Holiday reflections

[CC43]

Hello everyone,

I'm grateful for this community, which helps me process the behaviors of some disordered family members, and provides all sorts of tips to help cope and relate better with loved ones.

As a recap, I have an adult stepdaughter with BPD who has turned her life around with therapy.  She still struggles with "adulting," perhaps partially because she lost a bunch of formative, young-adult years to dealing with BPD dysfunction.  But she's making real progress.  It's hard to see her struggle, but she's the type of person who has to learn the "hard way" sometimes.  I guess I'd say an ongoing issue for her has been avoidance.  She's so afraid of stress, obligations and making mistakes that she tends to avoid a lot of things, to her own detriment.  She procrastinates a lot.  She'll start something with good intentions, but it seems she often doesn't follow through.  She gets discouraged very easily, and she seems to get confused by or hung up on the pesky details of real life.  She'll cycle through periods of no contact.  I guess the good news is that she's not completely "derailed" like she used to be.  For the last couple of years, she has managed to handle setbacks much better.

Anyway, I had a little hope this year that she'd join me, her dad, aunt, uncle and grandma for Thanksgiving dinner.  However, she didn't come.  This means she's still avoiding contact with supposedly "toxic" extended family members.  I guess the good news is this:  the day before Thanksgiving, she called her dad and said she wouldn't be joining us, but that she'd celebrate Friendsgiving instead.  I really appreciated that courtesy, because her typical M.O. is to leave us hanging, wondering if she'll show up.  Complete silence from her typically indicates that she's off the rails, as well as being passive-aggressively cruel to her dad and me, as we have bent over backwards, forwards and sideways to help her through the years.  I think the fact that she had arranged for a Friendsgiving is cool (I want to give her the benefit of the doubt--I can never be certain if she's just making things up as an excuse).  Even better, she actually called her dad on Thanksgiving Day, and she took a couple of minutes to wish her aunt and grandma a happy holiday.  Notably, my stepdaughter conversed briefly with her dear aunt, whom she had declared "toxic" in the past.  So that's a huge step in the right direction, in my humble opinion.

Even so, I doubt my stepdaughter will make an appearance at Christmas, when her siblings are visiting, because I think she feels upstaged by them.  She's been estranged from them for several years, claiming that they abused her.  I imagine she won't be ready for a reconciliation until she establishes her identity as an adult, and she can adopt a new, more optimistic narrative instead of clinging onto the "abusive childhood" one.  Right now, I think she feels too much insecurity and shame to face her siblings.  By the same token, I imagine her siblings are feeling some resentment, as a lot of family resources and attention have been devoted to their BPD sister.  It might not be the worst thing if she doesn't show up on Christmas Day, just so we can focus more attention on the other adult children.  But I'm certain my husband is fed up with the holidays feeling like a fragile Jenga tower . . . where one tiny wrong move, accommodation or comment brings everything tumbling down into a mess.  I think he just wants to be able to relax and enjoy it.  Wouldn't that be nice?

Anyway, during the Thanksgiving festivities, I had some alone time with my mother-in-law.  I confess I've never felt comfortable with her, and I couldn't put my finger on why.  She's intelligent and courteous, and though she's elderly and old-fashioned, she can be engaging when she wants to be.  I know she's not very comfortable leaving her home, and I completely understand that in someone her age.  But that shouldn't be a reason for my unease with her.  After talking with her for an hour, it finally hit me:  our personalities are complete opposites.  She's a dreamer, and I'm a doer.  During our conversation, she was talking exclusively about fantastical things:  winning the lottery, getting married again (at 80+, after more than five decades being single), moving homes, hosting parties, starting to paint again, selling artwork at galleries, playing music professionally for the first time.  Since I'm a doer, my default inclination is to ask details about these musings, with the notion of helping devise a plan and considering how to overcome obstacles.  But then I realized, she has no intention whatsoever of making her dreams come true; she just enjoys dreaming for its own sake.  Meanwhile, I'm thinking, it feels ridiculous to fantasize, and desire such unrealistic, sometimes wasteful things (especially the lottery); the entire conversation was frustrating for me, because from a practical, doer's perspective, failure and needless expense are guaranteed.

