Does anyone else question their perceptions

[JsMom]

After a conversation with my udbpd son a couple days ago where he was having a melt down, I have been worried about his state of mind and possible actions he was taking this week. He has brought up suicide before when feeling like a failure.  So my imagination can take flight. Sometimes I feel like he says things to get a reaction out of me or to get me to help him in someway.
To be honest, he makes impulsive decisions that I try to intercept even if it's only in my mind. I spend way too much of my time trying to make sense of how he thinks or come up with just the right words to keep him on a positive course. Then he calls as he just did, in a centered rational place asking about a medical appointment my husband had today. The conversation was easy, normal, no strings, not needy....  Rare times like these when I don't hear pain in his voice - I have hope and question my perceptions of other interactions.
Does my confusion make sense to anyone?  I get that I need to mentally disconnect and I think I'm beginning to learn. Is my answer in learning all the ways bpd presents and address them as they come and try to keep my thoughts out of his life?
 Thanks for being here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JsMom]

I am struggling with grief. I want the son I chatted with tonight. I want to see him relaxed and unburdened like he was tonight. I'm not meaning to be dramatic,  I keep my feelings locked inside. I thought if I shared my struggles that I might be freer myself and be realistic about my son's illness and my powerlessness in it.

[CC43]

Hi Mom,

I think I understand your plight.  You're constantly on edge because your son has teetered on the brink so often in the past.  It's hard not to assume the worst.  As your son has gotten older, you have learned to recognize the signs when he starts to veer off course.  Maybe it's a refusal to communicate, passive-aggressiveness, a string of nasty texts or a tirade of accusations.  Maybe it's ignoring you on your birthday or Mother's Day, right after you bailed him out in a major way.  Maybe it's getting a 2 a.m. telephone call from the police or a hospital.  Or maybe he hasn't landed in the hospital lately, but even so, you feel a bit of PTSD for fear that he might end up there, because he seems not to be doing very well.  He might be talking about how he feels worthless, empty, that he just can't cope anymore, he feels despair, he hates his life.  He might alternate between hating you and hating himself, and you're not sure which is worse.  You have a maternal radar, alert to any setback or bad news that could push your son over the edge.  You know he's not very resilient, and he has a tendency to blow everything out of proportion, which means fractured relationships.  The result is that he might get fired from his job, or suddenly quit a good one over a seemingly minor incident.  He might break up with a partner, and the break-up is a mess.  His anger is lightning-fast, and he seems to boil over; his reactions seem totally out of proportion to the situation.  Worst of all, he seems never to take responsibility for his actions.  He expects YOU to get him out of his mess.  Though he resents feeling reliant on you, it's preferable to admitting that he doesn't handle things as he should.  Deep down he feels like a failure, and his way of coping is to blame others.  The sad reality is, he feels he doesn't have agency.  But he gets you to bail him out.  Once you do that, his immediate source of stress is alleviated, and maybe he'll temporarily feel a little bit better.  He will probably neglect to thank you, because he thinks you owe him.  Rather than apologize or show a little gratitude, he pretends the whole thing didn't even happen.  Does that sound about right?

Anyway, one thing you might try is to slow-walk.  Maybe you're not quite as available all the time.  Maybe you call him when it's convenient for you (say, once a week), and you just don't do texts anymore.  If he wants to talk to you or ask you to do something, he needs to call you.  If there's an emergency, he can call you too; but also know that he can call 911.  Maybe that little change could make communications feel more intentional, and you can gauge the situation better in a live conversation.  If give him a little more time and space to handle his emotions and his problems on his own, and maybe he'll surprise you.  That way, maybe you give your radar a little break.

If he's talking about suicide, then you could ask him, "Do you want me to call 911?"  If he says No, then you can feel a little relieved that he's not feeling that badly.  If he says Yes, then he'll go to the hospital and get some help he needs.

[JsMom]

Thank you CC43 for the long reply that covers the hope, pain, fear and drama of loving someone who struggles with bpd. The scenarios may be different but the same in many ways. I will always have a Momma's heart. Yet, I also know it's my responsibility to protect it. Slow walking is a great way of looking at doing that. Thank you for suggesting it.  My son does thank me at times, which is a gift too.  I know because he has told me so that he hates being dependent on me.  I know I need to do my part in changing my encouraging him to be dependent. It isn't serving him well and satisfies an unhealthy need in me, I think.
Thank you again.

[Diamond60]

I can totally relate to how you feel.  My son is almost 27 and I feel like I’ve been on the same rollercoaster as you described (and CC43–they really described the situation with my son so accurately!).  I do feel like the Family Connections course has helped me resisting jumping in to fix things and to learn to keep things short and simple, especially during a meltdown when I tended to try to “get in his head” emotionally which just made things worse.   Now I try to just validate and wait until he asks for my opinion/advice/help instead of jumping in.  But it is hard and goes against that maternal instincts…

[JsMom]

Thank you Diamond69,
This is a hard walk changing how I show love and support to my son. Knowing others understand and see relief at times and even growth for our kids, loved ones and ourselves is encouraging. 

