I need some guidance

[AliandNoah]

Long time reader here finally have the courage to ask for help.

I need help navigating reconnecting a relationship with my daughter.
It's a very long story on how we, as a family, got to this point.  I won't go into that now but for context she will talk to my husband but has decided to go no contact with me.Back in Sept of last year I had set some boundries with her.  She left home when she was 17 and moved to another state and got pregnant while partying.  Single mom.  Didn't want me involved, just my bank account since she left.  My husband finally put his foot down and forbid me to give her a single cent....and with good reason...her online persona is wild with alcohol....and psychedellics.  She asked for help and instead of money I gave her resources and/or an offer of a plane ticket home with a promise of getting her life back together.  Not only did she decline both but told my husband one night she was going no contact with me.  So all of this happened early Sept, the baby was born in Oct.
She sent a few pictures to him only.  She still hasn't tried to reconnect with me.  I know how she is so I decided to give her some space...and it's killing me she hasn't tried to call.

She's said she wants to go no contact with us before...and it lasts around 4-5 months and then we get a call or a text.  This time....nothing.

I don't want to invade.  I don't want to be unkind to her feelings...is she waiting for me to reach out?  It's so complicated with her.  She's my only child and my love for her is so strong...despite my hurt feelings.

How do I make this better?  I want a relationship.  I want her to feel loved and validated.  If she needs help, I'd love to help her if she'll take it.  I'd love to be able to trust her again.  (She lies about the dumbest things)  I've always told her I'd rather hear the awful truth than a lie.  I want to get to know her, not what she thinks I want to hear or see. (and I mean it)

She was bullied all throughout her childhood.  She was such a free spirit and I LOVED that about her.  And then it changed.  Everything changed and her dad and I became the target.

It has been a painful decade.  My whole heart hurts.  I'd give anything just to hold her again.  It's just so unbelievably sad.  Tears are falling just writing this.

I miss her.  Is it okay just to send her a text to let her know I'm still here?  Did she really mean she doesn't ever want to have me in her life again or did she just need space dealing with the last confrontation?  What do I do?  I don't want her to feel like I've just given up on her and want nothing to do with her but if she still needs space....I'll wait.  I honestly think she's so scared of negative judgement it's just easier for her to cut us/me out.

I know what it feels like to have an insanely close relationship with a parent.  I talk to my dad almost daily....and to have your own daughter just not want you in their life.....it's devastating.  Not what I want at all. 

Do I call her or just leave her be?
Thank you in advance if you read this and are willing to give me some advice.
I could really use some.

Ali

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi,
I, too, am estranged from.my adult son.  I did send him a Happy Birthday email to him . No response. After a few years his email was deactivated.   I would say if you send a message, keep it very short and don't have expectations. Lastly, always take care of you.

[AliandNoah]

Thank you for replying.  That is great advice.

It's so sad that this happens to families.  To know she's struggling and to be able to be a support system is literally breaking me....you know, in the quiet moments of the day.
I feel like I've just lost her.  Like she's dead but not dead. 

I don't want to think of her as a horrible person for doing what she's done and said.
(At one point the court system advised us to put cameras in and outside of the home for our protection) it got that bad....because I know that sweet beautiful soul is in there somewhere...somewhere deep underneath the pain...I just wish she could access it.

I've had friends and family say over and over....you did nothing wrong to try to ease our pain over the years and it helps a little but the guilt...the what could I have done differently's creep in from time to time.

In my private thoughts before I had her this was my biggest fear about having children.  I was a product of a failed abortion and adopted out to a mother who got pregnant shortly after I was adopted.  She said if she would have known just to wait for my sister she never would have adopted me....and never let me forget that I was a mistake from the beginning.
So much emotional neglect.
Sometimes you repeat the pattern and in my case it taught me how to love.  Maybe I held her too much?  Maybe I did too much for her?  Maybe I was too close?  I was certainly determined to make her feel loved and supported...and listened to. 
I think it backfired.