Talking stage gone silent

[MaxJesus]

So I’ve been talking to a girl long-distance for about three months. She has BPD and across the state. We met at a bar when I was traveling, had an amazing night, stayed in touch, and things kept getting better. She used to call me every night, was super affectionate, and eventually I drove out to see her for a few days. The visit went really well.

After I came back home, I noticed she wasn’t initiating calls as much. She’d still answer and stay on the phone for a long time, still warm and affectionate, just not starting things like she used to.

Then she had a health issue come up, and I tried to be as supportive as possible. Out of nowhere she went completely silent but after a few days liked a few of my social media post. After about a week I reached out with a calm, supportive message, she replied warmly, apologized, asked how I’d been, but didn’t really explain the silence beyond being busy, I  didn’t push it.

We texted for a few days. Then I got busy with friends one day and didn’t reply as quickly. The next day she went quiet again, saying she’d just been in bed all day, and eventually it turned back into total silence. It’s been several days now.

I’m confused about how to handle this.
I’m not sure if:
   1.   I should reach out again
   2.   I should give her more space
   3.   Or if this is her way of ending things without saying it.

For anyone who’s dated someone with BPD or who has BPD themselves,  what’s the right move here? I want to respect her space but I also don’t want to enable unhealthy patterns.

Any advice is appreciated.

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[MaxJesus]

So I’ve been talking to a girl long-distance for about three months. She has BPD and lives across the state. We met at a bar when I was traveling, had an amazing night, stayed in touch, and things kept getting better. She used to call me every night, was super affectionate, and eventually I drove out to see her for a few days. The visit went really well.

After I came back home, I noticed she wasn’t initiating calls as much. She’d still answer and stay on the phone for a long time, still warm and affectionate, just not starting things like she used to.

Then she had a health issue come up, and I tried to be as supportive as possible. Out of nowhere she went completely silent but after a few days liked a few of my social media post. After about a week I reached out with a calm, supportive message, she replied warmly, apologized, asked how I’d been, but didn’t really explain the silence beyond being busy, I  didn’t push it.

We texted for a few days. Then I got busy with friends one day and didn’t reply as quickly. The next day she went quiet again, saying she’d just been in bed all day, and eventually it turned back into total silence. It’s been several days now.

I’m confused about how to handle this.
I’m not sure if:
   1.   I should reach out again
   2.   I should give her more space
   3.   Or if this is her way of ending things without saying it.

For anyone who’s dated someone with BPD or who has BPD themselves,  what’s the right move here? I want to respect her space but I also don’t want to enable unhealthy patterns.

Any advice is appreciated.

[Under The Bridge]

Hi and welcome.

If you've read the many posts here you'll see her actions are pretty standard for someone with BPD. Most of the time they themselves don't know what they want and they can switch very rapidly between wanting to know you and then wanting nothing to do with you, no matter how well you've treated them. It's all part of their illness and their distorted way of seeing things.

Sometimes by leaving them alone we're doing the wrong thing - as they want the attention - but they can also feel overwhelmed if we contact them too much, and this pushes them away even further.  BPD is often a no-win situation where everything we do is misunderstood, no matter how well intended. It really is very frustrating, as we've all found.

A middle approach would be the most logical action; let her know you're there for her but don't keep messaging and drive her away.  Bottom line  is.. she'll only come back if she wants to, and that might be just on a whim and you could - and probably will - have the same thing happen time and time again as BPD is an extremely repetitive illness as they're stuck in a 'love you / hate you' cycle.

If you're happy that you've done all you can then after you've reached out you'll just have to wait and see what happens. It's impossible to predict a BPD's actions but we can all hope for the best.

Best wishes, keep us informed of any developments, we're here for you.