Why the Continued Reach-outs After Recent Break-up?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I will preface my message by saying that I am fully aware that the easy simple answer is to block my ex - I am also not ready; getting closer but not ready.

You can read some of my background information under the "Reversing a break-up / bettering a relationship forum" if you are interested in more background information on the break-up.

Long and short, my ex pwBPD gave me a laundry list of things that have caused him to grow "hatred" or "resentment" towards me during our 4 1/2-year relationship.  Some of his concerns are not out of line, they are uncontrollable due to distance.  I finally left this past weekend and told him that he needed to decide "which is greater, your love or your hate." and that "Maybe space and time will allow you to find some clarity."  I informed that I would not continue to message unless I heard from him first, that I loved him and wished him all the best.

Generally speaking, the days are quiet, I do not hear from him, but almost every other night I get a message (let's call them updates) about his thoughts.  For example, in chronological order:

"50 50 at this point" (referencing back to love or hate)

"I am indeed tired of playing on my phone. 4 years of this nonsense is enough . . .. again long distance induced"

"Didn't you get divorced for the reason of being in a loveless marriage . . . but all you want to do is still identify with (name removed) his last name and not give a new guy a chance"

"Pee"  (Yes he seriously told me he got up in the middle of the night to pee)

"The thing I'm most bummed about was our sharing, or lack of"  (ie not living together, etc)

Then last nights:  "You're not all bad. You do help me work on this place, but I need so much more"

Last night's message made me want to scream "Great. Thanks for using me for my "help," calling it "our place" and acting like it meant more since January"  I also wanted to let him know that anything short of hearing how important I am to him, how he loves me and can't imagine life without me - along with an acknowledgement of how much time, effort, and energy I put into our relationship is just "rubbing salt into the wound".  I have traveled nearly every other week 2 hours to live with him for a week and return home for the week I have my daughter . . . there is a significant amount of work we've put into alternatives that have never panned out.

BUT I digress.  Yes, I should probably just block him at this juncture.  Of course I'd like to understand why he continues to message me he "reasoning" - it's almost like he's trying to convince me (or convince himself?) even though I'm already gone.  Almost like he needs me to agree with his point of view.  Anyone dealt with this after the "final" breakup?

[athena wanderer]

I will preface my message by saying that I am fully aware that the easy simple answer is to block my ex - I am also not ready; getting closer but not ready.

You can read some of my background information under the "Reversing a break-up / bettering a relationship forum" if you are interested in more background information on the break-up.

Long and short, my ex pwBPD gave me a laundry list of things that have caused him to grow "hatred" or "resentment" towards me during our 4 1/2-year relationship.  Some of his concerns are not out of line, they are uncontrollable due to distance.  I finally left this past weekend and told him that he needed to decide "which is greater, your love or your hate." and that "Maybe space and time will allow you to find some clarity."  I informed that I would not continue to message unless I heard from him first, that I loved him and wished him all the best.

Generally speaking, the days are quiet, I do not hear from him, but almost every other night I get a message (let's call them updates) about his thoughts.  For example, in chronological order:

"50 50 at this point" (referencing back to love or hate)

"I am indeed tired of playing on my phone. 4 years of this nonsense is enough . . .. again long distance induced"

"Didn't you get divorced for the reason of being in a loveless marriage . . . but all you want to do is still identify with (name removed) his last name and not give a new guy a chance"

"Pee"  (Yes he seriously told me he got up in the middle of the night to pee)

"The thing I'm most bummed about was our sharing, or lack of"  (ie not living together, etc)

Then last nights:  "You're not all bad. You do help me work on this place, but I need so much more"

Last night's message made me want to scream "Great. Thanks for using me for my "help," calling it "our place" and acting like it meant more since January"  I also wanted to let him know that anything short of hearing how important I am to him, how he loves me and can't imagine life without me - along with an acknowledgement of how much time, effort, and energy I put into our relationship is just "rubbing salt into the wound".  I have traveled nearly every other week 2 hours to live with him for a week and return home for the week I have my daughter . . . there is a significant amount of work we've put into alternatives that have never panned out.

