I accepted his invitation to the crazy party

[FeelingStronger]

Things had been going fairly well for a while but there have been a number of stressors in my husband’s and my life lately so I should have anticipated a melt down. Unfortunately, it finally came and it was a doozy. My husband accused me of all sorts of things. I should have walked away but I let myself get sucked into the argument and spent way too much time JADEing. I have a hard time not trying to make him see the obvious logic of my point of view when what he is saying is so unfair and untrue. I’ve been reviewing posts on here and realize I only added fuel to the crazy fire he started. I can’t redo the conversation so I’m trying to forgive myself for losing control and think ahead so I don’t fall down this path again. It is hard because he knows how to hurt me and push my buttons. All I can do is be better next time. I saw a post on here that said the only way to win is not to play the game - advice I should wish I had followed.
I’m not sure if we’ll recover from this one but we had arguments like this in the past - mostly before I found this site. So we’ll see how things progress when he gets in a better state of mind. In the meantime I will try to stop throwing fuel on the fire and not engage in pointless arguments.

[Under The Bridge]

Don't be so hard on yourself - remember; you're not the one with the problem, you're the one trying to cope with their problems.

It's only natural to hit back when we're being abused, we've all done it and found that, in the disordered, illogical world of the BPD, it doesn't work because they'll see it as further proof they were 'in the right'.  Equally, saying or doing nothing can also have that effect, as that will reinforce their beliefs too. We can't win.

Some boundaries would help - such as saying 'I'm leaving the room until we can discuss this calmly'. Nothing heavy, just a means to defuse the moment. You need to stick to any boundaries you set though, as the BPD will test them.

Of course you're concerned about your partner but you should also take care of yourself too, and your own well-being.

[FeelingStronger]

Thank you. Everything you said is very true and things I know but need to be reminded of particularly when we’re not in the heat of the moment. It is good to remember that had I said nothing it would also be used against me. I still wish I had remained calm and set a boundary to not engage until we can have a productive conversation. I will try to stick to that today.
Thank you for your understanding.

[Pook075]

I’m not sure if we’ll recover from this one but we had arguments like this in the past - mostly before I found this site. So we’ll see how things progress when he gets in a better state of mind. In the meantime I will try to stop throwing fuel on the fire and not engage in pointless arguments.

Yeah, you must give yourself some grace.  If the standard is being perfect 100% of the time in a relationship, we're all doomed.  Marriage is about trust and forgiveness...from you and from him.  It feels unfair that we must forgive because they're mentally ill, but that's the tough truth; we have to lead in these situations.

That doesn't mean blindly forgive either though; there has to be some boundaries in place.  It's not okay to scream or put people down.  It's definitely not okay to break things or intimidate someone.  That soft of stuff, you walk away and make it clear you're not playing that game.  It gets worse before it gets better, but eventually you can find balance.

How long have you been together?  Is this the worst blow-up so far?  Tell us a little about your relationship.

[FeelingStronger]

I think I’m particularly disappointed in myself because things had been improving. I was probably being optimistic in not expecting an outburst like this. We’ve been married for 31 years and have two grown sons (both out of the house). They are both better than I am at setting boundaries with him. I would say my husband is high functioning but he has never been diagnosed. At times he’s been receptive to the idea of getting counseling and will acknowledge the problem but then he backs off and I stop pushing when things are okay because I don’t want to rock the boat. I’m not sure I would classify this as the worst incident but it is up there.

[Me88]

Like everyone else has said, don't be so hard on yourself, although we all were at some point. I'm the king of JADE'ing. It's a fools errand. No matter how clear a situation is, you are wrong. If you JADE you're accused of not caring, hearing them, and denying their reality/gaslighting. If you walk away, you're accused of not caring about them or fighting for the relationship. You always lose. SOMETIMES I found success in saying we needed to pause the argument until we're calm. She'd thank me for diffusing it and we might be ok. Other times it didn't work at all and we NEEDED to argue for hours about how bad I was.

Therapy would be a very good starting point, if he truly sees an issue and wants to grow, but that too is very rare.

[PeteWitsend]

I think I’m particularly disappointed in myself because things had been improving. I was probably being optimistic in not expecting an outburst like this. We’ve been married for 31 years and have two grown sons (both out of the house). They are both better than I am at setting boundaries with him. I would say my husband is high functioning but he has never been diagnosed. At times he’s been receptive to the idea of getting counseling and will acknowledge the problem but then he backs off and I stop pushing when things are okay because I don’t want to rock the boat. I’m not sure I would classify this as the worst incident but it is up there.

