Vacation and Silent Treatment

[Depression = 72% of members]

The following is a vent because I don’t think much can be done.

My quiet bpd brother has been giving me the silent treatment and angry looks for the last 2 weeks. He doesn’t want me to go to a small family cottage overseas for a vacation. I believe he wants it for himself after our parents die.

He has gone almost every year. I last went in 2019. I told him in March I plan to go this year. We chose not to go at the same time to make sure our elderly parents have an emergency contact nearby.I told him July was the month I wanted. He said he would go in May, June or August.

I confirmed with him again in April. He asked in May if I was going in June and I confirmed. I bought my tickets a few weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, my father asked me if my brother could go to this house. I was surprised and said of course he can go. We both entered a room where my brother was. My dad said to him — now you can go in July. I said wait a minute, that’s when I’m going.

My brother tells me I never said I was going in July.My father intervened and said your brother needs to go then. He can’t go another time. I tried getting out of my brother why he couldn’t go in May-June, August as planned. He clammed up. He looked extremely angry.

I texted him the conversations we had had about this to prove I had said July. Not one word out of him after this.

I showed my dad the texts and he looked upset. He said my brother claimed I hadn’t made these arrangements with him.

The next day I said to my dad I know he doesn’t want me to go, and I’m upset that he’s lying to me. My dad then said he probably forgot. I said why can’t he ask me directly. My father started to cry for the next hour. I was shocked and he wouldn’t tell me why. I told my dad to tell my brother he would have to pay for the rebooking charge and extra fare if I accommodated my brother’s wish. He told me my brother wouldn’t pay.

The day after this crying episode, my brother told my dad to tell me the stove in the cottage is leaking gas. The appliance store is 30 miles away and there's no free delivery. I have to hire someone to deliver it via truck, ferry and then truck to the village. I haven’t been to this place in a few years and it’ll be a challenge to get this done. My language skills aren’t great.

I became angry why he failed to tell me this in April. I could have made arrangements with more time.I think it’s passive aggressive to not have said this earlier.

Today, my brother is continuing with the silent treatment and angry looks. I feel a lot of pressure not to go. His triangulation of my dad and weird behavior has made me feel ill at ease. He said he’s not going this year at all. I know he’ll tell our relatives it’s my fault for not cooperating. I’m usually the bad guy in his narratives. He ignores me when I talk to him so I can’t get this resolved. It’s crazy making.

He tends to use others to outsource his dirty work. This isn’t the first time. I guess they might be his flying monkeys.
 

[TelHill]

The following is a vent because I don’t think much can be done.

My quiet bpd brother has been giving me the silent treatment and angry looks for the last 2 weeks. He doesn’t want me to go to a small family cottage overseas for a vacation. I believe he wants it for himself after our parents die.

He has gone almost every year. I last went in 2019. I told him in March I plan to go this year. We chose not to go at the same time to make sure our elderly parents have an emergency contact nearby.I told him July was the month I wanted. He said he would go in May, June or August.

I confirmed with him again in April. He asked in May if I was going in June and I confirmed. I bought my tickets a few weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, my father asked me if my brother could go to this house. I was surprised and said of course he can go. We both entered a room where my brother was. My dad said to him — now you can go in July. I said wait a minute, that’s when I’m going.

My brother tells me I never said I was going in July.My father intervened and said your brother needs to go then. He can’t go another time. I tried getting out of my brother why he couldn’t go in May-June, August as planned. He clammed up. He looked extremely angry.

I texted him the conversations we had had about this to prove I had said July. Not one word out of him after this.

I showed my dad the texts and he looked upset. He said my brother claimed I hadn’t made these arrangements with him.

The next day I said to my dad I know he doesn’t want me to go, and I’m upset that he’s lying to me. My dad then said he probably forgot. I said why can’t he ask me directly. My father started to cry for the next hour. I was shocked and he wouldn’t tell me why. I told my dad to tell my brother he would have to pay for the rebooking charge and extra fare if I accommodated my brother’s wish. He told me my brother wouldn’t pay.

The day after this crying episode, my brother told my dad to tell me the stove in the cottage is leaking gas. The appliance store is 30 miles away and there's no free delivery. I have to hire someone to deliver it via truck, ferry and then truck to the village. I haven’t been to this place in a few years and it’ll be a challenge to get this done. My language skills aren’t great.

