I thought I could

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I had to end it. The final straw was her attacking me because I 'abandoned' her after she strayed from our goal of walking to a bus stop to get back home. Police were involved and well you know the rest. We lived together so its complicated especially with a 5 yr no contact order and most of her things at my home. I have no intention of trying to drop the charges. This is one of my many conundrums. I refuse to take any of the consequences (5 yr active supervision, Moral and ethics classes, anger management classes) away from her because of her behavior. She is prescribed Adderall, and a couple of other meds but doesn't take the full dose everyday because she is afraid of running out so by not taking the whole dose she is able to prolong the refill. That makes absolutely no sense to me. We were friends before our 4 month romance and not friends anymore because of it. I still spend a few moments everyday (its been a month) bringing myself to the point of outward emotion. And questioning everything of its reality. It is truly bewildering to me how utterly insane the behavior of this gf of mine is somehow 'my fault'. I played a part in this and am aware of that. I lashed out. Harshly. And I started to detach at some point after she told me not to kiss her one day after work because she just had sex with someone right after going to jail for theft of some things at a gas station. I could go on for awhile and may just write a book about it all. We have a roommate who was outside shooting his BB pistol, well my gf locks the doors calls the police saying there is a guy with a gun trying to get in the house. So police dept (all of them) get there with all the fanfare guns drawn ready to take the intruder away. They put guy in handcuffs check out the gun. Then they find out he is the roommate just outside target shooting with a bb gun and was just trying to get back in the house. It only gets worse. She told the police on a different occasion that my friends were trying to crawl through the bathroom window to rape her, she thinks the neighbors are exchanging her cat for another one to take her cat to go have urethra sex with it. Because her cat acts differently depending on my gf behavior that day. Mind you her cat has very distinctive marks that would tell you there's no way that's happening. There was SOMETHING ev-er-y single day. I blamed her for so many things going wrong with our relationship. I still do. I am sorry for that. I feel guilt. Because she is now in a homeless shelter. She has burnt so many bridges that her mom and her daughter don't want to deal with her. Including not letting my gf see her grandson. Because of her behavior. The paranoia she feels comes from thinking people are listening to her (she whispers at times) and following her because they think she has something to do with the demise of her old boss' husband in Arizona. She didn't, but that's her paranoia. This is why I am having a hard time: she didn't work last 4 months after getting fired so I supported her our entire relationship. Her meds, place to live gas for the car food clothing cigarettes. She would purposely pick an argument with someone (a guy walks by her doesn't touch her but she will say something to the guy like did you just touch my ass?) and make a big scene with me knowing it was all on purpose to illicit some reaction from me I think. Not sure. So its very difficult for me (I am a child sexual abuse survivor from a family member) to not retreat when faced with incredibly charged emotions that I don't understand nor know how to process. So as you can imagine I have many concerns from will I ever understand to I don't want her to think of me as 'discarded'. Because that is the absolute worst feeling I can realize. I went through it as a kid being abused by my older brother. I tried and I tried. Only to be labeled as discarded? I have an EXTREMELY difficult time everyday with that. Knowing I invested a ton while I never say effort from her. What do I need to do to move past this? If possible. I mean we are kind of bonded because of this domestic violence thing for 5 years and I look at her things in my house and get triggered by them all the time. All day every day. I miss her. But I don't. Its too bad because I truly loved her. 