Thank you ❤️

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi,
I have empathy for you and can relate. This isn't normal parenting for a mom. We are wired to nurture and comfort, and in my case, I have believed availability = love. However, accepting verbal abuse and other rude behavior (in my case) and being the main container for my child's emotions instead of her regulating them has not helped our relationship. It's gotten worse. The verbal onslaughts come faster and are more brutal and continuous.

Normal mom reactions don't help with emotional dysregulation, and in fact, they probably reinforce it. That's been a tough one for me to accept. If you are like me, you've been trying to be kind, take abuse, be available, soothe, etc. And, our loved one's behavior and emotions may be the same or worse.

I read too many stories here of loved ones who never improve, and the moms remain the punching bag long-term, destroying finances, marriages, mental health, retirement plans, vacations, etc. I do not want that! I want a life. I'm a happy, joyful person normally. It's not good for me, but it's also really sad for my child, whom I love.

I don't have the answers - but I'm beginning to more fully accept that I am not the fix and I have to grieve that.

[JsMom]

SoVeryConfused,  Thank you for sharing your heart. I relate totally to what you wrote. It feels so unnatural to relate to my son in ways that actually help my son have a chance to recover and live my life too. I like you am learning and trying new behaviors. Baby steps. There is a lot to grieve and I believe that is a part of this walk. I'm learning acceptance. I feel for your struggle as well
This is definitely not easy, I glad for people like you that understand.

[Pook075]

When your son isn't acting like your son, he's thinking in a disordered way.  You're trying to follow his thoughts and actions logically...or in an ordered way of thinking.  And you never find the answers because you're comparing apples to oranges.

When he's disordered, the logic part of his mind shuts off...or at least becomes much less dominant...and he has delusions of why the world is a cold, dark place.  The real problem is mental illness, he's thinking in a harmful way.  But he can't accept that so he looks for other things to blame.  It must be the neighbor's dog, it must be my boss at work, it must be my crappy car, etc.

Then the disordered thinking goes to another level.  If it wasn't for the neighbor's dog, I wouldn't have to drive that crappy car.  It's all the neighbor's fault, he's ruining my life and making everything so complicated.  So he begins to observe the neighbor to build "proof" of his disordered thinking.  Oh look, he left his trash cans in the road, that proves everything!  Now I know for a fact that he bought that annoying dog just to ruin my life (....and it somehow forces me to keep driving this crappy car).

Does that make sense?  If you're mentally ill, you rely more on feelings in the moment than logic.  I feel bad, so the world is bad and I don't want to be here.  Or the opposite, I'm feeling great so the world is perfect and I'm fully in control.  Neither is true or logical, even though it might FEEL THAT WAY in the moment.

I hope that helps.

[JsMom]

Pook075,
Thank you! What you wrote helps a lot. I read it twice and will reread multiple times. It explains so well why I feel crazy or incompetent when I try to follow his "logic" in explaining a problem when he is disordered. Also, I never looked at it as disordered. My thought was he is very very upset and I assume he may blow things out of proportion... But, what is true is, some things just didn't make sense. What adds to the confusion is that there are times when he is not, and is self aware.  Makes my head spin.
Thanks again!

[Pook075]

Pook075,
Thank you! What you wrote helps a lot. I read it twice and will reread multiple times. It explains so well why I feel crazy or incompetent when I try to follow his "logic" in explaining a problem when he is disordered. Also, I never looked at it as disordered. My thought was he is very very upset and I assume he may blow things out of proportion... But, what is true is, some things just didn't make sense. What adds to the confusion is that there are times when he is not, and is self aware.  Makes my head spin.
Thanks again!

Everything your son says is 100% true in the moment.  But because it's "feeling based" instead of factual, what's true right now may not be true in ten minutes.

For example, if a baby has a problem, it cries.  And we're like, what's going on?  Diaper?  Nope.  Need to burp?  Nope.  Carry him around/rock him?  Nope.  Then suddenly, the baby stops crying.  Phew.  But we walk out of the room and the baby is screaming again!

Just like the baby, your son lives his emotions for you to see.  If he says, "I hate you," he's being honest...he hates you that very moment.  Yet three minutes later, he asks if you want to go get a milkshake together.  It make no logical sense, but he's doing the exact same thing the baby did in the example.  If he's upset, he can say terrible things...and then it passes and everything he just said doesn't matter anymore.

It would be great if we had some context (and apologies) between those episodes, but that's probably too much to expect most of the time.  Just know that the outrageous things are true in the moment and rarely true forever.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Til3005]

Hello -
I think I understand what you’re saying because if I’m interpreting you correctly- I have had those moments. My pwbpd is similar. She is very self destructive, self harms, goes into the deepest despair, hates her life, hates herself, hates everyone around her, threatens to leave the world, threatens to leave her family, says awful things, and sees the world as good or bad, for her or against her. But then…. We have moments where we are interacting with such warmth. She can have a conversation. She may even ask about me. I feel connected to her and I think maybe I’ve been wrong. Maybe I’ve done something or not done something that has caused her to become irrational at certain points. Maybe she was just in a rough patch. Maybe feeling used or manipulated is more about me than it is about her. Maybe she just needs to get away from this boyfriend or that job or this friend and she will have some stability. Maybe I’ve looked at her through the lens of her diagnosed mental illness but maybe everyone is wrong, including me. I feel like that is hope talking when I get like that. It’s my heart and souls way of trying to save myself from despair. It puts the burden of change on ME not her, and if the change is mine to make — I can do that. Maybe I have the power to fix this.

