Difficult turn in a 6 year relationship

[DesertDreamer]

Hi all,
this is just my second post, but over the years I've gotten a lot of comfort and solidarity just from reading y'alls. I'm hoping today to just air out my conflicted thoughts, and get a little validation/commiseration.

My partner has BP tendencies, and I'd say it seems like a quiet BPD (my brother has a more explosive type, so this has given me a point of comparison). I guess I judge myself because I feel like I should be able to handle this "easier" form of BP tendencies, but after 6 years together and 4 married, there continues to be an intensity and difficulty to our relationship that I can't seem to manage. It reminds me of being able to hear a distant waterfall when I'm on a hike - in the background, there's a dim roar reminding me constantly of a force that could easily overpower me.

Lately I feel extremely distraught. We're having more explosive moments, and it's gotten to the point where she's called me abusive and said that I need fix myself in therapy. While I agree that therapy would be great for me, our relationship looks to have come to a turn that many here have talked about - I'm starting to believe that I'm the sick one. My self esteem is tanking, as I can see that I'm mishandling the difficult moments and not doing anyone any good. But I'm simply tired, simply so worn down by the years of difficulty. I don't want to dig and dig and solve and acquiesce. I don't want to take it on the chin. I find myself walling off for protection, and I feel guilty about this all the time. I married her and promised to myself that I would always see her as this precious being, and it feels worse than I could ever imagine to find myself walling off.

After an argument and breakdown last night, I eventually got up around 11 AM. I went to the kitchen and turned on the radio, where some woman was saying "I wake up in the morning, and I feel in myself, all is well." How I long for that feeling.

[Pook075]

Lately I feel extremely distraught. We're having more explosive moments, and it's gotten to the point where she's called me abusive and said that I need fix myself in therapy. While I agree that therapy would be great for me, our relationship looks to have come to a turn that many here have talked about - I'm starting to believe that I'm the sick one. My self esteem is tanking, as I can see that I'm mishandling the difficult moments and not doing anyone any good. But I'm simply tired, simply so worn down by the years of difficulty. I don't want to dig and dig and solve and acquiesce. I don't want to take it on the chin. I find myself walling off for protection, and I feel guilty about this all the time. I married her and promised to myself that I would always see her as this precious being, and it feels worse than I could ever imagine to find myself walling off.

Hi Desert and welcome back!  I'm so sorry you're struggling and I'm glad this forum has provided some solace.

First, about quiet and traditional BPD- they're the exact same.  I was married to one type, our daughter was the other type, and they appeared completely different.  Yet they were exactly the same- one exploded, the other hid in shame.  Everything else was identical and when things got tough, the quiet BPD exploded as well.

Now, for your situation.  My ex-wife (quiet BPD) called me abusive as well.  I was not abusive, and it's easy for me to say that today.  But in the moment, I wasn't so sure.  Why?  Because there was so much drama in my home, so much dysfunction and toxic energy, that none of us were at our best.  In a nutshell, I was mentally ill from constantly being on edge and stressed out.

Like you, I backed off and let my wife/kid do whatever they wanted.  My morals and boundaries went out the window, I stopped standing up for things that mattered.  In short, I just gave up and it broke me internally.  I was a mere shell of the man I used to be.

What changed?  I placed my mental health first.  I stopped settling.  I stopped letting people walk over me.  I made healthy boundaries, I stopped arguing, and most importantly I stopped enabling.

Your wife may be mentally ill, we don't know.  For now though, you need to prioritize your own mental health and stop being caught at the center of your wife's drama.  Walk away if necessary and refuse to get drawn into yet another circular argument.  Set clear boundaries- you'll talk about x, y, and z, but other stuff is off the table.  You won't yell or be yelled at.  You won't blame either.  These are steps to get you back on the right track mentally.

That feels like a good start, but please feel free to ask away with questions as we wait for others to chime in.

[PeteWitsend]

I wonder how often when we hear a person has "quiet BPD" the reality is it's just regular BPD, but the non-disordered partner has simply given up or allows way more than is healthy & if they exercised any sort of reasonable boundaries and started asserting themselves, they'd find that their "quiet BPD" significant other actually has quite "loud BPD."

