Moving on with new partner

[Rowdy]

My marriage broke up just over 2 years ago. I met someone around 3 months after the breakup, and there was instant chemistry.
However, as my relationship with my wife was 27 years long, both of us knew that jumping into a relationship was a big no go, but after a couple of months it was fairly evident that something would probably happen although neither of us said anything.

14 months later we got together. We have now been together for 9 months. We have our own lives, we both have two children, we both live in separate houses with the youngest of each children respectively. I have 3 dogs, she is scared of dogs so doesn’t come over, so I go over to see her., We don’t see each other every day.

We have not argued once. We both love and respect each other. She is happy, kind, caring. She says our relationship is easy, no stress, no drama, because I am so laid back and chilled. She has been in several relationships where she has felt controlled, and one relationship with someone that told her was diagnosed bpd and created drama. She is easy to talk to about anything and I don’t have to tread on eggshells like my previous relationship.

Now, because I was in the relationship for 27 years with my wife, who I believe has bpd although undiagnosed, I am used to the idealisation. I’m used to the constant phone calls, the constant texts (to give you some idea, she was discussing coming back home but said I hadn’t messaged her enough one evening, yet I counted over 120 texts between us) and the love bombing. Throughout our relationship I would like to think that I was emotionally stable (although she would say emotionally inept because I am not an over emotional wetwipe) and secure in myself and my relationship.

However now I am struggling a little bit with, I don’t know, whether it’s a fear of abandonment or just trying to adjust to a normal relationship. Because it isn’t as intense, there is no constant barrage of texts, and my gf is happy for me to have my own interests and hobbies, I can go and see my friends whenever I want, whereas with my wife I couldn’t even leave her to go to work without being given a guilt trip. My gf does however have a tendency to withdraw, as she has got a few family issues, her daughter has left to go travelling for a year and such like, so sometimes I will message her and not hear from her for hours as she has got things going around in her head that bothers her, but she assures me everything between us is ok, but because of my previous relationship dynamic, it worries me a little.

So I guess I’m wondering, those of you that have got into relationships after one with a bpd partner. Have you felt a fear of abandonment, or any other issues. Has some of the negative traits of the pwBPD rubbed off on you. Have you found it strange, adjusting to what seems like a normal healthy relationship from the rollercoaster ride you were used to.

[Under The Bridge]

We have not argued once. We both love and respect each other. She is happy, kind, caring. She says our relationship is easy, no stress, no drama, because I am so laid back and chilled. She has been in several relationships where she has felt controlled, and one relationship with someone that told her was diagnosed bpd and created drama. She is easy to talk to about anything and I don’t have to tread on eggshells like my previous relationship.

It's fantastic that you've found such a relationship. Don't try to analyse it - just enjoy it. Remember BPD is all about thinking in patterns which invariably lead to conflict, so don't become like that and start worrying that the happiness won't last or that you'll do something wrong.

I actually think it's great you both have your own place because as well as needing our partner, we also need our own space, no matter how small. Based on my own experiences, I'd never live with someone 24/7 again, we'd both have to have our own 'havens' and I think it does the relationship good and makes us more happy to see our partner when we see them.

Be happy and enjoy this total, wonderful change in your life!

[Rowdy]

Thanks under the bridge, you are right.

I guess it’s something that I just need to adjust to.
The “yes you can go to the pub with your mates”

If my wife said that to me, I knew something was wrong.
Even “go and have a bath” signalled the end of our marriage, and that isn’t right when such an innocent comment or suggestion makes you suspect something is amiss in your marriage.

[Under The Bridge]

The “yes you can go to the pub with your mates”

Will be great to tell your new partner that you had a good time with your friends and she's happy for you - a massive difference without the BPD interrogation, accusations of cheating and total meltdown that you'd normally get. Nice to be able to do things for your partner without them looking for a bad motive.  I stopped telling my ex whenever I was out with friends as I knew it would trigger her. Actually, near the end, I stopped telling her anything.

We all come out of a BPD relationship carrying scars and trust is hard for us to start up again, but we can do it; remember we weren't the ill ones.

.. just remember to never forget her birthday, anniversary of the day you both met and stuff like that.. even the most wonderful partner will get the hump .

