Does my (soon to be ex) wife's behavior / childhood sound supportive of BPD?

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Does this sound like BPD? My Marriage Story

I’d like to ask this community if the story of my marriage and my wife’s behavior sounds consistent with BPD traits. She is in her late twenties, we have two sons under 5, and she suddenly wanted a divorce last December during a family trip. Family trips always seemed to stress her out. I had never even heard of BPD until recently, but when I began reading about it, I was shocked at how closely her behavior aligned with the symptoms. Honestly, I felt relief because it made me feel like I wasn’t going crazy.

She treats me like a different person now. In the early days of our marriage she acted like I hung the moon—so did her mother. Now I’m painted black. My father-in-law is a Primitive Baptist pastor at a hyper-Calvinist church, and much of the family dynamic seems tied to his influence. He believes psychology is not biblical and calls it a corrupt science. Because of this, my wife will almost certainly never see a licensed therapist. She has only gone to Reformed Christian “counselors,” which in our experience have done more harm than good. Meanwhile, I am seeing a licensed therapist who is also a Christian, and it has been helpful for me to process what has happened.

I was hoping for advice or comments on if you all think she could have BPD, and what to do now.

This list makes her sound bad.  That said, I do love this women.  She is the mother of my children.  I love her, but I am having to let go of this marriage as she has no interest in reconciliation.  She has many positive qualities I would rather list (she loves our sons, enjoys the outdoors, loved her homestead we made together...)

But for now I have to focus on this list of traits and details for advice from you all:

---

 Her Childhood and Family Background

* My wife told me her father was a hardcore drug abuser until age 32, when he quit and became very religious. He also contracted Hep-C.
* Her parents’ marriage was rocky until then. After he quit drugs, he became born-again and very fundamentalist.
* They moved frequently for his work until settling in Georgia when she was 8.
* Her father often traveled for work during her childhood.
* She is the 4th of 6 siblings and said she often felt overlooked.
* She was homeschooled and only attended hybrid co-ops, never a 5-day school.
* Her father was controlling: strict on clothing, music, etc., even calling her a “slut” or “whore” once for how she dressed.
* She said he spanked her into her teen years.
* She told me she struggled with self-harm and porn/online relationships as a teen.
* At 17 (when we met), she was underweight, vocal about her controlling parents, and admitted to body image issues.
* Her father discouraged her from moving away for college—his view was she should live at home until marriage.
* As a teen, in front of her mother and her mothers friends, said once that she wanted to kill herself.

---

Early Relationship and Marriage

* We dated for 5 months, were engaged for 6 months, and married right after she turned 18. My father-in-law performed the ceremony.
* He once told me, “her perception is her reality”—a phrase I didn’t fully understand at the time.
* She could be hypersexual and risky, even at her parents’ house.
* She sometimes used a baby voice in our first years of marriage.
* She never held a full-time job, only part-time work, usually through my connections.
* She had a pattern of intense friendships that ended abruptly.
* She told my mother early in our marriage that if anything happened to me, she would rather live with my parents than move back in with hers.
* My mother-in-law once said my wife was “a kite hard to handle” they were handing over to me.

---

Affair and Early Struggles

* In our second year of marriage, I fell into deep depression (work stress, imposter syndrome). This scared her.
* She didn’t like when I traveled for work—lots of anxiety.
* Around then, she had a lesbian affair with a friend after drinking one night. She admitted it slowly, in pieces.
* Her parents never knew. They referred us to an ACBC/nouthetic counselor, not a licensed professional. This did more harm than good.
* Shortly afterward, she became pregnant with our first child.