BUT I digress.  Yes, I should probably just block him at this juncture.  Of course I'd like to understand why he continues to message me he "reasoning" - it's almost like he's trying to convince me (or convince himself?) even though I'm already gone.  Almost like he needs me to agree with his point of view.  Anyone dealt with this after the "final" breakup?

[Pook075]

Great question- and the answer really digs deep into the identity of someone suffering from BPD.

For normal, healthy minds, we work our problems both logically and emotionally.  For instance, should I date this new girl I met?  My mind would list the positives and negatives, any outside influences (like family, work, where we live, etc), and eventually I'd have a fairly clear answer.  Maybe I finally reach the conclusion to break up, she does something that blows me away, and my entire opinion changes.  But whatever I decide, it's a linear thought process with one thing building on another.

For someone mentally ill, it doesn't work like that.  They see what they want to see...at first, you're amazing and all you ever do is amazing things.  That's not to say you don't actually do lousy things, but that's disregarded completely and the red flags disappear.  Then later on, maybe their minds shift and they start replaying only the bad stuff...and now you're all bad.  But they know that's not right either, so they try to self-correct and it makes them realize what a failure they are, how they can't even keep their mouths shut.  But that doesn't feel right either so it all must be your fault. 

They love you.  They hate you.  They want to run into your arms.  They never want to see you again because you've brought all this pain and heartbreak.  And all of this could take place in minutes.  It's not linear, it's all over the place and in no particular order.  It's just random bursts of emotion.

What's true?  All of it, every single word...in that moment.  Maybe it's a lie 30 seconds later because they don't feel that way anymore.  Their emotions are coming so hard and fast though, they're self-destructing inside and have no idea how to stop it.  Their feelings are running wild and they're miserable inside.

[athena wanderer]

I suppose I conceptually understand thi,  but still really struggle to understand the apparent need to keep telling me what he’s thinking even when I’ve told him we are no longer together and his thoughts about our relationship are no longer worth discussing - it’s so perplexing

It’s difficult not to feel like he’s purposefully aiming to hurt me or convince me that I made the right choice OR conversely convince himself he made the right choice in pushing me away.

I suppose my ruminating is equally a waste of time. It’s such a complex and sad mental health issue. 

[athena wanderer]

Apologies - I hit the post button to quickly. 

It seems like what you’re saying in regard to the continued reachouts is this may be a way of processing because of the incongruent thought patterns and the internal feelings it’s causing.   

I’ve also wondered if it has to do with the fact that I’ve helped him process emotions for years by providing examples and discussing how I process my decisions and feelings.

[Pook075]

Apologies - I hit the post button to quickly. 

It seems like what you’re saying in regard to the continued reachouts is this may be a way of processing because of the incongruent thought patterns and the internal feelings it’s causing.   

I’ve also wondered if it has to do with the fact that I’ve helped him process emotions for years by providing examples and discussing how I process my decisions and feelings.

Part of it might be exactly that, and another part might be because he doesn't realize the relationship is over yet.  BPDs are notorious for exploding, saying awful things, and then ten minutes later, they say something like, "Hey, do you want to watch a movie together after dinner?"

In other words, they completely miss that they just destroyed you verbally a few minutes ago (it's called splitting).

Now would be a great time to start working on boundaries and letting him know, "Hey, I care about you and all, but we're not together anymore and I can't have this conversation."  If he gets the hint, great.  If not, then maybe you'll have to block him on a few things.  When you talk about this kind of stuff, be sure to make it "you statements" as well. 

For example, "I don't feel comfortable doing this anymore and it's causing me a lot of anxiety."

That's a million times better than saying, "You're a selfish jerk that just doesn't get it- leave me alone!"  Both things basically say the same thing, but one is focused on you and it's not escalating things.

I hope that helps, but feel free to continue asking questions!

[PeteWitsend]

...

