Managing a business with my bpd child

[Chiantishire]

I am retired and my 33 year old daughter has BPD. She struggled to maintain friendships and went from job to job, but she got by until 3 years ago when she became suicidal. She was not able to work after that and was struggling emotionally and physically. We (my husband and I) supported her financially and she had a therapist and psychiatrist, but I wanted to do more to help her self-esteem so 2 years ago I pitched the idea of starting a pet sitting business. I knew that I would have to do a good portion of the work as she frequently is not feeling well (physically and/or emotionally). Now it has been 2 years and the business has grown quickly. She loves the job (which is wonderful because it gives her hope of a better life), but it is sometimes very overwhelming for her so I end up doing more than I would like to do. I am learning to say no to new and old clients, but it is really hard for me to say no to my daughter. Has anyone else managed a business with their bpd child? Do you have any tips for managing the business together?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm a former business owner with a BPD daughter, so I can relate and likely others can as well.  It's not as much about the business as it is your daughter's tendencies in life.

First off, great business model!  Pets come, you feed them and play with them, then the pets go home.  It's a great low-stress environment and they're probably plenty of exercise walking the dogs, etc.

The problem I have is that "when your daughter is not feeling well", you pick up the slack.  That's not how the real world works; we work regardless of how we feel.  And I wonder if your compassion for your kid is enabling her to claim the job is too much at times.  That's not a business problem at all; that's a very common BPD problem where we walk on eggshells to avoid conflict.

My advice is to double-down and push your child to take more responsibility.  It's medically proven that exercise is beneficial for our mental health- we get moving and it helps the mind regulate.  On the other hand, when we sit still for too long our mind suffers. 

So again, you picked a great business model that's mentally healthy for everyone.

Is there certain parts of the job she struggles with?  Does she have assigned hours and responsibilities?  Have you made it known that it's "her business" and you're there to support....or is it more of a family business without defined roles? 

As you said, you're retired.  So be retired and work like a retiree (sparingly, when you want to).

[Sancho]

Hi Chiantishire
I wonder if you could give a few details of how the business works ie do you look after the pets in their home or yours, is it on a daily basis or do you have longer times available etc?

I can understand your DD would become overwhelmed at times - I think those with BPD become overwhelmed at times just with living let alone anything else.

I am wondering at the possibility of employing someone very, very part time? I'm assuming the intention now would be for DD to take over the business by herself at some point and you go into 'full' retirement (not sure anyone with a BPD child is ever fully retired!).

The usual business trajectory would be that as it grows someone else can come into the business. In this type of business I am sure there would be very understanding people who would relate well to your DD and transition could take place very slowly.