Am I being Selfish?

[athena wanderer]

My question today is this:  At what point am I being selfish in wanting to maintain my relationship with my pwBPD and not respecting their wishes versus being a consistent attentive partner who is riding the "I love you, I hate you" wave?  I am beginning to believe / be concerned that I have moved to a space where I'm working hard for my partner to avoid the loss on my end, not because that is what they really want.

My partner and I have been through several difficult break-ups.  The most recent came after what felt like 6 months of bliss.  If I am honest with myself, we were unable and continue to be unable to resolve his major concerns regarding my place of residence.  He wants me to live with him full-time, be married and not work.  Because I have a daughter that lives in another town who has an active father, I cannot move until she is 18 which is 4 years away.  At one point in time my pwBPD and I looked for a place together, however his property has not sold now in over 2 years completely eliminating this possibility for the time being.  I would have to buy our new place all on my own. With this limitation I have been traveling back and forth every other week to live with him as much as I can.  Sadly I always feel some disconnection at the end of the week (which I've assumed is an object constancy issue . . .. maybe its just a human issue and I'm the outlier in being able to tolerate it).

My question came to a head last night as my partner has been all over the place with his reach outs and desire for a connection. We have been planning a 1-2 week vacation over the last week, and late last night / early in the morning he messages and asked me if we are going to have fun on our trip, then shares he's having some "hard thoughts" after which he says he doesn't think he wants to go, he hates me, and doesn't want to spend a dime on me.  I confirm that he has taken a gummy and said we will talk tomorrow when he's not gummied up.  He say's "ok" but later messages: "I'm gonna pass" meaning he's not going to go on the trip.

So today I'm wondering if I've been overwhelming his desire to truly move on and if I should simply say: "I don't think I've done a good job of accepting your expressed desire to move on in light of the fact that I cannot move in with you immediately and end our weekly separation.  You've expressed resentment that you're unsure you can get over. You're right, we shouldn't be together.  I was really looking forward to spending time together enjoying this trip but understand that in not accepting the many times we've broken up, I am just prolonging our pain. I love you and wish you all the best"

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Pook075]

Interesting question- and the answer is probably more complicated than we give it credit for.

Bottom line, he wants to live together.  You can't move as a co-parent.  His house hasn't sold.  All three of those things are somewhat outside your control.

For his house- is it priced correctly?  Has he made any updates that would help it sell?  That's all ultimately on him and if there's things that need to be done (landscaping, renovating kitchen/bathrooms, whatever) then you should encourage it.

For your co-parent aspect, there's no negotiating there in my opinion...the kid comes first since they need a normal relationship with mom and dad.  Your partner has to understand and accept that.

Now for your actual question, are you being selfish?  Well, no.  There's three things outside your control that he wants to change.  Yet the only person who can change any of those variables is him.  Tell him to get a new real estate agent with suggestions on how to sell, then actually follow that advice.  That's in his control, not yours.

Should you send him the letter?  That's a "you-thing" and honestly, it doesn't have anything to do with these three challenges.  Either he's the right guy or he's not.  Only you can answer that.

[hiiumaa]

Hi athena wanderer,

with my partner with bpd I have been in a similar situation. When we first met, he lived in the next village. A few month later he moved about 50km away in a big city.

He knew from the beginning that I had ( at that time ) 10year old child.

I was the one who travelled the 50km two times a week to meet him. At the weekends I stayed over at his place and it was always painful for both of us when I had to leave in the morning.

After a while he also came up with moving together, marriage and having a child. But for me it was impossible. I knew that I wouldn‘t survive his acting outs without a save place for my 10year old and me.
I was honest about that with him. I told him, that I would love it, it he would move closer to my place, so that we live in the same city but not in the same house.

He made a big problem about that and kept telling me, that I would be the one who doesn’t want to commit, without seeing the responsibiltyI have for my child and without reflecting, that it was his bpd-behavior that made it impossible for me to be with him without a save place ( and I didn’t want my child so close to him and his act outs ).

In the end he moved back here. Five minutes with the car. Perfect for both of us.

And maybe it would have been THE soliution, if he wouldn‘t have triangulated with my best friend as soon as he was so close to my place.

Maybe this could be an option for you both, to live in the same city, but keep an own flat for you and your child. You can see him more often and more spontanous, but keep your place…

[Notwendy]

My question today is this:  At what point am I being selfish in wanting to maintain my relationship with my pwBPD and not respecting their wishes versus being a consistent attentive partner who is riding the "I love you, I hate you" wave?  I am beginning to believe / be concerned that I have moved to a space where I'm working hard for my partner to avoid the loss on my end, not because that is what they really want.

This is an insightful question. I think a clearer term is "self serving" as I think selfish has somewhat negative connotation. Having done 12 step work, we look at boundaries- which feelings are on our side of the fence- which are another person's. We can not control someone else's feelings but sometimes we manage them in order to avoid their reaction. That is self serving as it's our feelings we are trying to spare.

The other boundary is choice- each of you can choose the relationship or not. Even if you are thinking you are keeping your partner from choosing- he still can choose. So, if you decide to do the "break up work" for him, assuming it's what he wants- then you are stepping over the boundary. If he wants to end the relationship - that's his work to take action on.

Pook also brought up an important point. It's his task to sell his house. If he was motivated to sell it- he could do things to make the sale happen- lower the cost, change realtors, accept a lower offer. He hasn't done that and it isn't your task to do this for him. I think it's also an important observation.

He may say you are the one not commiting, or say he doesn't want the relationship but it's up to him to take action on his feelings if he means them.

[hiiumaa]

Notwendy, your words are to the point! Thank you for making it so clear.

