I hate the way I feel about separating from someone with BPD

[JCS45601]

I suffer from a major depressive order. Several months ago I reconnected with someone I dated in my teens after 25+ years. We met and began talking. We started to build a bond and I was informed of their BPD diagnosis. I began researching and speaking with someone else I found out suffered from the same diagnosis. As time went on I did notice that plans would be cancelled at the last minute, communication about doing other things was nonexistent and interest in things that were important to me fell by the wayside. They were not mean, abusive or anything like that but would really seclude themselves and say they didn't want to be around anyone. They would not respond for 12+ hours to texts and did not like people just showing up. On bad days I would make food and drop off, ask if there was anything they needed or if I could do anything, try to help solve situations etc. I would get so excited when they would make plans with me but then so disappointed when they would cancel or simply not respond. Naturally I understand that this is a part of BPD so I always tried to be understanding.  Now after 5 months I have found myself neglecting myself, not eating or sleeping, constantly worrying about them and slipping into a depressive state that I don't feel comfortable in. I came to a realization that I would never be able to help them in a way they needed, that they may care for me but could possibly never be able to give me the love and affection in the way I was seeking. I again know that this is not their fault. I know they have their own fears and I understand them completely.  They stated that they wanted to admit themselves either locally or in another city and I realized that I wanted nothing more than for them to be able to focus on getting the help they needed to manage their symptoms. I felt like I was a distraction/trigger because of my want to spend time with them or constantly trying to help put pressure on them. I am a big-hearted person who is always trying to help people, sometimes losing myself in the process and ending up in a dark place. For my own self-preservation, I ended that relationship (we had no labels or titles, but did have a connection). I really cared about them and was hoping for more, but I don't believe that is what they wanted, due to their own fears. Again, I completely understand and hold no hard feelings. I believe they hate me now, and I am hurting so bad. I only wanted them to be able to focus on healing, learning to manage their symptoms, and finding peace and happiness. They deserve that and so much more. They are an amazing person who suffers every day. I that that they have to go through this. My intentions were good so Why do I feel so bad? I tried to explain my feelings and my hopes for them but I feel it was taken badly. I cant stop crying.... How do I keep myself from these feelings? Has anyone else had to step away when you didn't want to for your own health?

[Under The Bridge]

Hi and welcome.

You're not alone in feeling like this, everyone who has had a BPD relationship has felt the hopelessness of not being able to fix things, but BPD is such an illogical illness where 2+2 never equals 4 and we're playing by the rules of someone who can literally make them up and change them in a second. How do you ever cope with that? The frustration is overwhelming as we try to find some course of action that will actually work.

Nobody gives up on a BPD partner easily - in fact, we will try harder with that partner than we ever have before and go further - but we must also recognise that we are a person too and are entitled to have a life. We weren't specifically put here to cater for our partner, we just happened to meet them and fall for them.

We have a duty to ourselves to stay as healthy and happy as possible, or else the BPD relationship will end up damaging us as well. We always have the mentality of 'Is there something I could have done better?' but we're only human and if you can genuinely say that you did all you could at the time then you need to stop blaming yourself in any way and accept that you were in a situation that was unlike any other and totally out of your control.

The 'Three C's' is often quoted here.. you didn't Cause their illness, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. Don't let the guilt build up, you did your best, as we all did.

I ended my own 4-year relationship because I finally realised there was no solution; everything I did or said failed and she was in fact getting worse. I had to put myself first and consider my own future. I wanted to stay with her but the physical and mental cost would have wrecked me. It was hard to do but I made the right decision.

Feel free to write more if it helps, we're all with you. Best wishes.

[JCS45601]

I began noticing that the episodes, as they called it, were getting more frequent and more severe since we started hanging out with each other. Sometimes they would state that they hadn't had that happen in years. It always seemed to be around the times when I would ask to do something, take a walk, grab dinner, or just be together. Somethings in their life they continued to do without much interruption.  After looking at my own decline (which was noticeable by friends)I looked at what I thought would be best for them and myself. I realized that since they have not been going to therapy (which they said they needed to learn how to manage their emotions) they did not have the tools to manage the symptoms. I was the trigger in my opinion. Not the only one, but I was, so I really had to separate myself (I believe) as an act of love. At least that was my intention. I want them to have the support they need, be prosperous and happy, and because of this, I will be loving and praying from afar, always being their #1 cheerleader. They truly are special to me and hold a place in my heart. I tried to explain it in that manner, that it was out of love but I don't believe it was taken that way.

[Under The Bridge]

They truly are special to me and hold a place in my heart. I tried to explain it in that manner, that it was out of love but I don't believe it was taken that way.

This was the main problem I found; no matter what you do or say, you can never convince them you're genuine. It's massively frustrating when you just can't make them see that you care for them totally and mean everything you say.

