What to do?

[Pysen]

 
Seriously. I finally managed to break up with my BPD-person in June, after trying so many times. The emotional turmoil has been too much. And after discovering she was using weed as self medication, I had to draw the line. There was addiction problems in my family, so I just can't deal with that. I have been working on myself all summer, trying to regain my strenght and find myself again. It has been going pretty well. But somewhere, I have had the hope that things can get fixed. That she will understand and make necessary changes for us to be together. Just like the way I am working on myself. We were both agreeing we can't be together until some internal work has been done.

So this is my problem. Now we have started to interact more again, making that hope even stronger. We have had difficult conversations, that hasn't caused as much conflict as before. I want to trust her, and i'm working on that. We talked about if the other has been with somebody else during this time. For me that wasn't an option, but I had my suspicion that she would have. She told me she had met new friends, which is really good because she doesn't have many close relationships. And when i asked how she had met one of them she got really defensive and said "through an app or out or something. I don't remember." And she got upset and turned it towards me instead, and accusing me of acting jelous. I was seriously just curious and just happy for her meeting friends. When we talked more about this later, I asked her straight out if she had used dating apps, she confessed, yes. I assured her that i don't judge her for it, we were not together. She told me that's how she met her new friends, she was just looking for connection and nothing else happened. I want to believe her, but I don't want to be naive. She is very sexual, and has a history of jumping from one relationship to another. I am also scared of diseases. I asked several times, but she said the same thing. If we are getting back together, I want our relationship to be build on trust, honesty and openess.What should I do? Approach the topic again and worry about the consequences for doing that? And how to approach it? Just leave it and choose to believe her, and swallow my doubts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

What should I do? Approach the topic again and worry about the consequences for doing that? And how to approach it? Just leave it and choose to believe her, and swallow my doubts?

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're struggling at the moment but it sounds like you've had a good approach so far.

In terms of your specific question, it's very tough to answer.  What's your gut telling you?

In general, BPDs don't like to be pushed when they don't want to talk about a subject.  Maybe something happened, maybe not.  That's not the real question here.  Instead, it's whether or not you actually trust her.  And I know that's really complicated.

If she was with another partner, could you still take her back?  If not, then pushing for an answer is senseless.  And if she told you that she had fooled around, would you believe her and drop this?  Or would you feel like you needed more answers still? 

It's all something to think about since it determines the path you should take.

[Pysen]

Thank you! I would drop it if she admitted to it, and let it be a part of the past. The core issue is the trust. To reverse the breakup, it needs to be there, because it was the main issue between us. But that is hard to build on if there's no honesty. There has been incidents all through all relationship that has made me question her faithfulness to me. And immediately going on dating apps after me breaking up says a lot. i don't buy that it is to make friends, then you don't go on dates, there's other ways. I have always been a really trusting person, believing in what is said to me. And maybe that is part of my problem. But now I don't want to be used or played anymore. I want a relationship based on trust.