[Rowdy]

I wonder how often when we hear a person has "quiet BPD" the reality is it's just regular BPD, but the non-disordered partner has simply given up or allows way more than is healthy & if they exercised any sort of reasonable boundaries and started asserting themselves, they'd find that their "quiet BPD" significant other actually has quite "loud BPD."

How are we defining quiet bpd?
I think it was a video by dr Ramani that I watched recently that explained many people get this concept of ‘quiet’ or ‘covert’ borderline a bit mixed up. Quiet and covert bpd being the same thing, she explained that far from meaning a person with covert bpd are less aggressive, not as loud or reactive, it simply means they are a borderline that hasn’t been discovered yet, as in ‘covert’ or under cover (something along those lines, I know it sounds like it amounts to the same thing but the way it was explained made more sense)

I think a lot of people get the idea from the fact bpd is a spectrum, and everyone is unique so each individuals behaviour traits vary. Those on the lower end of the spectrum are therefore mistaken as a quiet borderline, because their traits don’t scream and shout about their personality disorder.

[PeteWitsend]

How are we defining quiet bpd?
I think it was a video by dr Ramani that I watched recently that explained many people get this concept of ‘quiet’ or ‘covert’ borderline a bit mixed up. Quiet and covert bpd being the same thing, she explained that far from meaning a person with covert bpd are less aggressive, not as loud or reactive, it simply means they are a borderline that hasn’t been discovered yet, as in ‘covert’ or under cover (something along those lines, I know it sounds like it amounts to the same thing but the way it was explained made more sense)

I think a lot of people get the idea from the fact bpd is a spectrum, and everyone is unique so each individuals behaviour traits vary. Those on the lower end of the spectrum are therefore mistaken as a quiet borderline, because their traits don’t scream and shout about their personality disorder.

I got divorced approximately 2 & 1/2 years after I discovered BPD.  People online suggested it after I shared details of my then-wife's behavior.  I remember going back and reading that thread a few years later and being surprised by how I defended my then-wife, as a "good mom" with just a couple problems I hoped we could eventually work through.  I was largely blind to how awful things were, and how abnormal & emotionally and verbally abusive her behavior was. 

For whatever reason, some of us have a blind spot sometimes to this sort of thing.  Maybe it's weak boundaries, maybe it's a need to please others, maybe it's undue optimism or some combination of those or other traits that causes us to want to see the best in our partners or family members. 

[Rowdy]

Same here Pete. Never knew what BPD was, but after people online suggesting she was a narcissist I stumbled upon it and realised the bpd traits fitted my wife’s behaviour more. I guess this fits the description of quiet or covert better in regards to what Dr Ramani was talking about.

Your last paragraph is probably true in most cases for a partner of pwBPD to feel like that. Especially the last part, of course we all want to see the best in our partners and family. I think if we are honest with ourselves many of us probably had friends and family that will have seen their behaviour for what it was and warned us, or told us they could see it after we had been discarded. 

[DesertDreamer]

Like you, I backed off and let my wife/kid do whatever they wanted.  My morals and boundaries went out the window, I stopped standing up for things that mattered.  In short, I just gave up and it broke me internally.  I was a mere shell of the man I used to be.

What changed?  I placed my mental health first.  I stopped settling.  I stopped letting people walk over me.  I made healthy boundaries, I stopped arguing, and most importantly I stopped enabling.

Your wife may be mentally ill, we don't know.  For now though, you need to prioritize your own mental health and stop being caught at the center of your wife's drama.  Walk away if necessary and refuse to get drawn into yet another circular argument.  Set clear boundaries- you'll talk about x, y, and z, but other stuff is off the table.  You won't yell or be yelled at.  You won't blame either.  These are steps to get you back on the right track mentally.

