frustrated

[BPDstinks]

would anyone have a similar issue? my 24 y/o daughter (pw/BPD) has had minimal contact with me (father, sister, nieces) for nearly 3 years, with the exception of texts when she needs something; I still have her on our cell phone policy and insurance plan;  she moved (from the apartment I co-signed for her, prior to her BPD diagnosis and her "requested" estrangement"; I am sad to report, other than my mother (her grandmother) telling me, a general location, I do not know where pwBPD lives; I just received a phone call from my insurance company that she is going to be dropped from my insurance because she does not live at my address (I guess because I was the co-signer): I tried to text pwBPD; she blocked me....the thought of pwBPD having no insurance scares me....but the insurance company promised they tried to call her MANY times....I am now stressing....I hate that I am always stressing; does anyone DO this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

My adult BPD stepdaughter would act in much the same way.  I think the reality is that since your daughter never took care of the insurance herself, she doesn't value it at all.  If she's anything like my stepdaughter, she's barely aware that insurance even exists, because her parents would always take care of her bills and most of her administrative matters.  I could talk about the importance of insurance until I was blue in the face, but in HER world, her dad signed the contracts and paid the bills, and she didn't have to worry about things like leases, tuition, insurance, utilities, taxes, etc.

For example, I explained to my BPD stepdaughter on multiple occasions that in order to sign a lease, landlords will require deposits and proof of income that's typically three times the amount of the rent.  I gave her an example:  if she wanted an apartment that cost $1,000 per month, she'd have to show pay stubs to prove she earns $3,000 a month.  Even though I told her that several times, she just didn't get it.  She had to learn for herself, the hard way.  Not long ago, she wanted to move to a new state on her own with no job lined up, and she tried to sign a lease on her own.  She was devastated when she was rejected for insufficient income and a bad credit record.  But guess what?  She recovered, and she learned.  Sometimes I think that the best way to learn is to do things oneself, and not expect parental lectures to have any impact whatsoever, until they are "ready" to listen, namely when they specifically ask about how to go about doing something.

I think that what you can do is . . . nothing.  Let your daughter learn the consequences of not having insurance.  I think you'll be surprised at how quickly she corrects course and buys some insurance when she's the one who faces the consequences.  If it's car insurance you're talking about, in most states, she won't be able to renew her car registration without it.

Hang in there, your daughter is only 24; the administrative side of adult life is likely still very foreign to her.  But if she's of even average intelligence, she'll figure it out on her own, as soon as she faces a real-life consequence of her actions.  If she's confused, she could call a friend or a trusted adult for help, probably anyone but you, because she might be too embarrassed.  I bet she'll only call or text you for money, like my stepdaughter tends to do.

I'll wrap up with this.  Now when my BPD stepdaughter calls her dad and asks/begs/cries for help, I might ask my husband, "Is she asking you to do something for her that she should be doing for herself?  If you always do whatever she asks, aren't you preventing her from learning an important life skill?  Look, she's a full-fledged adult now.  Your role needs to change, from that of PROVIDER to ADVISER/cheerleader.  Instead of jumping in and solving her problem like you usually do, why don't you offer reassurance and guidance?  You know she can do this, if you just give her a little extra time to figure it out.  She'll feel so accomplished once she solves this problem herself!  I know it stresses you out to see her struggle, but trust me, the struggle will be worth it when she discovers that she can handle it.  Just give her time and loving guidance, but don't do it FOR her, or she'll never build the confidence she desperately craves."

Good luck.