I broke NC and now I'm devastated

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was doing so well.  Genuinely feeling peace. But I caved and broke no contact.

I am worse off than I have been in a very long time.

This time my pwBPD cautiously open the conversation door but within a couple of hours of talking indicated an interest in trying again.  I replied cautiously and questioned their ability to do so.  They started off sweet, kind, interested, wanting to plan face-to-face time, etc. (as totally expected) and talk about specific concerns they had. BUT the disassociation and discard happened in under 3 days time this time with paragraphs of everything I've ever done wrong in our relationship, how they no longer respect me, how they haven't been able to look me in the eye for almost a year, how this is the most f'd up relationship they've ever been in, that I can f-off and die. Claimed our relationship wasn't worth salvaging because it was only a 6 never a 10. (Nevermind we were engaged and pregnant and he wrote love poetry about it) - then ended the tirade by blocking me absolutely everywhere possible with these final words:

"I blocked because I refuse to deal with any excessive drama that I don't otherwise need to. I deal with enough drama in real life with you.  I chose to live in a bubble; I only have friends because I don't have a woman. If I had a woman I would have no need for friends."

I simply said:

"Ok"
"Goodnight"

Then my pwBPD responded:
"Night Miss"
"I sure wish what was important to you was important to me and vice versa"
"And I love you too"

Then the hard block

I was doing so well, but now I'm just more devastated than ever because he basically minimized and made a mockery of everything we had as terrible, awful, a waste of time.  AND while I know he's incapable of managing his emotions, if felt calculated and cold.  I've never felt calculated harm or indifference from him before.

Prior to contact he had told a mutual friend he was out of state and would get back to them in the spring - this aligned with the goals of the original break-up because "I (me) can't leave this life to join him and that isn't helping him meet his life goals" I'm dragging him down.  During the tirade, he asked if I thought what he told our mutual friend was "funny" so what I thought had probably been testing to see if I'd respond / interest in me,  now feels like intent to harm with a "ha ha look at how I'm living the life you can't have"  except that every part of what he told them was a lie and he's still stuck here.

To end by saying I LOVE YOU TOO?!!!!!!!  (I'm aware that it doesn't have to make sense) I just wish I could feel certain that at some point he did love me and all the hate and minimizations aren't true (but they probably are for him in the moment) ... that it mean something because by god it meant something to me.


Thanks for listening.

[athena wanderer]

I was doing so well.  Genuinely feeling peace. But I caved and broke no contact.

I am worse off than I have been in a very long time.

This time my pwBPD cautiously open the conversation door but within a couple of hours of talking indicated an interest in trying again.  I replied cautiously and questioned their ability to do so.  They started off sweet, kind, interested, wanting to plan face-to-face time, etc. (as totally expected) and talk about specific concerns they had. BUT the disassociation and discard happened in under 3 days time this time with paragraphs of everything I've ever done wrong in our relationship, how they no longer respect me, how they haven't been able to look me in the eye for almost a year, how this is the most f'd up relationship they've ever been in, that I can f-off and die. Claimed our relationship wasn't worth salvaging because it was only a 6 never a 10. (Nevermind we were engaged and pregnant and he wrote love poetry about it) - then ended the tirade by blocking me absolutely everywhere possible with these final words:

"I blocked because I refuse to deal with any excessive drama that I don't otherwise need to. I deal with enough drama in real life with you.  I chose to live in a bubble; I only have friends because I don't have a woman. If I had a woman I would have no need for friends."

I simply said:

"Ok"
"Goodnight"

Then my pwBPD responded:
"Night Miss"
"I sure wish what was important to you was important to me and vice versa"
"And I love you too"

Then the hard block

I was doing so well, but now I'm just more devastated than ever because he basically minimized and made a mockery of everything we had as terrible, awful, a waste of time.  AND while I know he's incapable of managing his emotions, if felt calculated and cold.  I've never felt calculated harm or indifference from him before.

