I need a friend and some support-worn out mom of 23 yr old daughter with BPD

[CheckM2002]

Hi, this is my first post.  I've read a lot about BPD, I went through Family Connections, and I've been in therapy for many years. I've read posts here and know without a doubt that I'm in the right place because reading so many posts, it seemed like you all were telling my story.  I am feeling lost in my world and really could use a friend and some support.

Here's a little bit about me. I was married for 25 years when I lost my husband 10 years ago. He was an alcoholic, verbally abusive, and most likely had bipolar and BPD traits. Our daughter was a handful from the start, colicky, and her terrible 2's never ended. She was diagnosed ADHD and was socially challenged. She had counseling and medication for her ADHD from 9 years old until about 12 or 13. At that point, I could see BPD traits in her. Her dad I think realized he wasn't cut out for parenthood and had repeatedly said it was a mistake having her...and she must of heard...he was not a quiet man. He was out hunting on my 50th birthday, slipped and fell getting into his tree stand, and died less than 2 weeks before my daughter's 13th birthday.  31 days before his death, my Dad died. I lost my Mom 8 years earlier, both brothers 2 years after, and 2 nieces in between. The grief has been enormous, and I've done grief support groups and counseling to help, but I am looking at my daughter's BPD as another major grief-I'm grieving the loss of the life I hoped she'd have.

My supports are very limited, most of the people closest to me have died. We were already estranged from my late husband's family due to his mental state, and although they made an appearance in our lives when he passed, they quickly exited. That's another loss, some of them were not terrible humans, , but there was a toxic level of dysfunction, and honestly, I don't know how much support they would provide. I have a sister who doesn't live in this country, and I text her, she knows of some of what I'm going through, and her solution for everything is prayer-which I do and appreciate, but she can't provide practical support. I have a family I'm close to in my neighborhood, but my daughter and their daughter are no longer friends. I tried using them as a support and they told their daughter, who told my daughter, and that is still one of the verbal weapons she uses against me. I have a friend at work who knows about my situation, and as her boss, I felt I was over sharing, so I don't share as much and haven't since I started therapy many years ago. One other friend is not nearby and has hearing loss, making phone calls difficult. I also have a boyfriend, but my daughter's BPD has been a constant challenge-he's not been able to stay overnight and we only see each other about once a week.

About me, I'm 60, work full-time for a non-profit as a director, and have had to add on covering the work of a secretary and biller. I also am a reseller online to try to launch a career for my retirement. Luckily my job allows me to work from home most of the week. My health is not great, I have fibromyalgia, myofascial pain syndrome, anxiety, ADHD, borderline diabetis, etc.  The stress of parenting/caregiving has made me feel like I'm aging too fast. I am not great at self care!

Like many of your pwBPD, my daughter is great in-between episodes. Also, like many of your pwBPD, she has other issues...Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, ADHD, and undiagnosed OCD and learning disorder. She has been in inpatient mh hospitals probably 6 times, partial day 2 times, outpatient many times, on and off of several meds (but now refusing any meds or help), and had 1 suicide attempt 2 or 3 years ago. I've had to call 911 on her at least 5 times. She's been mostly verbally and emotionally abusive to me, and has crossed the line to being physically abusive at least 3 times. I'm used to her threatening suicide on a very regular basis (a sad thing no one should ever be used to), but what worries me is that she's escalated from wanting to kill herself to wishing I was dead so she could kill herself, to now wishing she wasn't scared to kill me so she could kill herself. And the cops don't seem to care about that because it wasn't on the same day as her being so belligerent and verbally abusive that I called 911-but what did get her taken into the hospital is her threat to kill herself and videotape it so I could watch.  All of this is a lot to handle with no real support!

She does live with me. She never got her driver's license due to covid restrictions and my car problems, and then her learners permit expired. It was terrifying driving with her as she was trying to learn. She doesn't like me telling her what to do, I'd get baffled and not give good enough directions, which was not surprising after she threatened to kill us both in the car. Now her anxiety is so high even as a passenger, that I'm not sure she really wants to drive, and without treatment, I'd say she'd be a dangerous person on the road. My boyfriend is annoyed that I have to drive her everywhere and thinks I'm coddling her by not pushing her to drive, but I know it's a safety issue and want her to be more stable before getting a license. She does work 2 part-time jobs, and how she's not been fired is beyond me, but I am thankful that she is working, even though it's a lot of driving for me. She also takes college classes on and off. She currently has one friend who has mh issues, probably also BPD, and they've been on and off friends for years. She doesn't have a boyfriend, and has had a history of being date raped.

My goal for myself is to find myself again. I am feeling lost. I know I need more support, like real support, and it would be nice to eventually increase the number of in person friends in my life who can accept me and not judge my daughter. My goal for my daughter is getting her BPD stabilized and helping her to become more independent. She is terribly immature, wants to be taken care of, and she's afraid of what will happen to her after I die. I share that fear. I've tried to coach her on life skills and it usually ends in triggering an episode. At best, that means 3 hours of my life listening to how I've done her wrong, I'm a bad parent, no one cares, no one listens, you all know the drill At worst, it ends in me calling 911. She is not even 5 feet tall, but I've seen her eyes turn black and evil, and it is frightening to be near her when she's dissociating and lashing out.

