Don’t like who I’ve become

[Nobodywantsthis]

Too much to say. But last weekend we had the worst episode we’ve had in years…and the sad part is that things were getting better. That said, I was chased around the house, my boundaries violated, yelled at screamed at, told I didn’t love her, told that I don’t care…I am sure you all can relate. I left and came back and I was supposed to just pretend like none of it happened. Told that if I can’t love her that I need to move out. I was told that I was being cruel for ignoring her feelings and that I am the one gaslighting her, that I am ignoring her, that I am tossing her aside. And honestly, I just am unwilling to pretend like nothing happened. That I have my side of the story and my own reality. I finally am not taking the blame to keep the peace. I don’t care about trying to use reason and logic to get her to see it my way - despite how high performing she is in her career. I am tired of telling my therapist that I can’t leave because I love her too much and worry about her mental health….that I got into this eyes wide open. I am tired of feeling guilty about the whole through sickness and in health thing. I am tired of friends and family asking if I’m okay and saying I don’t seem like myself.

I can go on about the last decade of my life and all the things I’ve ignored and argued with. I can tell all the ways I researched and agonized over hoping to make it work. I don’t I think I am giving up and I don’t care anymore. I’ve been here before and panicked and given in. But this time, I realize I am slowly dying.

And there’s been attempts to engage but I just can’t do it. I don’t recognize myself. I am angry and bitter. I have no patience. I don’t care about not cross complaining or insulting or name calling. And worst of all, I feel bad that I don’t care anymore.

I’m not here looking to justify my behavior or to feel better about not caring. I am looking to express my sadness about losing hope and the dream of a life I once thought was possible. I am trying to accept that I made I promise I can’t keep. And that as of right now, I have no motivation to continue a relationship with the person I consider to be the love of my life.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Me88]

Dang, I could have written this. I remember the screaming, insults, being chased around the house (even following her room to room so I could explain my side of things). The gaslighting, ignoring and not loving her...that's projection. She does these things and when they don't work on you, she just gets defensive and places all blame on you. It's even worse when they're professional successful and wear a good social mask. It sucks when friends and family can see you deteriorating as well.

You seem 'done'. Once you entertain the arguments, don't care about yelling back, insulting back, etc. things start to spiral. That's where I got to as well. You probably are slowly dying, that's a real thing.

You don't have to justify anything, reactive abuse is very guilt inducing. Is she in therapy? Couples counseling? Therapy will help you navigate your reality, but she really needs individual help as well.

[Under The Bridge]

We can all relate to everything you've written as BPD is one of the most predictable illnesses in the way it plays out - it's exactly like a pre-written script in how it starts out so wonderfully then descends a repeating cycle of illogical chaos.

We've all tried to understand it and find the 'magic formula' which will enable us to cope and lessen the impact but, without the BPD seeking professional help - after first admitting they have a problem and being prepared to stick to prescribed treatment - nothing will change. Some realise this in a relatively short time, some take far longer.  It's amazing how logical people like ourselves can become guilt-ridden and believe that we are responsibe in some way. Not helped by the BPD always playing the victim.

After we exhaust all our natural guilt feelings and realise that none of it is our fault, then we can begin to heal. We can only be responsible for ourselves and we owe it to ourselves to stay healthy - especially mentally. My four-year BPD relationship was the most frustrating and massively draining experience I've ever had. Friends noticed changes in my normal happy-go-lucky attitude and how it had changed since starting the relationship, as I was living on a knife-edge all the time, always wondering when her next episode would be.. and knowing that there would be more episodes.

After her worse outburst, I finally saw the light and realised the good times were far outnumbered by the bad times so I never chased her again as I always did in the past and she knew it. She couldn't end the cycle so the only one who could was me.

[ForeverDad]

Over on our Tools & Skills Workshops board we have a topic Grieving our Losses which discusses that it is a winding path back and forth before we Accept and fully deal with the loss, in this case, of a doomed relationship.

If you are married, this will require a divorce to unwind the relationship.  If you have children together then you will need family court to set a court order (Boundaries) on overall custody and parenting schedules.  If you share ownership of property, financial accounts, credit cards, debts, etc then those too will have to be split or closed.  Some matters are simple though the ex will almost certainly make it painful to accomplish.  Others, such as having children, remain as relationships into the far future.

We have another board here focused on the practical details and issues of unwinding a relationship.  Meanwhile, you are here and you can take as long as necessary to determine whether or not your relationship can be salvaged.  As difficult as it has been in recent years, you have reached a point of Acceptance that - as we hear at the start of every air flight - in the event of an emergency, YOU must put on your own oxygen mask before trying to help others.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you've come to the point of feeling like you're dying inside.  Maybe you feel like you're dying on the outside as well, because the stress of an antagonistic relationship erodes your very health and well-being.

It's sad to say, but after reading these boards it's increasingly clear that untreated BPD relationships are extremely one-sided, all take and no give.  Expectations regarding your performance are extremely high, you get precious little leeway, and she's always disappointed.  It's like you're living a Miranda warning:  anything you say and do, can and will be used against you.  As you walk on eggshells trying to avoid triggering her, she might turn around and accuse you of being aloof, morose, unloving, controlling, narcissistic, hateful, good-for-nothing, lazy, toxic, incompetent, boring or plain ugly.  But if you engage, the worst comes out and she explodes.  She's allowed to insult you, berate you, control you, and lose her cool, but if you defend yourself, if you point out some of her toxic behaviors, she spirals out of control.  It's a Catch-22, you lose no matter what you do, because the "rules" are rigged against you.  She demands complete control and infringes on your freedom to live your life, have friends or enjoy leisure time.  You're exhausted from playing on an uneven playing field.  Any more cliches that I've missed?  To make matters worse, she's smart and can appear eminently competent, even loving, whenever she wants to.  That makes you see the best in her, and you hold out some hope, only to find it dashed repeatedly.  You suffer from emotional whiplash on top of everything else.  To protect yourself, you tell yourself that you don't care, and you start to feel numb sometimes.  But you do care, because it's your life.  Does that sound about right?  Hemingway described bankruptcy as happening gradually, then suddenly.  Maybe that applies to relationship bankruptcy as well.  Does that feel true in your case?  Or maybe this "last straw" isn't a last straw, but rather a clear signal that you need to take some time to devote to self-care, to ensure you're able to think straight before acting on impulse?

I guess I'm just trying to validate your feeling down and numb.  Living with someone with untreated BPD is really tough, even if she's high functioning in certain respects.  Look, your home is supposed to be a sanctuary, and if all you come home to is strife and accusations, it can really wear you down over time.  You might start to feel alienated from friends, family, and even yourself.  If you can't rely on your partner to support you, then you have no choice but to rely on yourself.  You deserve to prioritize your health and well-being.  Only you can determine how best to achieve that.

All my best to you.

[cynp]

How many of us are quietly living the same life? I have found i am loosing myself as well. Things I once cared for and loved to do honestly seem to much to get involved with anymore. I feel as i'm just trying to hold the lid on a bubbling pot at all times. I never had a good self image anyway (I think many BPD partners can say the same thats why we are in the boat we are), and its hard to be told such contrasting tihu=ngs from one day to the next and depending on how bad they are from one hour to the next. To be loved one hour, totally de-valued the next and then at the end of the day just be expected to forget it all hapened. I feel broken in many ways.