How to deal with my child

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi I have a 23 yrs old non binary child with diagnosed bpd, autism and fibro. Now the issue I am having is they hate my partner. I've been with my partner just over 2 years although he was a family friend before that for 4/5 years. My child was at university when we became a couple instantly they decided they hated him they can never give me actual reasons just that 'they hate him and don't feel safe with him in the house he's re training and is away majority of the time but is currently home for 10 weeks and I need advice of how to cope. He was recently diagnosed adult adhd although you could always tell so we have some coping mechanisms in place to help him, I help with money and reminders etc and sometime body doubling.  My child just sees this as babying him and constantly is making snide comments and honestly being a bitch. They have accused me of putting him first which isn't true I've been ensuring they still get 121 attention from me, but their attitude is making me not want to spend time with them atm. They are now threatening to cut me off and move out , I know their brain works very differently but I am really struggling  it feels like they want my life to revolve around them.  They are known for cutting people out their life fof not agreeing with them their dad and his family/multiple friends etc they 9nly have people in their life that validate them and their opinions no matter how insane it is. I've learnt that at 23 not a lot I can do so so long as they follow basic rules in house and pays their share I have to ignore it for my own mental health.  They don't work, get benefits,  does nothing all day every day. Have strong political views that you can't say anything against. I suspect they also have strong narcissist tendencies as there is that within the family. They say themselves they don't care about other people's feelings.  Anyone got any advice of how I can even talk to them sensibly or advice?

[Rosebud02]

Hi I have a 23 yrs old non binary child with diagnosed bpd, autism and fibro. Now the issue I am having is they hate my partner. I've been with my partner just over 2 years although he was a family friend before that for 4/5 years. My child was at university when we became a couple instantly they decided they hated him they can never give me actual reasons just that 'they hate him and don't feel safe with him in the house he's re training and is away majority of the time but is currently home for 10 weeks and I need advice of how to cope. He was recently diagnosed adult adhd although you could always tell so we have some coping mechanisms in place to help him, I help with money and reminders etc and sometime body doubling.  My child just sees this as babying him and constantly is making snide comments and honestly being a bitch. They have accused me of putting him first which isn't true I've been ensuring they still get 121 attention from me, but their attitude is making me not want to spend time with them atm. They are now threatening to cut me off and move out , I know their brain works very differently but I am really struggling  it feels like they want my life to revolve around them.  They are known for cutting people out their life fof not agreeing with them their dad and his family/multiple friends etc they 9nly have people in their life that validate them and their opinions no matter how insane it is. I've learnt that at 23 not a lot I can do so so long as they follow basic rules in house and pays their share I have to ignore it for my own mental health.  They don't work, get benefits,  does nothing all day every day. Have strong political views that you can't say anything against. I suspect they also have strong narcissist tendencies as there is that within the family. They say themselves they don't care about other people's feelings.  Anyone got any advice of how I can even talk to them sensibly or advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Rosebud,

I can relate, as I have a BPD stepdaughter who went through a similar period, and I'm the wicked stepmom.  Though I've known her from age eleven, I didn't marry her dad until she was entering college, so that I wouldn't disrupt her life or living situation at all.  I thought, she'd be in college, entering adulthood, and she wouldn't really care what her dad and I did, especially as she had been living with her real, stay-at-home mom most of the time, and then she went to live on campus.  Well, I was sorely mistaken.  It seemed like the second I married her dad, she and her sister fell apart.  Both had suicide attempts, dropped out of college and landed in my home, living there full-time in misery, while being NEETT (not in education, employment, training or therapy) for extended periods.  I bet I don't have to explain how miserable it is living with full-grown adults (plural!) who do nothing but hate you full time.  Alas, the younger stepdaughter was diagnosed with BPD.  The older sister supposedly had ADHD, but I think she faked symptoms because she wanted to abuse the medications.  Both had a period of serious dysfunction when they consumed marijuana daily.

Anyway, when I think of the BPD stepdaughter, it's clear that she wanted 100% of her dad's devotion and financial support, and so it's natural that she would hate me, as I would divert some of his attention away.  She would act out to reclaim that attention, because negative attention is attention after all.  Though she's very sensitive generally and seems to pay close attention to others' moods/feelings/behaviors, that sensitivity does not extend to showing empathy for others.  Therefore she can be exceedingly petulant, demanding, needy and mean.  She can have raging tantrums every other day, but she expects others never to show the slightest amount of anger or frustration.  She can stay in bed for 16 hours straight, but others must never tire of serving her with alacrity.  She can stand people up with no warning or explanation, but if someone asks her to take a rain check, she has a meltdown.  She expects to be invited, but doesn't invite others.  She complains of being exhausted all the time (though she's unemployed), but she thinks I'm a loser for relaxing by the TV after a 12-hour workday.  She'll repeatedly cut people out of her life, but then lament that she has no friends.  She'll shout, Leave me alone, but then she'll crave attention.  She basically resents me and her dad for making her feel dependent and childlike, but she is incredibly resistant to getting a job; if she does get one, she quickly quits or gets fired.  She'll say she hates us and never wants to see us again, but then she wants our help (money, co-signing, transportation, logistical help, pet sitting, more money, etc.).  Does that sound familiar?

