ex with someone else

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It has been a while since I've updated here, I have been mostly at peace with my situation since I filed for divorce over a year ago and my uBPD spouse moved out.    There has been an ongoing legal struggle over money, she is basically trying to get as much as she can and is making claims that are probably going to fail in court but it is still distressing.   

And there is something troubling me, maybe not a whole lot, but it is weird and I just wanted to talk about it somewhere.   She attached herself to another guy that is kind of a key figure in my community, and seems to be making a point of advertising to everybody that she is with someone else though public displays of affection.   I think she is just rebounding and trying to hurt me, and I also know this guy has no idea what he is getting into but he is a friend of mine.   Not a close friend, but someone I have known for a while.  He said nothing to me about it.  I am not sure what I am feeling about this.    I don't know if he knows what she is doing on the legal side with me either.   But it doesn't seem like there is anything I can do or say about it, so I am having to process this privately.

Anybody have experiences like this?

[eightdays]

It has been a while since I've updated here, I have been mostly at peace with my situation since I filed for divorce over a year ago and my uBPD spouse moved out.    There has been an ongoing legal struggle over money, she is basically trying to get as much as she can and is making claims that are probably going to fail in court but it is still distressing.   

And there is something troubling me, maybe not a whole lot, but it is weird and I just wanted to talk about it somewhere.   She attached herself to another guy that is kind of a key figure in my community, and seems to be making a point of advertising to everybody that she is with someone else though public displays of affection.   I think she is just rebounding and trying to hurt me, and I also know this guy has no idea what he is getting into but he is a friend of mine.   Not a close friend, but someone I have known for a while.  He said nothing to me about it.  I am not sure what I am feeling about this.    I don't know if he knows what she is doing on the legal side with me either.   But it doesn't seem like there is anything I can do or say about it, so I am having to process this privately.

Anybody have experiences like this?

[ForeverDad]

Well, many people displaying BPD traits have a tendency to jump from one relationship to the next.  However, if you've lived apart for nearly a year then in today social climate that's not all that surprising.

Most states follow the no-fault divorce process where infidelity isn't even a factor for divorce.  If you're asking whether you should inform the attachment guy that you're in a divorce or give him clues, there is a risk of things getting sticky if you speak out.  Maybe others here can speak out about the pros and cons, but my inclination would to be cautious and let them live their lives.

No children together, married only about 5 years.  She has employment, likely little basis for her to seek alimony since these days alimony is usually only short term for the disadvantaged spouse to transition into post-marriage life.  Is there basis for the divorce still not completed?  Many people with BPD traits perceive themselves as victims so her making unrealistic claims is not surprising.

[eightdays]

She got very limited alimony and that is settled, but she is refusing to acknowledge as separate property other assets of mine.   So this has dragged out as she and her attorney have delayed and gone back and forth with us for months over it.   We have filed a motion with the court to get a decision on that now and force the issue.   I would guess he does know the divorce is not settled and there is no issue with that for me.   My issue is this is someone I know, a gentle and kind man.  And he's walking unaware into an extremely toxic drama.

Well, many people displaying BPD traits have a tendency to jump from one relationship to the next.  However, if you've lived apart for nearly a year then in today social climate that's not all that surprising.

Most states follow the no-fault divorce process where infidelity isn't even a factor for divorce.  If you're asking whether you should inform the attachment guy that you're in a divorce or give him clues, there is a risk of things getting sticky if you speak out.  Maybe others here can speak out about the pros and cons, but my inclination would to be cautious and let them live their lives.

No children together, married only about 5 years.  She has employment, likely little basis for her to seek alimony since these days alimony is usually only short term for the disadvantaged spouse to transition into post-marriage life.  Is there basis for the divorce still not completed?  Many people with BPD traits perceive themselves as victims so her making unrealistic claims is not surprising.

[Pook075]

My issue is this is someone I know, a gentle and kind man.  And he's walking unaware into an extremely toxic drama.

If you say something to him directly, then he will say something to her and at the very least, it's going to upset her.  Why do that with litigation pending?  To me, it's like poking the bear and hoping for the best.

Many here can relate to how you feel and I went through a similar situation when my ex-wife found my replacement before she left the marriage.  It was extremely tough and I can only imagine what she must have said about me to convince the guy that our marriage was definitely over.  For whatever reason, he put aside his Christian beliefs and engaged in adultery.  That's between them though and it was something I had to learn to let go of.

[ForeverDad]

So this has dragged out as she and her attorney have delayed and gone back and forth with us for months over it.   We have filed a motion with the court to get a decision on that now and force the issue.

Divorce courts are overwhelmed with a caseload that never ends.  Since judges don't want to get decisions overturned on appeal, they want the litigants to settle which is why continuances are so common.  Strangely enough, our cases usually do settle, just not at first.

To blend my prior observation with Pook's response, can  you wait until your legal case is over and you get the final decree, then decide whether and how much to say?

[eightdays]

Divorce courts are overwhelmed with a caseload that never ends.  Since judges don't want to get decisions overturned on appeal, they want the litigants to settle which is why continuances are so common.  Strangely enough, our cases usually do settle, just not at first.

To blend my prior observation with Pook's response, can  you wait until your legal case is over and you get the final decree, then decide whether and how much to say?