You've made the case for him about getting therapy (multiple times, it sounds like), to no avail.  Suffice to say he's aware of the issue, but in denial, and if he ever did have the ability or will to get help for himself, he would have done so already. 

I think it's best to put these sort of hopes aside and focus on what you can control, which is really only yourself and how you react to him. 

There are plenty of helpful links under the "Tips" and "Tools" section of this website on how to manage your own emotions and reactions to the pwBPD so that you can defuse conflicts before, or as they start. 

It isn't easy though! A lot of people - myself included - throw in the towel for whatever reason.  But if you're committed to staying together, and don't view a separation or divorce as an option, then you're best bet is to focus on learning how to manage and defuse the outbursts, especially learning how to keep them from catching you off guard.  It's all too easy to forget your "training" when it's a high-stress situation. 

[SinisterComplex]

Things had been going fairly well for a while but there have been a number of stressors in my husband’s and my life lately so I should have anticipated a melt down. Unfortunately, it finally came and it was a doozy. My husband accused me of all sorts of things. I should have walked away but I let myself get sucked into the argument and spent way too much time JADEing. I have a hard time not trying to make him see the obvious logic of my point of view when what he is saying is so unfair and untrue. I’ve been reviewing posts on here and realize I only added fuel to the crazy fire he started. I can’t redo the conversation so I’m trying to forgive myself for losing control and think ahead so I don’t fall down this path again. It is hard because he knows how to hurt me and push my buttons. All I can do is be better next time. I saw a post on here that said the only way to win is not to play the game - advice I should wish I had followed.
I’m not sure if we’ll recover from this one but we had arguments like this in the past - mostly before I found this site. So we’ll see how things progress when he gets in a better state of mind. In the meantime I will try to stop throwing fuel on the fire and not engage in pointless arguments.

So you didn't accept the invitation to the crazy party. You are human and your emotions got the better of you. It will happen again. Just try to get better each time and learn something new each time. Step by step. No one is perfect and we all fall prey.

Just remember you have to know your own boundaries and always be willing to enforce them and not relent on them.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Me88]

So you didn't accept the invitation to the crazy party. You are human and your emotions got the better of you. It will happen again. Just try to get better each time and learn something new each time. Step by step. No one is perfect and we all fall prey.

Just remember you have to know your own boundaries and always be willing to enforce them and not relent on them.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

I like this response. We're all human and you can only take so much abuse before reactively abusing. It's a crappy situation to find yourself in; not recognizing yourself in an argument. IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. When learning, it's best to have MANY tools to work with, as I've found what works one time will not always work. If they want to fight, they will make sure it happens unless you walk away.

[Skip]

Things had been going fairly well for a while but there have been a number of stressors in my husband’s and my life...

Congratulations on 35 years—and on the extended stretch of things going well. And congratulations as well on making a conscious effort to expand your emotional intelligence. We aren’t born with much of it; it’s something we develop over time, and as it grows, it serves us well.

So things were stable… and then a border dispute broke out. Rules of engagement collapsed, followed by hand to hand comflict. Why?

When people—anyone—are under stress, their brains shift into a kind of survival mode that prioritizes immediate relief over thoughtful behavior. Stress floods the body with hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which can narrow perspective, reduce patience, and impair the parts of the brain responsible for impulse control and empathy.

When this happens, small frustrations feel larger, neutral comments can seem threatening, and people may lash out, withdraw, or act selfishly—not because they are inherently unkind, but because their mental and emotional resources are temporarily depleted. In this state, behavior often reflects an attempt to regain control or release pressure rather than a person’s true character.

As you noted, people with BPD traits are typically the first to break down under these conditions. But those same stressors will wear everyone down to some extent.

One interesting aspect of people with BPD traits is how—relatively speaking—they can return to baseline fairly quickly if the conflict is not re-ignited. By contrast, others may be slower to let things go, sometimes carrying lingering resentments that quietly smolder and later reignite the flames or show up in a future skirmish.

My thoughts? Put it in the rear view mirror... without prejudice... give him the space he needs to do the same (on his own, don't help him)... and then get back on the track you were on.