And then another realization hit me:  my BPD stepdaughter resembles her grandma.  She's artistic, and she's a dreamer too.  Over the years, she's dreamed of doing many things:  becoming a model, an artist, an internet influencer, a huminatarian.  She's dreamed of moving abroad, moving to a big city, volunteering in Gaza(!?!) too.  But most of the time, it seems she doesn't take any concrete steps to fulfill her dreams, let alone consider safety or logistical details.  Sometimes I think she has no clue how to go about this.  Or maybe she just doesn't have the energy or focus.  Perhaps she never had any serious intentions in the first place, because for her, it's nice just to have dreams?  Or maybe it's a refelection of BPD, as she's plagued with self-doubt and an unstable self-image.

Given my stepdaughter's relatively young age, I used to think she could make some of her dreams come true, at least partially or tangentially.  For example, she won't be a supermodel, but maybe she could find work in the fashion arena.  It's really hard to make a living selling artwork, but maybe she could work in a field that uses artistic skills, such as design, marketing or teaching.  Perhaps she could pursue modeling or artwork as fun hobbies, side-hustles or in a volunteer capacity.  When I talk with my stepdaughter, my natural inclination as a "doer" is to analyze, plan and execute.  Sometimes I've given her ideas about where and how she could get started.  But now I'm thinking, maybe she just likes dreaming for dreaming's sake.  She doesn't really want that life, and she doesn't want any help to achieve it, either, because being a "doer" doesn't fit her personality at all.  It's too mundane, too hard, too complicated, too stressful.  And come to think of it, all the other people in the family fall more on the "doer" than the "dreamer" side of the spectrum (except Grandma).  Maybe because of this, my BPD stepdaughter has felt "different," possibly excluded.  While everyone else is talking about the stuff they're doing--their jobs, their travels, their hobbies--she might feel left out?  But when she talks about her "fantasies," others might not know how to respond.  Maybe it would be better just to listen, rather than mention pesky real-life details, or offer to help, even if that goes against natural instincts?

Just my reflections on holidays and relational dynamics with BPD in the midst.  I hope the American contributors here had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JsMom]

CC43,  I wanted to thank you for sharing your Thanksgiving reflections. It's so nice to notice the positives and achievements even if small with love who are living life with bpd. I related to your stepdaughter avoiding family gatherings.  It used to hurt a lot not having my oldest son with ubpd join the family. I took it personally as he told me how I weird and stupid our family was. He never put down any family member. I'm the one he saves that type of sharing with. Last year he told me not to  invite him because he feels bad for not attending. Though he managed to pop in for an hour or so. This year he didn't come and he sent a text the said I love you Mom. It was fine he wasn't here. Easier in many ways. What I know is that it's painful for him. I can't and don't need to fix it.   

[Notwendy]

And then another realization hit me:  my BPD stepdaughter resembles her grandma.  She's artistic, and she's a dreamer too.  Over the years, she's dreamed of doing many things:  becoming a model, an artist, an internet influencer, a huminatarian.  She's dreamed of moving abroad, moving to a big city, volunteering in Gaza(!?!) too.  But most of the time, it seems she doesn't take any concrete steps to fulfill her dreams, let alone consider safety or logistical details.  Sometimes I think she has no clue how to go about this.  Or maybe she just doesn't have the energy or focus.  Perhaps she never had any serious intentions in the first place, because for her, it's nice just to have dreams?  Or maybe it's a refelection of BPD, as she's plagued with self-doubt and an unstable self-image.

Would be better just to listen, rather than mention pesky real-life details, or offer to help, even if that goes against natural instincts?

My BPD mother would say she was going to do things and not follow through. Many of them were unrealistic- she'd move to some tropical island, divorce my father (she never did).

I think some of these may have been "image" conversations. Some other members of her family are very accomplished and I think she wanted to appear this way too, to them or to herself. She had stopped driving for a while when my father passed away, but she kept his car. (not for sentimental reasons- she wasn't attached to his personal belongings). Me, being a practical thinker, asked why she didn't sell it. It didn't make sense to pay to keep up a car that she didn't drive. She got upset at being told this. Her response "I can drive it if I want to". She got angry when I said she didn't drive and replied- she can drive if she wants to. She didn't drive it but she still kept the car.

I think some were to gage my reaction. She'd say things and I would react, or like you ask for details. At one point her family said to me "she says things but she isn't going to actually do them" which was good advice. I think asking for details is attention- positive or negative- is the attention, or a part of the Karpman triangle. She'd threaten to do something I didn't want, then I'd react and be the persecutor. Some threats she did follow through with but either way she was going to do what she chose to do.

