My adult daughter is in crisis mode

[HeavyLoad2bear]

My adult child has struggled w/mental health issues since a child but as an adult it’s very hard for her. She was told she’ bipolar & on meds for that but she meets the BPD criteria. She’s had medium risk surgery & now everything I ever did wrong or what she felt was wrong has been told to me.  Plus she is majorly depressed. She has been extreme in saying terrible things to me; I have made the mistake of trying to justify or defend my actions of now or her childhood.  I made a mistake in handling my divorcing her father; the children were in the middle. Their dad got custody because the social worker who reported to the judge was his relative.  And I left my emotionally husband who was good to the children but cold to me for a man who showed me warmth & love. I wanted the children but lost them 50 years ago.  My daughter reconciled some when a teen; my son never.  At times she & I are close, I love her, have done financial things for her to make her life nicer though she supports herself well. It was to shows love.  When I’ve asked her to eat w/me or me & boyfriend she’s “dieting.”.  Movies-she’s tired.  Two day trip sightseeing- didn’t enjoy it-suffered it out for me.  Sometimes we are fine & I’m a good mom & person.  But if I’m in a vulnerable state she’ll pounce on me.  Now she is suffering w/physical pain & problems w/recovery everything has come out.  I know I sound like poor me (it does hurt) but my constant worries are what will happen to her, anything I suggest for physical health like calling the surgeon to get answers & help are ignored. I know her childhood after she wasn’t with me wasn’t good, I’m sure it hurt mind. I never wanted to lose them. I feel guilty for the way the divorce went but I couldn’t stay.w/her dad.  My time since this started has been absorbed w/texting her to let her know I love her, I look online for answers & read a book about BPD.  I’m feeling now I shouldn’t.be  paying for mistakes by seeing her suffering.  I feel very guilting for trying to disengage & I know other adult children of divorce who at least have relationships w/bothbparrnts.  Is my divorce the cause of her bad depression?  What can I do?   I want her to be stable & well. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDad]

Welcome to a community of peer support.  We've "been there, experienced that".  We have an extensive library of collective wisdom, practical experience, skills and strategies that can be very helpful.  Browse our boards, learn and ask.

Having a child - yes, a grown child - with a problematic acting-out Personality Disorder is difficult to deal with, especially over the years.  But do not feel overly guilty that your life decisions are causing your child's conflict.  No matter how pristine you try to live your life, your daughter would still find things to complain about.

One of the aspects we experience is BPD F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt.)  In your case, you're being made to feel guilt.  Whether she says it or you just feel it yourself, understand that as an adult you have a right to ponder and make decisions in your own life.  Yes, you can include many factors involved, but in the final analysis it is your adult decision.

There are many events children don't like.  Maybe the family moves.  Maybe the vacation isn't one the child likes.  Maybe the rooms are painted in a color the child doesn't like.  Maybe the sun shines one day but not another.  Maybe... you get the idea.  Even if a marriage failed, it's unreasonable for a child to blame others when things aren't optimal.  The child may not like it but life is what it is and ought to be dealt with accordingly.  And when a child is grown, then it's time for that now-adult to take responsibility for her/his own life.

I'll add another historical note.  In decades past Borderline PD was viewed as not treatable and insurance typically would not pay for therapy.  So many therapists would instead diagnose Bipolar since it had similar behaviors and was covered by insurance because it did have treatments.  Today we do have approaches for BPD (DBT, CBT, etc) which have proven helpful even if not a cure.  Perhaps that is why she was told Bipolar?

The difference is that Bipolar is considered largely a chemical imbalance and meds can somewhat address that need.  But BPD is a cognitive imbalance and while meds might moderate poor behavior, long-term therapy is far more effective.  Well, if the patient is willing to diligently apply the counseling in thinking, perceptions and behavior.  PwBPD are known to exhibit a wide range of levels - from mild to extreme - of Denial, Projection, Blaming, Blame Shifting and more.

[CC43]

Hi there Heavy,

I know you feel guilty, but you are not to blame for your daughter's depression or BPD.  She's an adult now, she has to decide for herself to take responsibility for her life and get help--whether medications, therapy or both--to feel better.  A big problem with BPD though is the victim mentality.  Whenever your daughter is upset or feeling unwell, her victim mentality kicks in, and she tries to find external causes for her distress.  With BPD, that often manifests as rage or accusations hurled at the people who are closest to her at the moment.  She thinks you're the cause of her distress, and she thinks other people have to change, not her.  That distorted thinking can be a hurdle in terms of getting treatment.

That your daughter supports herself is commendable.  Maybe she's a high-functioning BPD.  But she's still beset by wild mood swings and distorted thinking patterns, correct?  DBT might help with that.

I have an adult stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD.  Since she has gotten treatment, her life is looking much better than it used to.  She has some friends and has made some headway in working various part-time jobs.  However, for her, living independently seems to go through cycles:  she can handle being on her own/with roommates for three to nine months, and then something blows up, she experiences a meltdown and she needs a change.  As an adult, she has spent a lot of time and energy changing up her living situations, rather than focusing on what she should be doing, like studying or working.  You see, "adulting" seems EXHAUSTING to her.  She needs lots and lots of downtime.  Sometimes she stays in bed so long that she thinks she doesn't sleep well, and I think she gives herself backaches and headaches, and that will start her on a downward spiral.  She also does NOT like doing things she doesn't want to do.  So when you wrote that your daughter came up with all sorts of excuses--she's tired, she's dieting, she's doesn't like doing things with you--that's exactly the sort of thing my BPD stepdaughter will say.  On the one hand, she IS tired, she IS trying to diet, she DOESN'T enjoy the things other people seem to like.  She doesn't enjoy life except when she's engaged in an activity that suits her very narrow range of interests.  But on the other hand, she doesn't really know how to tell you that she doesn't feel like doing anything.  I think she might confuse the source(s) of her physical and emotional pain.  Her general bad mood will hijack her, and she might stand people up, with no contact, or a very lame excuse ("I overslept this afternoon").  My guess is your daughter doesn't want to see you with your boyfriend, either.  She doesn't like that your attention is split.  Anyway, my stepdaughter's main coping mechanism is AVOIDANCE--cutting off contact, not showing up, quitting things that distress her.  She thinks she's protecting herself by avoiding stressful situations, and avoiding anything that takes some effort.  That might work to curb short-term stress, but in the long term, she feels alienated, left out, not close to anyone.

Anyway, like the other poster wrote, you shouldn't feel guilt or blame for your daughter's situation, and try not to take any of the cruel things she says personally.  If she stands you up or refuses to visit, then I'd say, try to enjoy the moment anyway.  Your daughter is making an excuse because she can't handle you in the moment.  She might fear harsh judgment.  Giving her space is probably much better than the alternative, which might be "forcing" an encounter when she's not in the mood and unleashing a blamefest/ragefest.