Navigating my dad's appeasement requests

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've spent the last two years in therapy processing the impact of BPD in three significant personal relationships--my mother, my ex-husband and my former stepson. I no longer have contact with the ex-husband or stepson, but I do still have a sometimes good, sometimes less good relationship with my mom.

I've learned how to navigate things with my mom much better for the most part, although there are still moments where I am triggered by her behaviors. The issue I have more difficulty navigating, and one that's been a regular discussion point in therapy, is my relationship with my dad when it comes to his enabling/appeasement of my mom, specifically because his enabling often involves asking me and my other siblings to participate in that enabling. We find ourselves essentially serving as his proxy in a relationship dynamic we didn't choose or agree to.

Of course he wouldn't identify it this way--I don't know if he even recognizes her BPD for what it. He sees her as "high maintenance" and "difficult to handle." My family is very religious and for him I think leaving her was never an option and the path of least resistance (appeasement) always seemed like his best path. Recognizing my resentment toward him for this in therapy this year was a big aha moment. My dad is one of the kindest, most empathetic people you will ever meet, so it's difficult for me to hold my deep love and also very real resentment toward him in the same space.

Now that I have named this dynamic for what it is, I am no longer willing to participate. But I need to figure out how to set these boundaries clearly and gently with him and my siblings. The challenge there is that my whole family knows how my mom is, and they will roll their eyes and complain about her, but for the most part, if the appeasement doesn't seem overly burdensome, they will just go along to get along. Or they'll do like I have often done in the past and try to find a way to avoid whatever the issue/conversation is altogether.

Here's an example of what this looks IRL, which just came up yesterday. My sister sent a long message to all the siblings about a message Dad had sent her. Mom is in victim mode again, throwing herself a pity party because she's the only one of our family without a college degree and that somehow excludes her from social opportunities, so she is "stuck" at home all the time. (Don't ask me to do the mental gymnastics on that one). And no one appreciates her. So Dad wants us to see if we can think of free or cheap classes that she could take to advance her education (they're low income). Also to give her a lot of compliments while everyone is home from Christmas.

I think my dad thinks these requests are benign. I think the rest of my family finds them annoying but also benign & they just don't want any drama. I, on the other hand, responded to my sister's message by saying that, while Dad has the prerogative to decide what his relationship with Mom looks like, we are all adults now and I think it's best we navigate our own individual relationships with her on our own terms.

I said it this way because honestly, deep down, I felt like if I simply said I was opting out, it would sound selfish because, I mean, how hard is it to give someone a few extra compliments? But we all know it goes deeper than that, because now I'm in the position of satisfying her emotional deficits for her.

My sister got a bit defensive (I wasn't debating with her, just saying how I planned to handle it) and basically said she was just relaying Dad's message. My brothers were both radio silent, which is typical. We all ignore the elephant in the room, despite the deep and lasting wounds we all carry from our tumultuous childhood (basically all of us are or have been in extremely dysfunctionial/unhealthy marriages).

I would love some ideas on how to communicate these boundaries with my dad and siblings both, without sounding like I just don't care. My sister has done some therapy but she's the only other one in my family who has. In some ways I feel like therapy gave me a whole new language to describe my personal experience, and now there's a translation issue when I try to talk about these issues with my family.

How do I explain why it's important to me to say I'm not going to tell my mom how much I appreciate her just to prop up her self worth, when it will just be this same cycle all over again next time?

[learning2breathe]

I've spent the last two years in therapy processing the impact of BPD in three significant personal relationships--my mother, my ex-husband and my former stepson. I no longer have contact with the ex-husband or stepson, but I do still have a sometimes good, sometimes less good relationship with my mom.

I've learned how to navigate things with my mom much better for the most part, although there are still moments where I am triggered by her behaviors. The issue I have more difficulty navigating, and one that's been a regular discussion point in therapy, is my relationship with my dad when it comes to his enabling/appeasement of my mom, specifically because his enabling often involves asking me and my other siblings to participate in that enabling. We find ourselves essentially serving as his proxy in a relationship dynamic we didn't choose or agree to.

