Another vacation ruined - so surprised! (Sarcasm)

[campbembpd]

More of a vent and just further validation that moving towards divorce is the answer… I’ve lost count of how many special occasions, holidays, Christmases, you name it that have been ruined and taken over by my uBPDw and her becoming completely dysregulated. She’s an alcoholic too, but is in incomplete denial. I’m mean, true we’re on vacation but a lot of times it starts with her drinking excessively. Everything’s happy until it’s not. Alcohol definitely is not a prerequisite though. She’s completely capable of becoming unhinged stone cold sober.

My wife’s mother is paying for a family vacation for our family and my wife’s sister‘s family to all be together for the week over New Year’s out of the country. After a long, first day of traveling everybody getting along great the second day started out great as well. We all went to the breakfast buffet, at nine in the morning my wife and her sister started drinking mimosas. Not unexpected, but then came a bottle of Prosecco and she barely ate any breakfast. She had a few bites of food literally. I got her an omelette from the omelette bar. She didn’t touch it. And she didn’t eat the rest of the day! But she continue drinking the rest of the day. Not uncommon. I had gone with her sister out of the resort to run an errand. When we came back just a couple hours later I spoke to my wife on the phone and she was slurring her words at 2pm But she was still in a positive mood. Next thing I knew she went out with her sister to another resort bar, a short while latershe was sending me a text that she was frustrated with her sister. And it just continued to escalate from there. She went from raging on her sister because she wasn’t there for her or something blah blah, then predictably to raging at me. (she says the reason she was so upset is because I had her hospitalized last summer in a psych facility.) she wouldn’t come out to dinner with the entire family then she was mad because I didn’t leave dinner to come and get her out of the hotel. Even though we all asked her to come to dinner many times even after we got there we were texting her telling her to come join us. I even offered to come meet her if she wasn’t sure how to get to the restaurant we were at (it was a short walk from the room). After the family finished at the restaurant we walked back and she was sitting with suprise, a glass of wine in the lobby of the hotel, and wanted to. “Talk”. For her to talk means vent out her feelings and spiral spiral spiral spiral. She always says we need to resolve this now! You need to fix this!  I’ve literally heard all this 100 times, this episode is no different than the 100s of others. I’m of course, being calm and her mother had come out of the room and I was trying to talk her down. Everybody talks to her and tells her to calm down. everybody else thinks she can just pull it together and that she’s normal. I know there’s no use because this is a serious mental illness & she’s drunk as a skunk. Next thing I know hotel security came into the lobby because someone was complaining about fighting and screaming. (my wife). Her mom and I managed to calm her down. At this point, I’m not worried about the long-term bs, I don’t care about telling her what she wants. I basically promised her I would never call the police, which isn’t true of course. I hundred percent believe that I’m gonna end up calling the police on her at our home, she gets violent and aggressive and physical. And I think that there’s gonna be a point where I do call the police and that will be the end of our marriage, because I’ll probably have to get a restraining order..

I wish I could say this was abnormal or unexpected. The fact is it is almost more surprising if she doesn’t have an episode during a trip or special occasion.

So most here already know it but if your partner ruins special occasions, or holidays, you are not alone. I cannot count how many Christmases are other special days or holidays have had this cloud over them. All I keep thinking of this week is how this is probably the last holiday. I’ll be taking with her… I fantasize about what it’s gonna be like to travel in peace to live in peace. Not looking forward to the 6-12 months of hell of going through the divorce. Sad for my kids but it’s the right thing for them as well.

[Pook075]

I'm so sorry to hear this update.  Alcohol and mental illness just don't mix; one feeds the other into a spiral.  And I'm with you- I do not argue with someone under the influence; there's zero point.

[Notwendy]

This is significant drinking. Alcoholism.

I don't know how much you have looked into CODA but I think it would be helpful to you.

In one group I attended, I read and worked through the original AA Blue Book with a sponsor. My first thought was- what does this have to do with me? Alcohol isn't my own issue, but the insight to the addiction aspect and enabling/codependency was helpful.

Published in 1939, the language reflects the culture of the times. In the book, the men were the alcoholics, the women were their wives. We know now that it can be either gender. The original authors, men, were Christians so there is a spiritual aspect to it but the program is universal, adaptable to any belief system.

The alcoholic men in the book seemed to have loving caring wives. The authors found they could help the alcoholics recover but then somehow the men would go back to the wives and get worse. Why? The wives were loving and caring- how could that be? The wives wanted their husbands to be well and weren't intentionally doing this. The authors then discovered the enabling aspect of the partner, and wrote a chapter for "the wives" and CODA evolved from that.

