half hr i been looking at this blank page deciding what subject and then how long staring at that but not for having nothing to say just having to ground myself in preperation for the sadness, confusions, hurtful blame, rumenating questions that have no answers and hope that has no soil.
This is something I wrote — a poem called Discarded . It says more than I can type out fresh right now, so I’m sharing it here as an image.
She went straight to no contact other than she said she went through my phone i said so she sent me message shots i told her exactly what and why and she said im a manipulator and i didnt know what to say i told the truth i cant elaborate more than the truth and what lie?
i will tell lies in the sense of when asked do i know how fast i was riding i will say no everytime but to her nahh i didnt and i wasnt about to start and while im stunned by the accusation coz it was fierce and i knew she believed i was talking
PLEASE READ so i froze and took every hit and each word stung like salt on the wound of despair and she is was my only person and i have dbt knowledge and radically accepted shes gone i can say it with belief and conviction mentally but every time i need my person it hurts the loss is so tangible and overwhelming as it just compounds and i am a v ery hard to get attached to person,since changing countries at 14 to live with a parent i never met and never been to country or know anyone there i was in work by 15 in construction and nothing stuck with me through life my father and that country taught me not to trust and ahow to store anger but also how to live alone when told you belong.
we met round 25yrs ago and both had partners and all the way our partners changed but a few years ago we were together and both single and had a night of unbridled passion that involved heavy rain thunder lightning and a rooftop. just paused and had to pull back can still feel my lips turmned down on ends and temple is tight and furrowed as i type but releasing so next few months later i need to change rentals and she has mortgage and i say nahh not moving in with you and meant it and she understood it was to keep and protect what we had until maybe later we can do that safely a month later a traumatic moment left me stuck in flight mode i ended up on certraline and valium and as i would put it back then;" im not firing right" i had to be out in weeks had lived there 10years hadnt found a place just not processing anything everything was overload too hard i wasv stuttering first time in life in my late forties and fkn legs would not stop bouncing when i was sat down and that was affecting anyone in the room visibly which was an overwhelm of itself months of this till psychiatrist diagnosed anxiety mood dysregulation and ptsd takes me off the zoloft puts me on fluvoxamine bit higher mg and a stronger benzo for night and i got better no stutter and legs stop now is hypervigilance but i can and do deal with them issues by solidarity and thats now so back to 2023 and i accept moving in with her on grounds its not permanent soon as get back to work i find another place.
not to take anything away from or disrespect any other relationships i had been in all 3 of them though long tern i was happy like i thought i knew what happy was i remember plenty of times i said im happy but being so close to her and her energy and beauty and way she looked at me i dropped all my defences i let her lead & committed to wanting her to finally be treated right and never lie to her which is kinda easy when its your person for decades she knows all i am that is hidden she knows mey ex partners she knows about the fighting and the jail and the detention centre kids all of it, never to intentionally let her down never to raise my voice or do anything that even resembles dominance or dv or any violance physical mental or emotional and for months it was like it was meant to be and she was looking after me with the mental impact of the trauma and problems i was having i knew about her of course i had been her person to, well onre of then i spose in her case anyway remember the part i said about dropping all my defenses well i wasnt seeing what was going on around us and i am usually very aware of that and my hypervigilance was honing in on fear of possible threats immediately firing right im honed in on seeing them manifesting in changes around me by being aware of changes in patterns and behaviours and i got good reads on body language and eyes tone of voice rarely caufght unprepared but since the meds and not viewing through discerning lens i trusted her so just watched her so if her family members or friends made her relaxed and happy i would be relaxed and accepting. dumb.
missed the jealousy from all of them and missed my own adult kids jealousy Aalso and how they were not happy i had moved citys and after a few questions about me made it clear to them that she wouldnt engage and shut
PLEASE READ down they stasrted plotting, i missed it.
anyway thats prelude i loved her, would never have left her or betrayed her and i am a man that can say that and know it and so did she until things i should of seen.
i noticed she would say was this you and i would say nahhh but she wouldnt ask who else and i aint giving them up depite knowing full well coz i can tell they in serious
PLEASE READ some of them things and sometimes she tear into me and the guilty right there letting me saying nothing and when i feel im getting thin i know if i turn on them she be upset i cant get angry with her i cant so ive had enough its going no where i walk away.
assessed safest move is leave quietly.