[HoratioX]

After I ended it with my GF, who had BPD/C-PTSD/anxiety, depending on which therapist was consulted, I had to take a break. I generally think it's a bad idea to leap into another relationship anyway, but especially so after her.

Something someone with BPD, etc., seems to know on an instinctive level is how addicting their behavior is. That's part of the love bombing and incredible sex. Whether intended or not, it can hook us in, as we're flooded with feel good chemicals, not to mention the general boost to feelings and self esteem. I can't honestly say my relationship with her was more intense than some others in the past, but the intensity was different. When things were good, the constant attention and physicality were unmatched, at least in terms of their duration. Once that tap was cut off, the opposite was true.

Expecting that from someone healthy and balanced is too much. Yes, any romantic relationship can have those moments, but the frequency is different. And there's usually some kind of catalyst. With someone with BPD, etc., it's a part of the cycling. You don't really have to do anything but be in the right place at the right time. If you think a romantic partner is simply going to throw herself at you all the time in the same way, that's not realistic. If it happens, you're lucky, and I don't mean that in a demeaning way. I just mean enough beneficial things occur to make it happen. That usually requires some contribution to it.

So, to me, you have to wait until the chemicals are out of your body and mentally, you're in a space where you're not expecting to replicate them.
It's no different than if someone who is recovering drug or alcohol addict thinks a few days or weeks after recovery they can just rush off to the next big party. They need to wait to make sure they're grounded.

[Me88]

After I ended it with my GF, who had BPD/C-PTSD/anxiety, depending on which therapist was consulted, I had to take a break. I generally think it's a bad idea to leap into another relationship anyway, but especially so after her.

Something someone with BPD, etc., seems to know on an instinctive level is how addicting their behavior is. That's part of the love bombing and incredible sex. Whether intended or not, it can hook us in, as we're flooded with feel good chemicals, not to mention the general boost to feelings and self esteem. I can't honestly say my relationship with her was more intense than some others in the past, but the intensity was different. When things were good, the constant attention and physicality were unmatched, at least in terms of their duration. Once that tap was cut off, the opposite was true.

Expecting that from someone healthy and balanced is too much. Yes, any romantic relationship can have those moments, but the frequency is different. And there's usually some kind of catalyst. With someone with BPD, etc., it's a part of the cycling. You don't really have to do anything but be in the right place at the right time. If you think a romantic partner is simply going to throw herself at you all the time in the same way, that's not realistic. If it happens, you're lucky, and I don't mean that in a demeaning way. I just mean enough beneficial things occur to make it happen. That usually requires some contribution to it.

So, to me, you have to wait until the chemicals are out of your body and mentally, you're in a space where you're not expecting to replicate them.
It's no different than if someone who is recovering drug or alcohol addict thinks a few days or weeks after recovery they can just rush off to the next big party. They need to wait to make sure they're grounded.

same here. My ex had bpd/depression/adhd/anxiety. Psychologist/Psychiatrist. In 3 days it will be an entire year since the end. While I am in a much better head space, I cannot even imagine going on a date with anyone, or even trust them sadly. I have a lot of self improvement to do in regards to how I choose my partners. I also don't trust myself yet. And yes the rush of feel good chemicals is unmatched by anything I've experienced. The bad times are soul crushing. I need to make myself realize that that isn't normal. We all have our own timeline.

[Rowdy]

Oh definitely. Within months of breaking up with my wife, because she had jumped straight into a relationship she kept on at me to go on a dating site. She even tried convincing me to destroy someone’s marriage, all manipulation to make her feel better for what she was doing.

So, 3 months after the split I joined a dating site. The most attractive woman I saw on there actually contacted me, and we arranged to go on a date. My ex knew about it, and that day asked me if she was prettier than her, if she was slimmer than her. That night, I was driving back home from the date, and I had missed calls and texts from my ex. She had asked our son to go and pick her up, she was drunk, so she could sit with our dogs while I was out for the night. When I arrived home gone midnight, she was in my kitchen having a screaming row with our son. She then turned on me, punching me repeatedly, dragging her nails down my face, and tried to strangle me. I could have knocked her out, but just took it until my son came over, because this was going on in front of him, and he picked her up and carried her away.

