Bpdw dysregulated because I lost my Dad…

[thankful person]

I always knew this would be a hard time and I’ve even spoken of it on here before. I am absolutely disgusted at my bpdw’s behaviour and I wanted to share it here with the hopes I won’t feel the need to tell everyone at work everything as I now have supportive friends at work. I am so ashamed of my wife Abe my feelings are so mixed because her behaviour is disgusting yet always brings me back to the childhood trauma she faced which has made her this way. She does not blame her behaviour on it. But it is the reason she is this way.

My Dad passed a few weeks ago and my wife’s Grandad also passed away a few days ago. My work friends all found out what was going on when bpdw was putting pressure on me to miss my father’s funeral so she could go and see her dying Grandad, even though she bullied me out of seeing my Dad before he died insisting she needed me here with the kids. She says I just take off when I want like I have no obligation to our four little ones. I told her, I am going to Dad’s funeral and will take the kids if I have to. Her Grandad sadly passed before my Dad’s funeral so she didn’t get to see him. One of my friends at work pointed out this seemed fair as she guilted me out of seeing my Dad when he was dying. Dad was totally unconscious for a week so I would feel worse if I’d known he was wanting to see me.

Dad’s funeral was yesterday. Bpdw initially had the time changed, for herself from 12pm to 10am. This was because we live 5-6 hours away, she she wanted us to get up in the middle of the night and drive down, saying she would do the driving. Her mother was going to look after our kids and there were discussions whether she would take our breastfed baby or leave him here. Her mother was not happy to look after the Dogs we had boarding. So bpdw asked my mother if she would donate funds to refund and cancel these bookings as she didn’t have the money. My mum agreed. Bpdw was then stressing about what to where to the funeral and the fact it was too “posh” as she thought there was going to be a singer but actually there wasn’t. She was also stressed about leaving baby with her mother who always overfeeds bottles, and didn’t want to bring him. So she decided she wasn’t going to come.

Due to my wife’s Grandad passing, her mum couldn’t come as it was her dad’s dad, but he wasn’t able to drive her here. So again I stayed here to help with kids bedtime, left around 9pm and arrived at my mothers at 2am.

I am proud to say that I didn’t give my wife much attention on the day of my Dad’s funeral. Well… not until I was driving home and unfortunately that took over six hours. I did ring her in the morning to practise reading my poem. Even though she has sneered at me for getting choked up over it. I said not stay on the phone afterwards. There were other family members staying who I wanted to see and catch up with. My wife watched the funeral service on video cam. She was very jealous to see my sister in law and my aunt comforting me at the end of the service. It was around 3 hours from the start of the service until when I left the wake to start driving home for it kids bedtime. It was wonderful to see all of my Dads family and catch up with my brother and my cousins and everyone. I did text wife a couple of times with pictures. Texts weren’t getting through very well but I seriously didn’t care. I was already getting these messages:
“Why haven’t you called me just to speak to me? To get my support.
It’s like I don’t exist, nor do you care that I’m here? I’m not here. You don’t need me..
I’m just saying, I thought you would’ve involved me a bit more. I shouldn’t have had to say anything that is the hurtful point.
Maybe you would’ve rung me and I could’ve spoken to some people, I could’ve spoken to Mum and C and E. Just involving Me a bit more because you know that I can’t be there because I have commitments where none of you do.”

For some reason I wasn’t prepared for her to scream at me all the way home about how selfish I am, how I make everything about me, how our marriage is a shambles, where is the support, how I would take her support when I get home and give nothing back… well that part is laughable as she’s barely even given me a hug since my Dad died. For context, she admits she wasn’t close to her Grandad. Her Dad was unable to drive her because he keeps bursting into tears over his Dad dying, he didn’t want to visit him when he was sick and he won’t go to the funeral and when he stayed here recently after my Dad died I was told I could not speak about my Dad or get upset in front of him as he couldn’t handle it.

I have continued to have a few breakdown moments at work, usually after speaking to my wife on my break. Everyone I work with now knows what my wife is like but I’m so ashamed of her I don’t want to tell them of all the accusations and screaming following my Dad’s funeral. But I might because I am no longer lying to cover up her disgusting behaviour. I shall continue to grieve on my own, tears coming briefly and quietly and when I’m at work and people hold me to comfort me. Shall try and get things back to being more stable here at home where I will have more strength to validate and try to fix some of this damage. It was truly wonderful to see my family and I’m glad my wife did not destroy my Dad’s funeral.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry that this happened for you. When my father was ill and passed away, my BPD mother's behavior escalated to the point where I was also horrified. I think we assume that people have some understanding of how others feel at this kind of loss. It was reasonable to assume your wife would understand too.

What I realized then was that my BPD mother did not have the capacity to consider other people's feelings like this. She, herself, was so overwhelmed by her own emotional issues- there wasn't any way she could see beyond this.

The pattern in the family was like this- BPD mother, her feelings, her needs were the main focus. Yes, some went to the kids as needed but her needs, her feelings- those were a primary focus. If anything diverted that focus- something at work, or something with the family, to my BPD mother, whose perception was from victim perspective- any shift of focus from her to something/someone else was seen as not attending to her on purpose and being hurtful to her, and she reacted. It didn't matter if the "reason" was logical and not about her or with any intent to hurt her, this is how she "felt" it.

I also learned before that to not rely on BPD mother agreeing to plans that involve her doing something for someone else. Between the agreement to the plans, her emotions could change, the plans could change. If I had a plan for anything- it had to not rely on her at all. Even something positive for her. I once planned a get together for her and her family- planned the event, paid for the food. One hour before the party she decided she was "angry at me" and might not attend her own party.

That your wife agreed to a plan for your father's funeral and then changed the plans is an example of the changing emotions that make plans change.

You are grieving now and it's completely normal to do so. But consider this- your idea of going back to validate and fix this. It's how your wife thinks- and you can not fix how she thinks. I think you have seen what your wife is capable of emotionally and that any plans with her might change, and although this is difficult, expecting her to act differently is like expecting someone who can't swim to swin the English channel. She can't. I wish it were doable for you to attend some kind of grief support group, as it does help to have the support through this.