BUT I digress.  Yes, I should probably just block him at this juncture.  Of course I'd like to understand why he continues to message me he "reasoning" - it's almost like he's trying to convince me (or convince himself?) even though I'm already gone.  Almost like he needs me to agree with his point of view.  Anyone dealt with this after the "final" breakup?

Trying to understand the reasoning of a disordered mind is a fool's errand to a large extent. 

Focus on the forest, not the trees, so to speak.  His behavior is unstable and chaotic, flipping back and forth from loving and kind to spiteful and angry.  You have found that to be unbearable.  So why do you persist in engaging with him?

If you find yourself tempted to keep running in circles with them, and paying any credence to their inconsistent statements, lies, etc., then I think you need to consider why you're doing this, and why you're having trouble maintaining healthy boundaries.

[athena wanderer]

Excellent point - it is likely a fools errand, but a curiosity for sure.

I am no longer engaging him, I do not respond if / when he messages; after years of chaos something akin to disgust has finally grown following our last trip where he was wonderful during the day and splitting almost every night.  I truly couldn't take it anymore.

It's sad tbh - I hope he figures himself out. Before too many disagreements took over, it was a fairly sweet relationship, that has only progressed into further chaos and bitterness at this juncture.  Sure do miss they way he used to look at me, but I don't miss waking up to a message that would cause me to sweat bullets and spend the rest of the night sleepless.

[PeteWitsend]

Excellent point - it is likely a fools errand, but a curiosity for sure.

I am no longer engaging him, I do not respond if / when he messages; after years of chaos something akin to disgust has finally grown following our last trip where he was wonderful during the day and splitting almost every night.  I truly couldn't take it anymore.

It's sad tbh - I hope he figures himself out. Before too many disagreements took over, it was a fairly sweet relationship, that has only progressed into further chaos and bitterness at this juncture.  Sure do miss they way he used to look at me, but I don't miss waking up to a message that would cause me to sweat bullets and spend the rest of the night sleepless.

It's hard to know if the sweetness is genuine though.  "Lovebombing" and "Honeymoon Periods" are features of romantic relationships with a pwBPD (and widely discussed on this website and others dealing with BPD).  Perhaps on some level they really do love us, or are happy in the relationship, but their feelings are so disordered and switch so rapidly that I always felt they were meaningless to consider. 

You can remember them fondly if you like, as you try to heal from it, but I don't think it's helpful to think of them as though they could have been there again if you had done things differently in the relationship as you ponder the question of "why" he does the things he does.  If they are BPD, the meanness, the paranoia, the anxiety, the controlling behavior, and the fear of abandonment driving it was always going to come out sooner or later. 

[TelHill]

I finally left this past weekend and told him that he needed to decide "which is greater, your love or your hate." and that "Maybe space and time will allow you to find some clarity."  I informed that I would not continue to message unless I heard from him first, that I loved him and wished him all the best.

Hi Athena, All pwBPD in my life miss social cues. I often wonder if they’re on the spectrum and have a personality disorder too. I’d understand the above as being the end of the relationship, expressing your exasperation at his rapid painting you black and then white.

BPD do it differently. He took what you said at face value.  He probably heard —“If you message me, I’ll respond. I’m giving you a chance to make up your mind to be a nicer guy.”

He’s probably reasoning with you because he doesn’t think he was mean.  He simply wants you back.

I learned the hard way in college years ago when breaking up to be polite, be brief but be clear: I am breaking up with you. It didn’t work out. I don’t think it’s a good idea to be friends. I hope things work out for you. 

There’s less to argue with and no room for misinterpretation.

Anyone dealt with this after the "final" breakup?

My ex-h continued to contact me beating the block, painting me black and then love bombing. I ignored him and he gave up.  I dated right afterwards (huge mistake). I broke up with Mr. Rebound and he got around the block pretending to be different characters (a little boy, hello kitty, a women in her 80s and more). I ignored it and he gave up.

In their minds the love bombing is genuine. They forget the verbal and emotional abuse is genuine to us. It causes fear and trauma.  It’s always there and it’s why we never want anything to do with them again.

[TelHill]

*Mr. Rebound Guy was disordered. He had many BPD/NPD traits.