In some way, asking for details may feel invalidating. If someone is at a party or social event and says they are going to go volunteer, or do something impressive- IMHO, it may be to impress, to show they care, do something admirable. They'd want that response, not to be asked for details or given advice. I learned that to BPD mother- giving her advice felt invalidating to her, so I didn't- unless she specifically asked for it and event then I'd say "I think you know best how to do this". (sometimes if I gave advice she'd do something else anyway).

Or they want to know your concern. She herself probably knows that volunteering in a war zone is dangerous so perhaps she wants to hear how much you'd worry about her, or miss her so far away.

My BPD mother's family was way ahead of me in figuring this out- they just gave her the attention and affirmation she was seeking at these family events. If she was really going to pursue something she would- but I think these were saving face statements. I think the avoidance of family events involves a poor self image, feeling judged.

I posted before about a young lady I know who has BPD and we were at a party.  Suddenly she ran out of the room. I asked her mother what was going on and she said her daughter thought people were looking at a surgical scar she had. We didn't even notice it. People were looking at her because she was pretty but she was focused on the one thing she didn't think was pretty.

I wouldn't encourage or validate things my mother said that I didn't think were sound ideas or in her best interest, but I learned to not react as much to these things she said she was going to do. I also would not have assisted her to do things I didn't think were sound ideas, but if she were to take steps to do something in her best interest, we'd be all in favor of it.

[CC43]

Hi Notwendy,

Thanks for your considered reply.  I agree that sometimes the dreaming is image-related, a sort of bragging about intentions.  My BPD stepdaughter will do this a lot, and even put intentions on her resume:  I'm moving to XYZ city; I'm studying for an MBA.  Yet the reality is that she hasn't taken any concrete steps to move, and she hasn't signed up for any MBA classes yet.  Maybe these days, with social media, "intentions" are all that matters, and it's important to be always "broadcasting" what she wants, to get attention and affirmation.  And yet sometimes, I think it backfires.  Other times, I think it's more of a request for help (money, logistical support) to facilitate her intentions.

To illustrate, she'll say something like, I really want to go to Paris.  I might say, That sounds marvelous.  Paris in an amazing city.  Have you looked at flights?  And then she'll say, No, I mean live there.  I might reply, that's certainly possible, maybe in a couple of years.  She'll say, I want to go now.  I might say, I'm not stopping you.  I lived abroad for over a decade, in two different countries in fact, it was an amazing experience.  And then she'll try with her dad:  I need money to go to Paris.  Suddenly, fantasy clashes with reality.  Where's the money coming from?  Where will she live?  Does she expect me and her dad to lease an apartment for her?  What about a visa?  She doesn't speak any French, she doesn't know a soul in the country, she'd be far away from her support system.  We might say something like, you can't just show up there and expect to live and support yourself without a plan.  She'll reply, Other people make it work.  But what she doesn't understand is that other people make it work becuase they actually do the preparatory work.  Maybe they study a semseter abroad through a college program.  Maybe they get a job and then transfer abroad on a work visa, and do a ton of language study on the side, like I did.  She seems so naive about the real world that it's scary.  Maybe it's cognitive dissonance:  dreaming like an adult, but having an understanding of reality like a 13-year-old.

I guess my stock response has been:  We're not preventing you from doing what you want.  But she hates that response, on the one hand because she's the one to blame if her dream doesn't come true, and on the other hand, because I'm not helping enough.  But the funny thing is, I think I could help her on execution, provided that she's realistic about timing and the work required.  Yet she wants instant gratification.  She wants the glitz without the guts, she wants the sweets without the sweat.  She always wants to be somewhere else, so she doesn't have to live her "real" life and get a "real" job.  Ugh.

[Notwendy]

Unfortunately I think this is the kind of thinking that goes with the condition. My BPD mother's "superpower" was that she was able to get people to do things for her. I don't think she did a lot on her own but she'd either get people to do things for her or pay them to do them.

I think she benefitted from the "norm" in her era. Women were not expected to work outside the home. They were expected to get married and be housewives. This suited her but she also didn't do housework either. She was fortunate that my father was able to hire household help.

By the time we were old enough to help out at home, we were also enlisted in "helping BPD mother" but it was assumed she did these things.

I don't think this can happen as often in 2025 if a young woman is single- she's expected to have some work skills or to be a partner if she is in a marriage and a SAHM but I have seen situations on the relationship board that are similar to my parents. One might think this could lead to more happiness for the pwBPD and maybe the partner, but it didn't in my family.

I commend you for encouraging your SD to stand on her own two feet and accomplish things, even if she gets angry at you for doing so. I think it's for her own best interest and ultimately self esteem.