Rant/Leaving a bpd relationship/experiences

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

hi all so i apologize in advance for what might seem like a rant..also hope someone out there reads this but…ive been in a absolutely horrendous relationship with my now wife that is diagnosed bpd for 3 1/2 years now. i want to preface..i FULLY take responsibility for staying as long as i have and in no way want to belittle anyone who has bpd but this is my experience.

things started out extremely fast, passionate, intense, when dating you know, the obvious bpd stuff that is often talked about but my experience compared to some ive seen online is honestly quite different in terms of severity. Over the course of the past few years there has been everything ranging from physical abuse (small amounts of it but still happened), Blackmail, emotional manipulation, and some days i genuinely feel insane. I try to be understanding as she had a ROUGH childhood but at this point i think i have to leave but i am currently stuck with no options for a bit.

i have 4 kids, 2 with her and 2 from a previous woman that i get along well with, good coparenting relationship now. however my wife hates my kids that i had with her as well as her. she was always jealous that i had kids with another woman even when she met me but when i list all the things i’ve went through i think some of you will be surprised. easiest way is to just list them off so here it goes…

1.last year, she tried befriending my older kids mom and eventually moved in with her and tried initiating a romantic relationship before getting kicked out for doing so/having bpd episode there.
2.around same time, she done same to my parents.started a close friendship with them in hopes of isolating me. that lasted a while then that inevitably fell through as all her relationships unfortunately do.
3.shes punched me twice, multiple cop calls, she got charged for domestic violence which i eventually dropped because coparenting was going decent and i just wanted no problems with her.
4. we got married during a “good phase” but that turned dark QUICK.
5. I eventually got out of the hellscape last year only to have to move right back in with her this year as my family is honestly no help in this (and they aren’t obligated too, i put myself in this)
6.Along with the various amounts of manipulation, her main thing was making you feel isolated. i think thats something she does because internally thats how she feels as she cant maintain any friendships.
7.she done therapy for a couple weeks and dropped out of it. multiple medications of different kinds, the anti pysche ones helped the most but honestly was just a band aid that ripped off every now and again.
8. the emotional up and down rollercoaster is absolutely insane. one hour things are on top of the world, the next my whole world is crumbling.
9. ive tried everything imaginable to make it work. even went as far as giving up completely, whatever she wanted i made happen and…still wasn’t enough somehow.
10. she also abused her medications some which was a problem in its own. she would run out early because she would take more than prescribed which would then lead to more episodes.
11. due to the things ive been through i have often thought that she genuinely also had some kind of sociopathic or psychopathic disorder as well but that could be just my personal perception of everything and not 100% true.
12.The advanced levels of lieing she could pull off was/is astonishing.


i have 2 children with this woman and i feel genuinely stuck. I recently lost my job as i had to move an hour away and live with her and childcare just didnt work out easy so im having to currently look for a job, place to live, and all of that all while dealing with this every day. Life is getting darker and darker and i dont know how much longer i can hold on truthfully. ive done everything i could to help her, be there for her and try to understand her condition but it has drained me emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally and im done. im getting out. i barely know who i am anymore.

i hope me posting this someone reads it and doesn’t feel as alone as i have. im a 25 year old healthy fit man and mentally i feel like ive been through war and back multiple times and experienced the worst stuff imaginable. i truly feel for people who suffer from this disorder and i resignate with any who have lived through a relationship while putting up with the effects of it.

[Steakisgood42]

hi all so i apologize in advance for what might seem like a rant..also hope someone out there reads this but…ive been in a absolutely horrendous relationship with my now wife that is diagnosed bpd for 3 1/2 years now. i want to preface..i FULLY take responsibility for staying as long as i have and in no way want to belittle anyone who has bpd but this is my experience.

things started out extremely fast, passionate, intense, when dating you know, the obvious bpd stuff that is often talked about but my experience compared to some ive seen online is honestly quite different in terms of severity. Over the course of the past few years there has been everything ranging from physical abuse (small amounts of it but still happened), Blackmail, emotional manipulation, and some days i genuinely feel insane. I try to be understanding as she had a ROUGH childhood but at this point i think i have to leave but i am currently stuck with no options for a bit.