Of course he wouldn't identify it this way--I don't know if he even recognizes her BPD for what it. He sees her as "high maintenance" and "difficult to handle." My family is very religious and for him I think leaving her was never an option and the path of least resistance (appeasement) always seemed like his best path. Recognizing my resentment toward him for this in therapy this year was a big aha moment. My dad is one of the kindest, most empathetic people you will ever meet, so it's difficult for me to hold my deep love and also very real resentment toward him in the same space.

Now that I have named this dynamic for what it is, I am no longer willing to participate. But I need to figure out how to set these boundaries clearly and gently with him and my siblings. The challenge there is that my whole family knows how my mom is, and they will roll their eyes and complain about her, but for the most part, if the appeasement doesn't seem overly burdensome, they will just go along to get along. Or they'll do like I have often done in the past and try to find a way to avoid whatever the issue/conversation is altogether.

Here's an example of what this looks IRL, which just came up yesterday. My sister sent a long message to all the siblings about a message Dad had sent her. Mom is in victim mode again, throwing herself a pity party because she's the only one of our family without a college degree and that somehow excludes her from social opportunities, so she is "stuck" at home all the time. (Don't ask me to do the mental gymnastics on that one). And no one appreciates her. So Dad wants us to see if we can think of free or cheap classes that she could take to advance her education (they're low income). Also to give her a lot of compliments while everyone is home from Christmas.

I think my dad thinks these requests are benign. I think the rest of my family finds them annoying but also benign & they just don't want any drama. I, on the other hand, responded to my sister's message by saying that, while Dad has the prerogative to decide what his relationship with Mom looks like, we are all adults now and I think it's best we navigate our own individual relationships with her on our own terms.

I said it this way because honestly, deep down, I felt like if I simply said I was opting out, it would sound selfish because, I mean, how hard is it to give someone a few extra compliments? But we all know it goes deeper than that, because now I'm in the position of satisfying her emotional deficits for her.

My sister got a bit defensive (I wasn't debating with her, just saying how I planned to handle it) and basically said she was just relaying Dad's message. My brothers were both radio silent, which is typical. We all ignore the elephant in the room, despite the deep and lasting wounds we all carry from our tumultuous childhood (basically all of us are or have been in extremely dysfunctionial/unhealthy marriages).

I would love some ideas on how to communicate these boundaries with my dad and siblings both, without sounding like I just don't care. My sister has done some therapy but she's the only other one in my family who has. In some ways I feel like therapy gave me a whole new language to describe my personal experience, and now there's a translation issue when I try to talk about these issues with my family.

How do I explain why it's important to me to say I'm not going to tell my mom how much I appreciate her just to prop up her self worth, when it will just be this same cycle all over again next time?

[Pook075]

How do I explain why it's important to me to say I'm not going to tell my mom how much I appreciate her just to prop up her self worth, when it will just be this same cycle all over again next time?

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm very sorry we're meeting under these circumstances but I'm glad you found us and shared a little bit of your journey.

For your specific example, I would actually take dad's side (even though the basis is 100% off).  There's no harm in telling your mom to take a few classes, that she's smart and capable enough to get back in school.

Now, I understand you don't want to because it's not about the topic at hand, it's a 24/7 cesspool of validating needs that are never quite enough.

At their core, BPDs need to feel needed.  And almost 100% of your mom's rants aren't over schooling or whatever, they're protests that she's not feeling needed, validated, etc in the moment.  He rant over schooling probably has nothing to do with anything and she's probably already forgot about it.  Now there's a new pressing need, and tomorrow there will be another.

Here's the thing though, when you "opt out" of that conversation, now you're proving your mom's delusions inside her mind that she's actually not needed or appreciated.  So for me, it's easier to just say, "You're smart and capable, go back to college if that's what you need."  Because what could she say after that?  Either she does it or she doesn't, but it's 100% her fault from that point forward.

Because that's the thing, your mom will never complain about what actually matters.  Why?  If she said that she didn't feel needed, and you say, "Nope mom, you're not," then that would break her in ways she couldn't recover from.  So it's always something else in an attempt to receive that same validation in less healthy ways. 

All I can say is God bless your dad.  I've been there and I did the same thing, having zero clue what was actually going on (because I was too close to the situation and too all-in on marriage).  She ultimately left me in the end to have an affair, so I hope and pray your dad doesn't end up in the same position.  I can see so clearly now that I enabled so much and accepted so much that I shouldn't have, but I don't regret it since I did it out of love and faith.

I hope that helps!