While it's clear that your wife has a drinking problem, that it's gone on this long in your marriage also involves you. We have no control over someone else's drinking. An aspect of the program is looking at our own enabling behavior. It's not always obvious, it looks like being caring and helpful. It was not comfortable to have a sponsor turn the mirror on me but it was very helpful and I think it would help anyone in a family relationship with an alcoholic. It may be the "wives" in the book but all family members are potentially enabling. Your daughter may be interested in ACA at some point- which became the best fit group for me, after trying both CODA and ACA but the information I learned in either one was good to know.

Even if you do divorce- the information is helpful and also, a sponsor would be a support person for you through the process. It's a lay group, doesn't replace a therapist or lawyer, but helpful in addition to them.

[Notwendy]

To add, BPD+ alcoholism is more complicated. It's not only alcoholism. Stopping drinking doesn't impact the BPD. However, the dynamics of enabling are similar. From what I have seen, 12 steps can help the non-partner who is most likely doing some enabling. It doesn't help the pwBPD.

For the alcoholics in the group to benefit, they have to be motivated and have some self awareness to work with the program. It's hard work and there can be set backs. It's a lay group, and members are not trained to handle BPD. The groups are open and so some pwBPD may be there- they are not excluded but for the program to be effective for anyone, it requires commitment, awareness, and the wish to work at it.

Before I attended these groups,  I didn't really understand alcoholism. I thought if BPD mother just quit drinking, all would be OK. I also thought if I didn't start drinking, I'd have no issues either. However, the dynamics aren't as simple. Growing up with my family dynamics, I adopted enabler tendencies- they were the "normal" I knew in my family. Some former alcoholics, after getting sober, then went on to CODA/ACA groups to work on their family dynamics too.

Like your wife, BPD mother didn't "need" alcohol to go into a rage or dissociate. She could do this without it too.  It's that alcohol reduced her inhibitions to raging and the behavior during the rage. I don't know how much she drank at a time as we would usually be at school. Your wife was drinking all day long and a lot. BPD mother was very small, and so it didn't take much.

[CC43]

That's just sad.  It sounds like you could have enjoyed a delightful vacation in a fun setting (a resort!) with extended family around.

While drinking too much probably made things worse, in my experience, pwBPD can't seem to handle situations like the one you describe, at least not for long.  On the one hand, there's a joyful mood.  I find that pwBPD can be triggered at celebrations/holidays, because the happiness is in stark contrast to their own discontent.  At the very least, your wife feels jealous of others' happiness and cheerful updates.  She might feel inferior as well.  Maybe she feels disappointment, because her expectations for "fun" and attention are unrealistic, and never fully met.

On the other hand, the more people there are around her, the more opportunities there are to irritate/trigger her.  She likes being the center of attention.  If your attention (or her sister's) is diverted for a second, she could try to reclaim that attention the best way she knows how--by acting out.  She just "loves" to lock herself in a room, to get everyone to "beg" her to rejoin the group.  I think the best response when she locks herself in the room is to leave her there.  She has to choose to rejoin the group on her own.  If she throws a fit, then the hotel security/police are called.

In addition, I think pwBPD have very low stamina and tolerance for discomfort.  Hanging out with family for extended periods seems overly taxing to them.  They need LOTS of downtime, just to function.  Throwing off a routine (e.g. not getting to sleep in late or take an afternoon nap as usual; not having enough time to veg out in front of a screen) is as disruptive for her as it is for young children.  One activity too many and she's prone to a tantrum (much like a small child).

What you describe is almost exactly the sort of reaction I see from the pwBPD in my life, even when substances aren't involved at all.  She might start the day in a good mood, but a minor comment or gesture will set her off.  She'll feel slighted, insulted,  ignored or plain bored, and she'll storm off in faux protest.  She expects people to run after her to "beg" her to rejoin the group, and she'll hurl insults, typically dredging up some ancient grievance that has absolutely nothing to do with the current situation--anything to reclaim attention, even if it's negative attention.  I've seen this so many times I intrinsically know that celebrations are "too much" for her.  She can only handle intimate situations of short duration, where the attention is 100% on her the entire time.

[campbembpd]

Yes, had the opportunity to be a great vacation. I mean, hopefully the next few days will be better. That’s the best we can hope for right now. But it feels like the whole group of us are now walking on eggshells, worried about the next hiccup that could’ve upset my wife. I mean PLEASE READ happens when you travel, there’s been some bad service issues with the staff here and it’s frustrating for all of us, but my wife gets loud and be belligerent with the staff if something doesn’t go right. It’s not enough to complain or try to get help with the issues, she wants to be people and hurt them just like she does to us when she’s upset. It’s just hard to see my daughter especially go through this and her mother. Her poor mother was in tears last night because of how my wife was acting out, and it was affecting her sister and her sister wanted to leave dinner because my wife wouldn’t stop raging about a logistical situation. Ugh just awful.

