Asking question to girlfriend with BPD

[Beren2016]

Hi all

a problem that has come up recently is to do with asking question to my girlfriend with BPD. i ask her questions a lot at time because how she feels is important and sometimes i need to know what the best thing for me to do is or what she needs.

for example:-
(i go to my friends house 3 nights a week for a u few hours)

i phoned my GF at 2:00pm while i'm at work,  she is asleep as she hasn't been sleeping very well, i ask her if she wants me to come up at 4:00pm when i finish before i go to my friends.

i ask questions because i want to know what she would like and what she needs, in case of crisis, loneliness or needs more sleep etc. she always replies " do what you want" which doesn't help me help her as i honestly want an answer and i will do whatever she answers

she seems to take the questions in this way.

either there is a right or wrong answer to my question

or
 
that if i wanted to do it and would just do it. and to see what i choose/want as, to her, it should be obvious and if i am asking i don't want to see her and have chosen my friend over her.

obviously  i am not making this black and white choice nor am i trying to get out of seeing her, i honestly want to know an answer so that i know what i am doing that night so my question is...

how can i communicate "what would do you want" questions to her in a way that she wont see rejection, think i have made my choice in advance or worry about making upsetting me with a wrong answer?


this my seem like a general relationship issue but with BPD in the mix this is a scary situation for my girlfriend and the emotions involve are intense and i would like to find the best way to  the situation with the least emotion turmoil for her.

sorry for the long post.
thank you all

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[JoeBPD81]

I had huge fights over this, I ask her what she wants, and it is taken in the most bizarre way. I never got an answer.

You should avoid that question, or find out a way to ask her. You should just tell her what you want. If it isn't what she wants, she'll probably tell you.

She will always asume you would prefer to see your friends. They have a hard time believing we want to spend time with them.

Whatever you do, don't push the question again and again, and don't explain your good intentions. If she's not giving you the information with your 1st try, she wont. So take some distance, and think about what you want. I shiver just thinking about it. It used to make me crazy. My best intentions turned into betrayal for her. And she remembers each of those situations like that.

It doesn't feel that way, but it must be wrong to be so accommodating. You should know what you want if you ask her to know what she wants.

Good luck, my friend.

[isilme]

"What do you want?" is a hard question for ME to answer.  I grew up so co-dependent, I felt that my wants had to coincide with someone else's.  This, of course, is part of how I ended up in a 20 years r/s with a pwBPD - we are sides of the same disordered coin. 

H wants me to choose him without him having to state it.  And like JoeBPD81 stated, they have a hard time believing we'd want to be with them.  They can hate themselves so much, they believe everyone feels as they do.

Don't ask the question.  You put her on the spot of telling you what she thinks you should already know.  You know in a crisis when wants you there.  You know if she is lonely, she wants you there.  And you know her default is probably somewhere between crisis and lonely.

Instead, say, "when I get out at 4pm will you be awake/ready for me to come over?"  This states that you are coming over, and want her awake or ready, and gives her the chance to say, "no, I'll be at the store/in the shower/or whatever." or for her to say, "yes, I'll be waiting."

Executive control is not strong in people with BPD.  This includes decision making.  H can get mad at me for asking him what he wants for dinner.  The reason I ask is that HE is the picky eater.  I am not.  I will find food to eat no matter what, he may be repulsed by things for no foreseeable reason.  When he gets mad "you never tell me what YOU want" I have to state, "I am not the one who has to have a taste for something most nights.  When I don't want to eat somewhere, I've stated it, when I really do, I've stated it".  But asking you GF to tell you she wants you with her violates the "I hate you don't leave me" dynamic.  Yes and no answers are hard to get, preferences and decisions are hard to get.

You need to let yourself be comfortable making your decision about going to see her or not, based on your wants and understanding of her BPD.  She really CAN'T tell you what she wants a lot fo the time - her shame and fear of abandonment won't let her.