Prior to contact he had told a mutual friend he was out of state and would get back to them in the spring - this aligned with the goals of the original break-up because "I (me) can't leave this life to join him and that isn't helping him meet his life goals" I'm dragging him down.  During the tirade, he asked if I thought what he told our mutual friend was "funny" so what I thought had probably been testing to see if I'd respond / interest in me,  now feels like intent to harm with a "ha ha look at how I'm living the life you can't have"  except that every part of what he told them was a lie and he's still stuck here.

To end by saying I LOVE YOU TOO?!!!!!!!  (I'm aware that it doesn't have to make sense) I just wish I could feel certain that at some point he did love me and all the hate and minimizations aren't true (but they probably are for him in the moment) ... that it mean something because by god it meant something to me.


Thanks for listening.

[Pook075]

First off- I'm so sorry.  My breakup with my BPD ex-wife went pretty much the same way.  We'd get together and things were good.  Yet somehow, the next day, she's telling me that I'm a horrible person who always betrayed her and she'd bring up things from 20 years ago. 

It's so hard because it just doesn't make any sense.

Here's what happens through a BPD lens though.  You make contact, they get excited, things are going good, and then a little voice in the back of their head says, "You're playing with fire...remember when she did this, this and that!?!"  So they start having conversations within their minds examining all the evidence...most of which is not being recalled accurately...and they come to the conclusion that this person they loved so much is out to ruin their entire existence.

Why?  Because BPD is a serious mental illness and the people who see the worst of it are the people they love the most...because that's also the people they'll have the most conflict with.

Him saying he loves you is absolutely true- that was his way of trying to say goodbye in a kind way.  It's heartbreaking because he's his own worst enemy and everything he said was to chase you away so he didn't have to face his internal fears.  He probably didn't mean 90% of it...that's just how a BPD protects themselves.

At least you know now what future interactions will bring.  Please understand that this wasn't you, this is 100% a mental illness thing.  I'm so sorry you're hurting and I hope you can find what's next quickly.  Please continue to talk this out!

[codeawsome]

First off- I'm so sorry.  My breakup with my BPD ex-wife went pretty much the same way.  We'd get together and things were good.  Yet somehow, the next day, she's telling me that I'm a horrible person who always betrayed her and she'd bring up things from 20 years ago. 

It's so hard because it just doesn't make any sense.

Here's what happens through a BPD lens though.  You make contact, they get excited, things are going good, and then a little voice in the back of their head says, "You're playing with fire...remember when she did this, this and that!?!"  So they start having conversations within their minds examining all the evidence...most of which is not being recalled accurately...and they come to the conclusion that this person they loved so much is out to ruin their entire existence.

Why?  Because BPD is a serious mental illness and the people who see the worst of it are the people they love the most...because that's also the people they'll have the most conflict with.

Him saying he loves you is absolutely true- that was his way of trying to say goodbye in a kind way.  It's heartbreaking because he's his own worst enemy and everything he said was to chase you away so he didn't have to face his internal fears.  He probably didn't mean 90% of it...that's just how a BPD protects themselves.

At least you know now what future interactions will bring.  Please understand that this wasn't you, this is 100% a mental illness thing.  I'm so sorry you're hurting and I hope you can find what's next quickly.  Please continue to talk this out!

Reading through these posts sometimes this hit so close to home. I think this is where the tragedy lies. The hurt part of me wants to think there was no love. However I do feel like even with my ex there was a lot of it. That's why I got the brunt of the BPD. It's really sad. Such a counter intuitive type of disorder.

My ex also said random things looking back as "reasons". It was most likely because she wanted to just push me away in any way possible. It's really sad. Unfortunate.

Wish there was a magical cure for something like this haha.

[Pook075]

Reading through these posts sometimes this hit so close to home. I think this is where the tragedy lies. The hurt part of me wants to think there was no love. However I do feel like even with my ex there was a lot of it. That's why I got the brunt of the BPD. It's really sad. Such a counter intuitive type of disorder.

My ex also said random things looking back as "reasons". It was most likely because she wanted to just push me away in any way possible. It's really sad. Unfortunate.

Wish there was a magical cure for something like this haha.