What carried on was 3hrs of mental torture and abuse. My wife’s sister and our eldest son came round because our son that was there called them. She calmed down a little, but decided to go upstairs and get in my bed. I sat downstairs talking with our son for half hour or so, then went upstairs and got in bed in the spare room. My ex then came into the room and sat on the bed, and started carrying on as if she was having a panic attack, but I just tried ignoring it. Because I ignored her she then put me through the worst mental torment I have ever experienced in my life and absolutely broke me. I was a wreck. I never want to experience anything like that in my life ever again. Our son witnessed this too and it made him extremely distressed.

I got out of bed and left my house, went to sleep on my sons couch up the road. She continued to message me through the morning, hinting at suicide if I didn’t go back and talk to her.
I was an emotional mess, she manipulated me into sleeping with her.

So yes, absolutely don’t jump into a relationship, I know that.
And that is why I took well over a year before stepping into this relationship, and I feel I have been mentally ready for it.
However, after 9 months together I have fallen quite hard for my new girlfriend. We both have. And I guess it is that new intensity in the relationship, and the feeling that I really don’t want to lose her, is what has let a little bit of the fear of abandonment creep in. I just wondered if this is quite common for people in our situation.

[Me88]

"So yes, absolutely don’t jump into a relationship, I know that.
And that is why I took well over a year before stepping into this relationship, and I feel I have been mentally ready for it.
However, after 9 months together I have fallen quite hard for my new girlfriend. We both have. And I guess it is that new intensity in the relationship, and the feeling that I really don’t want to lose her, is what has let a little bit of the fear of abandonment creep in. I just wondered if this is quite common for people in our situation."

I'd say it is normal for anyone really. Falling in love with someone, truly, feels great. I love being in love, when reciprocated. You have to remember you went through something most people cannot comprehend. These relationships are NOT normal. You never knew what to expect and at times BPD relationships are 'normal'. I know for me, when I'm ready I'm going to be very scared, and wonder if I'm repeating a pattern. You just have to make sure you don't start caretaking or being a rescuer too often. Lots of us have that personality. After such betrayal from our exes, it's probably expected to fear it all might crash down, then again feel guilt or wonder if it's all us.

[PeteWitsend]

...

However now I am struggling a little bit with, I don’t know, whether it’s a fear of abandonment or just trying to adjust to a normal relationship. Because it isn’t as intense, there is no constant barrage of texts, and my gf is happy for me to have my own interests and hobbies, I can go and see my friends whenever I want, whereas with my wife I couldn’t even leave her to go to work without being given a guilt trip. My gf does however have a tendency to withdraw, as she has got a few family issues, her daughter has left to go travelling for a year and such like, so sometimes I will message her and not hear from her for hours as she has got things going around in her head that bothers her, but she assures me everything between us is ok, but because of my previous relationship dynamic, it worries me a little. ...

It seems like most couples I know who have healthy relationships, or at least "normal" relationships i.e. where a personality disorder is not present, either discuss expectations of responsiveness up front, or just handle things as they come without getting upset.  Something like "I expect at least a text message every day to say 'Hi' and check in."  I think that's okay.  Or if they haven't discussed expectations, but have some concerns, they discuss why someone didn't call, or what the concern was, and then either get an apology or explanation of why they were absent.  And then they're back on good terms  - i.e. no endless guilt trip, accusations, etc. and fights like with a pwBPD. 

So I think if you need more contact from your new partner, it's fine to make that request; just consider what you want and be prepared to accept it if it's provided, without then needing more (like a pwBPD would).  You could even try to frame it as a positive thing, not a request.  For example, "I love getting a little text from you now and then when we're apart."  But honestly, a couple hours of time is not a big deal, assuming that's all it is.  If you find yourself getting upset over it, maybe send a friendly text of your own, then find something else to do while you wait for a response so you're not obsessing over it.

...
So I guess I’m wondering, those of you that have got into relationships after one with a bpd partner. Have you felt a fear of abandonment, or any other issues. Has some of the negative traits of the pwBPD rubbed off on you. Have you found it strange, adjusting to what seems like a normal healthy relationship from the rollercoaster ride you were used to.

I did for a while; I'd occasionally find myself apologizing for something I didn't need to, or over-explaining why I wanted to do something else, etc., out of concern it would provoke a fight.   

