My adult daughter is in crisis mode

[HeavyLoad2bear]

My adult child has struggled w/mental health issues since a child but as an adult it’s very hard for her. She was told she’ bipolar & on meds for that but she meets the BPD criteria. She’s had medium risk surgery & now everything I ever did wrong or what she felt was wrong has been told to me.  Plus she is majorly depressed. She has been extreme in saying terrible things to me; I have made the mistake of trying to justify or defend my actions of now or her childhood.  I made a mistake in handling my divorcing her father; the children were in the middle. Their dad got custody because the social worker who reported to the judge was his relative.  And I left my emotionally husband who was good to the children but cold to me for a man who showed me warmth & love. I wanted the children but lost them 50 years ago.  My daughter reconciled some when a teen; my son never.  At times she & I are close, I love her, have done financial things for her to make her life nicer though she supports herself well. It was to shows love.  When I’ve asked her to eat w/me or me & boyfriend she’s “dieting.”.  Movies-she’s tired.  Two day trip sightseeing- didn’t enjoy it-suffered it out for me.  Sometimes we are fine & I’m a good mom & person.  But if I’m in a vulnerable state she’ll pounce on me.  Now she is suffering w/physical pain & problems w/recovery everything has come out.  I know I sound like poor me (it does hurt) but my constant worries are what will happen to her, anything I suggest for physical health like calling the surgeon to get answers & help are ignored. I know her childhood after she wasn’t with me wasn’t good, I’m sure it hurt mind. I never wanted to lose them. I feel guilty for the way the divorce went but I couldn’t stay.w/her dad.  My time since this started has been absorbed w/texting her to let her know I love her, I look online for answers & read a book about BPD.  I’m feeling now I shouldn’t.be  paying for mistakes by seeing her suffering.  I feel very guilting for trying to disengage & I know other adult children of divorce who at least have relationships w/bothbparrnts.  Is my divorce the cause of her bad depression?  What can I do?   I want her to be stable & well. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDad]

Welcome to a community of peer support.  We've "been there, experienced that".  We have an extensive library of collective wisdom, practical experience, skills and strategies that can be very helpful.  Browse our boards, learn and ask.

Having a child - yes, a grown child - with a problematic acting-out Personality Disorder is difficult to deal with, especially over the years.  But do not feel overly guilty that your life decisions are causing your child's conflict.  No matter how pristine you try to live your life, your daughter would still find things to complain about.

One of the aspects we experience is BPD F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt.)  In your case, you're being made to feel guilt.  Whether she says it or you just feel it yourself, understand that as an adult you have a right to ponder and make decisions in your own life.  Yes, you can include many factors involved, but in the final analysis it is your adult decision.

There are many events children don't like.  Maybe the family moves.  Maybe the vacation isn't one the child likes.  Maybe the rooms are painted in a color the child doesn't like.  Maybe the sun shines one day but not another.  Maybe... you get the idea.  Even if a marriage failed, it's unreasonable for a child to blame others when things aren't optimal.  The child may not like it but life is what it is and ought to be dealt with accordingly.  And when a child is grown, then it's time for that now-adult to take responsibility for her/his own life.

I'll add another historical note.  In decades past Borderline PD was viewed as not treatable and insurance typically would not pay for therapy.  So many therapists would instead diagnose Bipolar since it had similar behaviors and was covered by insurance because it did have treatments.  Today we do have approaches for BPD (DBT, CBT, etc) which have proven helpful even if not a cure.  Perhaps that is why she was told Bipolar?

The difference is that Bipolar is considered largely a chemical imbalance and meds can somewhat address that need.  But BPD is a cognitive imbalance and while meds might moderate poor behavior, long-term therapy is far more effective.  Well, if the patient is willing to diligently apply the counseling in thinking, perceptions and behavior.  PwBPD are known to exhibit a wide range of levels - from mild to extreme - of Denial, Projection, Blaming, Blame Shifting and more.