Setting new boundaries after moving

[FriedDaughter]

My mom is uBPD (Queen). I used to have a lot of resentment but after I got married and had kids 11 years ago, I was able to set boundaries that worked well. She lived about an hour away and we would visit 4-6x/year for a day and she’d come to our kids’ birthday parties when they were younger. When we visited, she would control the day but the kids liked the activities so it worked out fine. I would always wait 2-3 days to reply to emails and messages and that limited onslaught communications or me being her crutch.

I recently moved 3000 miles away. She just came to visit for Thanksgiving for 9 days in my house and I’m losing my mind. All my resentment and anxiety memories of childhood are flooding back and she says all sorts of things that are a bad influence on my kids. She cannot handle everything not being about her all the time, or that my family is bilingual around her. She is already planning another week in 2mo that I haven’t agreed to. She bought a cruise ending in our city so I couldn’t say no. She treats my home like and all-inclusive resort and expects to be treated like a beloved guest at all times.

I don’t think I can handle more than 2-3 days of her in my house twice a year without truly going back to loathing her.  We live far away so I get it’s not a weekend trip. How have people handled living cross country from a BPD mom that wants to visit and stay all the time?

My plan is to tell her no about the trip next trip, we will go away and she can’t stay in our house while we are away, once she is home. I’m sure she’ll this will be “very upsetting” for her, and I’m genuinely worried she will just show up. Help please! How to set boundaries in this situation without going NC?

[Notwendy]

This is a difficult one because most people don't travel a long distance to stay a short while. My parents- BPD mother didn't live near me but it wasn't quite that long. Still, since they drove, it took the larger part of a day to arrive. They weren't going to stay just a couple of days.

These visits were stressful as my parents didn't have much structure to them. Since Dad was retired, there was no set date for them to return home. I understand the feeling of anxiety during these visits.

Being that they were my parents, I had wanted them to stay with me. We had a guest room, in a private corner of the house, with its own bathroom. But my BPD mother liked things her own way and after a couple of days, she and my father moved to a hotel. I felt as if she thought the guest room wasn't "good enough" for her as she had a tendency to be critical of things I did for her but there wasn't anything wrong with the guest room. So, in a way, they made their own solution to staying with me- they didn't want to.

Some time later, I made a similar decision. My father had gotten ill and was in the hospital, I went to help out and stayed with my parents to help out. Staying alone in the house with BPD mother- her behavior escalated, old memories of childhood came to mind. Although I had come to help with Dad- the caretaking was for her but her behavior was irrational and out of control. After this experience, I decided to stay in a hotel when I visited so I had a "safe space".

In consideration of my BPD mother too- it's a strain on them to "mask" when around others. Having her own space to herself, she didn't feel a need to do this.

Visits were still stressful but I think it does help to have separate living spaces. Due to our own childhood experiences, we are going to be on high alert when in the presence of our BPD parent, even though we are adults now- and also even if we rationalize their behavior and they don't act out. We don't feel emotionally safe around them. We may choose to have contact but we need to also have a way to feel safe and calm down. Limiting the time and frequency of visits helped too.

Since our BPD mothers may not have sound boundaries- we have to have them. Saying no to a visit is difficult- but it may be that we have to. It may have to involve the extra expense of putting your mother up in a hotel when she visits- but if you can manage that, it's worth it to have separate spaces. Since visits are more costly this way- they may have to be less frequent- that is OK too.