Silent Treatment and Rages Recycle

[Abbyann406]

Hello, I'm new here and grateful to have found this space. I’m an 80-year-old mother, healthy and living independently, but I’ve been deeply impacted by my adult daughter’s ongoing pattern of silent treatment and rages.

Over the years, the cycle has become painfully familiar. When I visit her in Atlanta, things sometimes escalate emotionally to the point where I quietly remove myself—booking a hotel and changing my return flight to protect my well-being.

During silent treatments, I used to apologize—even when I wasn’t sure what I’d done—just to restore peace. But recently, I’ve stopped doing that. Not out of pride, but because I realized it was only deepening the cycle and compromising my own clarity and peace of mind.

I’m reaching out because I need support, guidance, and community. It's not easy being in this kind of relationship—especially when love and pain live so close together. I’d be grateful to hear how others cope, especially parents who have had to make painful adjustments to protect themselves emotionally.

Thank you for listening. I’m here to learn, and I appreciate any encouragement or shared wisdom.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

I had this experience in the other direction with an elderly BPD mother. I also had to have boundaries- like staying in a hotel, visiting with other people around,  to hopefully avoid emotional escalations.

I think there's grief involved with these types of relationships. While there can be conflict in mother-daughter relationships, there's a closeness too, and we wish for it. Seeing my friends' relationships with their mothers- I wanted that too, and surely you do as well.

There may be ways to visit in ways that may be less of a stressor for both of you. It helped if there was some kind of mutual activity, rather than just being in the house without something to do.

The reason for my decision to stay in a hotel when visiting wasn't only about my own emotional protection. Even if a guest is welcome- I found that any visitor was stressful for BPD mother in a way. She was more comfortable having her own privacy in her home. Staying with her was a change in her routine. If she was stressed, she'd be more likely to disregulate. If I was staying with her, I was more guarded, and she could sense that. It may be that your daughter does want to see you, but she also manages her emotions better when she doesn't have another person in her home. She may not realize that herself.

You may think you are helping as a mother, but your D may be particular about her space and her belongings. BPD mother didn't like anyone to touch her belongings. Even cooking in her kitchen distressed her. Doing things like making coffee was ok but using pots, pans, or dishes stressed her. So I ordered out a lot. Her stress and need to control was excessive but it was her kitchen to control.

One thing I did see when being involved with my BPD mother is that she could make decisions that were not in her best interest. I would recommend that you don't put your well being in the hands of a disordered person- don't designate your daughter as POA or give her access to your finances. Also don't compromise your own needs or your finances for her. You can take care of yourself.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Untreated BPD tends to affect the closest relationships most, and I think there's no relationship that's closer than the mother-daughter one.

The cycle of rages and silent treatments is very familiar to me.  In fact, it follows a predictable pattern.  In essence, I think your daughter feels traumatized all the time, and she's exhibiting a trauma-like, fight or flight response.  The misguided rage is the fight response, and the silent treatment is the flight response.

I'm not sure which was worse in my BPD stepdaughter.  When she was raging, she was lashing out at other people and destroying relationships.  But when she retreated in shame and silence, she was isolating and turning her rage inward, on herself.  That would lead to a deep depression which typically morphed into a suicide attempt.  Fortunately, she has received intensive treatment for BPD, and ever since she has resisted lashing out in rages, for the most part.  Suicide threats have been taken off the table.  However, she still tends to isolate and retreat from life and its stresses, which prevents her from really living her best life.  Whenever she is in a avoidance mode, it's a sure sign that she's not doing well.  In time we'll learn exactly why.

When your daughter is giving you the silent treatment, I'd view it like an adult time out.  She needs time and space to calm down.  I'd advise, don't interrupt it.  If you "beg" her to re-engage with you, you are basically telling her that her silent treatment is working, and moreover you're acting like you're "guilty" of whatever transgression she's accusing you of.  I'd say, don't apologize for things you didn't do, and wait for her to reach out to you first.  If she's rude, don't dignify her outreach with a response.  If she sends mean texts, delete them like spam, because they are spam.  Only engage when she's being civil.  That way, you're teaching her the proper way to engage, even if she is a very slow learner.  If you pretend like her mean texts didn't get a rise out of you, she can pretend like she never sent them in the first place.  That's not such a bad outcome in my opinion.  You're unlikely to get an apology, because she'll still think you're the cause of all her problems, and maybe even that you deserve to be punished for them.  But it's possible she can cling to this belief while at the same time learn to communicate with you better.