i have 4 kids, 2 with her and 2 from a previous woman that i get along well with, good coparenting relationship now. however my wife hates my kids that i had with her as well as her. she was always jealous that i had kids with another woman even when she met me but when i list all the things i’ve went through i think some of you will be surprised. easiest way is to just list them off so here it goes…

1.last year, she tried befriending my older kids mom and eventually moved in with her and tried initiating a romantic relationship before getting kicked out for doing so/having bpd episode there.
2.around same time, she done same to my parents.started a close friendship with them in hopes of isolating me. that lasted a while then that inevitably fell through as all her relationships unfortunately do.
3.shes punched me twice, multiple cop calls, she got charged for domestic violence which i eventually dropped because coparenting was going decent and i just wanted no problems with her.
4. we got married during a “good phase” but that turned dark QUICK.
5. I eventually got out of the hellscape last year only to have to move right back in with her this year as my family is honestly no help in this (and they aren’t obligated too, i put myself in this)
6.Along with the various amounts of manipulation, her main thing was making you feel isolated. i think thats something she does because internally thats how she feels as she cant maintain any friendships.
7.she done therapy for a couple weeks and dropped out of it. multiple medications of different kinds, the anti pysche ones helped the most but honestly was just a band aid that ripped off every now and again.
8. the emotional up and down rollercoaster is absolutely insane. one hour things are on top of the world, the next my whole world is crumbling.
9. ive tried everything imaginable to make it work. even went as far as giving up completely, whatever she wanted i made happen and…still wasn’t enough somehow.
10. she also abused her medications some which was a problem in its own. she would run out early because she would take more than prescribed which would then lead to more episodes.
11. due to the things ive been through i have often thought that she genuinely also had some kind of sociopathic or psychopathic disorder as well but that could be just my personal perception of everything and not 100% true.
12.The advanced levels of lieing she could pull off was/is astonishing.


i have 2 children with this woman and i feel genuinely stuck. I recently lost my job as i had to move an hour away and live with her and childcare just didnt work out easy so im having to currently look for a job, place to live, and all of that all while dealing with this every day. Life is getting darker and darker and i dont know how much longer i can hold on truthfully. ive done everything i could to help her, be there for her and try to understand her condition but it has drained me emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally and im done. im getting out. i barely know who i am anymore.

i hope me posting this someone reads it and doesn’t feel as alone as i have. im a 25 year old healthy fit man and mentally i feel like ive been through war and back multiple times and experienced the worst stuff imaginable. i truly feel for people who suffer from this disorder and i resignate with any who have lived through a relationship while putting up with the effects of it.

[HoratioX]

I read your "rant" -- which it really isn't -- a few times. You don't seem to be asking for a reaction or response, but I'm going to post anyway. Everything I'm writing is in good will to you, so I hope you take it that way.

You should reach out to a professional therapist if you haven't already. I realize you're between jobs and such, but there may be free services somewhere online or in your community.

I say this for two reasons:

First, you may be hurting more than you suggest even in the post, and I think talking to someone professional about it could help.

Second, you're only 25 and have had now had four children, including two with your wife with BPD. I think it's important to think not only of your own health and welfare in all this but also your children's. If this is a challenging time for you, it must be for them, as well. The difference is you're a young adult, with some life experience and understanding. They are not.

A lot of the rest sounds familiar -- the outbursts, the arguing, the triangulation with others to keep you isolated or off balance. None of that is unusual when involved with someone with BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.). The degree of severity, though, suggests she may well be comorbid with other issues. You suggest psychopathy (or similar), and if so, that would be important to discuss with a professional -- not for them to try to diagnose her from afar, which they won't, but for advice on how you might proceed if, indeed, they have additional issues. Her capacity for violence, for example, is a big red flag.

You don't say she's bisexual, but if I read correctly, she moved in and tried to start a relationship with the mother of your other children? Is that correct? You don't exactly seem fazed by this. I'm not trying to pry, but is that because you were aware of her sexual preferences? Are you and/or she involved in an alternative lifestyle?

Again, I'm not trying to pry nor judge. Sexuality between consenting adults is their business. But I'm wondering if there is a larger relationship dynamic than just you and her -- that is, you, her, and your ex or others. I say this because you say she hates both her children with you and your children with your ex (if I read your statement correctly).

