First break up with partner, doesn't seem like one

[UtterlyLost]

Hello. I am really struggling, both mentally and in terms of what to do.

The break up was initiated by my partner. Due to a criticism I raised. I criticized something that bothered me and now it is talk about splitting apart. Ofc things happen between those points.

From my understanding. I am supposed to show that I am there, yet also give distance (if wanted). Of which I have done. This has gone.. poorly. My partner started bringing up that I want someone who looks better, who is smarter etc. That I clearly don't find my partner attractive. (this things has nothing to do with what I criticized).

No matter what I do it seems to get worse. When I say I am here and try not to engage, my partner worries. If I engage, it goes very poorly.

The break up seems off, as we are still in contact. All the places my partner could contact me is still there.
Yet things are done to prove my partner is serious. Owed money being transferred. Was told today break up happens because my partner can't handle this situation.

I do not know what to do. It seems my partner wants me to talk, but when I do, things go worse. When I don't talk things also happen. I feel so lost.

I do not want this to end, in the slightest, however I also want things to be better and to minimize the chance of this happening again (if it isn't actually over).

I am hurt, I am stressed, I am sleep deprived and I just want to talk to my partner

I am sorry for my bad wording and spelling-mistakes. The lack of sleep is affecting me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[UtterlyLost]

I am sorry. I see now I cannot edit the post, so I hope double-posting is not against the rules.

I chose to be quite... Vague in my post, as my questions have been spotted by my partner before and it did NOT go well .

What I really want to know is what I should do in this situation. I know my partner hates this situation, that my partner feels insufficient, that my partner just wants to feel safe (I want that too). I know that this this may be happening so I won't break up first (wasn't planning to, at all), or as some sort of test my partner isn't aware of, to check my reaction to this happening.  I want to do what is best going forward. I have dealt with splits well-enough previously, however there has never been a break-up split and I am terrified. I knew what I was getting into when I got together with my partner, however I am not always sure what is the best choice for my partner, me or us in a given situation.

[kells76]

Hi UtterlyLost and

You're in an excruciating situation... of course it's overwhelming, hard to sleep, hard to focus. Glad you found us and reached out for some support. (and posting twice in a row is fine, no worries!)

The break up was initiated by my partner. Due to a criticism I raised. I criticized something that bothered me and now it is talk about splitting apart. Ofc things happen between those points.

What was the criticism? Was there a fight/conflict before that? After the criticism?

Have the two of you had makeup/breakup cycles (or just threats) before?

How long have you been together?

What I really want to know is what I should do in this situation. I know my partner hates this situation, that my partner feels insufficient, that my partner just wants to feel safe (I want that too). I know that this this may be happening so I won't break up first (wasn't planning to, at all), or as some sort of test my partner isn't aware of, to check my reaction to this happening.  I want to do what is best going forward. I have dealt with splits well-enough previously, however there has never been a break-up split and I am terrified. I knew what I was getting into when I got together with my partner, however I am not always sure what is the best choice for my partner, me or us in a given situation.

Many pwBPD struggle with all three of the following:

-high emotional sensitivity (something that wouldn't really bother a person without BPD, can be very painful to a pwBPD)
-high emotional reactivity (a person without BPD might respond to an emotionally painful situation at a 5/10 level -- being upset, wanting to talk about it, raised voice -- but a pwBPD might react to an emotionally painful situation at a 10/10 level -- screaming, suicide threats, breakups, violence)
-long return to emotional baseline (a person without BPD might only need 30 minutes to re-regulate after an argument; a pwBPD might need hours, days, or weeks to return to an emotional baseline and regulate)

Any person, with or without BPD, can have any of those traits. For example, I'm pretty emotionally sensitive, and I have a long return to emotional baseline, but I'm generally not externally emotionally reactive. It's more that if BPD is in play, it's very likely that your loved one will struggle with all three tendencies -- and that is really important information for you to have, especially if you are negotiating a breakup situation.

I'm curious -- if you think back, did/does your partner have a typical "return to baseline" timeline? I.e., would seem to re-regulate after an hour, a day, a week, a month...?

Did your partner make any requests (or, sigh, demands) at the breakup -- anything like "Don't talk to me!" or "Don't text me!" or "Give me space!" ?

...

These are not easy situations to be in, at all. And, because the two of you didn't get here overnight -- it's likely been some time of patterns developing -- this won't be fixed overnight, either. So it'll be important to find ways to manage your own anxieties and fears, because the situation won't be instantly resolved, and you will be carrying some uncomfortable emotions for a bit.

Besides posting here, what kinds of resources and support do you have in your life? Family that understands? Good friends? A therapist?

Fill us in some more, whenever you have the time;

kells76

[UtterlyLost]

Hi UtterlyLost and

Thank you so much 

You're in an excruciating situation... of course it's overwhelming, hard to sleep, hard to focus. Glad you found us and reached out for some support. (and posting twice in a row is fine, no worries!)

Okay, good, thank you!

What was the criticism? Was there a fight/conflict before that? After the criticism?

I will try to make it short, to not write a book  Well Early in the relationship, my partner asked what I looked for in a partner. I answered what most would, personality, communication, humor, interests, then lastly I said and ofc I have to be attracted to them. The response was I didn't know you were superficial. Since then a lot of jabs has appeared. You like this since you are superficial. (said as a joke, but there clearly is some disgust in there.)

