Annoying setbacks

[Me88]

It's been over 6 months now since we broke up. I still remember the chaos of everything, police calls, etc. I'm doing a million percent better. I know this. To be honest, I have not gotten a clear view of her in all of this time. A coworker of mine and I were leaving to get lunch and when leaving the exit she was barely coming into work, 1030am. I couldn't believe it's gotten that bad. But her boss doesn't seem to care. And I was the one always waking her up, making her tea in the morning, getting her granola and protein bar situated, fed the dogs and the cats.

For whatever reason, when I saw her. My heart just stopped and then raced. I don't know if she saw me. Maybe. But it just sort of ruined my day for now. Embarrassingly I got a bit emotional for a few seconds and now locked myself in my office I don't know why this is so strong for me still. I haven't messaged her once. I haven't seen her. I imagined I'd be a little better than this by now. My appetite is now gone. I had more love for this person than anyone I've ever been with and I know why it still stings. No closure at all and that is expected. So much chaos with all of the abuse and law getting involved.

I guess all I do is let more time go by. Continue to exercise, eat healthy and see family and friends. What a very confusing setback.

[kells76]

Have you had a chance to read The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk?

My first thought is that your response could actually be a normal range embodied trauma response -- it is happening for a reason and makes sense within the context of what you have experienced.

I still have uncontrollable physical responses when I see my H's kids' mom and stepdad around, especially if it's a surprise, and my H and his kids' mom have been divorced for ~14 years.

Our aware minds can be on a different timeline from our unarticulated "body memories". This can contribute to feelings of confusion, setback, failure, embarrassment, etc.

And, our bodies often know when there is still "threat" around, even if our aware minds can rationally tell ourselves something different.

Curious if any of that could be in the mix for you?

[Me88]

hey Kells. I haven't read that book no. I could though, so thank you.

I don't know to be honest. I was never 'afraid' of her. When she did punch me, it didn't hurt, it was more shocking than anything. I have just been working so hard to 'never' see her again. The last time I saw her was when we broke up. I blocked her immediately and deleted everything. No real closure at all, zero truly. She hovered at work for a while but I haven't heard her around for a few weeks which is a good thing I suppose.

For whatever reason some small part of me holds on to/remembers that small woman who's scared, frustrated, who needed me. The more that time goes on the more I realize I really did keep her and us afloat.

I don't view her as a threat at this time. Initially, knowing she was trying to have the cops come get me, that was definitely a threat. But I assume my brain and heart are doing that stupid thing of downplaying stuff, forgetting some bad and remembering good things.

She looked miserable driving in though and part of me felt bad. I wonder a lot of things I'll never get answers to. Where did she actually move to? are her meds actually working now? is she in therapy still and finally actively working on her own issues? Obviously she's not sleeping well since she arrives at work at 1030 or later which is crazy. I know she bought a new car since she totaled her other one, and lied about the entire story.

Six months should be a long time, but our lives were so intertwined: drive to work together, shower together, lots of fund ate nights, all holidays shared with families, me taking care of her aches and pains, nightly dinner together, took her to lunch daily at work. Full enmenshment. Complete. And while I am living my life, going places, seeing friends and family, exercising and not medicating with alcohol anymore...part of me misses that role I had.

Maybe seeing her for the first time brought back a rush of all the 'things' I was for those years I dated her. Things I do miss at times, probably a negative trait but I didn't mind that role. It felt good and I was happy I could help.

I just have to keep reminding myself of the hours long fights, screaming, crying, cursing, slamming things, being hit, ruined holidays and outings, being late to everything, blamed for everything, etc.

I have calmed down now which is good, but that was a weird feeling. I can't explain it to anyone, not even the therapist I had, but this woman has an effect on me like no one I've ever been with. I'll call it full enmeshment/trauma bond. I know I'll survive and in the grand scheme of life this not the worst problem I could have. Being in control of every other aspect of my life makes this uncontrollable area that much heavier.