Our 25 yo daughter

[Mamadoe]

Hi, I just read about this site in Randi Kregers book. Our daughter has finally been officially diagnosed.  I self diagnosed her in 2021 and wrote that she needed dbt. After 4 years with the wrong guys, 23 police calls in 9 months, her boyfriend being charged with assault, asd and adhd cannabis addiction, she ended up being charged with domestic abuse; then in hospital for 2 weeks (psych) . She's now with her dad and I, every day is a challenge. She says once restrictions are lifted she's going back to the boyfriend. Its been a very long downward 6 years since she was introduced to cannabis.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm right there with you as my BPD daughter is 26.  She's past the worst of it though since she became committed to change a few years ago.

Question- you mentioned every day is a challenge, which I can understand from where I was in your position several years ago.  But what are your most direct challenges?  Talk that out a little bit.

Also, is your daughter court-ordered to be at your home right now?  And are you supporting her in other ways as well (phone bill, car/car insurance, spending money, etc)?

Finally, what is expected of your daughter while she's living with you?  And is she meeting those expectations?

[CC43]

Hi there,

Let me guess. Your daughter sleeps most of the day.  She is NEETT—Not in Education, Employment, Training or Therapy. Her room and her person are a mess, a reflection of her thinking. When you do see your daughter, she’s passive-aggressive, a negative presence in your home. If she talks, she’s full of negativity. Most of the time she says other people are abusive towards her. In short, she hates you and the world full time. The only thing she hates more is herself. She’s not doing anything, so who is she, anyway?  She’s a mess. She lost all her friends. She might have tried living with a boyfriend or two, but they bullied her, right?  She can’t stand her life anymore and wants to end it. Over the years she’s gotten increasingly paranoid, and her accusations seem less and less based on reality. You’re starting to feel scared for her.  You’re not sure what is worse—her rages, or her descent into a pit of despair. You fear for her life. You’ve tried to get her help, but she refuses it, insisting that she’s not the one with the problem, it’s your fault. She wants to live somewhere else, but though she’s an adult, she can’t make that happen on her own. Does that sound about right?  If it does, it’s because I’ve been there.

I’m sorry you’re going through this with your daughter. You’ve come to the right place. The good news is that BPD is treatable. The problem is your daughter has to want to work to get better. Right now, she’s probably “addicted” to her negative thinking, because it’s easiest to have a victim mindset and blame others for her problems. She’s “addicted” to letting others take care of all her needs—shelter, food, utilities, insurance, transportation—because it’s easier than working for things herself. Yet this makes her feel dependent, immature, helpless. She probably resents you for making her feel this way. She’s really stuck, but in a sad way, it’s working for her. I think the only way for her to get unstuck is for you to change first, and stop enabling her dysfunction. It might get worse before it gets better, but it can get better.