That's a lot of baggage, and the dynamic is confusing since if she feels that way about the children, why would your ex allow her to move in with her? Who has custody of the children with that ex? There's something missing in the details that makes understanding that dynamic -- and how it might be affecting the children, in particular -- digestible.

At the same time, I don't know that it's unusual for someone with BPD to have or claim to have an attraction to both sexes. At various points, mine did. But she would waffle on this. For instance, at one time, she claimed she'd never been with another woman, but then at other times, she intimated she had. With someone with BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.), it's not always clear when they are being honest versus saying what they think you want to hear -- or when they are falsely remembering something. Plus, it's been suggested, someone with BPD (etc.) may experience such intense fears of abandonment, they will use their sexuality regardless of sex or gender to get what they want.

I'll reiterate, I don't mean to be hung up on sexuality. But there's something missing here. She triangulates with your ex and family but then wants to move in with your ex, too. Is that all part of the triangulation or is it her BPD (etc.)? That part is quite fuzzy.

Regardless of whether or not all this is part of your lifestyle, I'd strongly recommend focusing on yourself and your children. That is, getting or staying healthy --including avoiding the toxicity with your wife, at least to the degree you can -- and on the health and welfare of your children. What happens now can have a profound impact on them for the rest of their lives. Whatever battled your wife is fighting should get your sympathy, but only to the degree you understand it's her battle. Your health and the health of your children is your responsibility. Good luck, and I mean that.

[kells76]

Hi there Steakisgood42 and another warm

When BPD is in the mix, relationships can be incredibly difficult and draining, at best. You've definitely experienced this lately -- you sound exhausted.

A lot of members here can relate to your situation in their own ways; you're definitely not alone. My husband's kids' mom has many BPD-type traits, and after she and my H divorced, she quickly married my H's best friend (well, former best friend, now), who has many NPD traits. So when I read that your W moved in with your ex, that lack of boundaries sounded really familiar.

You should reach out to a professional therapist if you haven't already. I realize you're between jobs and such, but there may be free services somewhere online or in your community.

I say this for two reasons:

First, you may be hurting more than you suggest even in the post, and I think talking to someone professional about it could help.

Second, you're only 25 and have had now had four children, including two with your wife with BPD. I think it's important to think not only of your own health and welfare in all this but also your children's. If this is a challenging time for you, it must be for them, as well. The difference is you're a young adult, with some life experience and understanding. They are not.

I'm also curious if you're getting some help and support right now, through therapy or counseling or spiritual support. Trying to parent, coparent, work, and navigate a family situation with BPD is very, very hard, and we need all the help we can get when that's going on. I have a therapist right now, and she's been really helpful and supportive. She does sliding scale pay, but if I wasn't able to afford that, the university in our area will do sessions for as low as $5 (yes, $5!). If you are connected to a church or other religious center, they may be able to help you, too. You don't have to do this alone.

Regardless of whether or not all this is part of your lifestyle, I'd strongly recommend focusing on yourself and your children. That is, getting or staying healthy --including avoiding the toxicity with your wife, at least to the degree you can -- and on the health and welfare of your children. What happens now can have a profound impact on them for the rest of their lives. Whatever battled your wife is fighting should get your sympathy, but only to the degree you understand it's her battle. Your health and the health of your children is your responsibility. Good luck, and I mean that.

Focusing on getting yourself healthy, so that you can support your kids, is so important. Your wife is an adult, and her own well being is her responsibility. When we are in a better place mentally and emotionally ourselves, then we can see more clearly how to get through the difficult times and be there for the kids involved. Not easy -- believe me, I know -- but definitely achievable.

...

How old are all your kids? Are they in school yet, and if so, how are they doing in school?

How is your work situation going? Able to find a new one yet?

Hang in there and keep posting... we'll be here.

