Acknowledging that it really is the end this time ...

[Sad in Cali]

Where to begin. 10 years of ups and downs, 10 years of allowing my boundaries to be over-stepped, 10 years of tolerating behaviors I never dreamed I would put up with, all because I was so in love with him. He (55M) has not been officially diagnosed with BPD, but he sure checks the boxes: Neediness, destructive behaviors, impulsive, terrified of abandonment, inappropriate anger, difficulty regulating emotions. I have been drip-fed his BS behavior over a 10 year period, but we've finally reached the event from which I cannot come back from: His cheating and discovery that he wants to explore polyamory and why can't I just be down with that? I am devastated but this is one boundary I cannot negotiate.

For the entire 10 years we were together, he had a day-trading habit which cost him hundreds of thousands of dollars in losses. Not my money, and while I tried to get him to curb his "gambling", he believed it was a viable source of income and he just needed to perfect his methodology.  We were not married (we met after our prior marriages ended), so his money was his money and I had no say in how he spent it. Meanwhile, I carried the financial burden, was the responsible party saving for retirement, etc, while he just blew every penny he ever made. He ran up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, juggled credit card debt to pay the bills, and often had his card declined when we were out. And this is AFTER he filed bankruptcy a few years before I even met him. I didn't know this until I was invested in the relationship and found out by searching public records. He obviously learned nothing from that experience.

Before I met him, he had a pretty serious cocaine addiction. I believe his day trading/gambling replaced that, and kept him in "endorphin stimulation mode" for 10 years. When he finally stopped the gambling in January this year, I guess he needed something else to stimulate his endorphins, because within weeks he was in touch with a woman he'd know for some time who practices polyamory.  He tried to hide it from me, but it didn't take me long to find out. He refused to end things with her to work on our relationship. I reached out to this woman since he was being shady about the whole thing (he denied it was anything beyond one date that he didn't enjoy). She texted back letting me know she was "happy to share him with me". That's how I found out about his new polyamorous lifestyle, a casual text from the woman he believes is some kind of spiritual guru. The 10 years we spent together no longer matter, he is ecstatic over the idea of being able to "have any woman he wants" (his words), but he cannot have THIS woman!

The angry outbursts, the vile name calling, the financial irresponsibility, drinking until he is black out drunk (bed wetting not uncommon), use of weed, cheating, lying, even an arrest for domestic violence - yet he insists I'm the one with the problem and I'm the one that needs to change. He offered to meet me to "discuss ways I could improve myself for future relationships". So cold and disassociated from his own behaviors. I passed on the lecture he so generously offered.

I grew up in a family with an abusive father. My mother finally left my father when I was 15-years old, at which point he moved in one girlfriend after another, all of whom he also abused and beat. My ex-husband was decent enough, though very controlling. When our kids were all in school, I went back to school myself and found a part time job. My husband moved out not even three months later.  Presumably me having things for myself outside the home was not acceptable to him. My divorce was very protracted and bitter. He moved all of our assets into his family's trust, and announced there wasn't anything for us to divide, though I was welcome to rent the home we owned together from him! I spent 2.5 years fighting for what was mine (and finally got it!)

When I met my ex-BF, he was just what the doctor ordered - super fun, super loving, put me on a pedestal, was great with my kids, generous as well as being very good looking and sexy too.  I thought "finally, I've met the man of my dreams and he wants me just as much as I want him". But it wasn't long before the trouble started. I held on, hoping we could figure things out and live the rest of our lives together. Instead, I've spent the past decade riding a roller coaster I never wanted to be on.  When I look back at photos of us together, I often think "yeah, we had a fight that night" or "that's the trip that was cancelled three times before we finally made it".  Volatile and unstable is an understatement. But it wasn't all bad - we had a lot of love, laughter, and good memories too. That's the killer right there. High highs, and very low lows.

Even though I know he's not it for me, it hurts so bad knowing our relationship ends here with a huge violation of something I strongly value (no judgment for polyamorists, but I believe in monogamy and loyalty in relationships). He's disappointed and hurt everyone - my (now adult) children, my family, my friends, my work colleagues, but mostly me. I switch between feeling angry, foolish for not cutting him out of my life years ago, devastated, or optimistic about a future without dysfunction. I'm also 55. I didn't think I'd find myself alone at this point, though I realize nothing is guaranteed in life.

Fortunately I was smart enough to not comingle any assets or funds with him. My home is mine, my cars are mine, I have my own health insurance, a retirement plan, a masters degree and a job where I make well above average money. On paper, I look like a strong, successful woman who knows what she wants and how she is going to get it. But on some deep level I must be seriously broken too because I allowed this man to manipulate me, exploit me, humiliate me, and hurt me for an entire decade. Even now my mind wanders to "maybe?" or "what if?" but intellectually I know there are no more maybes or what ifs. This is it. This is the final hurtful thing I will allow this man to do to me.