---

Parenthood and Later Marriage

* Life felt smoother during COVID with our first baby, though I pushed the affair out of mind.
* We had a second child, and stress increased. She began using Delta-8 to cope.
* She pressured me into buying a bigger home I didn’t really want.
* She overshared about our sex life with friends/family.
* She was hypersexual, often daily, sometimes with sex toys when I wasn’t available.
* She read explicit romance books 5–6 hours a day and developed a social media addiction.
* She floated ideas about threesomes ( even asking a relative of mine if she’d ever thought about it -- not to be involved together, but spoke of it casually as a point of interest...  My wife was a pastor's daughter.  I learned about this conversation after my wife left me).
* She sometimes neglected safety with our kids—like leaving tools on ledges or filling kiddie pools without close supervision.
* Once, our toddler got into her Delta-8 gummies, had to be rushed to the ER to be connected to IVs, and CPS became involved.  Our 3 year old could have died or gone into a coma if we didn't rush him to the ER fast enough.  I had been asking her for months to stop buying Delta8 because of the danger it presented to her and the family, it's not a safe or well regulated substance.

---

Escalation and Separation

* She triangulated with her parents instead of communicating directly with me.
* I admit I was sometimes too blunt, harsh, or controlling about finances, food, and safety. I regret that.
* Last summer, she began snapping at me over small things. One incident at a restaurant (me reading the menu to our boys) led to a blow-up.
* She confessed to recording our arguments to show her parents. My father-in-law said I was “wicked.”
* My father-in-law confronted me, even secretly recording a meeting, counting how many times I said “affair,” and accused me of “murdering her heart.” He never acknowledged her affair or behaviors.
* By December, after a family trip, she told me I was a narcissist, and she was now breaking the “cycle of abuse.” Her church and parents backed her.  Her father, our pastor, cut me off from the church.  He warned them I might reach out.  My wife had shared details about her half-sister from her father in another state, his drug use, her siblings's promiscuity, and other family details...  Much of this was hidden from her father by her mother to "protect his role as pastor".  When he and I spoke I told him about the issues that had been hidden from him.  He denied it all and accused me of being delusional and a liar.  That talk did not go well.
* She left in December, right before Christmas. About 30 days later she asked for a divorce. She did not care to try to save the marriage with therapy or a marriage retreat. In the past, her parents had even offered to pay for a marriage retreat, but at the time I couldn’t get away from work because the company was struggling. I had no idea we were headed for divorce. None of our communication issues seemed that serious.

---

Aftermath

* She blocked me on all platforms, deleted our photos, and tattooed over the letter (Initials) tattoo of my name she had for me.
* She shared memes about abusive husbands and narcissists for her social media following, many of them mutual friends and family.
* She says she was abused and will never reconcile.
* Her parents and church back her fully, painting me as delusional.
* They secretly record every conversation.
* She claims she is breaking free of abuse, while refusing to own her affair, Delta-8 negligence, or other destructive behaviors.
* I’ve apologized for my mistakes, but she has no ownership of hers.

---

Where I Am Now

I’m left hurt, confused, lonely, and missing my family. I’ve spent months asking myself, “Am I a narcissist? What’s wrong with me?” But reading about BPD traits felt like someone finally turned the lights on.

Does her behavior and background sound like BPD to you? Am I seeing this clearly?

Thank you all, I know this is a long post.

[quiet_resolve_25]

Does this sound like BPD? My Marriage Story

I’d like to ask this community if the story of my marriage and my wife’s behavior sounds consistent with BPD traits. She is in her late twenties, we have two sons under 5, and she suddenly wanted a divorce last December during a family trip. Family trips always seemed to stress her out. I had never even heard of BPD until recently, but when I began reading about it, I was shocked at how closely her behavior aligned with the symptoms. Honestly, I felt relief because it made me feel like I wasn’t going crazy.

She treats me like a different person now. In the early days of our marriage she acted like I hung the moon—so did her mother. Now I’m painted black. My father-in-law is a Primitive Baptist pastor at a hyper-Calvinist church, and much of the family dynamic seems tied to his influence. He believes psychology is not biblical and calls it a corrupt science. Because of this, my wife will almost certainly never see a licensed therapist. She has only gone to Reformed Christian “counselors,” which in our experience have done more harm than good. Meanwhile, I am seeing a licensed therapist who is also a Christian, and it has been helpful for me to process what has happened.