I think I didn't pick up any negative traits from BPDxw, although I did find myself expecting to fight similar battles all over again, and was overly sensitive to concerns about things being too one-sided in my new partner's favor, or things like that.  I had to learn to stay calm and not let my emotions set the tone for how I communicated. 

[Rowdy]

Thanks for that Pete

I’ve got no concerns whatsoever about having similar battles id had with my ex, I’ve done the ground work and prepared for 14 months by really getting to know my girlfriend and forming a solid bond before we started our relationship so I know she is nothing like her. And I have always been very calm, very laid back and in control of my emotions, even throughout my previous relationship, which is probably a factor as I had no fear of abandonment or concerns my wife would leave me but she did.

I’ve discussed it with her in the last week and told her that I value our relationship a lot. She knows the situation I’ve been through and how I’ve been treated, and I think she did worry a little about my ex. I think looking at the behaviour of my ex, the fact that her boyfriend was telling her he loved her within a week of us splitting up (2 months after his own wife left him after a 30 year marriage) and knowing how disordered and insecure they both are I’ve been conscious not to love bomb my gf and it’s actually taken me until this last week, 9 months to tell her that I love her. I think we have both been scared to say it, and I have been worried it might push her away but now I have I think it has helped massively. It has kind of opened the floodgates of emotion. I know it is reciprocated. She has told me every day since I said it that she loves me, today she said we are perfect together and she has always known that.

Everyone that knows us says it too, that we are perfect together and I don't think any of them are surprised that we are together now. Even her ex boyfriend, someone I’ve known for a very long time that actually grew up living next door to my wife, who’s sister was one of her best friends, has said he is pleased we are together and deserve to be together, and that my wife didn’t deserve to be with me.
It’s kind of the opposite of what everyone thought about my wife and I, even her own father told me she didn’t deserve me. I guess sometimes I just feel a little vulnerable now, which I never felt before.

[Rowdy]

Borderline raises its ugly head.

. A couple of days before Valentine’s Day I went round my gf’s house and she told me she had received a Valentine’s Day card from her ex, that has got bpd. I’d asked her if he knew she was in a relationship with me and she said not, but knew she was in a relationship with her previous boyfriend.

The Sunday before last was 1 year since we got together. I’d asked in the morning if she wanted to do something but she said see how the day goes and she would let me know. We didnt end up doing anything and she didn’t invite me over. Two days later she sit up with me.

When she split up with me she informed me that she had received a letter from her bpd ex the Tuesday a week before. Postman comes at lunchtime, that morning she had messaged telling me she loves me followed by another with

[Mutt]

I remember feeling something similar for a while after my relationship ended. When you’ve been in a dynamic with a lot of intensity, constant texting, and emotional ups and downs, you can get kind of synchronized to that rhythm. When things are calmer and more stable, it can actually feel strange at first, even if it’s healthier.

It took me some time to adjust my own habits and thought patterns. Sometimes just recognizing “this is my old conditioning talking” helped me step back from it.

A few books that talk about this kind of adjustment are Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger and I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me by Jerold Kreisman. They explain how people who’ve been in long BPD dynamics can develop hyper-vigilance or get used to the intensity, and why normal relationships can feel different for a while.

[Pook075]

Hi Rowdy,

You know our stories are very similar; my wife left out of the blue for another guy as well.  She also told me to get on dating sites, to find someone.  I think the big difference in our stories, however, is that my wife physically left.  So if there was any jealousy or raging, I wasn't around it and didn't know about it.

I met my current wife about 9 months after separation, divorced a year after that (courts were super slow during COVID), and around the 2-year mark I moved to my current wife's area.  The goal was to date and just make sure I wasn't rushing into anything. 

Like you, I saw so many glaring differences.  And this may sound strange, but I would focus more on our conflicts than our mutual love.  What happens when we disagree?  Can we talk through it?  Can we give and take to find a solution that works for both of us?  Will she play the victim every time I don't agree?

That's what told me it was real.  Not that we're perfect together or anything, but that we can work together to overcome anything.  That's what I didn't have for 25 years of my life, and that's the one area I refused to ever compromise on again.

