Setting boundaries for Christmas

[StAnne]

I’m fairly sure my adult daughter has BPD, as did her father - who I divorced two decades ago.  Her two younger sisters (both happily married and healthy) have each recently had a child (ages one and two). For Christmas week, everyone is coming to my (and my new husband’s) house that we recently moved and I’m very much looking forward to it.  My BPD daughter lives close;  the others do not and will be staying with us.   While I learned about BPD years ago (my ex had it) I never associated the condition with my oldest daughter until recently.  Yes, she had all the symptoms but masked them well with other issues (addiction).  I have always supported her and have been her safety blanket.   Recently though something triggered her and she has been sending me vile texts about how all her problems are due to how I raised her.  The texts are in large part delusional; her emotions are over the top and have little basis in fact.   Her sisters and I are very concerned.  I’ve never been good with setting boundaries for her.  My other two daughters are excited to have their families here for Christmas and told me not to worry that if she gets mean or angry or out of line they’ll ask her to take a break and leave.  They and their husbands are good at setting boundaries, but I want to be sure I also do all I can to create and maintain a peaceful atmosphere in a home we all love.  I’m reading relevant books and learned enough not to escalate or defend but it’s going to be hard.   Any advice as to strategies you may have engaged would be helpful. Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm glad you're able to have your family close during the holidays.  A few words of caution, however, when it comes to pwBPD.  I believe that stress and expectations run high during holidays, which tend to set up pwBPD for disappointment.  Merely seeing others be joyful could be intolerable for pwBPD, as the happiness is a stark contrast to their general misery.  One issue for the young adult pwBPD in my life is handling the well-meaning questions from relatives.  Questions such as, How is the job search going?  Do you have a boyfriend?  How's your apartment?  feel intrusive and judgmental, as she's overcome by feelings of insecurity and embarrassment.  Moreover, listening to cheerful updates from siblings, cousins or others, and seeing all the positive attention they get (Your baby is adorable!  Congratulations on the promotion!) make her feel inferior, jealous and furious.  If you dote on a grandchild, she's likely to believe that you NEVER loved her that much.  She can't handle not being the center of attention, either.  Cue a meltdown.

The pwBPD in my life can't bear the strong negative emotions around those sorts of interactions, and so she tends to stay away at holidays.  Historically, she has always been invited to the festivities, and while we're disappointed that she doesn't show up, we are rarely surprised.  The accommodation we've made for her is to celebrate just with her (and not extended family) on another day.  That way, she gets 100% of the parental attention, she avoids sibling rivalry, and she feels less ashamed/stressed out.  Examples would be to eat leftovers a day or two after Thanksgiving, or to exchange gifts a day or two after Christmas.  It's not ideal, but I think it's better than not seeing her at all, or worse, experiencing a meltdown in front of everyone, only alienating her even more than she already is.  I've always bought presents for her in the hopes that she will visit.  If she doesn't visit, then I just put them aside for later, or give them to someone else.

I guess if you were lucky enough to have your entire family for Christmas, then I might recommend something I call "energy management."  In other words, when people start to get restless or overexcited, I might say, I'm taking a walk to look at the decorations in the neighborhood!  Anyone want to join me?  I find that getting some fresh air and splitting up the group a bit can help calm things down.  Sometimes I manufacture little activities to create one-on-one time or re-direct some attention (Let's make hot cocoa for everyone!).  If your daughter has a meltdown, then I'd say, let her, in the sense that you give her time and space to calm herself down.  Don't engage, and don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).  If she storms off in a huff (which is what the pwBPD in my life usually does), don't chase after her, don't apologize for something you didn't do, and don't beg her to come back.  She needs an "adult time out" to pull herself together.  I'd say, give her that time and space, and get back to enjoing the holiday.  It's OK if your daughter chooses to be alone.  Know that you didn't do anything wrong.  If she's upset but not in full-meltdown mode, then maybe you can try to take down the temperature, using calming tones (I'm sorry you seem upset, I'm sure nobody meant to distress you, we're really glad you're here).  She needs lots and lots of reassurance.  Even though she's 30, emotionally she's probably immature.  Sometimes it helps me to think in terms of an "emotional age," which might be a many years younger than her chronological age.  For the pwBPD in my life, I estimate that her "emotional age" is around 70% of her chronological age.  She just needs some extra time to practice managing her emotions and find her place in the world.

Look, if your daughter is dredging up ancient grievances from childhood and blaming you for all her problems, that's classic BPD.  I think the reason she does that is because she's so insecure about the future, that she's deflecting and distracting herself by dwelling on the past.  In my opinion, the victim attitude is the worst part of BPD, because it renders her helpless.  She thinks she's powerless, which is why she blames YOU for her own problems.  She has to distort/contort reality drastically in order to convince herself that you're the reason she's miserable.  That disorganized and emotional thinking pattern leads to some of the "delusional" aspects of BPD, at the borderline between psychosis (losing touch with reality) and neurosis (emotional distress).

Anyway, I hope you have wonderful holidays.

[js friend]

Hi StAnne,

I think that it worth having some strategies in place before the big day.
I think that it may be worth meeting up to gauge how your dd is feeling towards everyone before the big day. I know that if she is civil now doesnt mean that she will still be civil on the day but meeting up with her alone may actually dampen things down beforehand.

Another idea is does dd have a friend(who you are familiar with) come round later in the day for some emotional support?. I know that my udd would often get more and more tense the longer that she was around others so it may be a good deflection for her as  if she is anything like my udd and not a great communicator and doesnt make the effort your dd will probably be feeling left out as her siblings will be with their families and not feel a part of one big happy family. From experience  I know that my udd has always behaved much better at family gatherings if she is engaged with one particular person. Other times that one particular person could not attend and it has turned into absolute chaos.

Also encouraging your udd before hand to get involved in the preparations beforehand may help if she is willing. Maybe she can do some food shopping, help decorate or make something like a dessert. My udd loved to help me make the dessert when she was younger but as she got older she just wanted to be waited on, but its and idea and may work for your dd.

I also think that you should allow your dd space and allow her to sit on the sidelines and not cajole her into being with the family if she doesnt want to. If she comes over and is happy to sit and watch then let her and just appreciate that she is there sitting quietly without any arguments or drama going on.