I became angry why he failed to tell me this in April. I could have made arrangements with more time.I think it’s passive aggressive to not have said this earlier.

Today, my brother is continuing with the silent treatment and angry looks. I feel a lot of pressure not to go. His triangulation of my dad and weird behavior has made me feel ill at ease. He said he’s not going this year at all. I know he’ll tell our relatives it’s my fault for not cooperating. I’m usually the bad guy in his narratives. He ignores me when I talk to him so I can’t get this resolved. It’s crazy making.

He tends to use others to outsource his dirty work. This isn’t the first time. I guess they might be his flying monkeys.
 

[Methuen]

Good thing you had the "paper trail" text messages to show your dad.  Without that it sounds like it's possible your dad could have taken your brother's word as gospel.

This is exactly the kind of crazy making chaos and drama that makes us climb walls.

You did everything possible to prevent a problem.  And yet the problem happened.

Also, a gas leak in a cottage sounds like it could be dangerous.  Am I reading that accurately?  Maybe he ran out of time to address it when he was there?  Seems odd (and risky?) not to address a gas leak...?  Strictly thinking about safety here...nothing else.

[Notwendy]

I wonder what was going on with your father?

My father rarely cried but a few times, I saw him cry- over some family issue. I wonder if your father cried at this situation because, when you showed him the texts, he realized your brother had been lying to him.

I recall the first time I realized that my BPD mother had lied to me- and that she frequently lied. (it wasn't the first time she lied but since I didn't think she'd do that, I didn't see it) It wasn't just a shock at the lie- it changed the context of the relationship. I think we tend to trust a family member and then we realize that they exploited that trust. In that moment, his relationship with your brother changed.

What I found with possessions is that- in addition to the material aspect of the possession, any possession shared or owned by BPD mother was a potential relationship tie and issue. Fairness would assume you and your brother split the house evenly but this sense if fairness is skewed when someone is in victim perspective. BPD mother would ask me if I wanted something of hers. If I said yes, she'd not let me have it. She'd even sometimes offer me something- and when I went to get it- she'd take it back. It wasn't about the object- it was something about my wanting it and her ability to have some control over it. It was strange.

There are 12 months in a year to visit the house. You wanted July. So then your brother wanted July. He somehow wanted it at the same time when he learned you did. I don't understand these dynamics, but my BPD mother could not want something and be about to give it away but if I wanted it- then she wanted it too?

Or- little kids will do this. They may ignore a toy. When one child picks it up to play with it, then the other child wants it too. The kids bicker over it. One kid wins, the other is crying. An adult steps in an confiscates the toy, saying- unless you two can play nice with this, you can not have this toy. Did your interest in July lead to your brother being interested too?

Prior to your showing your Dad the texts about your trip, he may have heard a different story from your brother. Maybe he was exasperated by the drama. BPD mother did the silent treatment behavior as well. I wonder if underneath this is a sense of shame and feeling inferior. So he grabs control of what he can- by choosing to visit the house at the same time.

[zachira]

I hear you when you talk about the problems with the family cottage and how your brother causes all kinds of unnecessary problems by being who is and enlisting flying monkeys. My sister with NPD and strong BPD traits ended up owning the family cottage with me after my mother died. I eventually had to hire my own lawyer to get her out of there, and there was absolutely no possibility of me just selling  it to her because of all her illegal activities which could have caused me considerable legal and financial problems after the sale if I had just sold her the cottage. I also really wanted the cottage because I love the place and would have been heartbroken to lose it. It may be best to tackle the problems over the use of the cottage now and who will inherit it while your parents are still alive to prevent even worse problems after your parents are gone, plus this could make things easier for you now.

[CC43]

Hi there,

It sounds to me like your brother is acting out in order to get his way, even if it's completely irrational.

Here's what I think.  Your dad wants you both to enjoy the cottage.  You already checked with your brother before booking your trip; he already had his say regarding the timing.  You booked your tickets, and you declare just that:  I already checked in with you, and I already bought the tickets, I'm going in July as planned.  Then you go and have a wonderful time!

