Unable to get past husbands manic episodes

[c0nfusedandsad]

Hi,
My husband was recently diagnosed with bipolar II after about 3 yrs of suffering without a clear diagnosis. Throughout this time, he has been consistently challenging to live with (irritable, mood swings, depression, etc) but has had 3 more intense manic episodes during which he is violent (throwing furniture, breaking things, etc) and mean and afterwards claiming he does not even remember what he did/said.

The most recent episode (~2 months ago) consisted of him blaming me for everything he is dealing with, claiming that if we had more sex he wouldn't have the problems he does, and saying he wants a separation. As predicted, he woke up the next day in a deep depression and begged me to forgive him, claiming he was "out of his body" when he was talking with me. Something about his certainty and meanness during this episode has been exceptionally hard to move on from and I feel a physical resistance to being around him now. To me, this reaction feels so dramatic but its not something I feel like I can control. Before this episode, something inside me was still willing to work on our relationship. But now it's like my body is telling me not to be near him. 

About a month ago, he started a mood stabilizer and SSNRI (cymbalta) and his demeanor/personality and even perspective changed completely for the better. He is now acting like the ideal husband and father (we have two little girls). He's taking accountability for everything over the last 3 yrs and seems healthy and in control. This is the stabilization we've been waiting for but I'm still left feeling so broken. I still don't feel comfortable with him touching me or asking for a kiss and I'm still very skeptical of whether he is even being genuine. He's saying all the right things -- that he knows it's his fault and that "he has to sleep in the bed he made" and be patient as we work to recover and rebuild trust. But I'm just not sure I want to work to rebuilt trust. Everything inside of me is telling me to divorce. I've been trying to rebuild trust for 3 yrs, and each time I think we are in a better place, he does something else to destroy it. 

The question I am wondering is if other people have felt this sort of physical reaction to betrayal / hurt. Is this something that is realistic to move on from and improve? It has been 2 months already and I still feel it. It has been 3 yrs since his first damaging manic episode, and I'm still not over it. At what point have others decided that it is time to move on instead of continuously try to rebuild trust. Any helpful questions to ask myself or books I can read?

At this point, I think I am just staying in the marriage for the sake of our kids, the fear of being a single mom, and not wanting to only see my kids 50% of the time. I'm hoping that I can gain clarity on if trust can realistically be rebuilt and how to go about it.

Thanks in advance for any advice the group may have

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[Zosima]

Sorry to hear about what you're going through... That must be so hard to deal with while taking care of life and kids. You must be really tough and sincere to keep trying the way you are.

I can relate to the loss of physical affection or desire. It feels like it's partly because I don't trust a nice moment will stay nice, and partly that I'm so disappointed by the situation we're in compared with what I hoped it would be. Plus it feels like a lot of pressure on us to not only manage our sadness and anxiety from their behavior, but also manage their sadness about us not wanting to be close or physical. I'm still in the middle of it, so I can't relate any kind of closure. I find a lot of things I read or think about inspire compassion for my wife's condition, but it's brutal trying to decide how far compassion can carry me through an impossible situation.

From my perspective, it is encouraging that your husband is willing to do the work and showing progress. It's harder to keep enduring without signs of change. I'd be incredibly thankful to see big behavioral change. Good luck!