How to stop oversharing during a divorce

[mildseasonpan]

I’ve been quietly preparing to file for divorce, keeping it hidden from udxBPDH due to DV concerns.

I’m having trouble mentally preparing for the deluge of controlling questions that he’s going to ask about how long I’ve been planning this, what I plan to do in the future, why I’m doing it, what exactly every person in my life does and doesn’t know, etc. I know I’ll struggle switching from my default model of always telling the truth and overexplaining everything to only sharing what he needs to know.

Also, when he feels attacked he gets very controlling and my trauma response is to totally give in and do/say whatever he wants. I expect he’ll try to drain every morsel of info from me so he can turn it around to control me.

For anyone who’s gone through it, did you have canned responses to controlling questions?

[GaGrl]

While canned responses can be helpful (repeat ad nauseam infinitum), the DV aspect is worth discussing with your lawyer. Depending on what has happened before, you might want to file for a protection order at the same time the divorce is filed, then thereafter communicate only through your lawyers.

[PeteWitsend]

...
For anyone who’s gone through it, did you have canned responses to controlling questions?

It might help to know the circumstances.  are you going to have to continue cohabitating with him during the divorce process?

Do you think he might get violent?  Knowing it's ending, could he escalate conflict out of a desperate desire to change the outcome?  

He's probably going to treat anything you say as an "opportunity" for him to rewrite the script and get you to do what he wants, so the best option is not to play the game with him at all.  Simply refuse to talk about it.  

In my case, I didn't respond to anything she asked.  For one thing, we were now, or shortly would be, in an adversarial proceeding in court.  Anything I said could and would be used against me! For another thing... why?  This person was never honest or up front with me, and was extremely manipulative & nasty to me throughout our marriage.  Why did I owe her ANYTHING?  And why did I think anything I said would help?  She would badmouth me regardless of whether I gave her an answer or treated her fairly.  

I think if you're not in the same room with them, you can just ignore them.

You could also just say something like "It's over.  I'm not talking about it.  Nothing we say is going to change how this ends."  Maybe you could offer something like "After it's finalized, if I feel like talking about it, maybe then."

Keep the proverbial door shut.  Don't give in to weaselly attempts to get something out of you... once you start talking, they'll start gaslighting, and the cycle starts again.  

[TelHill]

I went through with a divorce from a BPD man and experienced DV. I called 911 and he was arrested.  He never returned so I  filed.   Unfortunately, he stalked me. You should prepare yourself for that possibility.  Men like this consider you their property. They won't leave quietly.

I agree with GaGirl to talk with a lawyer and to best prepare yourself to keep safe while you tell him. The most dangerous time for a DV victim is when they break up with their abuser.

The Women's Law Project might be able to assist you too. They attorneys dedicated to women with DV in their relationships. They've helped countless people stay safe.
https://www.womenslaw.org/

IME, there's nothing to explain. They know why you're breaking it off. Again, get all the help you can to extricate yourself from this person safely.

[mildseasonpan]

While canned responses can be helpful (repeat ad nauseam infinitum), the DV aspect is worth discussing with your lawyer. Depending on what has happened before, you might want to file for a protection order at the same time the divorce is filed, then thereafter communicate only through your lawyers.

I’ve discussed it with my lawyer. I wouldn’t be able to get a proactive OOP given the circumstances.  I will be prepared to seek an OOP depending on how he reacts but I don’t know if it will go down that way.

[mildseasonpan]

It might help to know the circumstances.  are you going to have to continue cohabitating with him during the divorce process?

I don’t know. I’d like him to move out as he can’t afford our rent on his own. He’ll have trouble finding stable housing or income. He’s so unpredictable I’m having a hard time seeing how any of this will play out.

Do you think he might get violent?  Knowing it's ending, could he escalate conflict out of a desperate desire to change the outcome?  

Possibly. In extreme situations he’s been verbally abusive, yelling, breaking inanimate objects, made false accusations, threatened and at one point attempted to have our kids taken away from me. He’s never been physically violent against me or our kids, but has gotten into bar fights and such, and seems to enjoy the idea of physical violence far too much for my comfort. He might go completely psychotic, or seeing that I’m lawyered up he could realize that will work against him and just direct all his rage into using the court system to take me down. I really don’t know.

