>Ex girlfriend keeps appearing and disappearing

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey guys,

Last fall, my ex girlfriend who I hadn't talked to in 3 years reached out to me. We expressed that we both missed each other, but our communication was sporadic and infrequent on her end. She would respond days later and disappear for months sometimes, she always said she didn't have a phone. I struggle to believe she doesn't have a phone, but she has disappeared from social media. She gotten arrested twice, last summer and in April so she may be telling the truth, but that is beside the point. To preface she lives in a different, but close state. She just messaged me on Monday saying she was just in my city for a week and thought of me a lot, but had no phone. Again, I'm not mad, I just don't really buy it. We are both in our early 20s. I know she was with a guy who is in his 30s, and that he beat her, made her hold drugs which ended up getting her arrested, and offered to pay her legal fees. I have a feeling that is why she didn't message me while she was here. Again, I'm not mad and don't really care, I'm just confused. I'm nothing like the reprobates she has been with lately. I don't do drugs anymore, and even quit weed, I would never put my hands on a girl, and I have been trying to quit drinking and get back to school because I've really held myself back. I have nothing to offer her but love, and I already know that isn't enough. I don't have the money someone with a decade on me has. I guess I'm just confused as to why she keeps messaging me, you know? I try not to dwell on questions I won't find the answer too, but she was my first true love and my feelings are... complicated. I've made peace that I'm not what she wants, but every time she messages it makes me feel some type of way I can't describe well. If I was in her city and really thought of her I would message her during that time. Like I said I logically don't believe she has no phone, but she also has disappeared, It just doesn't make much sense. Does anyone have any insight onto what could be going on. I've already told her I miss her as well, but she often sends me one message and disappears off the planet, it's abnormal. I know she has legal problems and is battling addiction. I guess my point is I don't know where I fit into all of this, what makes her want to reach out to me like that. I'm starting to feel like I'm apart of some joke that everyone besides me knows about.

[whoboyboyy]

Hey guys,

Last fall, my ex girlfriend who I hadn't talked to in 3 years reached out to me. We expressed that we both missed each other, but our communication was sporadic and infrequent on her end. She would respond days later and disappear for months sometimes, she always said she didn't have a phone. I struggle to believe she doesn't have a phone, but she has disappeared from social media. She gotten arrested twice, last summer and in April so she may be telling the truth, but that is beside the point. To preface she lives in a different, but close state. She just messaged me on Monday saying she was just in my city for a week and thought of me a lot, but had no phone. Again, I'm not mad, I just don't really buy it. We are both in our early 20s. I know she was with a guy who is in his 30s, and that he beat her, made her hold drugs which ended up getting her arrested, and offered to pay her legal fees. I have a feeling that is why she didn't message me while she was here. Again, I'm not mad and don't really care, I'm just confused. I'm nothing like the reprobates she has been with lately. I don't do drugs anymore, and even quit weed, I would never put my hands on a girl, and I have been trying to quit drinking and get back to school because I've really held myself back. I have nothing to offer her but love, and I already know that isn't enough. I don't have the money someone with a decade on me has. I guess I'm just confused as to why she keeps messaging me, you know? I try not to dwell on questions I won't find the answer too, but she was my first true love and my feelings are... complicated. I've made peace that I'm not what she wants, but every time she messages it makes me feel some type of way I can't describe well. If I was in her city and really thought of her I would message her during that time. Like I said I logically don't believe she has no phone, but she also has disappeared, It just doesn't make much sense. Does anyone have any insight onto what could be going on. I've already told her I miss her as well, but she often sends me one message and disappears off the planet, it's abnormal. I know she has legal problems and is battling addiction. I guess my point is I don't know where I fit into all of this, what makes her want to reach out to me like that. I'm starting to feel like I'm apart of some joke that everyone besides me knows about.

[Under The Bridge]

Hi, here's my thoughts.

BPD's have a huge fear of being abandoned and being alone, it's one of the strongest characteristics of the illness. Even though they might move on to a new relationship they very often still try and maintain contact with their previous partner(s). Though it gives hope to their ex, they're really just wanting to know that you're still 'available', should they get sick of their current partner.

When she texts you out of the blue with a  seemingly innocent text, your reply tells her you're still there and willing to engage again. Once she knows this you'll hear nothing from her until her fears of abandonment kick in again and she contacts you again to see if you're still there.

Think of it as 'I don't want you at this moment, but I want to know you're there as an option if I ever decide to leave my current partner'.  It's a very selfish way of thinking and it hurts us non-BPD but remember this is caused by an illness.

Risky behaviour is also a classic BPD characteristic, which may account for her being with such an unsuitable partner. Her emotions change rapidly though and she then wants something more normal - another reason to contact you.

Whether you continue to accept and engage with her random contact is up to you, but things are unlikely to change - what you've previously had with a BPD is what you'll continue to get. In my own case (4 years) I went completely no-contact after her last - and worst - outburst and did not engage with her again as I could see she was never going to change.

