Broke up with my ex and went no contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all, just joined, and it's been over two months since I left. I've been seeing a therapist, which has helped me. Still, towards the end of the relationship, I decided to look into the behaviors, and many of my Google searches led me to this website, which helped me understand what was going on. I believe he has undiagnosed BPD, and talking to my therapist, who also agreed, and also mentioned they had narcissistic traits and antisocial behaviors, besides all of the lies, using sex as more of a reward system or a weapon, pushing boundaries constantly, manipulation, gaslighting, and signs of cheating. He also showed odd behaviors, like when he was upset at me, he would pull hair off his body, and his facial expressions showed pain when he did it, because he knew this was a feature that attracted me to him, as if he was hurting himself to hurt me emotionally. And there were patterns. Whenever he was upset or mad, he would talk about poisoning me, jokes about murdering me, and burying my body, and how to do it so no one would find it.

Of course, I feel so stupid (I know I'm not supposed to) for dealing with this behavior and trying to help him. I ask myself now why I never left earlier, but no matter how hard I tried, nothing seemed to work. he would get worse. My therapist said I developed a trauma bond, which makes it incredibly difficult to leave even when it is an emotionally abusive relationship. I really am trying my best to move on, but I continue to ruminate on this entire relationship. I've been through breakups before and have never felt or dealt with anything like this. I thought it might be helpful to talk to other people who know exactly what it was like, because most people who haven't experienced it don't honestly know the emotional roller coaster it can be. So much went on, but these were the significant things that have disturbed me. Thank you for reading, and any replies that come with it.

[Cjay85]

Hello all, just joined, and it's been over two months since I left. I've been seeing a therapist, which has helped me. Still, towards the end of the relationship, I decided to look into the behaviors, and many of my Google searches led me to this website, which helped me understand what was going on. I believe he has undiagnosed BPD, and talking to my therapist, who also agreed, and also mentioned they had narcissistic traits and antisocial behaviors, besides all of the lies, using sex as more of a reward system or a weapon, pushing boundaries constantly, manipulation, gaslighting, and signs of cheating. He also showed odd behaviors, like when he was upset at me, he would pull hair off his body, and his facial expressions showed pain when he did it, because he knew this was a feature that attracted me to him, as if he was hurting himself to hurt me emotionally. And there were patterns. Whenever he was upset or mad, he would talk about poisoning me, jokes about murdering me, and burying my body, and how to do it so no one would find it.

Of course, I feel so stupid (I know I'm not supposed to) for dealing with this behavior and trying to help him. I ask myself now why I never left earlier, but no matter how hard I tried, nothing seemed to work. he would get worse. My therapist said I developed a trauma bond, which makes it incredibly difficult to leave even when it is an emotionally abusive relationship. I really am trying my best to move on, but I continue to ruminate on this entire relationship. I've been through breakups before and have never felt or dealt with anything like this. I thought it might be helpful to talk to other people who know exactly what it was like, because most people who haven't experienced it don't honestly know the emotional roller coaster it can be. So much went on, but these were the significant things that have disturbed me. Thank you for reading, and any replies that come with it.