-Forward to what happened. Everything was good before this! My partner said I wish my ex looked as good as that to a picture a friend was dating. I said, isn't that superficial as per your definition? (genius move I know). My partner did not see how that makes them superficial in the slightest. That annoyed me.. So I doubled down and asked probing questions, my partner started to use what i viewed as manipulative tactics to make it sound like they are not superficial at all, this annoyed me, I said that, that what you just said is manipulative (can't remember what) and then all h*ll broke loose.  This is the first time I have done something like this, pointing out contradictions and said something seemed manipulative. Since it has been distance (talking maybe half an hour per day, since sunday), hard splitting and 2-3 mentions of the relationship needing to end.

Have the two of you had makeup/breakup cycles (or just threats) before?

Well it happened before  we even got together. That we couldn't be together due to the distance. Never a break up, no. Not even threats.

How long have you been together?

Since late February

Many pwBPD struggle with all three of the following:

I'm curious -- if you think back, did/does your partner have a typical "return to baseline" timeline? I.e., would seem to re-regulate after an hour, a day, a week, a month...?

Pretty much 24hrs at the longest, normally maybe over night or 6hrs. This has now gone on for 3-4 days.

Did your partner make any requests (or, sigh, demands) at the breakup -- anything like "Don't talk to me!" or "Don't text me!" or "Give me space!" ?

Nothing like that no. Seemed my partner wanted me to talk when I didn't. Only demand was me sending her stuff that is at my place, it has been mentioned 3 times now. And I said I will send it every time.
...

These are not easy situations to be in, at all. And, because the two of you didn't get here overnight -- it's likely been some time of patterns developing -- this won't be fixed overnight, either. So it'll be important to find ways to manage your own anxieties and fears, because the situation won't be instantly resolved, and you will be carrying some uncomfortable emotions for a bit.

Yeah I know. I know for a fact that I need to deal with this better. I am dealing with it pretty poorly atm. just when I got more used to normal splitting, I make this happen. (I know I shouldn't put this on me, but man...)
 

Besides posting here, what kinds of resources and support do you have in your life? Family that understands? Good friends? A therapist?

I have good friends! I cannot talk to my family about this and I will try to get a hold of a psychologist.

Fill us in some more, whenever you have the time;

kells76

[Ravenous Reader]

Hi Utterly Lost and welcome!
I'm new here, too, and want you to know you're in a safe place where you can feel supported and heard! 

Just to reiterate what Kells mentioned, "It'll be important to find ways to manage your own anxieties and fears, because the situation won't be instantly resolved, and you will be carrying some uncomfortable emotions for a bit." Isn't that a perfect picture of so much of life? We're "carrying uncomfortable emotions" and trying to find healthier ways to manage. What does alleviate pain for you? What things bring you joy (or have been able to lift you up in the past)?

I have been exactly where you were when you pushed for your partner to notice their own superficiality (especially in light of the fact that they criticize you for THE SAME THING). I don't know that you should really accuse yourself of "making" this happen; ultimately, the way your partner is responding is up to them, not you. We don't really "make" these things happen, do we?

[UtterlyLost]

Thank you so much ravenous reader.

The situation resolved and now there is a new one. Break up has not been mentioned, but things seem more rocky than before.

I am trying my darndest to do what you say. Not feel blame and to pick myself up, unfortunately I am losing at both points... This is now very much wearing me out..

I hope you have a good day, thank you again ☺️

[Ravenous Reader]

Utterly Lost,
Bless your heart! What you're enduring can feel so impossible to navigate successfully...I'm sorry it's been so rocky for you and your partner.

One of the things I've found helpful here is to read and/or watch video lessons from the resources on this site...among the tons of great information, one of the most helpful concepts for me (at first) was to come to grips with the fact that being involved with a person who has BPD means you're in a special needs relationship. For so long, I was responding and reacting in ways that assumed my partner interpreted things with a rational, logical lens, but now I know that his "feelings are facts," and I'm learning and practicing NEW ways to interact with him that can lessen the potential for conflict. It's quite a learning curve, but at the moment, I'm feeling more encouraged and hopeful, because my perceptions are shifting, and I'm seeing things more clearly instead of feeling blind-sided (or feeling like a rug has been ripped out from underneath my feet).

Other people here are much more adept at helping with specifics than I probably will be (for now); perhaps you can share more about the new situation and what feels "rocky" specifically so the community can offer guidance?

[UtterlyLost]

Thank you again Ravenous reader

[UtterlyLost]

In terms of logical vs emotional. That is something I am still working on. I know now how my partner thinks to a much greater extent, however how to actually talk to my partner in these situations is a minefield.

In terms of this situation.. My partner has calmed down since the last episode (but is not entirely back to normal). This week my partner has felt a bit sick and been stressed at work. My partner sent me messages whilst at work and almost seemed annoyed everytime I answered.

Then yesterday. I thought, my partner is sick and burned out, let's talk about something else. My partner mostly initiated with me and I responded. Things clearly being off. I then tried to send a few totally unrelated messages, to get my partners mind off things (did not work, at all). I sent my partner that a problem I had might get solved, with enthusiasm. The response was; "I won't change the way I respond to minor incidents." I am being told that my partner alone carries the relationship financially.

So now we are in the discard thing I think. 

My partner says they never mind me sending messages and just mind me getting angry if they don't respond the way I want them too. (not logically true).

Then it kinda ended at. "It gets clearer every day that our life realities are very much different "

So I answered that I am trying my best to learn these situations and now I am on read for the 15th hour.

I highly suspect this isn't random. But my partner was just accepted (as in a few days ago) into higher education.

I think I am nearing my end here. There seems to be nothing I can do and my attempts to be there are viewed as unhelpful.