Issues with ex-wifes new partner

[CravingPeace]

Hi All,
So my high conflict divorce was finalized in May. I've posted previously about the dramas /TPOs /False allegations I had to fight over a year.

In the end I settled on just under 50:50 custody until my youngest is school age then it goes to default 50:50 as I did not want to drag the divorce any longer and do custody evaluations.

In June , one month after divorce my ex started spending time with an old school friend from out of state she had not seen since she was 15 and did not mention him in our 17 year relationship (he lives other side of the country). He overnighted in the marital home she still lives in with the kids in our state. I flagged there should have been a sex offenders lookup as per decree. She denied it was romantic.

A month later after they went on vacation together she has told the kids he will be marrying her in the future and will be their new step dad. They will be uncles. They are 6 and 8. This is just over 2 months since we divorced.

Sunday she said could I keep the kids two extra nights as she had to fly to be in hospital with him for an emergency in his state. I declined it was the kids first day of school and I flagged she needed to be here and to put them first. I was shocked she would put a new partner over her children at such an important time. She was most angry accused me of lacking any decency for such a medical emergency (for a guy I have never met, and she has been dating a short while). He flew in (5 hours flight) same day! Some medical emergency that was then!

He drove the kids to school with her for their first day, I met them at school I was in the building looking for them as they were late they had been dropped at the gate. I helped them find their new classrooms as I recognized it would be a nervous day for them.

Now onto some of my concerns and what to do:

-He showed them how to do a choke hold, my son told me with glee he knows how to kill someone ( I audio recorded this). I told him never to do it again it was very dangerous and he could get expelled. I flagged it to my ex in Our Family Wizard, she told me it was for self defense something I had failed to help them with as a father and just dismissed it while belittling me.
-He shared a story where he pulled a machine gun out on someone in a road rage incidence with the kids. They thought it was cool. I did not see it that way. She said he was telling someone else in the car and they listened in.
-Him overnighting with my kids first time 1 month into a relationship and now for the first week of a new school year.
-Her telling the kids he will be their step dad so early.
-He has been buying expensive gifts for them. Not a problem on its own, but I am concerned he is trying to buy favor.

The guardian cannot help as no longer on the case. I flagged this to her attorney, who's said she wasn't permitted to help and withdrew from the case. I spoke to CPS anonymously to ask if this was actionable they said they couldn't advise without a case report.
 
I don't want to escalate and appear like a jealous ex as I am not, I filed for a reason and happy if she moves on and leave me in peace. She is clearly in the overvaluation and love bombing cycle, not sure what he has going on. But I am really concerned about the violence and confusion for the kids and general instability.

Any advice on how to play this?

Craving Peace

[ForeverDad]

You can decide whether this applies or not in your case, but a general policy for most of us is that - in most cases - we are ready to step up for more parenting time.

If you track and document those requests, it may turn out that you're doing significantly more parenting, timewise.  Some major measures used by officialdom counts the overnights more than the hours.  Last I checked tax and other forms often determine "residency" for the kids based on who has majority overnights.

Years ago when I had gained full custody as the primary parent - court felt it had to give each parent a win - we still had equal time so she could have her child support payments.  But the state tracking system listed me as the non-primary parent.  It had no option to select whether primary or not since I was paying child support.  I realize my case was exceptional but that assumption hurt.

[CravingPeace]

Our decree lists us as equal legal and equal physical. It was a redline for me in mediation to have her as primary, it was argued about for nearly an hour. In our state child support calc it also does not calculate a primary, it just says who is paying. Still not clear on exactly what to do. We do have an expert master listed in the decree but neither of us could afford yet another retainer so waiting on the marital house sale

[PeteWitsend]

...

Sunday she said could I keep the kids two extra nights as she had to fly to be in hospital with him for an emergency in his state. I declined it was the kids first day of school and I flagged she needed to be here and to put them first. I was shocked she would put a new partner over her children at such an important time. She was most angry accused me of lacking any decency for such a medical emergency (for a guy I have never met, and she has been dating a short while). He flew in (5 hours flight) same day! Some medical emergency that was then!
...