If she contacted you again with a view to getting back together, would you step back on the roundabout again?

Best wishes

[ForeverDad]

For some with BPD traits, when  the relationship ends, typically on an extreme note, it's permanent, you're perceived as no longer wonderful but evil, or close to that.  It ends with a bang.

For others with BPD traits, when  the relationship ends, it's with a whimper.  In such cases the person may touch base now and again, confusing you as to what's really happening.  Are you being lured back in or what?  One way to view it is as though the ex was cooking a meal.  It's finished cooking but the ex doesn't want to throw out the leftovers so the pot is put on the back burner to simmer until maybe later.  Might you be a leftover simmering in the background in case the ex may feel like coming back, such as when the new relationship fails and you're moved back onto the front burner?

BPD is a mental health illness that exists on a spectrum.  The person may be prone to "all or nothing" perceptions, but it may be displayed anywhere along a spectrum of inconsistency: hot, cold or lukewarm.

[eightdays]

It sounds like there is at least one other guy in the picture, and she has an avoidant attachment style.  The behavior has nothing to do with you.  Learn about attachment styles if you want more understanding.  I get you feel connected to her which is totally normal, and that it is sometimes very hard to move on.  But ask yourself if this is how you want someone you care about deeply to treat you.

[whoboyboyy]

Hi, here's my thoughts.

BPD's have a huge fear of being abandoned and being alone, it's one of the strongest characteristics of the illness. Even though they might move on to a new relationship they very often still try and maintain contact with their previous partner(s). Though it gives hope to their ex, they're really just wanting to know that you're still 'available', should they get sick of their current partner.

When she texts you out of the blue with a  seemingly innocent text, your reply tells her you're still there and willing to engage again. Once she knows this you'll hear nothing from her until her fears of abandonment kick in again and she contacts you again to see if you're still there.

Think of it as 'I don't want you at this moment, but I want to know you're there as an option if I ever decide to leave my current partner'.  It's a very selfish way of thinking and it hurts us non-BPD but remember this is caused by an illness.

Risky behaviour is also a classic BPD characteristic, which may account for her being with such an unsuitable partner. Her emotions change rapidly though and she then wants something more normal - another reason to contact you.

Whether you continue to accept and engage with her random contact is up to you, but things are unlikely to change - what you've previously had with a BPD is what you'll continue to get. In my own case (4 years) I went completely no-contact after her last - and worst - outburst and did not engage with her again as I could see she was never going to change.

If she contacted you again with a view to getting back together, would you step back on the roundabout again?

Best wishes

Thank you, It's ebbs and flows, after time passes I usually feel fine and accept that I shouldn't look for a new chapter in an old story, but when she comes back I start missing her bad and want her back.

[whoboyboyy]

It sounds like there is at least one other guy in the picture, and she has an avoidant attachment style.  The behavior has nothing to do with you.  Learn about attachment styles if you want more understanding.  I get you feel connected to her which is totally normal, and that it is sometimes very hard to move on.  But ask yourself if this is how you want someone you care about deeply to treat you.

There is another guy in the picture, he's like 12 years older than both of us and I'm certain he abuses or manipulates her to a degree. Just hard to understand where I fit into it, like I said I'm not really anything like the ones she was with after me.

[whoboyboyy]

For some with BPD traits, when  the relationship ends, typically on an extreme note, it's permanent, you're perceived as no longer wonderful but evil, or close to that.  It ends with a bang.

For others with BPD traits, when  the relationship ends, it's with a whimper.  In such cases the person may touch base now and again, confusing you as to what's really happening.  Are you being lured back in or what?  One way to view it is as though the ex was cooking a meal.  It's finished cooking but the ex doesn't want to throw out the leftovers so the pot is put on the back burner to simmer until maybe later.  Might you be a leftover simmering in the background in case the ex may feel like coming back, such as when the new relationship fails and you're moved back onto the front burner?

BPD is a mental health illness that exists on a spectrum.  The person may be prone to "all or nothing" perceptions, but it may be displayed anywhere along a spectrum of inconsistency: hot, cold or lukewarm.

That analogy makes sense. It's just strange because years ago when we broke up she told me she would never talk to me again, she doesn't miss me, and to kill myself. I was taken aback when she messaged me earlier this year and was nice again. I thought she hated me and I would never hear from her again.

[kells76]

Hi whoboyboyy;

Couple of thoughts about what might be going on here:

It's just strange because years ago when we broke up she told me she would never talk to me again, she doesn't miss me, and to kill myself. I was taken aback when she messaged me earlier this year and was nice again. I thought she hated me and I would never hear from her again.

Regardless of whether BPD is in the mix or not, breakup behaviors/dynamics often have similarities across the board. Whether we're the one initiating or receiving the breakup, we want to feel better about ourselves, to soothe ourselves, during that time of immense pain.