Regarding the gas leak, it sounds to me like your brother might have made the whole thing up, to discourage you from taking the trip when he wanted.  But if there really is a leak, I think you can deal with it.  First, usually there's a gas valve next to the stove that you can shut off, if it's not shut off already.  All you do is decline to use the stove while you're there; maybe you eat cold food, eat out or use a microwave instead, no biggie.  But if I were in your shoes, I'd check to see if there really is a leak.  Typically propane or natural gas smells like rotten eggs when there's a leak--the gas company adds a chemical to the gas precisely so that you smell it when it's leaking!  If you smell a rotten egg smell when the stove is off, you need to get out and call the gas company ASAP, and they will help you determine if there's a leak and whether it can be fixed (replacing a valve, cleaning the lighter, etc.) or if you're better off buying a new stove.  You don't necessarily need to know much of the language to get this done.  Hand gestures and a friendly smile can go a LONG way.  If you have to, use Google translate on your phone and try enlisting the help of a neighbor:  I think the gas in my stove is leaking, and I need help to get it fixed/replaced.  Would you please help me call the gas company / store?  My guess is that a neighbor would be delighted to help you.  And then you get them something nice, like a bottle of wine.

Regarding the silent treatment, I'd view it as an adult time out.  Your brother is fuming because it looks to him like you might get your way, and you caught him in a lie, too.  He needs his time out; don't interrupt it.

I guess my overall approach is, you can't prevent your brother from behaving the way he does; all you can do is control your reaction to him.  In this case, if I were in your shoes, my reaction to him would be to do nothing and go about my business as planned.  If your father tries to intervene, you could tell him, this is between me and my brother, if he wants something, he can ask me directly.

[Notwendy]

Besides issues with inheritance, consider possible issues when your father is ederly and needs assistance, possibly with managing his own finances.

I don't have sibling issues when it comes to inheritance but also there wasn't any inheritance even if we did. The concern with finances is that BPD mother mismanaged hers when she was alive, and she needed that money for her own care needs. If your brother wants to inherit your parents' assets, he may also attempt to get control of them before that.

What belongs to your parents should be used for their needs first. It could be a difficult situation if your brother had POA, or guardianship, over their assets.


If your parents have assets, it is well worth it to them to work with an elder law attorney to be sure that they are managed properly and in the event they are unable to do so- appoint a reliable person to manage them. It could be you, or an attorney but it should not be your brother.

Selling the house sooner would create cash assets- but those would be at risk if your brother got access to them. An attorney could help your parents set up something like a care trust for themselves with the money.

I asked Dad to do this before he passed away. BPD mother objected to me doing it so I asked him to designate an accountant or attorney to do it. But I had no control over the decision- as it was joint marital property.

But there is no marital property with your brother. He has no say or power over your parents' assets. I hope at some point you can sit down with your father, express your concerns, ask him to make a plan for the house and their other assets and protect them from being misused.

[ForeverDad]

You haven't been to the family cottage for five long years.  Evidently your brother had five years of unlimited access there.  It is unreasonable for him to now, at this late date, tell you he wants the one month you selected.

But it is still your parent's property.  With the past history and brother's BPD traits, your father probably just wants peace and sadly is willing to appease him.  It's not fair.  If you do go in July, do you expect your brother will show up too?

What does your father expect to do with the cottage eventually?  Best for him not to will it to you both equally.  That can make things even worse, you would be stuck, enabling brother to sabotage you in many future situations.  If your father does will it to you both, then be sure there is a clause that if you two cannot come to agreement, then the property would be sold and the proceeds split between you.

[Methuen]

Regarding the gas leak, it sounds to me like your brother might have made the whole thing up, to discourage you from taking the trip when he wanted. 

My first thought when I read your post was to focus on the safety issue.  But when reading CC's reply I realized this could actually be true.  My mom has made so many crazy lies up, that I'm kind of kicking myself for not seeing what CC saw. Oftentimes, they even appear to believe their own lie once it is exposed.

It's kind of unbelievable to think a family member would know about a gas leak at a family cottage, and walk away and fly home.

When you are back from that trip, if you remember, I am curious to know if there was a gas leak, or not. If there was not, it would be a good reminder for all of us to fall for their manipulations and chaos less often.