[Notwendy]

This dynamic gives your wife tremendous power in the family. People don't want to feel less then, and possibly your wife may feel less able, less accomplished than others in the family and so can compensate by gaining attention and power in maladaptive ways. Better to be notorious than nobody.

Compared to the others in her FOO and our family, BPD mother was the least accomplished and most impaired, but she had complete power over the family via her behavior. This vacation illustrates this. Your MIL planned and paid for a nice family vacation. One person had the power to ruin it for everyone else. But who enabled her to have that power?

You all did. This happened in my family too. One memory was at my graduation. My parents got into an argument, left to go to the hotel to continue it. While my friends were off celebrating with their families, I was alone, in my college room, crying over the incident.

Graduation is about the students. Now, it was about BPD mother.

As CC43 stated, this is similar to a toddler acting up for attention. But the usual response is to put the toddler in time out. Why is it that everyone else is focusing on the pwBPD- what she's drinking, what moods she is in rather than just go about your plans and let her go back to her room?

This didn't happen in my family and also seems to be a pattern in families where there is a disordered family member. I recall an episode where Dr. Phil was speaking to a family with a disordered family member and the entire family was focused on that person and their behavior. That was a reinforcer as  it gave that person power over the family, and enabled the behavior. He said to them "you are all lost in the woods and looking at a disordered person to lead you out" and then recommended counseling for the whole family.

How is looking to your wife's moods to determine the enjoyment of the vacation going to lead you out of her mood forrest? It won't. But maybe you all can think of ways to enjoy yourselves and let her sit in her room. Sure, she may drink all day in her room, but she's going to do that anyway. You can't stop an alcoholic from drinking. And if she escalates, call security.

[Notwendy]

You all did. This happened in my family too. One memory was at my graduation. My parents got into an argument, left to go to the hotel to continue it. While my friends were off celebrating with their families, I was alone, in my college room, crying over the incident.

Graduation is about the students. Now, it was about BPD mother.

So why did this go the way it did?  I'm not upset about this now, or blaming parents- it's a distant memory -but a good illustration of the dynamic.

Because of the fear of BPD mother escalating if it didn't go the way it did. And that my father would have been dealing with more of that. Likely you, and the other family members are trying to prevent an escalation which would be worse- but it still gives power to your wife to determine the course of the vacation.

[CC43]

I'd like to second Notwendy's comments.  A big issue for the pwBPD in my life is feeling inferior, less than other people.  The situation you describe--a nice vacation paid for by parents--puts the parents on a pedestal.  Family members are sharing updates about their lives, and probably getting attention and/or praise.  I bet the hosts want more than anything for everyone to have a good time, and they are going out of their way to make loved ones feel special.  What's the pwBPD's response?  To ruin it, in a misguided attempt to reclaim attention and status.  I think this is the "spoiler" dynamic which is brought up on these boards from time to time.  Granted, it might not be intentional for the most part.  But what pwBPD have learned is that acting out gets attention.  Worse, if she's not getting the immediate attention she feels she deserves, her response is to amp it up!  Since many family members probably apologize and "beg" her to rejoin the group, she's incentived to act out even more!

Like Notwendy said, the family dynamic becomes one of "walking on eggshells" and giving in to the tantrums of a full-grown adult, just to keep the peace.  But perversely, it perpetuates the behavior.  When I think about the pwBPD in my life, I can't help but notice that in her disordered world, the incentives are often backwards.  The worse she acts out, the more concessions she gets--money, attention, logistical support.  If anybody else dared to act the way she does, they'd be shunned/ignored/not invited anymore.  The BPD dynamic leads to perverse incentives that perpetuate the unhealthy dynamic. 

I guess that's why I often recommend to give pwBPD "adult time outs" when they act like this.  Giving them a time out gives them time and space to calm down, and doesn't reward their behavior with attention.  However, I know that it's often easier said than done, especially when sharing living quarters.

I also agree 100% with Notwendy to encourage you to try to enjoy your vacation with the rest of your family, even if your wife is drinking too much or throwing a tantrum.  I know it's hard to ignore her, but you've worked hard for a vacation, I think you owe it to yourself and your kids to try to enjoy it, even if you have to fake it.  In a way, you're letting her know that she can't spoil it for you, and you're reducing that perverse incentive.

Just my two cents.