DV Therapy

[Anonymous22]

My uBPDh has to partake in court mandated DV therapy, on top of his weekly DBT therapy.  Since starting his DV therapy, I have noticed a large shift in him, namely, he seems more angry than prior to starting this therapy, which has shifted his cycles.  It has only been about 3 weeks, so I am still trying to get used to the shift in his cycles.  For example, starting last Thursday, he refused to be anywhere close to me moving seats away from our family when at our son's school performance, etc; his texts to me are extremely rude with the underlying tone that he doesn't have time for communicating with me (even though my questions to him have to do with our kids the majority of the time);  he asked me to "please stop" when I sent my usual "good night" text as I don't like going to bed without saying good night (we are currently living separately while he goes through his DV therapy) so I stopped, but he is now, starting yesterday, sending "Good morning, Love you" texts to me, my daughter and my stepdaughter every morning, which is coming out of nowhere and it is very strange as my stepdaughter was with him this morning so I am sure was sitting right next to him on the way to school when this was sent.  Does anyone here have any experience with a loved one in DV therapy.  I have done some research and it sounds like the requirements for "graduation" are great, but I'm not sure that I believe that one could make such drastic changes in a relatively short amount of time, 6 months to a year is what I have read is the general time frame.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi Anonymous22 ,

I have read some of your past messages. It seems like things have gotten worse, and now you are separated, right?

I think that living separately gives you the best opportunity to work out your conflict. By using boundaries to prevent yourself from reacting, you must try to make your conversations positive, and then hopefully you'll be able to have useful interactions (in which he is not dysregulated).

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like in your post you were taking the "I love you" as a possible sign of being cured of his anger? Wasn't that being said frequently when you both lived together? It should.

Please keep in mind that if he has BPD or any other personality disorder, the DV therapy won't fix that. This therapy is only intended to make them reflect on their actions and hopefully feel guilty and accountable. It's just trying to make them see and rethink what they did and how that affects their relationships. But if his pattern comes from a personality disorder, it won't change so easily. There are many subtle ways of being abusive that do not get him in trouble with the law.

If you remain separated, I hope you can gradually resolve all of your conflicts before attempting to live together again.