First time hello

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello,
I'm brand new to this forum. My husband and I sleep in separate rooms. We've had some good years here and there, but I am miserable, and the last year has been absolutely awful. Getting divorced would be a financial nightmare. I've looked into it and will keep on trying to find a way out.
 My husband's anger can be vicious, unpredictable, and impossible to live with. I'm in the midst of reading Walking on Eggshells and so much of the last 30 years is starting to make sense. When my husband (do we use first names on here?) turned 60, he had a health scare. It wasn't a major health scare; there was no actual threat to his life. But that, combined with turning 60, put his BPD behavior on overload. He is scary when he is angry. Last fall, he "went off" on me multiple times, accusing me of horrific things. I'm chasing our children away (our daughter got married two months before), I'm a drug addict (he is referring to my prescription medication), and I treat him the way his mother treated his father (I suspect she had BPD as well). There was much, much more, and it was very traumatic. I now work with the local women's center.
He is also paranoid and afraid of strange and unlikely things. For example, he believes that we need bright lights around our house because he is convinced that without them, a plane will hit the house. If we don't leave the obnoxiously bright "grow lights" on, all of the plants in the house will die over the winter. 
Since last fall's dramatic event, he has become even stranger. He spends most of his time at home in his bedroom. He talks to me for 5-10 minutes and asks me nothing about my day, then he goes into his room and closes the door. For a while, I think he was vaping cannabis daily. I haven't smelled it in the last two weeks, though. He believes that he has become a Buddhist-this would be fine if he were actually following the spiritual tenets of the religion. But he lacks the capacity to embrace it. I could go on, but writing this all down makes the situation's craziness get to me.
So, why can't I leave? It's complicated and messy. I cannot afford a lawyer who might protect my pension and savings. He does not have any savings, no 401K/IRA. He spends money frivolously. And, I have enabled everything to the point that I have been in a debt cycle so that our household runs, and our children did not go without when they were younger.
I don't have a question for the forum. Just wanted to introduce myself and say that I'm hopeful to find people who know what my marriage is like.

[Ct2032]

Hello,
I'm brand new to this forum. My husband and I sleep in separate rooms. We've had some good years here and there, but I am miserable, and the last year has been absolutely awful. Getting divorced would be a financial nightmare. I've looked into it and will keep on trying to find a way out.
 My husband's anger can be vicious, unpredictable, and impossible to live with. I'm in the midst of reading Walking on Eggshells and so much of the last 30 years is starting to make sense. When my husband (do we use first names on here?) turned 60, he had a health scare. It wasn't a major health scare; there was no actual threat to his life. But that, combined with turning 60, put his BPD behavior on overload. He is scary when he is angry. Last fall, he "went off" on me multiple times, accusing me of horrific things. I'm chasing our children away (our daughter got married two months before), I'm a drug addict (he is referring to my prescription medication), and I treat him the way his mother treated his father (I suspect she had BPD as well). There was much, much more, and it was very traumatic. I now work with the local women's center.
He is also paranoid and afraid of strange and unlikely things. For example, he believes that we need bright lights around our house because he is convinced that without them, a plane will hit the house. If we don't leave the obnoxiously bright "grow lights" on, all of the plants in the house will die over the winter. 
Since last fall's dramatic event, he has become even stranger. He spends most of his time at home in his bedroom. He talks to me for 5-10 minutes and asks me nothing about my day, then he goes into his room and closes the door. For a while, I think he was vaping cannabis daily. I haven't smelled it in the last two weeks, though. He believes that he has become a Buddhist-this would be fine if he were actually following the spiritual tenets of the religion. But he lacks the capacity to embrace it. I could go on, but writing this all down makes the situation's craziness get to me.
So, why can't I leave? It's complicated and messy. I cannot afford a lawyer who might protect my pension and savings. He does not have any savings, no 401K/IRA. He spends money frivolously. And, I have enabled everything to the point that I have been in a debt cycle so that our household runs, and our children did not go without when they were younger.
I don't have a question for the forum. Just wanted to introduce myself and say that I'm hopeful to find people who know what my marriage is like.

[Rowdy]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I am fairly new here too.

This is a public forum and as such it is advised that we do not use names and keep things anonymous.

You are not alone, many of us on here know exactly what you are going through, as it is as if they are all acting out from the same script. From your introduction there are a few things I can relate to, that are also in the DSM as criteria for BPD.
The spending for example, is something my wife (my ex, still married but separated for the past 2 years) used to do. She could spend as if the world is going to end tomorrow.
The cannabis addiction. My wife was, and I’m quite convinced still is, a cocaine addict. That was the catalyst for our separation, as she was buying the drugs from her friends husband. They split up because of his behaviour, his wife left him. I asked my wife to stop buying drugs from him, so she ran off with him.

Also, the lights around your house struck a cord. My first thought reading that was, does your husband not realise planes land on runways because they are lit up with landing lights.
Lights attract aircraft’s landing, does he not realise there is more chance (very little chance) the lights would make it more likely an aircraft would land on the house than not.
It’s a little bit different, but the same disordered thinking none the less, but my wife was convinced we would be safer in the hot tub if there was a thunder storm. I had to explain that it was far from the safest place to be in the middle of a thunderstorm, but she couldn’t grasp that advice. I had to explain to her that our local swimming pool has a section that joins the indoor pool to an outdoor pool, and in a thunderstorm they close the pool altogether so people don’t get fried to death if a lightening strikes the water outside.

Lastly, journaling, writing things down, be it on here or in a diary, is a great way to help you understand the dysregulated behaviour, to help you remember things you have forgotten, and especially if you do so on here, to give you some validation that you are not going mad, that your husbands behaviour is not your fault, and you didn’t cause it.