I bet I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.  I happen to think that the worst part of BPD is the victim attitude.  To your adult child, that means that OTHERS are to blame for their miserable situation in life.  If your adult child is living with you, that also means they probably blame YOU for all their problems.  They hate you for "making" them feel so miserable.  The worst of it is, this attitude makes them feel powerless.  They expect others to change, not them.  They avoid responsibility, because taking responsibility is just too hard/stressful/painful.  Their thinking is really distorted.  It's like they actively look for things to be offended or aggrieved by.  They will create drama (real or imagined) as a distraction from what they really should be doing.  They probably think, their life is over, even though they are just 23 and have an entire lifetime ahead of them.  But the pervasively negative thinking and victim attitude holds them back.  It's basically learned helplessness.  For as long as they live with you like they did when they were little kid, they will blame you, because you're the PARENT, and they think that you're supposed to FIX it, and that you OWE them.  They might try to guilt you by saying you abused them, or claiming that their childhood was terrible.  They get stuck in a rut of reliving (and misremembering) negative events from ancient history -- anything to divert the focus from the future, because the future is absolutely terrifying to them!

There is nothing you can do to fix the hyper-sensitivity and dysfunctional thinking.  They have to decide to do that for themselves, with therapy.  They need to learn to get control their emotions,  tolerate a little stress/disappointment/anxiety, and take charge of their life.  At the same time, you probably need to learn some boundaries and not let your kid treat you like a doormat.  Does that sound about right?  If it does, it's because I and many other parents on this site struggle with this every day.  I guess if I could offer advice, I'd say, take care of yourself first.  You're no good to your kid if you're a train wreck.  Second, you need to live your life.  If you give up all your time, money, vacation and  relationships/friends to deal with BPD, it will never be enough, and you might end resenting your kid.  I'd say, you should model for your kid what a healthy adult's life looks like, and that includes doing nice things for yourself.  Finally, I'd advise to proceed in baby steps.  Maybe for you right now, that could be implementing one boundary at a time.  One might be, if your kid screams at you or insults your partner, you'll leave the room or hang up.  Another might be, if your kid threatens suicide or violence, you call 911.  Just keep in mind that people with BPD don't like boundaries, so you might encounter an extinction burst, which means a temporary increase in the bad behavior that used to work for them.

Hang in there.  There are all sorts of helpful tips on this site.  All the best to you.

[js friend]

Hi Rosebud,

This is a really tough one. My udd was exactly the same as you describe.

My udd was jealous of EVERY interaction I had with anyone be it with friends, family work colleagues. Sometimes its nice to share a funny story about your day, but I wasnt even allowed to do that without my udd belittling, sulking, being angry or totally ignored so I can just imagine your daily struggles having a live in partner. My theory is that a lot of the jealousy and even hatred  comes from their own desire to have those same healthy social interactions and close intimacy with others.

Here are some suggestions/examples that I tried with my own udd.

1. Encourage your child to get a life of their own.
It will develop their personality whether it be a hobby, studying, travelling etc.

2. Get a pet.
Sounds strange but getting a pet really helped my udd for while with her emotions and focused her energies elsewhere for a while until she got bored looking after it.

3. spend a day together (just the 2 of you).......every week, fortnightly, monthly.
Only try it if your child can tolerate being with you for any length of time.
It might help if your child thinks they dont get to spend no quality time with you.
Idk how much my udd actually enjoyed it but it certainly got her out of her room for a few hours at a time.

3. Boundaries. They are used to protect YOU from the abuse and manipulation and safeguard your own mental health. Ignoring it doesnt work believe me it just makes it worse
Things couldnt have got much worse in my home before I started having boundaries with my udd. She didnt like them because she knew that I meant business and that things would never go back to the way they were before and so I had a fight on my hands, but they ultimately helped ME to regain some control.

4. Therapy if they/you/both are open to it.
We tried therapy for a while and  my udd loved it. It gave her a chance to really open up. I think I was put down quite a lot in her therapy sessions. which I expected but at least she had an outlet. I think that it is important that you have an outlet too and worth looking into if you do not already have a therapist.

5. Moving out.
If all else fails then maybe it is really time for your child to move out. Your home is your home and you have a right to be happy in it and allowed to have whomever you like there and if your adult child doesnt like it maybe it is time for them to find somewhere else to live. My udd hated living at home and told me from a very early age that she wanted to leave making everyones lives hell in the meantime. Eventually she moved out when she was 17yo and it became the only option left for us at the time as things were sooo bad  and actually we became a little closer for a while after she moved out.
She is now 31yo and we are recently estranged but it  worked out for the best for both of us. She got her freedom she craved  and I got my sanity back.