Move on or try to fix things with ex pw BPD

[Wind21]

Hello everyone on the forum!
This is my first time here posting after reading many times, so I finally decided to be one of you and to share my experience with a person with this disorder, hoping someone will eventually provide some support and ideas.
My ex pwBPD broke up with me 2 1/2 months ago. We have been together a little more than 1 1/2 years.
During this time I experienced all the rollercoasters, ups and downs, idealisations and devaluations, triangulations with her ex and father of their 13yo son and many short breakups (before the last one, the longer was a week long one, she called in tears wanting me back to her), huge fear of abandonment followed by a progressive and intermittent fear of engulfment, raging arguments with no reasons. So all the typical signs of BPD.
I was left like I she felt nothing for even if she kept on swearing she still loved me but couldn't keep on stayin' with me, telling me we were not meant for each other, that pur lifestyles were too different (big lie!!) and putting all the faults and blame on me, accusing me of being narcissistic, abusive and manipulative just because I tried to let her see things more positively, in grey and not in black/white. The painting me black was already strong so I failed in my attempt to fix things.
After a week of no contact I tried again, we had arguments and After 2 days she blocked me on phone, WhatsApp, Instagram and Facebook, leaving me TikTok only. I tried to text her with something more warm, trying to let her feel understood yet express ing my feelings and intentions with honesty. I received the silent treatment, after a few days I went all in trying to shake her writing "I accept It, maybe you're right, maybe we were not meant to reach other". After a few hours she blocked me on TikTok too.
Then I had just the email left, I apologized for my last text telling her I felt bad 'cause she was ignoring me, again no reply. I sent her various email, letting her know I was struggling. Still no answer. I started getting suspicious about the presence of another man in her life, I asked, still no reply. I texted again, telling her It would have been good for me to know because in that case I could move on, and then she immediately replied that there was no one else. This was more than a month ago. Since that, she only replied to a text where I wrote "Hope you are good..", she texted "me too I hope you are, always".
Then I went no contact for nearly a month, I broke It and texted just a simple "hi...", she didn't reply and never reached out after that since that day.
Now it's been 3 weeks, yesterday I casually met her best male friend. He told me she's not committed yet, he advised me to not contact her and to move on.
I am still deeply in love with her, I think about her every day, every minute of my life, and I wonder if she's just gone or if there is still a chance we will still exist together. I know it sounds crazy to you, but I am here to rationalize and try to make up my mind about all of this hard time.
Many thanks to all of you who will give support.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Wind21 and welcome to the group 

Definitely a lot of moving parts in your situation; her, her son, her son’s dad, her male friend, you… and BPD. That’s a lot to navigate, especially when you have your own deep feelings about her and the situation.

Learning about identifying our own values and taking charge of our own choices can be important in relationships involving BPD. That way, instead of making the pwBPD “in charge” of where our life owes, we put ourselves in the driver’s seat.

For example, even if you never find out if she is with someone else or not, you are still in charge of if you want to keep that door open, or move on. We can support you in whatever path you choose.

…

Have either of you reached out to each other in the last couple of weeks?

[hiiumaa]

Hi wind21,

I understand your feelings quite well, I think.
For the last three years I was in a relationship with someone bpd/npd including the complete palette of the rollercoaster.

I needed more than two years to really be able to understand and feel what kells76 wrote to you.
It was only my partner who was on my mind these first two years. I forgot myself. He broke up with me about 20! times in these three years.Ghosting, silent treatment, blocking me everywhere… it was painful! And nevertheless - I always took him back.

I needed a deep point of exhaustion to realize, that I forgot myself and that I‘m caught in co-dependency and trauma-bonding.

Don’t forget yourself. Kells 76 is right. Think about your own values.