Adult daughter has ? Developed BPD after heavy use of weed

[Eninaj]

Hello!
Grateful to have found you all.
My adult daughter of 48 seems to have developed BPD after using weed daily for at least 10 years

After loving and adoring me and being my best friend for 40 years I am now ignored and disliked.
Very hard to cope with this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

I assume then, during the time she was using weed, she was nice and loving? Did she stop using it and then change?

For a while, I assumed the issue with my BPD mother was alcohol. If she only stopped drinking, went to AA, that would be a solution- right?

No, the alcohol for her was a form of self medication for the emotional issues caused by her BPD. When she was drinking, she tended to rage. Then, after I left home, she seemed to have stopped drinking and raging. I was happy about this. I thought things were going to be normal.

Until several years later when I was visiting my parents,  I discovered that she'd changed out using alcohol for prescription medicine- which at the time was not being well regulated. Instead of an alcohol problem, she had a drug problem. Her doctor eventually sent her to drug rehab and she got off everything.

Off everything ,BPD mother was extremely nervous, anxious, and miserable. It was a very emotionally painful experience for her. I then realized that this wasn't due to any substances, but it was her BPD, and she was unbearably miserable without them. So a psychiatrist started her back on some of them.

I don't know if weed caused your D to have BPD. It is possible that she used the weed because of her BPD and she was self medicating. Without the weed, she may be feeling the BPD emotions more.

There's no specific medicine for BPD but anti anxiety and anti depressant medicines can help with the feelings. If weed is legal and it helps her- that may be an option for her too.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I echo Notwendy's response regarding use of substances to self-medicate.  I have an adult stepdaughter with BPD, and it would be easy for me to think that daily pot use led to her BPD behaviors.  But I think she was self-medicating, and that her daily pot use generally made her BPD behaviors worse, in that (a) she lost almost all motivation to engage in typical adult activities (studying, working, socializing, eating right, exercising, sleeping at night), which meant that her lifestyle became increasingly dysfunctional, harming her already abysmal self-esteem, and (b) she became increasingly paranoid and delusional, with temporary bouts of psychosis.  I'd add that she became increasingly scatterbrained, which impaired her executive function, even for things she actually wanted to do.  It was very scary to witness all this.  Living it must have been horrendous.

I think that my BPD stepdaughter is wired to be very emotionally sensitive and reactive, which are traits that were apparent since early childhood.  As an adolescent, she was a bit of a drama queen, but I wouldn't have characterized her as dysfunctional, just very immature and prone to emotional outbursts.  Yet it was in early adulthood when she completely fell apart.  I've posted elsewhere on this site my theories as to why this might have happened.  In my opinion, to thrive as an adult, people really need to have emotional control and problem-solving capabilities, but pwBPD often struggle with these critical life skills.  As they bump up against the real adult world, they tend to fall apart, in an emotional mess.  They lack resilience.  Their thinking is so emotional and negative that the logical part of the brain is hijacked.  Their self-talk is exceedingly negative.  They can ruminate endlessly, lose sleep and feel so anxious that they retreat in avoidance, to their own detriment, as they skip classes, workdays or social events that they should want to attend.  If they do muster up the strength to attend, they are at risk of experiencing a meltdown, which would be even worse.

I think that by being emotionally sensitive, pwBPD basically live life feeling traumatized all the time.  That means they have a fight-or-flight reaction to ordinary situations.  Does your daughter lash out at you, at the slightest "provocation," and then sometimes retreat in avoidance, cutting off all communication with you for a long time?  I see those responses as a classic trauma-based, fight or flight responses.  The thing is that the "trauma" can be adult life itself.  She doesn't have to experience any abuse (at least in the conventional sense) for her to FEEL abused.  Does your daughter say that you were a terrible parent, that the entire family traumatized and abused her?  Does she dredge up ancient grievances from childhood and twist events to make herself out to be a victim?  Does she also claim that she was bullied in school?  Does she claim that her roommates are narcissistic, rude and immature?  Does she say her boss and/or co-workers are hostile, demeaning and unfair?  How about any romantic partners; did she accuse them of rape or physical violence?  Does she accuse others of stealing from her, trying to hurt her or trying to sabotage her?  In essence she feels victimized by almost everyone, and in response she'll fight or flee, blaming them for her problems while also destroying the relationship.  Sound familiar?  That's BPD.  Maybe substance abuse will make things worse, but even without the use of substances, the pattern of fractured relationships and emotional outbursts/manipulation/blaming are hallmarks of BPD.

In addition to being extremely sensitive, she's also very negative in her outlook.  She tends to interpret ordinary things as insulting, demeaning, unfair, humiliating, cruel, and/or abusive.  She over-dramatizes everything, sees only black-and-white, and takes everything too personally.  She'll say things like, her life is over, it's hopeless, she can't take it anymore.  Instead of excitement, she feels anxiety.  Instead of constructive criticism, she sees personal insults.  When she sees other people are happy, she's reminded that she feels miserable.  In addition, she plays the victim, blaming anyone else but herself for all her own decisions.  It's no wonder she's feeling miserable, and that she would resort to substances to numb the pain.  Does that make sense?

[Notwendy]

To add, my BPD mother never tried weed. With alcohol, she would rage but with the prescription medicines (she over used them) she was actually happy on them, but she also got addicted to them. When she was on them, she was feeling good but the withdrawals were awful.

I wondered if your D was nicer to you on weed, because it may have been a self medication that worked for her- and then you noticed issues if she stopped it.

It's much better if the person is able to accept they have BPD and get appropriate treatment but I think if not, self medication is what they do to attempt to manage their situation.