A slightly different story than what I am seeing here

[Defeated mom]

Hello,

My story is different from what I've been reading here. My daughter who had BPD took her life in March of 2016. After feeling "dead" myself for eight years, I'm finally back in therapy but I still struggle with my siblings' disinterest in listening to my story.

I lashed out at my siblings and nieces/nephews about something else in a group text and feel like I will forever be the family outcast, alienated by my siblings and now my only other child - my 35 y.o. so son who had a heart attack back in February of this year, was hospitalized for 3 weeks and who finally gave up drinking and decided he "wants to live."

He and I haven't spoken in 2 years so now I feel like I have no children and no family members I can consider "my people". I don't know if my son will ever be in my life again. I miss my son and my siblings but have been told that I need to apologize for my tongue lashing yet not one of my siblings have apologized for not being supportive through the 20 years of chaos she caused me before she died and haven't been supportive since her death. I'm having a hard time trying to muster up an apology and feel like, perhaps, I'm not ready to re-engage with them. I just don't feel like I have the bandwidth right now. Therapy is helping tremendously but I still feel stuck with how to deal with my family.

Has anyone else been through this? I can't find a group or website that pertains to those of us who have lost a BPD child to suicide. Any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, Defeated mom, welcome to the community. 

While there may not be many of us here who have experienced the death of a child by suicide, there are plenty of us who have had to navigate challenging family dynamics.

Do your other family members display any behavioral traits similar to BPD? I'm sorry you aren't finding the empathy and support you need from others within your family.

It sounds like your son had a severe alcohol problem. What caused the rift between the two of you, if I may ask? Is he still in recovery from alcoholism?

Can you share more about the family dynamics with us? Are your siblings older or younger? Have you always had difficulty with them showing empathy towards you?

We are glad you are here. 

[Sancho]

Hi Defeated moma
You have been through so much – so many painful years. BPD takes our children from us, all the time thinking they may go from us permanently. Carrying grief in our hearts and it is often made harder by the lack of understanding of family and friends.

I found the lack of understanding so, so hard to take. Coming here I found people who understood and it’s amazing to be understood.

You may not be ready yet for an apology – but I wonder if an apology actually get you any where. Have you at any time recently been able to tell your family and son the pain you carry because you felt they couldn’t support you?

I am convinced that unless you have someone pretty close to you in your life, you can’t really understand just how difficult – if not impossible it is. In your situation, would it make a difference to how you feel about your family members knowing that many of those who post here, feel that their family and friends have no idea of the problems they face and have been very little support?

I am thinking that if you come to a point of giving an apology, it could be an opportunity to say some things. You could brainstorm some different forms till you find one that says  what you feel. Just thinking of something like:

I want to apologize for my outburst – I am very sorry for the hurt it has caused. I think it is caused by a deep pain that I feel. My journey with DD was and is a very painful one, and a very lonely one. I carry the pain all the time, and then something triggers anger and it bursts out.  Being back in therapy is helping, but I miss connecting with family.

This is just one form Defeated mom, and it might be totally inappropriate in your circumstances.

I am just thinking that if the time becomes right for an apology it might be possible to include a little bit about y your journey, your feelings?

[Notwendy]

My story isn't the same as yours but perhaps the family dynamics can help. First, I am so sorry for your loss. It is unthinkable.

My mother had BPD and it was difficult to see her experience the emotional pain she felt- and also projected at others. I had assumed she was the only person affected by dysfunction- but learned that having a family member with BPD can affect family dynamics too.

My father passed away after a long illness and it seemed that I also "lost" my mother's side of the family during that time as well. I was distraught at the time and at one point, yelled at my mother.  I also had sent an email to her family that wasn't disrespectful at all, but they interpreted it that way and wrote something mean back. BPD mother was angry at me. Her family didn't contact me after Dad passed, and we had little to no contact for years.

I grieved, was angry, resentful. I had lost a father. How could they do something like this?

I did therapy but also 12 step CODA/ACA (family dynamics with a pwBPD are similar to that with someone with substance addiction). Sometimes both can co-exist in a family- as you have seen with your son. I am sorry he has experienced health issues. It's to his credit that he stopped drinking.

How to make an apology is a part of that program- it's one of the steps. Another aspect is looking at our own resentments. Dealing with resentments is done first, as I think, as you mentioned, feeling resentful and hurt makes it hard to apologize.

The program is helpful because - by going through it- with a sponsor- we can see where making an apology benefits us and it shows a way to do it, with support of another person. It's helpful because when we are feeling so hurt ourselves- it's hard to do this on our own. It has to be done with a sponsor for the one on one support.

The therapist helped to explain how "hurting people hurt others". Of course- this isn't your fault. You've experienced an unthinkable loss. Everyone makes mistakes and apologies are how people repair relationships. Yet in some families, people don't know how to do that. People with PD's don't apologize well, and if children grow up in families where they don't have this role modeled for them-- they may not either. There's shame in admitting to an error.

Some time later, some of my mother's family did reach out to me, and what was odd was that although they had sent the mean email, they interpreted this as me having written it. Told me how horrible it was. It wasn't horrible- I re-read it. But they believed it was. I could have said something in my "defense" but saw the opportunity to reconnect with them, and so, chose to validate their feelings instead. I saw, in time, that this is their family dynamics, even though they don't have BPD.

I am thinking similarly to Sancho. An apology from you is what could open the door to communication with your family. At the moment, you still feel so much hurt. Chances are, so do your other family members. They are also dealing with their own feelings and they may not have the ability to be supportive to the extent you wish they could be. 

It's good that you are working with your therapist, but since you are feeling stuck, you may want to consider adding 12 steps - Al Anon, or CODA, to work on getting to an apology, and seeing that it could be a gift to yourself- not about your other family members. How they respond is going to be up to them but you will know that you tried to open that door with them.