[Notwendy]

Thank you. 12 step CODA ( and ACA in my situation) helped me to keep clear on boundaries. I think it's helpful, even if the pwBPD doesn't have alcohol addictions.

[athena wanderer]

Thank you everyone for your input, it was very insightful.

As matter of an update . . . I ended up traveling down to see him the following day, and he was elated to see me. Later that week we headed out on our vacation.

For the duration of the vacation, we had wonderful, enjoyable days together and quite frequent awful evenings where he split (typically after drinks with dinner).  On other evenings we had deep insightful conversations where I was able to see and engage with the deeper wounds he perceives in our relationship. During drive back he was mentioning further trips , how we would renovate the van, etc, but immediately upon arriving home his communication dropped off significantly to the point where I was uncertain he wanted to continue to hear from me.
I went down to his place on Saturday as previously determined and had an enjoyable night / day together.  Sadly, he decided to criticize not only my behavior while traversing a river and climbing up a water fall as "complaining" (I have a balance disorder of which he is well aware) to which I asked him why he did not lend a hand. This line of questioning led to him ask how I would ever achieve Everest base camp, which is one of my goals, because "no one is going to hold your hand the entire way" and telling me "come on you need to get your PLEASE READ together"  after which he state he would never go hiking with me since I need my hand held the entire time (absolutely not true, but I would appreciate a partner who lends a hand when I'm traversing slippery wet rocks in inappropriate footwear).  After such a rough week of travels, I finally had it.  What should have been a minor discussion once again turned into "why are we here wasting our time" and he start a rehashing all the ways I've disrespected him over the years, didn't have is back and have never been a "proper girlfriend." (which for him appears to mean I should defer to him always and never call him out when I find his behavior in appropriate) SO friends, I left.  I broke up with my pwBPD and drove away.  I feel surprisingly calm this evening.  I was so fed up with feeling like I could never be perfect enough.  My now Ex pwBPD continued to message me all the things that weren't working for him through the night last night, but I have not heard from him since I told him that my intention is that he "would sit with all these things and decide just how awful they are for yourself. You've given me a cogent list of everything that doesn't work for you, and I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of not being perfect enough, good enough, exactly what you need while I forgive, forget, and bury the hatchet of everything that has hurt me"

Today I have not heard from him.  I'm not certain if I ever will again, however, if the pattern holds, I will and now I must prepare my boundaries.  I wish everyone working through the "I love you, I hate you" cycle all the best.  Thanks to everyone for your help!

[Pook075]

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this because I know the pain and hurt.  At the same time though, I feel like you're making the best possible decision.  Abuse of any kind is not okay, and if he is unwilling to see it (much less try to make changes), then what does that leave?

At some point he will probably apologize (in his own way), and you'll eventually have to make a choice.  This break-up is a good thing though because it forces him to self-reflect on his narcissistic behavior.

As you said, now is the time to make healthy boundaries on what is acceptable.  Stand by them and don't relent.  Either he adjusts or he doesn't, and you'll have to make sure he knows that you're serious.  Don't let sweet talk and promises pull you back in- you're looking for actual change here.

And don't get me wrong- I'm rooting for him.  I genuinely hope he turns things around and finds some peace in this world.  He can do that with or without you though, and I'm glad you placed yourself first.

[hiiumaa]

Hi athena wanderer,

your story could be my story.

When I read through your text, I laughed - not because it is so funny - but because sometimes it‘s really incredibly similiar. Unbelievable similar.

My partner with bpd/npd broke up with me with every argument we had and always came back.

This time I was the one who broke up. Because I felt the same as you felt. At a point it‘s just so exhausting. And when he then chose to go out in the pub with my best friend instead of me, I felt so hurt! I tried to explain to him, how painful this behavior was for me - and he just didn’t reply anymore. He disappeared for four weeks, because I dared to tell him, that I felt hurt, that he spent his first evening after moving closer to my home with my best friend instead of me.

Now we are in contact via text sometimes, but it is very difficult.

I would be interested, if he comes back to you.

All the best for you, hiiumaa

[athena wanderer]

Thank you both for being so supportive!

Hiiumaa - are you and your pwBPD attempting to be friends or repair the relationship at this point?

[hiiumaa]

Hi athena,

honestly… I don’t know.

It’s a long complicated story. I‘ve posted a „short version“ of it at the „conflicted about continuing“ board, because for a while I was so exhausted, hurt and really felt disgust about his behavior, that I was sure, I can’t go back.

It’s not possible to have a talk with him about what happened.
He is back in therapy now, but still is not able to accept the bpd npd diagnose and keeps talking about depression. Everything would be fine if he had a job ( haha - no job is good enough for him ), everything would be fine, if he had a PROPER partner ( haha! The same as you experienced: „You have never been a proper partner.“ ), everything would be fine, if… the list is endless.

I miss him quite often, and at the same time I know, that his behavior will not change. And I‘m fighting with myself very often: Try again? Or not? I have tried a thousand times…

[ForeverDad]

There is a myth about Sisyphus who angered the mythical gods and he was tasked with rolling a huge boulder up a mountainside where it promptly rolled back down for him to again push it up, day after day.

We, living in reality and not myths, can recognize when repeated failures reveal a negative pattern and that it is time to change something.  In this case, the relationship is dysfunctional and stressful and is not escaping this cycle.

Imagine riding a roller coaster.  At first it's fun but if you stay on the ride you can get sick of the constant turmoil, in this example motion sickness.  Fortunately all roller coaster rides come back to the station.  That is when you can decide to get off.  And think twice and thrice before getting back on.