Hello everyone

[Darkdays]

Hi everyone,

I found this site while trying to find something to make me feel better about the situation I find myself in once again.  My daughter was the victim of an online Pedophile when she was in her early teens.  We knew something was wrong as she was self harming and had her in therapy for years.  We did find out what was going on and finally reported it to the FBI but nothing really happened.  She finally graduated high school after many rough patches and then Covid hit.  She went to college that year but it did not work out.  It was too isolating.  She then found a partner who was significantly older than her and ended all contact with us.  She did not talk to us for 2 years upon which time she decided to include us in her life as she had given birth to a baby boy.  We were so happy to have her back in the family and ultimately she left her partner but was pregnant for the second time.  We have been supporting her for the last couple of years but our relationship continued to be rocky with her bouncing from therapist to therapist.  She has now cut the family out of her life again and i am heartbroken as I will no longer be able to see my grandkids.  I am so sad and feel it is unfixable as I do not know how to navigate as what she thinks is not based on fact.  One thing is clear - she really believes my husband and I are abusive and wants nothing to do with us.  The forum made me feel a little better as I see others face similar troubles.  I think that she will likely be happier without me in her life as I am clearly a trigger but it breaks my heart.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[loveandsadness]

I’m new to the forum but am in somewhat of a similar situation to you. My 44 year old daughter has had severe extremes of behavior for the past 17 years, though she was fragile from the time her younger brother was born. I know of no traumatic experiences she suffered but she feels that I failed her and am the cause of all of her issues. She continues to be jealous of her brother. She alternates between needing me and shutting me out when she doesn’t like the advice I give her. She has 3 young children who I love wholeheartedly. I try to absorb her moods in order to be there for my grandchildren. While we live in a different state from her we bought a small place a few blocks from her when our first grandchild was born and go there one week a month to see them. A few days ago we had a major incident and I believe she may have cut me off permanently. This is the first time she’s involved the children. I’m devastated and know her children need me and my husband (their father left to take a job in another state 5 months ago). They have been very close to us their whole lives. I am continuing to reach out to her and will go there in 12 days whether or not she responds. I don’t know if she’ll let my grandchildren see me but I will try. I can’t bear the thought of losing them. I don’t know how long I’ll keep trying but for now I will.
Your daughter is still young and hopefully she’ll see how important you are to her children, if not to herself. It seems that now you are accepting her willingness to cut you out of her life. Sadly, though I can’t imagine not being a part of their lives, the decision is ultimately in our daughter’s hands. It sounds as though you have done everything you could to help your daughter. She’s just not ready to see that. Maybe someday she will. In the meantime I hope knowing that you aren’t alone can help you keep your strength.

[CC43]

Hi there,

The stories on this thread will resonate with many parents on this site.  When grandkids are involved, the relationship seems all the more rocky and intense, because precious young lives are now involved.

I have an adult BPD stepdaughter who has experienced several periods of estrangement from various family members she considers toxic.  I just wanted to comment a little about the periods of estrangement, because I've noticed that they seem to come in different flavors.

Misguided punishment:  She would cut people (typically parents) out of her life when she didn't get her way, hoping that her absence would feel like punishment.  It seemed she hoped that her parent would "beg" her to resume communication or otherwise relent to the request du jour, or to take the blame for some sort of perceived transgression.

Avoidance of stress:  In the face of stress, such as questioning about her academic or professional performance, she'd retreat in avoidance, typically by refusing to answer texts or make any visits.  She didn't want to talk about important things in her life because she was overly stressed by them.  Even if the conversations were superficial, she'd still feel stressed out by her situation.

Retreat in shame:  Similar to stress avoidance, she would enforce periods of estrangement because she couldn't bear to face judgement (real or imagined).  She might have been kicked out of a rooming situation, failed her courses, skipped her therapy sessions or lost her job.  No matter what happened, she'd think it was the end of the world, and she was too ashamed to admit to it, let alone talk about it.  Even an innocuous, polite question like How are you? would illicit unbearable feelings of judgment and inferiority, and rather than face that, she'd cut people out of her life.

Blame-shifting / responsibility avoidance:  She'd cut people out of her life in response to an event that would trigger ill feelings, and she would re-cast a recent, but unrelated, incident as the cause of her emotional turmoil.  Let's say she traveled to a city for a job interview, and her gracious aunt let her stay in her apartment for the night.  Days later, after learning that she didn't get the job she wanted, she became unhinged by the disappointment and proceeded to blame her aunt for perceived transgressions during her visit (being condescending, mean, treating her like a baby).  Not only that, she threatened violent retribution, when all the aunt did was offer free lodging, a restaurant meal and some tips about travel logistics.  The gist is that the disappointing job interview "triggered" her, and her emotional response was to perceive "abuse" from the aunt, basically because the aunt was the closest person to her in that moment.  Thus her brain blames her aunt for causing the ill feelings, not her poor performance in the interview, because admitting to herself that she didn't perform well in the interview would be too painful to her to bear.

Inability to communicate:  Sometimes, she'd cut people out for no apparent reason.  I think even she didn't know the reasons for her mixed-up (but still very real and very strongly negative) feelings.  Rather than try to find the words and process her feelings, it was easiest to retreat in isolation.  These periods would typically be preceded by shouts of, "I don't know, just leave me ALONE!"  Despite the shouting, her energy level would be low, I think she just couldn't stand anyone anymore, especially herself.

What all these flavors of estrangement seem to have in common is a flight response.  You see, your daughter likely feels abused/traumatized/judged/inferior/aggrieved/stressed all the time, and so she is primed for a trauma-like, fight or flight response.  Does she lash out with mean, distorted texts and then cut you out?  That sounds like a fight, then flight, response to me.  After several cycles of this behavior, I've come to view a period of estrangement as an "adult time out."  In essence, she needs time and space to cool off.  I'd say, give it to her, and don't interrupt it.  If she is dependent on you (for money, childcare, lodging, insurance, emotional support, etc.) my bet is that she will be back soon enough, because even if she RESENTS you for making her feel so dependent, it's easiest for her to continue to receive your support.  If she is NOT dependent on you, then congratulations, you've succeeded in raising an independent adult, and you can hope that she's happy going her own way and being in the driver's seat of her life.  Maybe when she's ready she'll find her way back to you.

All my best to you.