Sometimes she seemed to understand and appreciate me and I thought things were getting better.. then she'd take offence at something she imagined I'd done and she'd wreck it all again. It has a huge effect on your mental well-being as you're literally living on a knife edge all the time. It eventually got to the stage where I was sitting in the bar, a bag of nerves, waiting to meet her and wondering 'Will she be okay tonight or will it be another outburst?' Relationships shouldn't be like that.

You can continue to support them but, without them getting professional help, that means that you have to constantly adapt to them - there is no 'you' in the equation, it's just all about you fitting in with them.

You said they acknowledge they need therapy, which is half the battle as many will never admit they have a problem. I know that my ex would never have admitted to it nor sought out help. Have you suggested to them that they seek help and that you will support them?

[JCS45601]

Yes, I told them that I believed they should seek the necessary therapy and that they needed to focus completely on their well-being without any distractions. I would find myself getting upset that I couldn't spend time with them or that it would be 12-24 hours without communication, which led me to worry the whole time and be unable to focus on anything else. Im also sure that no one in his family knew about me the whole time which bothered me a lot because people in my life knew about him.  That wasn't fair to either of us. I wanted them to have all possibilities to do the work and have a happy, fulfilling, and prosperous life. I hate that I completely stepped away, mainly because of my own mental deterioration (I have MDD), and honestly, I was looking out for both of us and trying to do what was best. I miss our conversations very much (texted every day), and spent the entire day in tears, but I know it would be unfair of me to reach out, especially since I'm sure they will never speak to me again. I also think that if I contacted them, I myself would sink deeper into my depressive state. I keep telling myself that I am not a horrible person. I just hope one day they will see it was all out of so much love.

[Under The Bridge]

BPD seems to magnify everything so much - we naturally worry about our partner in any relationship, which is perfectly normal but when it's a BPD partner it seems to really trigger the guilt factor in us that we're not doing enough or it's somehow our fault everything is happening.  What's actually happening is that we're going far beyond any normal limits of caring - I know that I put more effort into my BPD relationship than any other I've been in and at times it was so consuming and draining.

I always found it strange that my ex never asked to meet my parents, or even ask anything much about my past. It's like everything was in the 'now' stage and there was no past, which fits in with BPD as they live purely in the moment according to their emotions. I met her family a few times but I think it was more their idea than hers.

Though BPD's can be quite skilled at appearing normal to friends, workmates, etc, I'm sure that family will know there's a problem. My ex's family certainly knew and even warned me I was dating 'a handful'. Perhaps your ex was worried that their family might really like you, which can cause jealousy and insecurity, or worry that you and the family might 'gang up' against them. The BPD mind sees possible scenarios which would never occur to us.

I'm sure your ex-partner doesn't hate you - I've always believed that BPD sufferers are aware of a lot of what they do and it can't all be blamed on their illness, but they can have guilt over what they've done and feel awkward or ashamed. Your ex may well contact you in future  - many posts on here will testify to that happening. Every case is different though.

When my ex broke up with me about four or five major times, she'd stay away for a while - could be months -  then come into the bar with her mother for a 'night out' but she was really coming in to see if I was still there. Would have been a lot simpler if she'd just contacted me but her BPD stopped her doing that. I always had to go over and talk to her first so in her mind it was me doing the making up, not her.

If you're not blocked on all their social media, you could send a fairly neutral 'Hi, was thinking of you, how's things?' message - as long as you're prepared for them not to answer. Might be worth doing though as they may be thinking about you too but unable to initiate contact. Put the ball in their court.

[schwing]

Hi JCS45601 and

My intentions were good so Why do I feel so bad? I tried to explain my feelings and my hopes for them but I feel it was taken badly. I cant stop crying.... How do I keep myself from these feelings? Has anyone else had to step away when you didn't want to for your own health?

Rather than speculating on what you may or may not be going through, I'll just talk about what I went through and how it may or may not relate to what you're going through; maybe some of it will ring true with you.  Hopefully some of it will be helpful to you.

I have encounter many people with BPD (pwBPD) in my life and I found that it was towards pwBPD that I had the strongest draw/attraction.  In my teens and twenties, I thought I just had strong "chemistry" with certain people.  I hadn't heard of or bothered to look into BPD until after a devastating breakup of a 5 year relationship with someone who likely had/has BPD.  Before her, I had many platonic relationships with women with whom I had similar dynamics, who I also suspect had/has BPD.  My then therapist suggested I look into BPD and I had to "digest" that possibility for a decade or so before I came to my current understanding.  I remember at that time I wanted the therapist to focus on my recently ended relationship, and I was annoyed that she kept bringing up my family of origin, a topic I didn't want to engage.

