Married 12 years, the last 3 years have shown a deteriorating pattern

[NineHours]

Hello Everyone, thanks in advance for any replies or help you offer.

The background. My wife is from a different culture. So there's that... often during the relationship I have assigned what I considered to be strange behaviour down to cultural differences.

When we got together, (from what I have recently read), this was a textbook new relationship with someone who has either BPD or borderline traits. It was a long-distance relationship, so some of these experiences were not as intense as they would have been if we were in the same country. However, looking back, it's pretty clear.

From the beginning, it was that phrase 'emotional rollercoaster'. I'd never experienced anything like it, but she was special to me. The intensity of emotion was something I found attractive. I managed what I now know was her deregulated states, but looking back, I knew something was off. After 9 months or so of a long distance relationship and a couple of holidays together I arranged another trip to her home country. This time she wanted me to meet her family. I was excited to do so and completely in love with her.

A meal was arranged in a private dining room at the hotel we were staying in. As we entered the dining room there were around 25 of her family and me. It turns out this was a special party, one that is arranged when the couple want to get married and seek the family approval. I had no idea. I was completely manipulated and blindsided. So as not to cause any family problems and because I loved her, I continued with the meal and interacted with the family as best I could. There was a language barrier as well.

The rest of the visit passed without incident, and I did not raise the subject (neither did she). The relationship followed the usual rollercoaster dynamic, and being at a distance, it was easier to manage these peaks and troughs. I loved her and didn't want to see past that.

Soon, she came to join me on a 6-month visa in my country. Overall, it was such a positive experience, with the occasional 'episode', but nothing that felt too extreme. At the end of the visa, she had to return to her country.

We decided to get married (2 years after meeting). Arranging to live together in my country was complicated and required a visa, which took a lot of work and time. I made a couple of visits to her country while we were doing this, and during one of those visits, she became pregnant. Eventually, she arrived in my country 4 months or so pregnant.

The birth was traumatic, requiring emergency intervention, and she showed signs of post-partum depression. A couple of suicide threats. Then things settled again. She became pregnant again quickly, and the second child was born 12 months after the first. She settled into life in my country, focused on the children and building a friend network of her own via the mum and baby groups.

Of course, we had regular emotional rollercoaster episodes, but generally things were relatively quickly resolved after the emotional disconnection (the silent treatment is her go-to) within a couple of days, normally. This emotional routine was pretty normalised between us, and I treated it as just the way she was.

Gradually though, the episodes increased in frequency, to the point where after about 7 years they were every month at least, to the point where I considered it must be hormonal and again just lived with it. The silent treatment was beginning to last longer, a week or more at a time. Resolving an emotional episode was extremely difficult and was often just ignored when her emotional state switched back to usual. And then the next time it just started again with another completely unexpected trigger.

We decided to move to her country 3 years ago, so that the children could have the experience of the other side of their culture. Literally, almost as soon as we landed, the emotional rollercoaster switched to extreme. Now, leading up to the silent treatment, we had explosions of rage. Dishes being broken, doors slammed, physical violence. Not understanding at all what was either setting these episodes off, or understanding how to deal with them at all (completely out of my depth - I have never experienced any personal relationship like this), I attempted all sorts of strategies. Nothing worked.

Eventually, around 6 months ago, because of the regular frequency (every 3 weeks now there would be a major episode - which I have not helped to calm because I had no idea what was going on or what to do) I made the assumption again that it was all hormone related and said that I'd really reached the end. I needed her to do something to try and sort it out. I said that we'd see how things were in 6 months, but that I could not carry on living with the volatility. It wasn't healthy for anyone.

She tried something for the first month (natural tablets to help regulate menstrual hormones), and it was calmer. Then she stopped and has done nothing since. We are now in the 5th week of the latest silent treatment and from her (written) language she has completely devalued me. She asked me to consider my behaviour and answer her questions about the relationship etc. which on the face of it appeared to be a desire to walk on the path to resolution. Eager to engage, I did so. However when I have asked her questions and asked for her clarifications I am completely ignored. She has only been interested in a one-sided biased review.

She hasn't looked me in the eye in all that time. Her behaviour with everyone, apart from me, is completely normal. She not only ignores me, but actively tries to isolate me from the children by speaking only in her language and encouraging them to do the same.

The extreme nature of this latest episode (with no end in sight) led me to look further into the history of our relationship and what those signs and symptoms may indicate. Leading me here.

It feels pretty hopeless at the moment, no sign of any resolution. I have now reached the point where it feels that she has so completely devalued me that there will be no way back.

I love her, but this emotional rollercoaster, I do not love at all. I am completely drained by it and also living in a foreign country with a very limited social network.

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Particularly, how do I encourage her to seek proper help (I'm doubtful she will listen or admit she needs it anyway), what resources are there to help me manage this relationship with her? And, if we part, what danger is there of her repeating this relationship dynamic, she has developed with me, with one or both of our children?

I should add, finally, that she grew up as the youngest child of a bipolar mother and has been rejected a couple of times. Her family dynamic often sees members of their family not speaking to each other. Generally, my wife has not spoken in detail about her childhood or past relationships. She is pretty closed about both subjects.

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[awakened23]

Hi NineHours, My sympathies and solidarity with you for what you are going through. Although our stories are different, my BPDw exhibits several of the same behaviors as your wife. Like you I wasn't aware of BPD for close to 2 decades in my marriage and wrote off every incidents as mood swings, hormonal, post-partum, pre-partum, PMS, anger issues, etc, until I found out about BPD. The revelation did help in that it helped eliminate several years of self-doubt in my own personality and behavior and consequent depression/loss of confidence. Our marriage hopped meanwhile from crisis to crisis, just hoping that the latest resolution was a new turn in our relationship. I am now at crossroads again.
What I have learned and now come to realize is that, the first question to ask yourself is not whether my BPDw will get better.  The question to ask is whether the behaviors are acceptable to you, if not what steps are you willing to take to stop it. The answers may or may not limit your options on what you can do next. Non-PD individuals like us also have a strong caretaker personality and we have to remind ourselves constantly we didn't cause the disorder, we can't cure the disorder and we are not responsible for the bad effects on others due to this disorder. Except in the case of kids whom we need to prioritize in protecting as best as we can - which from the wisdom of other posters here, I have understood that it is better for growing kids to have a emotionally stable place  50% of the time, rather than living in chaos 100% of the time. Good luck!

[NineHours]

Many thanks for your thoughtful and helpful reply. As you noted, the kids are the priority. However, at the moment, 95% of the behaviour is aimed at me, but undoubtedly it does cause an atmosphere which they of course pick up on.