New here

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, I’m new to this whole board and to bdp. I was married for almost 20 years with four beautiful kids and a loving wife that we’ve been through so much stuff.
And then last Christmas, I found out that I had an estranged daughter of 21 years who was diagnosed with BDP in her teens 
After almost 6 months of still getting accustomed to the whole situation and researching about BDP, we’re finally getting ready to start making contact with my estranged daughter and wondered if anybody has any tips on setting emotional boundaries or boundaries that would help

[Oldmannewman209]

Hi, I’m new to this whole board and to bdp. I was married for almost 20 years with four beautiful kids and a loving wife that we’ve been through so much stuff.
And then last Christmas, I found out that I had an estranged daughter of 21 years who was diagnosed with BDP in her teens 
After almost 6 months of still getting accustomed to the whole situation and researching about BDP, we’re finally getting ready to start making contact with my estranged daughter and wondered if anybody has any tips on setting emotional boundaries or boundaries that would help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I have a similar life story- in my 40's, I found out I had a half-brother!  He wasn't mentally ill, but just that journey alone of discovering something like that is certainly life changing.  So I can relate.

For starting a relationship with your daughter, there's no real "red flags" going into that relationship.  She's probably wondered where you've been her whole life, but maybe now she's excited to learn about you and build a relationship.  Things could possibly move fast at first and she might be the most loving kid in the world.  Just temper expectations and try to keep at a steady pace.

What to watch out for- she may idolize you at first (common with BPDs) and at your first mistake, she could react harshly.  You may see highs and lows in her personality and it's so important that you set the proper tone- you love her, you're there for her, you want to know her. 

But at the same time, you also have to set expectations- dad can't buy you a car, or co-sign on a lease for an apartment, or pay for college.  Not yet anyway, you absolutely positively can't lead with money.  Small gifts are fine, hopefully you get where I'm going with this.  The biggest problem BPD parents face is entitlement, like we owe our kids everything for bringing them into this world.  You'll eventually face that (maybe soon) and have to be prepared for a level-headed answer.

You love her, you're there for her, but you have to take baby steps since this is quite the shock.

Question- how is your relationship with mom?  That will come into play many times and if there's no relationship there currently, you need to at least break the ice.  You don't have to be besties, but eventually you will be parents together...at least that's the goal.  Mom is probably frustrated as can be and could use some outside help; I'd guess she'd probably talk to you if it's approached the right way.

This is a lot- please keep us updated and ask questions as you go.