BPD mother is set to move in with us September 1st - need help preparing for it

[MissCreature]

[ :help:color=black][/color] I have 2 children, a 16 month old and a 7yo. I have fought hard to obtain some serenity in my household and feel like I’m really tempting fate here by allowing her to move in. I was going to add her to the lease here but after hearing her mischaracterize the situation, saying things like so I guess I will be head of household now, right? And then starting to fantasize about what she can do with my son’s room to suit her - this is not your forever home ok? I can’t have her getting that comfortable. (She said that bit about being the new HOH because she noticed after looking at the paperwork I’d already filled out, that she has a higher income than we do at the moment - not that it reflects in her lifestyle, she’s paying out fees for 2 payday loans every month, shes undoubtedly got multiple subscriptions being withdrawn too - she gets her account flagged for fraud every other month and was paying for 2 Netflix subscriptions neither of which she could access last time she got in a situation where she was unable to pay rent due to all of the nonsense she had coming out of her acct. You know the deal. She’s waifish, complaining about her problems until I finally get frustrated and try to fix the problem only to have her undo the fix as soon as she’s able. It almost feels like she resents being helped, but here we are anyhow, with me helping her out again, regardless of whether it was ill advised or not - if this situation sounds too fraught with problems to go ahead with then tell me that of course but if there are ways I might can manage it without coming unraveled that’s what I’m after)

This arrangement where she’ll be living with me temporarily was devised after her landlord raised the rent again for the fourth year, meaning she’s paying nearly 70% of her income for rent. She’s one hiccup from being evicted. And so instead of watching her just sign the lease renewal I helped her put in her 60 day notice to vacate the property, after which she could stay with me until she had saved enough to get another place. My sister suggests having her sign an agreement to pay me $200 in rent (an amount that I am concerned about charging because like I said I don’t want to let her think she has legal right to live here indefinitely). If she’s staying here at all I will require that she give me at least $500 a month to put in savings. Maybe even more, because it could cost her up to $2400 to move out and I want her to be out of my place by Christmas so maybe it would be best just to collect $800 from her monthly. I know she will buck up on that, throw passive aggressive barbs out soon as she is broke blah blah blah even though that would still just be 30% of her overall monthly income (she receives ss survivors benefit and is age 68) and she has no other bills (like car payments or life insurance - just a cell phone and payday loans and lord knows what all else coming out, but as far as other necessary bills - nada. But with $800 a month put back starting in September she would certainly be able to move out by the end of December.

In addition to limiting the length of time she will be staying here I need other actionable advice I can use to protect myself from the ceaseless boundary testing that she’ll be engaging in. I tense up as soon as I’m around her I’m so used to her intrusive neediness. I read a phrase on this site that I really related with. When watching her interact with my 18 month old especially: she’s “intrusively insensitive”. How can I stay more regulated myself, and help shield my family somewhat from the disregulating effects she has on me? I want more than anything to grow my capacity to be a source of lightness and humor instead of a source of anger and frustration when she is around.

Thanks for reading… if you’ve gotten this far I just want to hug you for listening!

[MissCreature]

Btw I think I may have tagged this post as an excerpt accidentally. Sorry about that. I dont know how to edit after posting.

[Notwendy]

How old is your mother? If you want her out in December- she will have to have a place to go.

My best guess is that- getting her to move out would be one of the hardest parts of this situation. It seems as if sharing the rent is to her advantage.

I also don't know how you can enforce her giving you the money.

My BPD mother might have agreed to something- but then not follow through.

She is deceased now, but also had sufficient money- but was reckless with it as well. Also, she didn't keep agreements. She might agree to something but it was also possible she'd change her mind. It's not possible to control someone else.

Here's the thing about boundaries- they aren't to control the other person- they are what we will do if someone crosses the boundary. The boundary here isn't "she will move out in December" or "she will contribute $500 a month".

It's- what will you do if she doesn't move out? What will you do if she doesn't give you the money? Here's where I see the difficulty- how does one evict their own mother? Where would she go?  How do I get money from one's own mother? Even if you had a written agreement- you'd at least have to take her to court and if you'd even have a case- it might be costly to do that, and hard to do with your own mother.

It's understandable to want to help our own mothers. My BPD mother took out a home equity loan and didn't tell anyone. She was at risk for the bank repossessing the house and also at an age where she needed assistance. We moved her out of the house and into assisted living, sold the house for her and put the funds in her account, assuming they'd be used for her care. She was legally competent and wouldn't let other family members help her with managing them. She went through them quickly too.

One issue I see is - how can you enforce your mother keeping her financial agreement? It's still her money and you don't have any control over it.

This situation is emotionally difficult because, this is our own mother. However, your mother is a legal adult and responsible for her own behavior. Emotionally, it feels like between a rock and a hard place, when thinking our own mothers might be evicted. We do want to be good daughters to them.

BPD mother wanted to move closer to me, but I knew it would be difficult to hold any boundaries with her- so distance was one that helped. I still was involved with her care management but from a distance. I know she was angry and dissapointed that I didn't agree to the move, but she was very persistent when she wanted something and it was hard for me to hold on to a boundary with her.

What I see here are two situations that could lead to a major reaction from your mother. One is to not let her move in- which may be hard to do since she's on the lease and plans are made- and the other- if she does move in, how to enforce that it's temporary.