I'll be married two years in July and it's been so amazing- I still catch myself every now and then thinking, "Wow, so this is what a healthy relationship feels like."  It's the little stuff that gets me, stuff I never experienced before, thoughtful gifts or back rubs or how my wife always flirts with me.  In just 18 months, it stopped being me or her...it's us.  It's always us.  And it's an incredible feeling daily.

[Rowdy]

Hi Pook. Yes very similar. My wife physically left too. Well I left, slept on my sons couch for 3 months, told my wife to leave and move in with her boyfriend if she wanted to break our family up, so I could move back in the house.

My message got cut in half earlier, for some reason.

As I was explaining, my what was current girlfriend received a letter from her bpd ex partner, from over 3 years ago. The morning of the letter arriving, before it came through the post, everything was good. It had gone from a couple of weeks before her telling me I am amazing, perfect and exactly what she needs, that she was incredibly loved up. That morning telling me she loved me. As soon as that letter came through the door it just stopped. No more I love yous, not even asking me how I was when I’d txt asking her how she was.

We broke up a week ago. She says she loves me, even last night saying I am an amazing man, but she isn’t quite sure why we have split up. She can’t really explain it other than she feels unbalanced. She still messages me daily and she even video calls me, or has done for the last 4 days and we chat for two hours. We talk, we don’t argue. I’ve explained that everything points to that letter coming through the post that has triggered her but she won’t accept it, saying she doesn’t want to get back with him and doesn’t think it’s the cause. I’m not convinced. I mean I don’t think she really wants to get back with him, but I’ve been in the situation where contact from an ex with bpd does put thoughts in your head. You know it’s not right, you know it would be dangerous to get back in that situation, but it doesn’t stop you thinking. It’s incredibly frustrating because we have not argued once. Even this situation is just rational exchanges of conversation.

[Mutt]

Rowdy, if I’m understanding this correctly, it sounds like things between you and your girlfriend were going well for quite a while. You took your time before starting the relationship, got to know each other, and by your description it felt calm and respectful. Very different from what you experienced in your marriage.

Then the letter from her ex arrived and around that same time you noticed a shift. The “I love you” messages stopped, she became more distant, and within about a week she ended the relationship saying she felt “unbalanced.” At the same time, she’s still staying in close contact with you. Daily messages, video calls, long conversations.

That’s a confusing place to be. On one hand the relationship has ended, but the emotional connection is still very active.

One thing that stood out to me is that you’re still interacting with her in many of the same ways you would if you were still together. Long conversations and emotional support. Sometimes keeping that same level of contact can make it harder for both people to figure out what the relationship actually is now.

If it were me, I might consider stepping back a little from the boyfriend-level contact. Not out of anger, just to create some space so things can settle and become clearer. When someone says they feel unbalanced and ends the relationship, giving them room to sort through that can sometimes bring more clarity for both people.

[Pook075]

Hi Pook. Yes very similar. My wife physically left too. Well I left, slept on my sons couch for 3 months, told my wife to leave and move in with her boyfriend if she wanted to break our family up, so I could move back in the house.

My message got cut in half earlier, for some reason.

As I was explaining, my what was current girlfriend received a letter from her bpd ex partner, from over 3 years ago. The morning of the letter arriving, before it came through the post, everything was good. It had gone from a couple of weeks before her telling me I am amazing, perfect and exactly what she needs, that she was incredibly loved up. That morning telling me she loved me. As soon as that letter came through the door it just stopped. No more I love yous, not even asking me how I was when I’d txt asking her how she was.

We broke up a week ago. She says she loves me, even last night saying I am an amazing man, but she isn’t quite sure why we have split up. She can’t really explain it other than she feels unbalanced. She still messages me daily and she even video calls me, or has done for the last 4 days and we chat for two hours. We talk, we don’t argue. I’ve explained that everything points to that letter coming through the post that has triggered her but she won’t accept it, saying she doesn’t want to get back with him and doesn’t think it’s the cause. I’m not convinced. I mean I don’t think she really wants to get back with him, but I’ve been in the situation where contact from an ex with bpd does put thoughts in your head. You know it’s not right, you know it would be dangerous to get back in that situation, but it doesn’t stop you thinking. It’s incredibly frustrating because we have not argued once. Even this situation is just rational exchanges of conversation.

That's quite bizarre.  Let me ask, does your girlfriend have kids with the ex?  Or other things that bind them (a property, an investment, something like that)?  It feels like the context of the letter would really matter here.