You could also just say something like "It's over.  I'm not talking about it.  Nothing we say is going to change how this ends."  Maybe you could offer something like "After it's finalized, if I feel like talking about it, maybe then."

This is helpful. I think I will also brainstorm possible things he will say or do and then write down how I want to respond to it. I have trouble thinking on my feet and I will feel far less panicked going into this if I’m prepared on how to respond to various scenarios.

Thank you so much for your thoughts.

[ForeverDad]

Divorce will be more complicated since there will be custody or parenting issues that need to be dealt with.  Typically the first appearance in court will result in a quick and basic temp order.  Your task and your lawyer's task will be to get the "least bad" temp order since most temp order seem to continue without modification until the divorce ends with a final decree.  If your lawyer hasn't reviewed such preparations with you, are you confident you have a lawyer adequately experienced to deal with our sorts of divorces that can easily take a year or even longer?

Divorce these days is, sadly, not that uncommon and so you should not be feeling obligated to explain yourself.  Even family or domestic court will not obligate you to explain why you file for divorce.  All a judge and the surrounding professionals will do is passively referee and guide you two through the process.  They will judge neither of you for divorcing nor will they try to talk you out of divorcing.  Too, they will not try to "fix" either of you.

An insight to learn well here is that court will deal with each party as they are... to a large extent the typical passive guidance (court order) will be to set basic boundaries in place especially during the divorce process.

In short, you are not required to "explain yourself".  You are both adults.  You have every right to decline sharing reasons, feelings, etc.   Likely your lawyer has already instructed you that sharing information can result in your spouse sabotaging you in unexpected ways.  (Believe us, most here found out the hard and expensive way that sharing too much information - TMI - enabled the soon to be ex - stbEx - to obstruct us or sabotage our plans.)

The problem is that all of us here are reasonably normal persons and we take pride that we are sharing and helpful persons.  But when facing divorce, and especially divorce from a person displaying BPD traits or other acting-out behaviors, we need to keep a lid on that otherwise excellent urge to share.

Your Boundary needs to be to refuse to share any information that is inappropriate now that the relationship is ending.  Resist the natural tendency to feel obligated or guilty, no matter what the other does to coerce or intimidate you.

What you can share are basic things your lawyer would agree with such as food planning, parenting details, handling needed financial bills and payments, and such things.  Anything "off the beaten path" or that make you feel pressured or guilted likely is going to set off the alarm bells of your newfound Boundaries.

And, no, ex cannot claim that if you don't answer then the court or society will judge you badly.  Court won't care one iota whether you are fair or not.  You have a right to privacy and confidentiality.  Though I will add here that officialdom might possibly care if you're nasty.

Part of your lawyer's job that you paid him/her to do is to protect you from stbEx's interrogations and you are within your rights to defer responses.  "Ask my lawyer" or "I will have to ask my lawyer how to respond" is totally acceptable.  (Unfortunately, asking your lawyer how to respond to every little issue is quite expensive.)

And if DV is even a remote risk, then have Plan A, Plan B, etc.  Privately stashing a Go bag with a nearby trusted friend or relative is a smart idea.  Include some cash, clothes, spare set of keys, and other necessaries.

[ForeverDad]

In extreme situations he’s been verbally abusive, yelling, breaking inanimate objects, made false accusations, threatened and at one point attempted to have our kids taken away from me.

In some areas breaking things in the home can be considered a form of DV or intimidation.  Ask your lawyer about that.  Whether such incidents might be legally actionable may also depend on how recent such incidents were.  I recall when I was listing my ex's incidents and the dates they occurred the magistrate stopped me when I went back further than six months.  Apparently older incidents are viewed as legally "stale" and not actionable, otherwise I should have reported them sooner.

If your spouse has threatened to have the kids taken away from you, then likely he will make unsubstantiated allegations any time before or after you file the paperwork.  My ex made so many allegations that eventually even the caseworkers came to consider them as not credible.  But it didn't stop my ex from trying.  There is a saying, "If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, then it will happen given enough time."

William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a most excellent handbook to help you avoid common legal pitfalls while ending a BPD relationship.  Again, if you obtain this inexpensive book, do so privately and confidentially.  This insight is for you, not your ex.