[ForeverDad]

Bring a carbon monoxide detector with you.  Any building with gas service or wood stoves needs the extra protection.  Smoke detectors aren't enough.

[Notwendy]

Yes, I agree, the lying is so common, I also overlooked that possibility. I agree with assuming it's true and being cautious is the best way to go- until all is checked out for safety.

[zachira]

Best to have the cottage left to one of you. If there is a clause that you cannot agree on things, the property being sold can turn out to be extremely costly both financially and emotionally, as happened to me with my sister with NPD. The property and estate could be worth nothing in the end if your brother chooses to engage in all kinds of legal battles.

[TelHill]

Thank you so much for your support and perspectives.

Sorry, I should have made clear that the stove runs on a propane tank like a camping stove. There’s no running gas pipes into the cottage. It’s a rural area. Many people have a set up like that. I won’t use it for safety’s sake.

I plan to pack a hot plate in my luggage. TSA allows them in the checked in baggage. Amazon has free delivery to this town of hot plates, microwaves and toaster ovens if I want something else.

CC43: I wonder if this gas leak is real as well. And Methuen I would have told my brother right away if I knew about a gas leak. 

Notwendy and Forever Dad, he is like a child who wants what I have because I have it. Will my brother show up? He may. He chose to lie about our agreement 21 days before the deadline of buying reasonably priced airline tickets.

Zachira— Our parents promised us this place. I’ll have to see a lawyer there. I want the place but I know my brother will play tricks to push me out. He’s prone to lying and then employs impression management to look good to our other relatives. I agree that it may not be worth getting into legal fights going forward. My dad doesn’t want to get involved.

The other wrinkle is my brother hired a lawyer to straighten out ownership. He’s said nothing’s happened but it looks like there have been changes. There are online public records which look different from before. I’m thinking he may have sold some land and pocketed the profit. 

My dad doesn’t want me to go to the courthouse to look at paperwork. He might be aware my brother did this and doesn’t want trouble.

Notwendy, There’s also a house in the US that’s supposed to be split evenly between me and my brother.

My dad doesn’t know if my brother has sole POA. I don’t have it. I can’t tell from the will. My brother supposedly doesn’t know.

I have to see an elder law attorney here in the US if I want to find the best course of action. I have visions of my brother locking me out of my parents home should they both die.

My dad is good with money and never let my dBPD mom touch it. He is an empath and cries easily. I think he may be overwhelmed with the situation. My dad said he’s sorry he remodeled the cottage 40 years ago.

BPD don’t exactly deal with the truth if something else sounds better. I don’t know if it’ll be worth it to stand up for my rights here in the US either.

[zachira]

It is always worth it to find out what your rights are, whether it is worth it to stand up for those rights is another matter. Certainly now is the time to set the stage for a better outcome. Waiting will likely make things worse, and a good attorney can give you the right kind of advice.

[Notwendy]

I think a consult with an elder law attorney is helpful- but most helpful if you and your father could go together. Since his property and assets belong to him- he's the only one who can legally sign a plan for them. I don't know what your brother could have done legally to make any changes- without your father signing them too. That your father doesn't want you to go to the courthouse to see the papers -means you need to do that.

Your father may have had some objectivity with your BPD mother but somehow isn't able to be this way with your brother or hold boundaries with him. He seems to err on the side of enabling him.

My father had assets. I didn't think they'd be destined for me one day- but I also wanted to see them managed wisely. Dad acted similarly to your father- being passive, not wanting to make waves. He also probably didn't want to deal with my mother being angry at him. I wonder if your father is afraid of your brother and if your brother has been verbally and/or emotionally abusive to him.


BPD mother also kept her financial information secret from us. Dad left her comfortable. She acted in secrecy and mismanaged it.  I could not intervene as it was her money and she remained legally competent. I knew she had no intentions of leaving an inheritance and she didn't. But what did my father want? I don't know.

In your situation, this raises the question of elder abuse. If your father doesn't want you to see the papers, or take action, he may be afraid of your brother's response.

BPD mother took out a home equity loan and didn't tell anyone. We found out accidentally some time later.  Our concern was that she had compromised her own care needs significantly- at a time when she needed assistance. If she needed the loan, it meant she had gone through the other assets Dad left her. We moved her to assisted living, sold the house, sold the car, put the proceeds of the remaining equity in her bank account. She continued to spend it. She was an emotional spender.