This is tough because you want to maintain your space, follow the rules and expect her to do the same, but you need to change your mindset here and consider your kids' needs first. 

I'm not saying they always trump your needs, but don't allow resentment of your ex's actions to blind you to an opportunity to be there for them.  And remember, they're watching all this and forming judgments of their own as to which parent they can trust and rely on. 

I agree with ForeverDad that you should be documenting the extra time you're spending and if it comes to a need to legally change the divorce decree & settlement to reflect reality, this will be to your benefit. 

 

...I don't want to escalate and appear like a jealous ex as I am not, I filed for a reason and happy if she moves on and leave me in peace. She is clearly in the overvaluation and love bombing cycle, not sure what he has going on. But I am really concerned about the violence and confusion for the kids and general instability.

Any advice on how to play this?

Craving Peace

Don't worry about appearing like a jealous ex; if your ex is a pwBPD, rest assured she will badmouth you to just about everyone regardless of whether you're being fair and kind or not.  If your kids are concerned or threatened and you don't do anything, you'll regret it forever. 

That being said, this guy sounds like an idiot, and is trying to impress them with his macho act nonsense.  And your ex is way out of line for introducing him to the kids so early and saying all this nonsense. 

Did you have a background check of him done?  If not, call a PI and get one. 

If he's clean in terms of actionable items (i.e. he hasn't committed child abuse or sexual offenses), there's probably not much you can do right now, other than be patient and see what happens. 

I say this based on the fact that it sounds like all this is just talk.  If something gets worse, then maybe you do call CPS. 

[CravingPeace]

Thanks for this, the reasons I said no I would not help her were two fold:
1.) It was 8pm on a Sunday night I was getting them to bed and I had work the next day (they were not back to school yet). I had been off work the past few days work days with them for the holidays so was very tricky.
2.) Tuesday was the first day back to school. As much as I can't stand her she is their mother, and I didn't want her ditching them, that would have hurt them.

I made it clear if she was going to go anyway I would definitely take them to avoid her leaving them with friends.

Anyway I got it right I think by flagging she was not putting their best interests first, it stopped her going, but then the guy flew here!

I always thought through everything she would put them first. But today she dropped them at school on their first day late and drove off. She didn't go in with them to find their new teachers and classrooms. Luckily I was there waiting I had their classroom numbers and teachers. Imagine being a 6 or 8 year old knowing you are late on your first day and your parent doesn't even bother helping you in.

She never would have done this before , shows how quick when they have a new partner the love bombing and bad patterns set in.

[ForeverDad]

Do you know where you stand (legally and practically as a parent) should she try to relocate with the guy?  She may assume she can just pick up and take the kids with her, without considering the impact on the custody/parenting aspects of the court order.

She may feel entitled to do as she wishes since she is "the Mother".  However, you as "the Father" will have the kids' interests in mind.  Stability for the children is a positive on your side.  (I'm not talking about the location, I'm talking about your more normal ability as parent.)  If push comes to shove, you would do well to step up to be the primary parent.

In other words, if she chooses to put herself first and decides to move away with her new love... Let her go and you focus on being an even more involved parent.

[CravingPeace]

Thanks FD.

As always sage thoughts.

A female friend who has been through a pretty bad divorce advised me to do nothing but note and log it. She believes my ex would also move away without them. I still find that hard to believe to her being a mom is what she is. She struggles to see how dysfunctional she is and that she is a pathologic Lier. My kids have started to pick up on it. "Daddy mummy said this but it doesn't make sense, is she lying?" One issue is my oldest is saying when he is older he would like to live there as can fish more. Obviously some ideas being planted.

Decree is clear on school they must attend and high school. I would find it hard to believe a Judge would let her take them out of these schools, from their friends and life across the country just because she has a new boyfriend.  We have lived in this state for the kids entire lives, their sports teams are here etc.

[PeteWitsend]

Thanks FD.

As always sage thoughts.