I agree with Mutt, taking a step back to let the dust settle might make sense.  Something is clearly off and if she can't share what that is, maybe you both need a little bit of time.

[Rowdy]

That's quite bizarre.  Let me ask, does your girlfriend have kids with the ex?  Or other things that bind them (a property, an investment, something like that)?  It feels like the context of the letter would really matter here.

I agree with Mutt, taking a step back to let the dust settle might make sense.  Something is clearly off and if she can't share what that is, maybe you both need a little bit of time.

I agree with Mutt too. In fact my plan was to go little to no contact but she kept reaching out.

With regards to the ex with bpd that sent the letter. No, they have no kids, no shared property, no ties whatsoever. The context of the letter is as follows. Talking about losing a parent and the other parent nearing end of life. Telling my ex he has sold all his music/stopped playing music etc as he only did it for her. So basically pulling at her heart strings. Then mentioning he is moving abroad, to a country where she used to live, a place she loves and likes to get away on holiday to as much as possible. So dangling a carrot.

She did say the letter is contradictory, saying how he was so emotional about his parent that needs care, but also saying he was moving abroad so wouldn’t be around to give his parent the care they need. She then told me a mutual friend had told her he was going on holiday for a month to that country not moving there, and she knows he is a liar.

[Pook075]

She did say the letter is contradictory, saying how he was so emotional about his parent that needs care, but also saying he was moving abroad so wouldn’t be around to give his parent the care they need. She then told me a mutual friend had told her he was going on holiday for a month to that country not moving there, and she knows he is a liar.

Hmm, I "sort of" get it.  I mean, if my ex's in-laws start to go downhill, I'll want to support however I can.  They were mostly good to me over the years and I still love them...it's not their fault their daughter fled our marriage.  So I can see being pulled back in to some degree by a letter like that, even though I still would want very little to do with my actual ex.

Maybe you're right, maybe it stirred up so many former memories, it's just making this a tough moment in time.  Hopefully if you give her some grace and wait it out a bit, there's still a chance things can work out.

The last part though- that he's concerned for a sick parent yet going out of the country for a month, that sort of boils my blood.  My BPD daughter is notorious for using other people's misfortune as a way to seek sympathy in her life, and it's one of the few things I still struggle with not reacting to.  There's wrong, then there's WRONG!!!  This is certainly the latter for me.

Keep your head up, my friend, and I hope this works itself out soon.

[Rowdy]

So do I. She is a good woman. She has much on her mind at the moment. I’ve said when a relationship gets to a year something usually comes along to test that relationship.

There are many things. She has fallen out with her brother and not spoken to him for two years, because their parents are elderly and need help and she feels she isn’t getting that help from him.
Her daughter has gone travelling for a year, and 4 months in she is missing her.
She has a bad knee and couldn’t really walk. She hasn’t been able to work in the bar for over a month. She feels she hasn’t been supported by people at work and the atmosphere has been toxic there for a while (it has, I agree) and she thought I wasn’t supporting her or sticking up for her because I hadn’t told her that I actually had. She now knows I have, and thanked me and also thanked me for the fact that in a year I only missed going in for one of her shifts and that I used to help her tidy up and lock up without fail (well once, in a year) She quit the job this Saturday and feels better for doing so.
Our year anniversary of getting together. I’d asked her in the morning if she wanted to do something. She said see how the day goes and we didn’t end up doing anything. I’d gone home to feed the dogs and made some pizza dough to cook a couple of pizzas. We had spoken about doing this together as I’d suggested it a few weeks ago, and when she asked what I was up to I told her I had made some pizza dough. Because I am an idiot I didn’t realise this was insensitive and would trigger her, as in my male brain I think we can do this together whenever and the fact I was doing it to knock up some food for my son wasn’t a problem. It was.

That being said, it’s the only mistake I have made in a year. Although this was nearly a week after the letter came, and the messages changed

[Pook075]

That is a lot to deal with at once, all while being out of work and not really feeling missed by your team members.  I can see how that would really weigh on someone- especially with her kid out living life.

For the pizza thing, I wouldn't sweat it too much.  You did it with honest intentions and it didn't work out that way.  In real relationships, people forgive and forget, so hopefully that's what you have.