I am sharing this because, if you can not get your father to make his wishes known now, it is likely to be more difficult to negotiate with your brother. I also would be concerned that your brother may have also coerced your father into something that he's afraid to tell you about.

This isn't all about financial property. It's also about your father's wishes. What does he really want for you?  What does he want for his assets? Also, it's important that you (or someone reliable) have POA and medical POA. POA has a duty to use assets in the best interest of your father- which means if he needs care- the money and assets goes to pay for that first. Clearly, it should not be your brother if he's already taking your father's assets for himself.

[TelHill]

It is always worth it to find out what your rights are, whether it is worth it to stand up for those rights is another matter. Certainly now is the time to set the stage for a better outcome. Waiting will likely make things worse, and a good attorney can give you the right kind of advice.

This is great advice, zachira! I am seeking an elder care attorney here in the US and will be reading and photographing legal paperwork overseas. From what I see online recently in this foreign country’s property records, my disordered brother had some legal work on cottage performed. He said he’d give me a copy. I know he won’t.

The deed for the home was separated from the sizable plots of land. I suspect some land was sold without telling me from the few things my brother has said. My dad gets very nervous when I bring this up. I did find the separate land deedwith much effort. I’m comparing it to a deed I have saved from a few years ago.

I think a consult with an elder law attorney is helpful- but most helpful if you and your father could go together. Since his property and assets belong to him- he's the only one who can legally sign a plan for them. I don't know what your brother could have done legally to make any changes- without your father signing them too. That your father doesn't want you to go to the courthouse to see the papers -means you need to do that.

This isn't all about financial property. It's also about your father's wishes. What does he really want for you?  What does he want for his assets? Also, it's important that you (or someone reliable) have POA and medical POA. POA has a duty to use assets in the best interest of your father- which means if he needs care- the money and assets goes to pay for that first. Clearly, it should not be your brother if he's already taking your father's assets for himself.

I’ve seen my parents will a few times and the division for their US assets is 50/50. My parents have told me this is what they want repeatedly. There is no paperwork for POA or executor though. My father says he doesn’t know if one was completed. It could be true.  I will hire an elder law attorney to complete a durable POA (medical and financial) and become co-executor of the estate.

Your father may have had some objectivity with your BPD mother but somehow isn't able to be this way with your brother or hold boundaries with him. He seems to err on the side of enabling him.

 I wonder if your father is afraid of your brother and if your brother has been verbally and/or emotionally abusive.

In your situation, this raises the question of elder abuse. If your father doesn't want you to see the papers, or take action, he may be afraid of your brother's response.

Notwendy, I believe this has happened. You hit the nail on the head.

I returned to my parents house after a few days at home. My dad looked stunned— like a deer who’s faced headlights. He wouldn’t tell me what had happened.

A few days ago, my dad had terrible coughing when eating and I thought he might be choking. I hit him on the back to dislodge food if it was choking. My brother walked by so I asked him to hit our dad on the back since he’s stronger. He refused, laughed, said I don’t care and walked out of the house. Sigh.

… if you can not get your father to make his wishes known now, it is likely to be more difficult to negotiate with your brother. I also would be concerned that your brother may have also coerced your father into something that he's afraid to tell you about.

Thanks for this, notwendy. It’s great advice for less anguish.

There’s a new wrinkle to my stay overseas. This is a vent.  My brother’s 43 year old former stepdaughter (he divorced her mother in 2000 after 10 yrs of marriage) is staying there with her husband and children. We’ll overlap for a week. It’s upsetting. This person stole my unopened Chanel makeup I’d left at my parents house about 10 years ago. I don’t think much of her.

 She considerers my brother her father and has told me she believes she has a right to this house because of her tie to my brother and that she stayed there some summers as a child. She has a great relationship with her biological father. She has 2 dads.

My brother may have promised a share of his portion of this cottage. Her half-sister who’s my brother’s child would get the other portion. I don’t know for sure as my brother’s not telling. It’s his right to do as he pleases in his own will with his property. My dad has said many times he doesn’t want her there. That’s not up to my dad, though.