Definitely no magical cure; it's more like dealing with someone's phobia (heights, spiders, etc).  They might know logically that the spider is not going to harm them, yet something in their mind screams to panic, run, shout, fight, and 100 other things. 

BPDs go through the same thing.  In their minds, they're the victim of something terrible...which is true (mental illness).  But they can't accept that because of mental illness, so their minds try to blame everyone and everything around them.  What's the most likely problem? The people they're closest to- it has to be them because that explains why they're so mentally unbalanced all the time. 

When they're with someone new (that doesn't realize they're mentally ill), everything feels great.  When they're near loved ones, they feel lousy because real life and all their problems are there.  So why not just toss everything aside and chase the new person since it feels so wonderful?!?

Only, that only fixes things temporarily, because eventually BPD shows up and everything repeats itself.  So this happens over and over and over again.

The fix, if we can even call it that, is to continually build enough trust so things never reach that meltdown stage where everything is thrown away.  Yet, that's the hardest thing to do in a BPD relationship because it takes vulnerability on both sides.  BPDs hide their feelings and often deny where they even come from in the first place.  So it's always an uphill battle.

My BPD ex wife cheated on me and left me for those same reasons- she was happy there, she wasn't happy at home.  But I genuinely believe that she never meant to hurt me and she never had any ill intent; she's just really sick and made some horrible choices due to mental illness and disordered thinking. 

For us to have a chance at reconciling, she'd have to overcome 20+ years of disordered thoughts that I knew very little about.  There were moments when she'd reach out for attention, but it wasn't too long before she scared herself away once again by what she thought would inevitably happen. 

And it sucks, every part of it is horrible, but that's severe mental illness for you.

Make no mistake though, I believe BPDs love unconditionally until a part of their brain tells them to run.  It's exactly like being fearful of a spider or a snake, and their brains are telling them that you're a deadly species.

[Under The Bridge]

The fix, if we can even call it that, is to continually build enough trust so things never reach that meltdown stage where everything is thrown away.

This was the part I found utterly impossible to achieve; no matter how much love and care was shown and no matter how far I went out of my way to reassure her, I knew any 'peace' and semblance of a normal relationship was always temporary. I reassure her on one thing, which she would seemingly accept.. only for her to destruct over something else.

Even her family, friends and people who knew us from the many places we went to were unable to convince her I was genuine. Nothing gets through to the BPD mind once they've become fixed on their own thoughts.

It was when she started blaming me for things that I wasn't even present for - like her having a bad day at work, argument with her mother at home, etc - that I knew the relationship would never work. I was never seen as someone who would support her against the world who she should have turned to, in her mind I was always the cause of her problems.

Once you've decided things are truly over, it's vital to stay NC. I almost caved many times but I just reminded myself that if I did, we'd have a week of harmony then the cracks would show again as the cycle restarted.

You have to get out of the 'maybe this time it will be different' thoughts. Without treatment, there will be no difference. The BPD partner will continue as normal but you will be mentally driven down harder than you were before.

[Pook075]

This was the part I found utterly impossible to achieve; no matter how much love and care was shown and no matter how far I went out of my way to reassure her, I knew any 'peace' and semblance of a normal relationship was always temporary. I reassure her on one thing, which she would seemingly accept.. only for her to destruct over something else.

Even her family, friends and people who knew us from the many places we went to were unable to convince her I was genuine. Nothing gets through to the BPD mind once they've become fixed on their own thoughts.

Yeah, I've been in that position with my ex and my daughter (both BPD).  I broke through with my kid and we no longer do that dance anymore.  With my ex, we're on speaking terms and she realizes a lot was in her head, but there's still parts there that would never be fixed.  And what it boiled down to was the distorted things she told herself for years that she never shared with anyone. 

Not the arguments, mind you, but the deeper stuff that actually mattered to her (her insecurities, fears, etc).  It was never spoken so there was no way to overcome it.

That stuff can be fixed over time with a whole lot of patience and empathy, but I felt God leading me in another direction and I didn't fight it.  I'm happy for the good memories (raising kids, vacations, holidays, family, etc) and I'm also happy that's not my life anymore.  I had no idea how dysfunctional our relationship actually was.