As I process this I'm now thinking I'm not gonna say anything, this is not my problem anymore.   Maybe he thinks I don't care at all, I have no idea what she told him.   She has been trying to hurt me in any way she can think of.   I think that is what is at the core of the legal dispute, and why it is not going away without a court order.   She started hanging out at the place I go to and tried to make 'friends' with everybody, and found a new boyfriend that works there that we both happened to know for some time.  So now she has been making out with him in public there.   She is just finally succeeding a bit at hurting me is all.   It is nothing compared to what she has been going through.   This will all pass.

[kells76]

As I process this I'm now thinking I'm not gonna say anything, this is not my problem anymore.   Maybe he thinks I don't care at all, I have no idea what she told him.

Seems wise, and in line with reality.

We have a very close friend (like a brother to me) who, about 8 or 9 years ago, started dating a woman with BPD. This was after I'd learned about BPD (my H's kids' mom has many traits) and found this site.

I shared resources with him, told him I was there to listen, and (probably) tried to caution/warn him based on what I'd seen from the kids' mom, but this was not an issue of information. I could give him great warnings and helpful information all day long but that wasn't the issue. The issue was that he is on his own timeline for working out his own relationship issues, and me informing him about the dangers I saw really had no impact on his emotional development or location on the timeline.

(Needless to say, that relationship imploded -- she'd blackmail him for money with suicide threats. Not great. I ended up helping him pack his stuff and move out of her place)

This past year we caught up with him again. He'd just gotten out of another relationship with another pwBPD, and he said, without going into details, that it was orders of magnitude worse than the last one. I didn't ask much more than that.

But that's what it took for him to finally be single, get into EMDR and a couple of other therapies, and really work on what it was in himself where he kept choosing disordered partners.

All that to say: all my warnings were not effective when I made them. I stopped warning him. He didn't need me to tell him when to get into serious therapy.

That doesn't mean it's easy to watch someone get into a dysfunctional relationship -- but then the real question is, how can I manage my own feelings about that, because I don't control what anyone else does, thinks, feels, or chooses, in this situation.

We just think "if only someone would warn him" but I also remember my H saying that nothing anyone said to him when he married his kids' mom would have dissuaded him. And, same with our friend -- I remember him saying something similar, about his first GFwBPD -- nothing anyone could have said or done would have changed his mind.

Our role as BPD-experienced onlookers isn't to "find the perfect words to warn them".

Our role is to use our improved relationship tools and skills with our friends to actively listen, to not invalidate, to support without enabling, to maintain connection, to listen without judgment, and to be there for them down the road.

Painful to watch, for sure... and an opportunity for us to practice our skills 

[eightdays]

Well, thanks for that, though I really think if this guy knew everything that was going on between me and my ex he would have second thoughts.   I just can't tell him.   He is involved romantically with someone he doesn't know that well, that I have known for 25 years, and am in a high conflict litigation with.   I don't like that he hasn't said anything to me about it and seems comfortable advertising that he is with her, even though he knows her stbx husband is there and she isn't on good terms with him.   I need to keep my distance from them I have decided, even if that means letting it drive me away from my community a little.   The universe doesn't keep score.

[kells76]

I need to keep my distance from them I have decided, even if that means letting it drive me away from my community a little.

The relational and community fallout from ending a BPD relationship can be painful. It's not just you and your ex ending your relationship; it often has a polarizing ripple effect on friends and acquaintances, too. I think it's wise of you to decline to get involved in trying to warn him or "make people see".

My H lost a good friend because his wife was close friends with his kids' mom. I think now, ~15 years later, it's possible that this friend might have finally heard some of the darker details (briefly, his wife is friends with a good friend of mine, whom I told about having to call CPS last year, and I kind of don't care if my friend told others about CPS involvement with the kids' mom & stepdad). Still waiting for an apology there... but others in our small community have come back and said outright to me that now that they know more, they feel duped by Mom & Stepdad.

It took a long time (over a decade) and I had to let go a long time ago of "waiting for payback" or "waiting for everyone to see the truth". I had to make peace with myself and with knowing who I was, and that even if nobody else saw it, I was OK with me. There are probably still people in our community who continue to idolize Mom and Stepdad, but it doesn't really bother me any more and I don't want to associate with that kind of person (who can be so fooled for so many years).

People with good heads on their shoulders will sense the dynamic early.

Keep yourself out of the mud and live a life of integrity. If you need to vent about details or observations, a good therapist is a great resource. I don't think that means "don't talk about your struggles with anyone", more just -- be judicious about what you're hoping for when you share with community members what's going on. Sometimes it helps to workshop a few neutral phrases about your situation, depending on who's asking you what's going on: "Unfortunately, our marriage is drawing to a close. It's a difficult time, and it means a lot that you checked in with me" "We had some big challenges and are parting ways. You can always ask me about anything you hear, and I'll answer to the best of my ability" "Yes, we are divorcing, and I'd appreciate your prayers right now" "I try respect everyone's privacy, of course, but if you'd like a longer conversation about how I'm doing, let's grab coffee next week" etc.

It may take a bit of time to find an equilibrium in your community again, but it's very possible... we did with ours. Shifts and rearrangements are hard, yet people of quality stuck with us, and that has meant a lot.