I know I didn't cause her problems, I know how to validate (which she sees as a funny and fake thing that I do when she's in an episode), I love my kid, I know she has had trauma in her life, I know her brain doesn't respond in a healthy way, I know she's so perceptive and can be triggered by the littlest of things, and I know that she can't help that she has BPD and all of the other mh issues. I lost my dad to Dementia, a brother to ALS, and others to Cancer...and all of those are typically the things you hope no one in your circle gets...and I'd have to say the BPD feels so much worse and more personal than the rest.

So, anyways, that's enough of my story for now. I'm glad this exists so I have a chance to get real support and hopefully offer it too. Nice to meet you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi,

Wow, you've been through a lot.  You've come to the right place.

Clearly your daughter has been a source of stress for you, and at 23, you've been dealing with this for over a decade, all by yourself.  You must feel exhausted, exasperated and constantly on edge, as well as mournful for a more normal life.

While living with your daughter must produce a ton of strain, I see some very positive signs:  she's able to work outside the home.  Even if she gets fired or quits, she has been able to find another job, in spite of all her difficulties.  That indicates some level of competency, determination, perseverence and maturity.  Good job to the both of you!  I think working at a job provides all sorts of benefits, including spending money, a healthy routine, a sense of purpose and identity.  It also gets her out of the house, so you can devote some time and mindspace to your own life, rather than spend all of your time concetrating on her dysfunction.  Even if she is immature in some respects given her BPD, I think that if she's working regularly, she's on the right track.

I get that pwBPD can seem extremely needy and immature.  It has helped me to think of the pwBPD in my life as immature from an emotional standpoint.  In my opinion, her emotional age is only around 70% of her chronological age.  So at 23, she was operating with the emotional skills of a 16-year-old.  At age 23, world treated her as a full-fledged, autonomous adult, but she was simply unprepared and ill equipped.  She couldn't handle job coaching, or overcome setbacks, or navigate complex social relationships, let alone muster the mental resources to work a full eight-hour shift.  She felt lost and confused in a world without the rigid guidelines (and chaperones) of high school.  She was impatient, entitled, self-centered, had zero tolerance for discomfort, and unprepared for the stresses and demands of adulthood.  Moreover, since she grew up with parents who tended to over-function for her (in the name of keeping her stable), she hadn't really learned some of the boring, administrative aspects of adulthood--paying bills, managing her schedule, following a budget, navigating public transportation, handling appointments, resolving conflicts, paying taxes, preparing meals, etc.  Thus, at 23, she was bumping up against a complex adult's world with deficiencies in emotional regulation and critical life skills.  It's almost no wonder to me why she felt constantly overwhelmed and crumbled under the stress of daily life.  Does that sound about right?

Even so, being delayed in emotional and life skills doesn't have to last forever.  I think she just needs extra support, reassurance and learning opportunities to catch up.  My hope is that at around 30, she will have "caught up" and will be operating with the maturity of a 21-year-old adult.

I guess my question to you is, what would be the most pressing issue for you two right now?  Is it your daughter learning to drive?  Or maybe taking on more household responsibilities?  What do you think would be most helpful vis-a-vis your living situation?  I think my suggestion would be to try to take one baby step at a time.  Change is hard, especially with BPD negative thinking habits, so I think baby steps are the way to go.

Let's say what's really stressing you out is having to drive your daughter everywhere.  Maybe you say:  Starting next month, my work commitments will allow me to drive you only 30 minutes per day.  Then step back and let your daughter find a solution to her transportation problem.  Maybe she finds a carpool.  Maybe she takes public transportation.  Maybe she signs up for a Driver's Education class.  Maybe she devotes part of her pay to take an Uber home.  Maybe she buys a used bike.  Maybe she finds employment closer to home.  Maybe she finds a living situation with a roommate near her place of work, and she decides to spend weekends at home with you.  As adults, we all have to learn to operate within a budget of time, money and resources.  I think the key is to allow your daughter to come up with the solution that works best for her, within the constraints you set as head of your household.  If you give her time and space to find a solution, she might surprise you.  (As long as you make it clear that the solution is NOT to quit working and sit at home all day raging at you--if she does that, she needs to leave.)  Does that sound fair enough?

In the meantime, it sounds to me like you need to focus more on self-care.  Look, your daughter is 23 now.  I think you might consider transitioning your role from director-provider-protector-scheduler-nuturer-arranger-bailout person-financier to more of a mentor/coach/fan.  Sure, you can continue to reassure and nurture your daughter, but maybe you can give her more latitude to figure out how to solve some problems on her own.  If you "rush in" to fix things too quickly, you're actually depriving her of learning experiences.  If you do everything for her, she will basically learn helplessness.  But if you allow her to work out some of her own solutions, I think she'll get more confidence, which she probably sorely needs.  You might need to reassure her and remind her often about how proud you are of her for "adulting."  I think that, since you're constantly bracing yourself for the next meltdown, you might forget to notice how well she's actually doing.  Sure, she's going to slip up, A LOT.  But the key is to get back on track as soon as possible.  If she's working, she's "on track" in my opinion.  The direction of movement is way more important than speed in my opinion.