Long story short, I believe I'd spent a big chunk of my adult life trying to work through my relationship with mother via my dating relationships with pwBPD.  Basically, the hurts I sustained as a child stayed with me, and I unconsciously sought out women with whom I could replicate (in some way) the dynamics I had with my mother (when I was younger).  I suppose this is very Freudian.  It took me a long time to finally accept that my mother shared the same disorder that I had come to recognize in the women I chose to date.  That therapist from long ago, knew what she was talking about, I was just in too much denial to process it at that time.

As I see it, you can tell yourself consciously that your "intentions are good," but what may be disproportionate are your feelings that compel you to work on a relationship in spite of the mounting difficulties, in spite of the negatives.  My thought is that when you find yourself so attached to a situation that intellectually you understand is a bad arrangement, you might not fully understand your motivation.

In my case, I had to come to terms with my codependent nature.  The denial I had to work through was that I was so focused on what my BPD significant others were going through that I had little or no bandwidth to consider what I was going through.  Even worse, it was my insistence on focusing on my BPD loved one that allowed me to avoid facing my own issues; I was in pain, and instead of focusing on alleviating my pain and learning from my pain, instead, I was compulsively focused on what my BPD loved one was going through.  For codependents, our inclination is to focus on the problems of our loved ones, and we do this in order to avoid looking at our own issues.

If you are codependent, I think it is in your interest to spend less time thinking about what your BPD loved one is going through, and more time finding support for yourself in helping you deal with your own pain.  And hopefully in the process, you can improve your understanding of yourself.

I began noticing that the episodes, as they called it, were getting more frequent and more severe since we started hanging out with each other. Sometimes they would state that they hadn't had that happen in years. It always seemed to be around the times when I would ask to do something, take a walk, grab dinner, or just be together.

My understanding of this disorder is that for pwBPD, feelings of intimacy seem to trigger their fear of abandonment.  The closer they end up feeling towards their favorite person (fp), the more then end up having to deal with their disordered feelings.

I realized that since they have not been going to therapy (which they said they needed to learn how to manage their emotions) they did not have the tools to manage the symptoms.

Some pwBPD may learn the tools to help them manage their emotions.  DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) seems to be a therapy that can help pwBPD develop such skills.  But sometimes they might choose not to employ them.  They need to be motivated to develop such skills.  The motivation must come from themselves, and not for our sake.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[JCS45601]

Hi JCS45601 and

My understanding of this disorder is that for pwBPD, feelings of intimacy seem to trigger their fear of abandonment.  The closer they end up feeling towards their favorite person (fp), the more then end up having to deal with their disordered feelings.

This was exactly what I had feared: that my wanting to care for this person was causing them to have more frequent and longer episodes as time went on. I noticed the pattern. I have a personality that is always wanting to help others and be caring, which is wonderful until I become so consumed that my well-being and all aspects of my life take a toll. I will keep going until I am depressed and unable to cope. I wanted to be that person whom they could depend on and learn to love. I know that I would be unable to be in their life without wanting more and triggering them.  I have some of my own trauma issues stemming from childhood that make me want to make people happy.

[schwing]

I have a personality that is always wanting to help others and be caring, which is wonderful until I become so consumed that my well-being and all aspects of my life take a toll.

I think it would be a good skill to learn how to continue to be helpful and caring towards others, but not allow it to be so consuming that it affects your well-being.  After all, if you cannot take care of yourself, how can you be in a position to help take care of someone else?

I wanted to be that person whom they could depend on and learn to love.

I think it is appropriate to depend upon someone who you love.  But I also think it's important and appropriate for that road to be a two way street.  I would not expect someone to depend upon me, if I did not also feel that I could depend upon them.

If I wanted people to depend upon me only, that I might wonder if I'm doing this only because I am trying to "earn" my love.  This was a tough lesson for me as a codependent person: to believe that I deserve love without having to feel like I've "earned" it.  A red flag might be if I found myself unwilling to accept love (or help) from someone who had not already received my support in some way previously.

Another way to look at it is, what if you met someone with a similar personality?  They might want you to feel like you could depend upon them so that you might learn to love them, would you be willing to depend upon them?  Or would that be difficult?

 I have some of my own trauma issues stemming from childhood that make me want to make people happy.

I think that trauma, and those issues are at the heart of why you might be making choices that are not serving you with respect to your BPD loved ones.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[JCS45601]

Its just hard.. I do want to call them. I am worried about them but I really don't think that it a good idea. It is too new.  I worry about seeing them in town and causing more pain to them and myself. really wish I was strong enough to have stayed but couldn't risk my own mental state to do so.  That is the worst part. I truly hope they will understand  at some point because I don't believe they could even see the changes in me which is understandable). I always tried to be happy around them in hopes that they would be happy as well.