[wantmorepeace]

This sentence caught my attention: "I want more than anything to grow my capacity to be a source of lightness and humor instead of a source of anger and frustration when she is around."  The reason it caught my attention is because I have realized that I have put too much pressure on myself to be regulated, expert, and effective in dealing with my uBPD family member. It's really hard!!  And the truth is we deserve compassion and we have the right to protect ourselves.  Sending you all best.

[wantmorepeace]

Also want to add...This doesn't mean we shouldn't try to use our BPD skills.  We should.  But at the end of the day, their behavior is offensive and intrusive and triggering and we are human and should have human-size expectations of ourselves.

[CC43]

I don't know what to advise really but to say, prepare yourself.  If you think she's going to save money by living with you, don't be surprised if she doesn't save a penny.  You see, she is threatened with eviction now because she chooses to spend her money on wants, not needs.  Why would she change her colors now?  If anything, you will probably be enabling her to spend even more money on her wants.  With BPD in the mix, I predict she might RESENT you for helping her and making her feel dependent.  It defies logic, but it's a commonplace reaction.  She might end up being a terrible houseguest, goading you incessantly and then guilting you by saying, you don't want her around, you want to throw her out!  In fact, I can imagine her planning to do this.  If you're prepared mentally for this treatment, maybe you won't feel surprised when it happens.

Though she's an adult, if she has untreated BPD, she may be incapable of saving up for a new place, let alone finding a new one herself.  If she manages to search for a new place herself, she'll probably find all sorts of reasons why it wouldn't be suitable.  If she has fears of abandonment, she might desperately fear living on her own.  So, though she complains about your house and how horribly you treat her, it's preferable to moving out and living on her own . . .

I guess my advice is, prepare yourself for having to find her a new place on your own, as well as to move her out yourself, and the earlier you get started on that, the better!  In addition, don't let her take over your house--you need your own private space, preferably with a door, so that you can unwind from the stress your mom will surely cause.  I'd say she shouldn't take over your kids' rooms, either, because taking over a kid's room feels like a permanent solution.  Besides, the kids need their sleep and nap times, and a place to play.  Would a guest take over your kids' rooms?  If not, don't let your mom do that, either.  You can be nice without making her feel too comfortable.  Your mantra might be, this is your house, and your mom is a temporary guest.  She is not part of your household unless she pays her fair share of rent/expenses and does her fair share of the chores.  Since it sounds like she can't do any of that despite her adult status, she's NOT part of your household.

I guess I'm not the best one to advise here, as my BPD stepdaughter has gradually, partially moved into my house after a stretch of unemployment for several months.  Though she has her own place right now, her lease is coming to a close, and she likes to come for the free meals and time in front of the TV.  Though she's behaving reasonably well (save for her lack of help with chores), I can't help but feel used, because it feels like she's avoiding employment and on "vacation" while making me pay extra for her food,  utilities, picking up after her, etc.  She's a grown woman who has taken an awfully long time to launch.  I really fear that she'll move in permanently, and that her behavior will spiral downward into the usual depressing, passive-aggressive, aggrieved, victimized, seething state, and there will be no way to kick her out.  We were in that situation a few years ago and had to kick her out into a residential treatment program.  I can't image doing that again, as the only alternative might be a halfway house . . .  I'm just crossing my fingers that she'll be so bored and uncomfortable by living with me that she'll eventually get a job and leave on her own.

I totally get the feelings of anger and frustration, and wanting not to be constantly on edge or walking on eggshells in one's own home.  But living with someone with BPD does that.  It's almost like I have PTSD, and just seeing her sends me back to the abusive days, even if she's not directly abusive now; she's just indirectly abusive by using me.  I would impose stricter boundaries, but if I try to enforce them, then my husband turns against me . . . Even just now, I invited my brother to come stay with me for the weekend, and the first thing he asks is whether the BPD stepdaughter will be here, because he doesn't want to visit when she's around.  So yeah, I know what it's like to experience that intrusion in your home, which is supposed to be a sanctuary.  In sum, I think you should make the temporary arrangement as short as possible, because your mom has little incentive to solve her own problems.  In fact, you might be rewarding her for financial irresponsibility, because YOU are the one facing the consequences, not her.  I know, you feel stuck, just like I do.

[MissCreature]

Wow I feel so seen! This is great stuff guys! Thank you for responding, all of you. I will reply more when I have time. Just wanted to add that I have been down this road before with her. And I succeeded in getting her out. She was just such a nuisance to live with for even that short time.. This time my husband is much more informed about the dynamics.'mmmmjto get money out and get the cashiers check for her rent. So I uI feel confident I can collect the money each month. She’s actually oretty dependent, the only thing that has made her more amenable to Hittite RT turu

[GaGrl]

You might want to check on your area's senior housing programs. Our county has apartments that rent on a sliding scale according to income and are available to seniors 60 and over.

[zachira]

You are in a really tough place with your mother, and it seems no matter what you do, she will continue to behave badly. What kind of relationships does your mother have with your children? You might want to consult with a lawyer and find out if it is possible to make your mother move out, when you let her move in? It really can be painful to see how our disordered family members make such bad decisions, and there is no way we can really help except set boundaries to protect ourselves and our children And hope in the end, that things go better than they would have without the necessary safe guards.