But the reality I’ve finally come to is that I can’t fix this. I’m not responsible for her response to the world or her emotions or the things she finds difficult in her life. I’m not able to do more than I did, and when I think back on what I have done to try to help the solution I have some peace. Because I did literally everything I could think of to help her. If it was a rough patch, I gave her the ability to lift herself out of it - whether that was my time, money, or help in whatever way. If it was my perception of the situation I certainly disregarded that many times to help her when I probably shouldn’t have. If it was something I said or did, anyone who is healthy in most other ways would entertain a conversation that could inspire some growth in the relationship. But it’s not those things.

She has a condition I can’t change or fix. She has a condition I didn’t cause and I can’t correct. I’m really disappointed sometimes that the best I can do for her is to protect myself so that in the event she someday comes to a healthier place - I will be healthy enough to support her. It causes me sincere grief that walking away is the best I can offer her because I take with me all the things I thought would right her path … but probably kept her from exhausting her options and maybe… finding help.


It really sucks. I don’t know another way to say it. It just does. I think as a mother you want to believe you can do something to rescue your child and there isn’t anything you wouldn’t give of yourself to do it. Staying small. Appeasing. Keeping peace. Lending help. Lending money. Doing favors. Answering calls from police or hospitals. Talking a child off the ledge at 3:30am. Accepting what they give you, even if it’s hateful and blaming, because you would rather that than the silence and not knowing how they are. I think most parents here have done some of that or all of that seeking the answer to help their child feel whole.  Sadly though it seems like the path out of their own destruction is to have to sit with it until they want to save their own lives.

So if that’s what you mean - yes. I’ve been there. I found myself there very often over the last decade, and I’ve realized that I was trying to carry hope. I have gotten the lesson though. That if I want to save her I have to save myself first, and maybe in time she will meet me there.

[Pook075]

So if that’s what you mean - yes. I’ve been there. I found myself there very often over the last decade, and I’ve realized that I was trying to carry hope. I have gotten the lesson though. That if I want to save her I have to save myself first, and maybe in time she will meet me there.

That is what I mean FOR HER.  Her outlook is linked to her feelings.  A good day is the most awesome, unbelievable day ever.  A bad day is torture and unlivable.  Everything is amplified 100x because everything is feelings-based.

So when your kid says, "You're a terrible person," she believes that in the moment....and often in that moment only.  But if you look at why she said that, there's going to be some type of challenge to what she was dealing with in that exact moment.  Maybe it's obvious, like she wanted money or a favor.  Or maybe it's hidden and something you knew nothing about.

And here's what it means FOR YOU.

When she says things out of character, outside of what makes sense in the moment, she's disordered.  No matter what you say she'll argue, and it's best in that moment to either show compassion or walk away.  Why?  Because it's not personal, she's saying something horrible because she's struggling mentally and hurting inside.  It feels better to ague and say horrible things than it does just to let the moment pass.  That's why she's acting out, but YOU have options in those moments a well.

Can you fix her?  NO.  Can you avoid those explosive, ugly arguments that makes you want to pull your hair out?  YES.  You don't take what she's saying personally and you either try to calm her down or just walk away.  Her drama doesn't have to be your drama.

Sometimes with my BPD daughter, I can calm her down within seconds because she just wants to be seen, to be heard.  Compassion changes everything in the moment and she's able to calm down and think rationally.  That's all BPDs need sometimes, they're exactly like the screaming baby.  So while I can't fix her, she is so much better when she comes to dad and unloads because I never take it personal anymore.  I just comfort her and help her level out emotionally.

Does that make sense?

[Til3005]

Pook-

Yes. It makes sense. I was more so trying to clarify what the OP was asking because I wasn’t sure if she was trying to convey something I had experienced.

I agree with you though that often it’s more about exorcising a pain in a way that is the most direct route and it’s not about you. I do think that’s often true. The issue with my experience is that walking away leads to following, leads to repeated phone calls from her number or another number if I block it, leads to texts, leads to me turning off my phone, leads to police calling me, and her then ghosting me until the next big situation. It’s emotionally exhausting even when I make the decision not to engage. Like a little kid she escalates to a place where she cannot be ignored. I agree there are times when my lack of engagement will end things, at least from my end, but there are times when it doesn’t end there. It ends with a phone call from police that she’s cut herself deeper than she intended and they have to take her to the ER for stitches and mental health concerns. Someone please come get her child. Even if I decided not to involve myself, it’s impossible for that to not bother me or for me to detach completely. That is the part that I think is the most emotionally exhausting. When she makes it impossible for it to not ignore it completely - even if I don’t involve myself or make that known to her. Until she can get to a place where she allows me to walk away cleanly, she really has to own her life exclusively, or at least, I have to excuse myself from it.