I’ve gotten the sense his ex-stepdaughter doesn’t want me there. I get the sense they’ll spread out their stuff to claim most of the house as their territory. It’s happened before when my parents, my brother and she and her husband/children stayed there 6 years ago. I’m also thinking this might be in my head and not her true intent. Her stealing  my makeup is messing with my head.

Regardless, I have to toe a fine line between being the authority of the house (I would have 50% and am the immediate heir) and being authoritarian. I have to stand up for my rights and set strong boundaries without being seen as a troublesome and starting fights. 

[TelHill]

TelHill from above— “From what I see online recently in this foreign country’s property records, my disordered brother had some legal work on cottage performed. He said he’d give me a copy. I know he won’t.”

My dad agreed to signing a paper which would give 50/50 of this ownership of the cottage and land to me and my brother in this overseas property. There was no sign of this. I showed my father that the land was removed from the cottage and hidden from regular view on this website. He was angry and said he didn’t agree to this.

This  country is quite corrupt. It’s listed as one of the most corrupt countries in that continent. What my dad signed could have been tampered with. My dad cannot travel anymore due to age. My brother mistakenly thought I would never go again. Definitely wishful thinking. Perhaps a bpd delusion of control and power?

It’s not the first time this has happened with real estate with other families in this village and throughout this country. A subreddit for this country has similar stories of people being cheated.

[GaGrl]

In addition to a U.S. elder lawyer in the U.S., you might want to source a bilingual lawyer in the country where the cottage is located. This person can research any land transfers over the past five years and tell you and your father what is really going on.

My stepchildren had to do this in order to obtain inheritance rights to their mother's two-hour compound. Thailand does not allow none it issue to own property, so each of the stepchildren had to obtain residency/citizenship. Otherwise, the property would have defaulted to their aunt and uncle. The bilingual lawyer they used took care of all documents that had to be translated and knew exactly what procedures were required.

[zachira]

You can hire an attorney for an one hour consult. Be sure to find the right one. I like many people did not know enough or value myself enough to hire a good attorney in the beginning. My sister had the best law firm in the state for cases like ours yet I got the cottage because I finally fired the narcissistic attorney I had hired who was going to let my sister have the cottage and got one who actually listened, stood up for me. My sister had all the cards in her favor except that she is a narcissist, and I knew better than to sign certain legal agreements that she would manipulate to get the cottage. I found the right attorney eventually by asking local people to recommend any kind of lawyer, called those lawyers and asked who they recommended. I went through a long chain of "I recommend so and so." The whole process started with an estate lawyer.

[ForeverDad]

Experienced legal professionals in the respective countries will provide you with their advice and strategies going forward.  How much can be corrected and restored is unknown at this point.  But forewarned is to be forearmed.  We hope it turns out well for you, or at least "less bad".

From past experience I have some general observations.  It is simpler and less able to be sabotaged when you inherit financial assets, though even that can be complicated to resolve when other heirs erect obstacles.

The more difficult issues to resolve are likely when you co-inherit properties.  What on the surface appears equal can be upset when one or more heirs is uncooperative.  If there are multiple properties, it ought to be better for the heirs to inherit separate pieces, nothing with joint ownership.  That way, if necessary, each heir can go his or her own separate way.

With informed legal advice your father can ensure potential conflicts, though well meant, can be avoided or minimized.

[Notwendy]

In the US, there's a legal process to settling a will, and any assets. I assume there's a process like this in your father's country. Where will your father live out his elder years? In his country or the US? Who will be close to him and possibly be of help to him. If it's your brother, that's a concern but also - from a distance- you may not be able to monitor all that goes on with his assets if your brother or others have access to them.

In the US, there are rules for passing assets to adult children if someone is going to need Medicaid assistance with a nursing home. If the elderly person has assets, their assets go to cover their care before any goverment assistance. It could be different in your father's country.

In the US, if your father has debts- the assets will go to pay the debts first. If your brother coerces him to take out a home equity loan on the properties and give him money, the lender will take their share of the properties.

BPD mother took out a loan based on the value of her house and spent over half of it before we accidentally found out about it. I don't think she ever intended to tell us.

[zachira]

It seems your father may give into your brother because he is afraid of him. If you stand up to your father, he may cooperate more with you even though your goal is not to intimidate him.