[CC43]

Hi Steak,

Alas, what you describe sounds like BPD to me, including the rollercoaster emotions, the intense relationships that end up exploding, the impossible demands, the misreading of situations and people's intentions, your failed attempts to placate her because it's never enough, the insanely jealous behavior, and the attempts to control and isolate, to ensure that 110% of your attention is devoted to her, at the expense of everyone else, even her own children.  She'll lie and tell wildly distorted tales to get what she wants, whether it's attention, sympathy, a concession or deflection of blame for her own poor choices.  She probably engages in different sabotaging behaviors to try to ruin anything good, even if it means self-sabotage.  While it's true she might have unresolved issues from a difficult past, I can't help but wonder if she's lying about (or highly distorting) some tales of past abuses.  I'm just bringing this up because my adult BPD stepdaughter claims she suffered all sorts of childhood traumas and abuses, which in her telling are exaggerated and warped to suit her purposes.  I'm sure that she FEELS there was abuse, but the tales are highly distorted and one-sided.  When she feels abused, it's an excuse to lash out at others, in a misguided attempt to unleash her inner pain, and probably to inflict that pain on others, in retribution for the perceived wrongs.  The way I see it is that misery doesn't love company, misery loves miserable company.  Does that ring any bells for you?

In my experience, daily stresses can make BPD behaviors worse.  I bet your life is highly stressful right now, and so it's predictable that your wife is spiraling out of control.  You are both young and probably financially strapped given your ages, and you have four little ones to take care of!  Further, two of the children are from a previous marriage, which could complicate the dynamic, if only because of visitation schedules and attention from other family members which diverts attention away from your wife.

Look, BPD is treatable with therapy, but your wife has to want to change.  She'd have to stop blaming others and her difficult past for causing all her problems.  Does your wife have a victim attitude?  In my opinion, the victim attitude is the worst part of BPD, because it renders her helpless.  She doesn't control her decisions, and she thinks other people should change, not her.  Moreover, over time she's learned that when she throws tantrums and makes demands, people will end up doing what she wants, just to get her to stop.  And so her incentive is to increase her demands and accusations, to ensure that she continues to get what she wants.  Even if she feels miserable, her destructive behaviors are working for her.  In her world, her priorities and her incentives are all mixed up!  I'm not sure but she might adopt the "poor little abused girl" persona to get pity and attention, or the "raging witch" persona, to get control/servitude and have an outlet for her meanness.  Thus she has little incentive to change.  Does that make sense?  I think that's why many people with BPD resist therapy.  Maybe she'll "go along with" therapy for a few days to get a concession, but her heart probably isn't in it.  Therapy takes time and dedication to work, because therapy IS work.  Your wife likely has to "hit bottom" in order for her to realize that she needs to make some changes to start to feel better.  You can't force her into therapy, she has to want to do it.  It's no surprise to me that your wife seems to not really know who she is, because people with BPD often have a weak sense of identity, one that seems to morph according to the situation.  Without a clear sense of identity (save for the victim one I referenced earlier), it's really hard for her to plan and see herself through tough times.  She can't really envisage a good future for herself, and so she's scared, and she retreats by looking backwards and ruminating on the grievances du jour.  Sound familiar?

I'm not sure how to advise you here, except to say that it sounds like you are in crisis.  I think you need to take care of yourself first, because you're no good to your family if you are in despair.  Also, it's hard to make good decisions when you are frazzled.  Do you have some trusted family members who could help you out, maybe to take the kids for a couple of days?  Maybe someone could co-sign a lease on an apartment that would help you get a job?  Would you consider calling a domestic violence hotline, because emotional abuse is abuse after all?  Maybe they could point you in the right direction, to get some resources to help you through this tough time.

In the meantime, I'd say that when your wife is raging, do not JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).  To JADE means you are engaging with her wild emotions and feeding the fire so to speak.  What I'd recommend to do instead is to extricate yourself from the situation WITHOUT blaming or talking much, if at all.  Make an excuse if you have to (I have to go to the bathroom/I have to change the baby's diaper/I need some fresh air) and disengage.  She needs an "adult time out" to calm down, and don't interrupt it if possible.  If you're stuck together with her, for example in a car, then you can disengage by pretending to be a gray rock, i.e. sit still and silent, as boring as a gray rock.  If she pesters you, say as calmly as possible that you need to focus on driving and you'll talk when you arrive at the destination.  In other words, engage with her only when you are both calm.  In addition, I'd recommend that you get a little exercise, even if it's just ten minutes of walking or jogging.  I find that the exercise can give your brain a needed break, and getting some physical distance, if only for a short time, can help you re-center and think more clearly.

Your situation sounds really tough.  I hope this helps you understand your wife a little better and can help you diffuse the situation.  All the best to you.