One approach is the "I never liked him anyway" approach (sour grapes, in a way) -- when we "convince" ourselves that the ex is "all bad", we're trying (not very functionally) to soothe our feelings of rejection. "She's the problem, not me -- I hate her and I'm never speaking to her again!" Or, the best friend telling you: "I always knew you were too good for him... he's a loser, forget about him, now let's drink and party!" I definitely returned some gifts to a (long-ago) ex: "Give it to someone else" (with the subtext being "If you won't stay with me then you can't make me keep the nice things you gave me"... not super mature )

Anyone, any human, BPD or not, has the capability of responding to a breakup that way in the short-term: "I swear I'll never talk to you again! I don't miss you at all!" And it's not some universal, permanent proclamation of The Unchanging Truth of her feelings... it's a normal-range, short-term response to the pain of a breakup.

(Another normal response to a breakup is "magical thinking":  "If we just talk it out, I'm sure I can convince her to stay", "He's just scared of commitment and this isn't really a breakup", "I should double my efforts to prove to her we're meant to be together", etc -- where there's no villanization, but still no acceptance of reality)

So, to me, it makes a lot of sense, actually, that immediately after the breakup, she'd say she'd never talk to you again, and now, after years have passed and the hot emotions of the moment have cooled down, she could reach out and be nice. This is normal range human behavior. I talk to some exes now and believe me, I don't still live in the emotions of the breakup moment. There really isn't a point. Being nice to an ex years after a breakup is pretty standard.

pwBPD experience all that normal range stuff, just to a stronger extent. So, while a non-BPD might tell you (after a breakup) "You hurt me... I don't really want to talk to you right now... please don't reach out", she communicated "I'll never talk to you again... I don't miss you... kill yourself". Same feelings... more extreme expression, including some black-and-white/high-contrast thinking ("never").

...

All that being said -- if I'm tracking with you, the situation right now is that she occasionally sends you nice messages. Is that about it?

Is she asking you for anything?

[whoboyboyy]

Hi whoboyboyy;

Couple of thoughts about what might be going on here:

Regardless of whether BPD is in the mix or not, breakup behaviors/dynamics often have similarities across the board. Whether we're the one initiating or receiving the breakup, we want to feel better about ourselves, to soothe ourselves, during that time of immense pain.

One approach is the "I never liked him anyway" approach (sour grapes, in a way) -- when we "convince" ourselves that the ex is "all bad", we're trying (not very functionally) to soothe our feelings of rejection. "She's the problem, not me -- I hate her and I'm never speaking to her again!" Or, the best friend telling you: "I always knew you were too good for him... he's a loser, forget about him, now let's drink and party!" I definitely returned some gifts to a (long-ago) ex: "Give it to someone else" (with the subtext being "If you won't stay with me then you can't make me keep the nice things you gave me"... not super mature )

Anyone, any human, BPD or not, has the capability of responding to a breakup that way in the short-term: "I swear I'll never talk to you again! I don't miss you at all!" And it's not some universal, permanent proclamation of The Unchanging Truth of her feelings... it's a normal-range, short-term response to the pain of a breakup.

(Another normal response to a breakup is "magical thinking":  "If we just talk it out, I'm sure I can convince her to stay", "He's just scared of commitment and this isn't really a breakup", "I should double my efforts to prove to her we're meant to be together", etc -- where there's no villanization, but still no acceptance of reality)

So, to me, it makes a lot of sense, actually, that immediately after the breakup, she'd say she'd never talk to you again, and now, after years have passed and the hot emotions of the moment have cooled down, she could reach out and be nice. This is normal range human behavior. I talk to some exes now and believe me, I don't still live in the emotions of the breakup moment. There really isn't a point. Being nice to an ex years after a breakup is pretty standard.

pwBPD experience all that normal range stuff, just to a stronger extent. So, while a non-BPD might tell you (after a breakup) "You hurt me... I don't really want to talk to you right now... please don't reach out", she communicated "I'll never talk to you again... I don't miss you... kill yourself". Same feelings... more extreme expression, including some black-and-white/high-contrast thinking ("never").

...

All that being said -- if I'm tracking with you, the situation right now is that she occasionally sends you nice messages. Is that about it?

Is she asking you for anything?

Thank you for the perspective, and no she hasn't asked me for anything. Yes she'll message me here and there and sometimes we will actually talk again like it used to be, but then she goes dark again from everywhere. She's in the throes of addiction right now and has gotten arrested a few times the past year. I also think she's being abused and manipulated by a guy much older than us from what she's told me. The one time I did ask her if she would want to reconnect a few months ago, she just ignored what I said and told me she was going to break her friend out of rehab and then disappeared again for a few months, just to return by telling me she had no phone once again. It's all so confusing, It's hard to believe that she has no phone, but other people in my life who struggle with addiction have also disappeared before. Part of me wants to believe it, but I also can't really. Once again though, yeah she hasn't asked me for much we talk infrequently and she'll express she misses me or was thinking of me and other pleasantries.