[slimnotshady80]

I had to end it. The final straw was her attacking me because I 'abandoned' her after she strayed from our goal of walking to a bus stop to get back home. Police were involved and well you know the rest. We lived together so its complicated especially with a 5 yr no contact order and most of her things at my home. I have no intention of trying to drop the charges. This is one of my many conundrums. I refuse to take any of the consequences (5 yr active supervision, Moral and ethics classes, anger management classes) away from her because of her behavior. She is prescribed Adderall, and a couple of other meds but doesn't take the full dose everyday because she is afraid of running out so by not taking the whole dose she is able to prolong the refill. That makes absolutely no sense to me. We were friends before our 4 month romance and not friends anymore because of it. I still spend a few moments everyday (its been a month) bringing myself to the point of outward emotion. And questioning everything of its reality. It is truly bewildering to me how utterly insane the behavior of this gf of mine is somehow 'my fault'. I played a part in this and am aware of that. I lashed out. Harshly. And I started to detach at some point after she told me not to kiss her one day after work because she just had sex with someone right after going to jail for theft of some things at a gas station. I could go on for awhile and may just write a book about it all. We have a roommate who was outside shooting his BB pistol, well my gf locks the doors calls the police saying there is a guy with a gun trying to get in the house. So police dept (all of them) get there with all the fanfare guns drawn ready to take the intruder away. They put guy in handcuffs check out the gun. Then they find out he is the roommate just outside target shooting with a bb gun and was just trying to get back in the house. It only gets worse. She told the police on a different occasion that my friends were trying to crawl through the bathroom window to rape her, she thinks the neighbors are exchanging her cat for another one to take her cat to go have urethra sex with it. Because her cat acts differently depending on my gf behavior that day. Mind you her cat has very distinctive marks that would tell you there's no way that's happening. There was SOMETHING ev-er-y single day. I blamed her for so many things going wrong with our relationship. I still do. I am sorry for that. I feel guilt. Because she is now in a homeless shelter. She has burnt so many bridges that her mom and her daughter don't want to deal with her. Including not letting my gf see her grandson. Because of her behavior. The paranoia she feels comes from thinking people are listening to her (she whispers at times) and following her because they think she has something to do with the demise of her old boss' husband in Arizona. She didn't, but that's her paranoia. This is why I am having a hard time: she didn't work last 4 months after getting fired so I supported her our entire relationship. Her meds, place to live gas for the car food clothing cigarettes. She would purposely pick an argument with someone (a guy walks by her doesn't touch her but she will say something to the guy like did you just touch my ass?) and make a big scene with me knowing it was all on purpose to illicit some reaction from me I think. Not sure. So its very difficult for me (I am a child sexual abuse survivor from a family member) to not retreat when faced with incredibly charged emotions that I don't understand nor know how to process. So as you can imagine I have many concerns from will I ever understand to I don't want her to think of me as 'discarded'. Because that is the absolute worst feeling I can realize. I went through it as a kid being abused by my older brother. I tried and I tried. Only to be labeled as discarded? I have an EXTREMELY difficult time everyday with that. Knowing I invested a ton while I never say effort from her. What do I need to do to move past this? If possible. I mean we are kind of bonded because of this domestic violence thing for 5 years and I look at her things in my house and get triggered by them all the time. All day every day. I miss her. But I don't. Its too bad because I truly loved her. 

[Pook075]

What do I need to do to move past this? If possible. I mean we are kind of bonded because of this domestic violence thing for 5 years and I look at her things in my house and get triggered by them all the time. All day every day. I miss her. But I don't. Its too bad because I truly loved her. 

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and so many here can relate based on their relationships.

Can I ask how old your ex is?  She sounds younger and that definitely plays a factor with BPD.  Maturity comes slower and lessons come so much harder.

To move past this, continue to do what you're doing.  I'd pack up her stuff and get it out- send it to her mom if you have to.  You have to break that cycle though and since it's only been a month, your mind is still trying to process what the heck happened.  The simple answer is that she was mentally ill- everything that happened came from her thinking with emotion instead of logic or reasoning.  She's sick...and she made very poor choices because she was broken inside.

I'm so glad you found us though a please, keep venting...let this out.  Try to stay busy as well and get out of the house (hobbies, friends, whatever).  Exercise works wonders for processing grief- now's a great time to join a gym or pick up a sport/hobby.  And find someone local to talk this out with- a therapist, a pastor, or simply friends/family.  They won't fully understand but that's okay.