I was hoping for advice or comments on if you all think she could have BPD, and what to do now.

This list makes her sound bad.  That said, I do love this women.  She is the mother of my children.  I love her, but I am having to let go of this marriage as she has no interest in reconciliation.  She has many positive qualities I would rather list (she loves our sons, enjoys the outdoors, loved her homestead we made together...)

But for now I have to focus on this list of traits and details for advice from you all:

---

 Her Childhood and Family Background

* My wife told me her father was a hardcore drug abuser until age 32, when he quit and became very religious. He also contracted Hep-C.
* Her parents’ marriage was rocky until then. After he quit drugs, he became born-again and very fundamentalist.
* They moved frequently for his work until settling in Georgia when she was 8.
* Her father often traveled for work during her childhood.
* She is the 4th of 6 siblings and said she often felt overlooked.
* She was homeschooled and only attended hybrid co-ops, never a 5-day school.
* Her father was controlling: strict on clothing, music, etc., even calling her a “slut” or “whore” once for how she dressed.
* She said he spanked her into her teen years.
* She told me she struggled with self-harm and porn/online relationships as a teen.
* At 17 (when we met), she was underweight, vocal about her controlling parents, and admitted to body image issues.
* Her father discouraged her from moving away for college—his view was she should live at home until marriage.
* As a teen, in front of her mother and her mothers friends, said once that she wanted to kill herself.

---

Early Relationship and Marriage

* We dated for 5 months, were engaged for 6 months, and married right after she turned 18. My father-in-law performed the ceremony.
* He once told me, “her perception is her reality”—a phrase I didn’t fully understand at the time.
* She could be hypersexual and risky, even at her parents’ house.
* She sometimes used a baby voice in our first years of marriage.
* She never held a full-time job, only part-time work, usually through my connections.
* She had a pattern of intense friendships that ended abruptly.
* She told my mother early in our marriage that if anything happened to me, she would rather live with my parents than move back in with hers.
* My mother-in-law once said my wife was “a kite hard to handle” they were handing over to me.

---

Affair and Early Struggles

* In our second year of marriage, I fell into deep depression (work stress, imposter syndrome). This scared her.
* She didn’t like when I traveled for work—lots of anxiety.
* Around then, she had a lesbian affair with a friend after drinking one night. She admitted it slowly, in pieces.
* Her parents never knew. They referred us to an ACBC/nouthetic counselor, not a licensed professional. This did more harm than good.
* Shortly afterward, she became pregnant with our first child.

---

Parenthood and Later Marriage

* Life felt smoother during COVID with our first baby, though I pushed the affair out of mind.
* We had a second child, and stress increased. She began using Delta-8 to cope.
* She pressured me into buying a bigger home I didn’t really want.
* She overshared about our sex life with friends/family.
* She was hypersexual, often daily, sometimes with sex toys when I wasn’t available.
* She read explicit romance books 5–6 hours a day and developed a social media addiction.
* She floated ideas about threesomes ( even asking a relative of mine if she’d ever thought about it -- not to be involved together, but spoke of it casually as a point of interest...  My wife was a pastor's daughter.  I learned about this conversation after my wife left me).
* She sometimes neglected safety with our kids—like leaving tools on ledges or filling kiddie pools without close supervision.
* Once, our toddler got into her Delta-8 gummies, had to be rushed to the ER to be connected to IVs, and CPS became involved.  Our 3 year old could have died or gone into a coma if we didn't rush him to the ER fast enough.  I had been asking her for months to stop buying Delta8 because of the danger it presented to her and the family, it's not a safe or well regulated substance.