All the best to you.

[CheckM2002]

CC43, thank you for your words-they helped validate that there has been progress if my daughter is working.  Thank you for your question about the most pressing issue - in my mind that is to get her into treatment, again.  That has been an uphill battle.  She finally asked for help last Spring, and we decided to start with her doctor's office, as they have a Social Worker on staff.  He didn't want to take her on because he thought she needed to be someplace that offers different levels of care (or he didn't feel prepared to deal with a pwBPD).  He referred her to a place she was at before and liked, and it took us 2 months to get her in for intake and another 3 months after for her first session, and the therapist she saw worked contractually and could only see her once a month, at best. That didn't work out. After my recent 911 call, she did go with me to a place for an evaluation, but walked out before they called her in to talk. Her view of the MH system is that they don't care, based on therapists not wanting to work with her, taking too long to get an appointment, and the result of all of her hospitalizations being that nothing seemed to be better. She's not entirely wrong on that. I work in this field, and I can say that there are not many therapists certified to provide DBT as it should be provided, nor are there many who have the skillset to engage BPD clients and navigate the triangulation and other tactics. I am working with my therapist to find an option for my daughter, for when she's ready to do therapy.  In the meantime, the other most pressing issue is not driving. Given her degree of anxiety around it (and mine too), I think she needs to work on staying calm as a passenger before she'll be ready to get another learners permit, and we'll need private lessons with someone trained to help anxious drivers.  I think the most pressing issue right now is to engage her in learning how to do more household tasks. She asks what she'll do when I'm no longer here, and I think learning more about how to take care of the home will build confidence. I appreciate your insight about maturity, and I have hopes that it's on its own schedule and hopefully keeps moving forward.  Thank you again for your response!

[CC43]

Hey there, it sounds to me like you have your head on straight!  I feel that sometimes, parents are so overwhelmed that all they can see is a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.

It's true that for a time, the number one priority for the pwBPD in my life was therapy.  At first she resisted it, because she wanted to do other things (go on trips, re-enroll in school, etc.).  I totally understood her resistance to therapy, but by the same token, she had attempted suicide a number of times, and she was a mess.  Trying to go about life like a "normal" person was basically setting her up to fail, over and over again.  So in her case, it was important to focus mainly on therapy, until she was stabilized.  It was also important to find a therapist whom she trusted.  Once she started taking therapy seriously and became stabilized, she could take on progressively more obligations, like an online course, moving to her own apartment or trying a part-time job.  In hindsight, her progress moved fairly rapidly, because after the initial baby steps, she built both confidence and momentum.  The hardest part I think was getting her to commit to therapy.  She had to be the one who decided to commit to it.

But a crucial element was that her dad and I didn't make it easy for her to decide NOT to commit to therapy--we wouldn't continue to enable the status quo of BPD total dysfunction and suicidal threats/attempts.  We had to condition our financial/logistical support on getting therapy and doing EVERYTHING the doctors recommended, including medications, if any.  She could have chosen to go her own way, and I would have respected that choice, but then she'd have to make it on her own.  Fortunately, eventually she warmed to the notion of getting therapy from professionals.  I think it validated her narrative that she felt traumatized by life, and that she needed extra support to learn how to cope with her troubled past.  Almost anyone could benefit from learning emotional regulation and coping skills, right?  If she's feeling miserable, then shouldn't she give therapy a chance?  Therapy might help her feel better, and wouldn't that be worth the investment?  An added benefit is the relief of pressure on parents to solve all her problems, and take all the blame.  By now, I bet it's clear to you that you can't solve your daughter's problems, or control her mood.  Only she can do that.  She's the problem, but she's also the solution!  Your job can evolve from "fixer" to motivator--and ensuring that you set up an environment where therapy is facilitated.  After all, the professionals and doctors will know what to do, they've seen BPD cases hundreds of times, they know what works.

By the way, like your daughter, the pwBPD in my life resisted getting her driver's licence when she was a teenager.  She announced that she wasn't ready to drive.  I respected her for saying that, I really did, even if it meant her parents had to chaufer her around.  Eventually she overcame her hesitation and got her license, probably from a combination of peer pressure and the convenience factor.  Currently she can't afford a car and relies on public transportation, Ubers and the occasional ride with friends/family.  I guess my point is, it's normal to get a driver's license, but it's also normal not to drive.  Many young people can't afford a car.  I know I couldn't when I was starting out, and I got around just fine with almost every mode of transportation available (carpools, busses, trains, subways, taxis, walking, biking, hitching rides with friends . . . ).

All the best.

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi,
I can see why you are worn out. This is a lot to take on and also to grieve. I'm sorry for all of your losses.

I was struck by the safety concerns. If she is physical with you, I think that should be a call to police every time. If she threatens to kill you, I think that should also be a call. I know they may not do anything, but maybe having it on record, you could get her to be committed to a hospital stay if it keeps progressing.

I know they say a lot of things in the moment, but I worry for you in that way.