more of that
i knew about splitting i had never experienced it i did not realise i was feeding that part of her defence mecghanisms and one day i realised she was getting upset for something she had wrong and when saying because this full on gaslit me and confused the hell out of me coz i can see how real her distiorted version is to her and i cant shut it down like i would any other person alive and the stuttering kicks off and she starts mimicking me and i can hear myself stuttering and feel the emotion behind it just wanting to calm her down i know to give her space not do anything for her feel threatened and the way she done it bang i triggered and i was so hurt and embarressed and ashamed of myself all of it i am not proud of punching myself in the mouth and face in rage and for the critics no it was not a cry for attention i bled and swelled before her sorrys became un muffled and all i remember through the fuzziness is the tears in her eyes and the knowledge i had scared her and failed myself and if you were a fly on the wall you just saw my entire body fold inward and lose composure i know from exoperiance its stored memory as i now return from mindfulness exersizes.
sorry for any negativity or distress that may have caused anyone i just want to be clear i am not claiming poor me.
i am not perfect, i am flawed i am sorry i let her down. i am menta;lly accepting but not mending.
i know she is better off without me. i want her to be happy, i still love her i always have loved her i can love a woman and never experiance her flesh. i want to be able to cherish the time we had together and the memory of her smiling at me and not have to feel the pain of questions that could be answered but im told wont be and questions i know are emotional traps that any answer is going to feed the depressive thoughts that give them space in the first place.
dumb ones like eg does she ever miss me. tell me how a yes is any less painful than a no?
i could handle her with another wing around her if it meant having my person back i would be protective but not jealous i watched her with other paertbners long time and im going to stop becayse im breaking wand this is where she is missed the most not in bed and i am so sorry to you if i have stirred any memories of monsters in your own past or present please know i do not support or condone violance and i am suffering while shes jumping out of planes and living the life she deserves thankfully.i only know through hearing things and i wish i didnt hear her mentioned as it hurts too much, i cant even go into photo gallery because i see us and dont have capacity to remove them or strength to embrace them.
umm please ask me anything it will be more helpful and easieer than what im doing now and i hope i have not made bpd sound like im being blameful or spiteful as im not i dont talk much and when i do it aint about feelings i guard to protect myself from the judgement and labels of the world that doesnt feel whats felt anymore.
i will be honest if asked something that doesnt expose me anymore than that above.
hope your well enough
it was hard to go where i did in post, thank you for pushing through it and replying with no judgement and yeah psychologist & psychiatrist were already regular for my recovery from a trauma thats had me medicated since that happened, that was months after we started sleeping in same bed each night.
till then i was anle to process and respond to her and take nothing to heart and not knowing if i might of had more time with her if not for that massive shift in my mentality is hard
i would of been me still,
i would of had capacity to find another place to live
i would not of allowed myself to give another so much of my all
learned in early teens people are only able to burn you with as much as they are given & feel responsible for the hurt by trusting another with my vulnerabilities.
i gave her enough to make me question my own worth
i gave her my best and if my best isnt good enough for the person id do anything for then what measure is my best?
what good am i now to another partner broken doubting my best is good enough
if the one person that knows me inside out, my morals and ethics, nature and beliefs says im manipulative and play games with so much conviction i have no chance of anyone taking time to see whats behind the mask..
if not for wrong meds would i have reacted so poorly? should be who cares!
what if she knows im a not stuttering and bit more me?should be some friend she turned out to be!
even with awareness no one can rewrite a path walked with what ifs, and knowing if she cared i wouldnt struglle with wondering i would know, my damn emotions are still hers more than mine and its embarresing but less so now from reading on this forum.
still i hurt for her and it does come from a place of genuine care, not selfishness or dependance
and that just makes it worse really
writing on here opened a flood gate and i apologise for the mess i posted.
no contact Telhill, thankfully after reading here, wish i knew about this forum earlier as i see is a common thing....i would be dishonest if i didnt say i feel rejected even more because of it seeing as so many others had some back n forth first i feel lesser and have to be kind to myself to minimise that hurt and self judgement as impossible to completely remove it still.
only 1 person really sees her and i make sure not to cross paths that way and im sure the kids are still friends on the facebook and things but anyone can go and be nosey on the internet if so inclined.
thank you for your prayers pooko they carry weight and are heard if not always answered
again thank you for advice and for your time to engage