---

Escalation and Separation

* She triangulated with her parents instead of communicating directly with me.
* I admit I was sometimes too blunt, harsh, or controlling about finances, food, and safety. I regret that.
* Last summer, she began snapping at me over small things. One incident at a restaurant (me reading the menu to our boys) led to a blow-up.
* She confessed to recording our arguments to show her parents. My father-in-law said I was “wicked.”
* My father-in-law confronted me, even secretly recording a meeting, counting how many times I said “affair,” and accused me of “murdering her heart.” He never acknowledged her affair or behaviors.
* By December, after a family trip, she told me I was a narcissist, and she was now breaking the “cycle of abuse.” Her church and parents backed her.  Her father, our pastor, cut me off from the church.  He warned them I might reach out.  My wife had shared details about her half-sister from her father in another state, his drug use, her siblings's promiscuity, and other family details...  Much of this was hidden from her father by her mother to "protect his role as pastor".  When he and I spoke I told him about the issues that had been hidden from him.  He denied it all and accused me of being delusional and a liar.  That talk did not go well.
* She left in December, right before Christmas. About 30 days later she asked for a divorce. She did not care to try to save the marriage with therapy or a marriage retreat. In the past, her parents had even offered to pay for a marriage retreat, but at the time I couldn’t get away from work because the company was struggling. I had no idea we were headed for divorce. None of our communication issues seemed that serious.

---

Aftermath

* She blocked me on all platforms, deleted our photos, and tattooed over the letter (Initials) tattoo of my name she had for me.
* She shared memes about abusive husbands and narcissists for her social media following, many of them mutual friends and family.
* She says she was abused and will never reconcile.
* Her parents and church back her fully, painting me as delusional.
* They secretly record every conversation.
* She claims she is breaking free of abuse, while refusing to own her affair, Delta-8 negligence, or other destructive behaviors.
* I’ve apologized for my mistakes, but she has no ownership of hers.

---

Where I Am Now

I’m left hurt, confused, lonely, and missing my family. I’ve spent months asking myself, “Am I a narcissist? What’s wrong with me?” But reading about BPD traits felt like someone finally turned the lights on.

Does her behavior and background sound like BPD to you? Am I seeing this clearly?

Thank you all, I know this is a long post.

[ForeverDad]

she suddenly wanted a divorce last December during a family trip. Family trips always seemed to stress her out.

I had been married for some 15 years and my ex too was triggered by vacations, even just packing and preparing for vacations.  BPD triggers are almost too numerous to recount.  Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, etc.

In my case, I eventually identified what threw my marriage over a cliff... we had a child and she stopped viewing me as a loving husband and me being a father reminded her too much of her abuser stepfather.  That's when I discovered having children doesn't fix mental health issues but vastly complicate things, especially when the family enters the divorce process.

Overall, I saw nothing to indicate she does not have BPD.  The unrelenting chaos and discord you've experienced is often a pattern seen with BPD.  And at least some of her FOO (family of origin) sounds troubling, especially now that you are likely heading into divorce.

If you are heading into divorce, it is best to ensure you have proper Priorities.  (1) Yourself, since you need to be the best father you can be in the upcoming years and (2) the children, since they're young and need protection from excessive conflict.  Your spouse, though she had been so close to you, has been overall oppositional and since she is an adult, she is fully responsible for herself.  Family court will treat you both as adults, even if she doesn't act as a responsible adult.

Since her family is known to record conversations, going forward you'll have to be extra careful to never appear (or be framed) as aggressive, raging or out of control.  Self-control is very important now.

Are you being blocked from contact with your children?  Technically, unless there is a court order stating otherwise, both parents have equal - but undefined - rights as parents.  Odds are, she and her family are blocking you from normal contact with your children.  If so, you may have to interview local family law attorneys - experienced with high conflict cases - and seek legal relief from your family  or domestic court.

Be forewarned that family court generally does not dig into mental health issues.  Typically it just views the litigants as bickering over the end of the marriage and expects the conflict to fade once the divorce is final.  That won't happen with BPD in the mix.  (I was in and out of family court for eight years until we got an order that worked, even had an in-depth Custody Evaluation, and never once was any official curious to know what sort of mental health issues were causing all the conflict.)