A female friend who has been through a pretty bad divorce advised me to do nothing but note and log it. She believes my ex would also move away without them. I still find that hard to believe to her being a mom is what she is. She struggles to see how dysfunctional she is and that she is a pathologic Lier. My kids have started to pick up on it. "Daddy mummy said this but it doesn't make sense, is she lying?" One issue is my oldest is saying when he is older he would like to live there as can fish more. Obviously some ideas being planted.

Decree is clear on school they must attend and high school. I would find it hard to believe a Judge would let her take them out of these schools, from their friends and life across the country just because she has a new boyfriend.  We have lived in this state for the kids entire lives, their sports teams are here etc.

The advice I was given, when kids as for guidance because the BPD parent is filling their heads with nonsense that even they can see through is to ask them what they think and why.  And let them know they can have a different opinion than mom and it's fine.  You want them to learn to think for themselves and stand up for themselves. 

That being said, sometimes you absolutely have to call out complete falsehoods. 

As far as her moving away goes, if you get any inkling that anything like that is happening my advice is to ACT IMMEDIATELY.  She may not be legally allowed to, but you never know what could happen in court, and you're in a better position filing to stop something from happening than you are filing to force a change in circumstances after it's happened, or after she could argue something like you had constructive knowledge they were moving and didn't do anything.  And along these lines, if she asked for you to consent to the kids moving for a limited time, do not agree to it. 

[CravingPeace]

Thanks PW.

I am still in two minds what to do. My middle son has told me he thinks the guy is weird as he keeps kissing mommy. He asked his Mom to stop as it is making him feel weird too and he doesn't like it. He then said why does she lie, she said she would stop but didn't. I just said I don't know son, I am sorry it is hard, but I am here for you. I didn't know what else to say.

We do have a clause in the decree saying no overnights while the kids are present for a romantic partner until in a committed relationship. Seeing last month she denied it was romantic, now they have vacationed together, and I have her in writting trying to fly out of state to be with him in hospital and miss the kids first day of school Id suggest a judge would not find that credible:

"The parties will not have significant others or romantic
partners stay over when the children are present unless the party is in
a committed relationship. Any significant other or romantic partner will
be checked against the national sex offender registry before
introducing them to the children."

I have tried to contact her and tell her the kids are upset, please reconsider what you are doing. This isn't right. But she is non responsive. I have offered to have them extra days so she can date him out of their presence etc.

Now I am stuck. I could go to court and file for her to be found in contempt and for the commissioner to act blocking this as the decree says.

I can't weigh up how serious this is. I need to balance the serious escalation that could end up tit for tat court hearings for years vs the children's well being.

I just don't know what to do

[ForeverDad]

It's tough.  On the one hand you needed that clause in case it became necessary to address serious issues.  On the other hand, would the court enforce it - and how could it enforce it?

I know my court ignored a lot of my ex's antics.  What actually rises to the level of being "actionable" regarding the terms of the divorce settlement?  What does your lawyer say?

A female friend who has been through a pretty bad divorce advised me to do nothing but note and log it. She believes my ex would also move away without them. I still find that hard to believe to her being a mom is what she is...

If, if she does move away without the kids, let her, do not oppose it.  Basic perspective is that she can choose her own life going forward, after all is said and done, she is no longer married to you.  It is only where the kids are impacted that you step up to defend the kids and your parenting.

If she really should move away, she still might want some holidays and vacations with them.

[CravingPeace]

Thanks its more if she tries to take them with her. But I guess that would be a court hearing required.

[PeteWitsend]

...

If she really should move away, she still might want some holidays and vacations with them.

In my state, the standard language possession provision has alternate provisions if the parents reside within 100 miles our outside of that.  I think if you're outside of that, and you're the non-custodial parent, you lose visitation on school nights (which makes sense), but you can still come get your kids on your weekends and holidays and extended summer possession.  Basically you wouldn't lose custody rights except in instances where it would affect the children's school schedule. 

It doesn't make a distinction beyond that 100 mile boundary, but I think practically speaking if the non-custodial parent moved far away, unless they had a private jet or were extremely wealthy, it would be impossible for them to see their kids as often as allowed.