Some days are better than others, but I'm hoping this site can help me through the really rough days. Our breakup has been protracted to say the least - going on 5 months now because he has refused to let me go. I finally sent a scathing email a few days ago that made it very clear I no longer wanted anything to do with him. He continues to like and comment on things on my family's social media (he's off of mine) so he's definitely still lingering and no doubt he'll reach out to me again in the future. That's when I need support the most - to not be worn down by him, to not be love bombed, to stand tough and know my life will be healthier without him in it.

Thanks for reading.

[Under The Bridge]

Welcome to the site - so sorry to hear of what you're going through. Your partner seems to have many devils on his back with his trading, drug-addiction, drinking and now a desire to open the relationship to others. Adding BPD into the mix would magnify everything to a horrendous level.

But on some deep level I must be seriously broken too because I allowed this man to manipulate me, exploit me, humiliate me, and hurt me for an entire decade. Even now my mind wanders to "maybe?" or "what if?" but intellectually I know there are no more maybes or what ifs.

You're not seriously broken, nor have you done anything that the rest of us didn't do in our own relationships. What you are is genuine and clearly very caring - and this makes us put up with so much, because we know nobody is perfect so we give them many chances because we want - and hope - the 'next chance' will be the one that finally registers and changes them.. but it doesn't happen unless they first recognise they have a problem and put serious effort into having it treated.

You've also survived an abusive family and a controlling ex-husband too so in my opinion you are one hell of a fighter and strong person and worthy of an equal partner and happy life.

Now that you have made the decision to end things it's vital that you hold your ground and not be drawn back in. In my own four-year relationship I was drawn back in many times and only left for good when her behaviour started to look like she may get physical, and that was my boundary.

It's good that you are financially independant with nothing shared to argue over or for him to claim.. or is there anything he could lay claim to and cause potential problems?  BPD will cause problems purely for the hell of it in order to 'get back at you for things they believe were done to them.

Make sure your friends know that you want nothing further to do with him so they they can back you up and be witnesses to anything he tries. Hopefully he'll eventually move on to someone else - or the woman he wants the polyamory with. The important thing is for you to show no encouragement and give him no ammunition.

Getting though this will be hard to do, nobody will ever tell you it goes easy but you will get through it. You have one responsibility now; yourself and your own well-being so try and focus on that. Write and vent here as often as you need - everyone has been in this situation and is with you 100%.

Best wishes.

[Sad in Cali]

Thank you for the reply - I need to read this over and over again, especially when it seems the solution to ending my pain is taking him back (on his terms, naturally). We too have broken up many times in the past, but I've always been sucked back in. This time needs to be different. I know going back = more pain forever, versus dealing with short term pain now followed by (hopefully) much brighter days ahead.  Incidentally, no claims against me for anything I can think of, but I guess you never know... hopefully he will just move along to the next one and I'll not see/hear from him again.

[Under The Bridge]

Sometimes they will just blank everything totally, move on to the next person and you won't hear from them again. My ex would have definitely been expecting me to come looking for her again as usual but her last breakup was the final straw for me and I never chased nor went to any of our usual haunts. Neither did I hear anything from her again so it was all a pretty clean ending. I bumped into her sister in law many years later and she said my ex hadn't changed one bit and was treating her current partner just as badly as she'd treated me.

I felt exactly as you do now because the good times we had were amazingly good and I wanted them to continue.. but if I took off the rose-coloured glasses I would have to admit that the good times weren't enough to put up with the ever-increasing bad times. Remembering things like this will help you get through it.

From what you've written, he seems to think there isn't much wrong with him, any cracks in the relationship are down to you. Standard BPD behaviour. Have you mentioned getting therapy for him in the past, or have you even mentioned BPD at all to him?  You sound willing to give it a try but the hard part is convincing the sufferer they even have a problem, let alone seek help for it.

[seekingtheway]

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to the boards here.

It sounds like you've reached the end of your tether, but you've gone through so much and put up with so much on your way to getting to the point where you just can't do it any more.

It is a hard thing to make that final call and feel confident in it. It's normal for doubts to come up, and for the good times to become a real distraction in your pursuit of peace. But as you say, the highs are so so high, but the lows are very low. And more than that, there can be a real effect on your own confidence and worth, your sense of reality... these things can gradually decline over time, and that can make it harder to make decisions in your own best interests.

These boards can be a great place to vent and share on when you hit those moments of doubt. I used it for that myself. I did go back a number of times and each time I did, the damage got deeper and more profound. This is your journey to move through, so none of us can tell you what to do, but keeping tabs on your internal state and the bigger picture at play here can help you to keep your eyes on the prize, as it were.

Has there been a pattern in the past in terms of how he would react in the past when you broke up? Were there certain things that happened that you are expecting to happen again? Is there anything you can do to safeguard yourself a little bit while you heal?