As for in-person visits, they can be stressful, especially around the holidays, and as we know, stress tends to trigger people with BPD.  Even just seeing other people happy can trigger a pwBPD, because they are reminded of how unhappy they are feeling.  My general advice on visits is to keep them short, stay at a hotel so as not to encroach too much on her time and space, and have an ability to exit quickly if things turn sour.  Again, your daughter might need an adult time out when she's triggered.

Most of all, know that you did not cause your daughter's suffering, no matter how much she accuses you of it.  Her perception of the past is very distorted by BPD thinking patterns.  For her, feelings become facts.  When she's riled up, there's no arguing with her, because the logical part of her brain is hijacked by intense emotions.  That's why I think she needs a time out until she calms down.  In the meantime, you take solace because you're a good mom, and you're trying to maintain a relationship with your daughter, no matter how erratic she is.  But you have your boundaries, and when she's being abusive, you protect yourself, because you deserve better, and you're teaching her how to treat you.  Make sense?  I know it's rough, because you want a better relationship, and you want your daughter to be happy, too.

[In4thewin]

CC43.... You always give such solid advice and heartfelt explanations. It's always a comfort reading what you write on here. May ask what you meant by "In time we'll know"?

[In4thewin]

CC43..... I meant to quote "In time we'll learn exactly why". Couldn't figure out how to edit my post.

[CC43]

Hi Win,

I was referring to the times my BPD stepdaughter will retreat in avoidance and cut off communications.  When she does that, it's a sure sign that something isn't going well in her life.  Her dad and I might not know exactly what's wrong at that time.  But what we do know is that the longer she's avoiding communications, the worse she probably is.  Over time, we generally find out what is going on, because eventually she'll resume communication because she wants something from us (money, housing, logistical support, a co-signer, etc.).  Sometimes we have a pretty good idea about what could be happening, as it will be related to school, her rooming situation, job situation or vacation period, for example.  I'd say that in time we'll find out what was bothering her, as she'll tell us her version of events, or we'll hear from her therapist.  Her therapist will reach out to her dad when she seems to be in distress or at risk of disassociation/delusions.  They'll compare notes and try to come up with a course of action together.  Sometimes we'll learn about a breakdown from a family member who contacts us out of concern.  Remember, BPD tends to affect the closest relationships most.  And sometimes, we'll figure things out because we're still supporting her financially.  Looking at her spending patters can easily reveal that something is amiss, because she's spending at times or in locations when she's supposed to be in school or at work.

Granted, my stepdaughter's version of events and explanations of breakdowns can be highly distorted.  I've learned to read between the lines, and to take all her statements with a grain of salt.  Oftentimes she'll use deflection and blame-shifting as distractions.  Many breakdowns seem to happen, either because she didn't get what she wanted right away, or because she quit something (school, a job, a relationship).  She has a tendency to hold unrealistic expectations, and so she's frequently dissatisfied.  She also tends to catastrophize, thinking that such-and-such outcome is the end of the world, and being the end of the world, she quickly gives up and spirals downward.  She has BPD, so her thinking is driven more by emotions than logic when she's riled up.  Oftentimes, it seems she needs us to help her put things in perspective, and reassure her that it's normal to encounter hiccups sometimes, that's life, you learn, move on and try again, it's not the end of the world, and certainly not the end of her life.  Oftentimes she needs us to help her get her priorities straight, bolster her confidence and frankly, guide her through the administrative tasks of growing up.  It's almost as if she thinks she's an adult, she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants, but she forgets that there are responsibilities, obligations and a lot of work that come along with that freedom.

I guess my big concerns for her right now are (i) her difficulties in focusing on needs, not wants, (ii) her very thin skin, and (iii) unrealistic expectations sometimes verging on delusions.  I think her life is too unstructured at the moment, as she is unemployed.  If she were to find a job, I worry that any comment by a supervisor would be viewed by her as a criticism, not coaching, and that she'll quit or get fired right away.  That seems to be the pattern, but right now she is too far into adulthood to sit idly by and live like she's on permanent school vacation.  She needs to carve out an adult's life for herself.  Otherwise, she might be stuck in this limbo, childish, dependent state and may never get out of it.  She likes that even less than we do.  I guess that in time, we'll know what happens =)