Hi, and thank you all for your engagement. I've reflected a bit on what people have said about differentiating between what I called "quiet BPD" and just BPD. I can see that I'm using the term to downplay my situation. From reading here and knowing other pwBPD, I guess I think that my partner's behaviors are not as rough as others, and that I should be able to handle it. But despite all that, I'm deeply questioning if I really can in the long run. When it's good, it's good, and then something happens and I return to this forum in a haze, grasping for understanding, until I forget again.

Something that's coming up for me in these considerations is a feeling that's probably familiar to y'all: immense guilt. How can I consider ending the relationship when I'm sure she'll use it as evidence that she's unloveable? I feel so guilty imagining causing her this deep pain, but I also feel like I'm not living true to my own values when I stay in a relationship that I don't feel emotionally capable of and that I feel quite distant from. How do you handle being in this place of inner conflict? How do I deal with this guilt? I have recently started attending indivudal therapy, and I'm hopeful about having a space to air some difficult thoughts, but as always, I really appreciate the life experiences of people in this group.

[Pook075]

Hi, and thank you all for your engagement. I've reflected a bit on what people have said about differentiating between what I called "quiet BPD" and just BPD. I can see that I'm using the term to downplay my situation. From reading here and knowing other pwBPD, I guess I think that my partner's behaviors are not as rough as others, and that I should be able to handle it. But despite all that, I'm deeply questioning if I really can in the long run. When it's good, it's good, and then something happens and I return to this forum in a haze, grasping for understanding, until I forget again.

Something that's coming up for me in these considerations is a feeling that's probably familiar to y'all: immense guilt. How can I consider ending the relationship when I'm sure she'll use it as evidence that she's unloveable? I feel so guilty imagining causing her this deep pain, but I also feel like I'm not living true to my own values when I stay in a relationship that I don't feel emotionally capable of and that I feel quite distant from. How do you handle being in this place of inner conflict? How do I deal with this guilt? I have recently started attending indivudal therapy, and I'm hopeful about having a space to air some difficult thoughts, but as always, I really appreciate the life experiences of people in this group.

Do you have a best friend from childhood?  Or maybe from your college years?  This would be a person you could go 20 years without seeing, then suddenly spot them in a grocery store and you'll talk for hours like a moment hasn't passed between you.

Hopefully one person comes to mind, because that's what a relationship with a BPD person SHOULD be like.  They need to feel like no matter what happens, this person is in my corner and they'll do anything to protect me and make me feel better.

With your partner, it doesn't feel anything like that at the moment...at least for her.  And in some ways, it's not directly her fault either.  She freaks out, which has you freaked out about what she's going to say next, so you walk around with your guard up like she's the enemy. 

This happens subconsciously and we don't even realize we're doing it.

So if you can past the current dysfunction and just get back to just loving her, having her back, etc then it goes a very long way to change the narratives within her mind.  That's what all of us are trying to do with our BPD loved ones and most of us fail...simply because we can't get out of our own way.

I've done this with my BPD daughter and BPD ex; they both know I love them and would do anything for them.  And that doesn't sound major or anything, but to a person who's terrified of rejection and abandonment, making them feel that way is everything.  If they trust you and know you have their back, all of the other stuff disappears.

And I mean EVERYTHING.  All the dysfunction comes from doubting the relationship or if you really care.  That's the mental illness part of all of this and what destroys relationships.

So there is hope, but it requires a change in communication from both of you.  I just wanted you to know that you're not helpless or hopeless, there is a different path.

[DesertDreamer]

If they trust you and know you have their back, all of the other stuff disappears.

And I mean EVERYTHING.  All the dysfunction comes from doubting the relationship or if you really care.  That's the mental illness part of all of this and what destroys relationships.

Thanks for sharing your ideas and what's worked for you. I've been thinking about what you wrote, and I guess I feel some resistance to it. If it were up to some changes in my communication to make things better, wouldn't that mean that the illness is somewhat in my control? It doesn't appear that way for me. I think I'm trying to get clear on what's really within the realm of possibility, and what I can really offer in a relationship with a pwBPD, and I feel like I'm at a turning point. I feel so exhausted, my desire and intimacy with my partner has really eroded, and I dream about being alone. My partner is also my best friend, and I feel horrible about the idea of ending the relationship, for both of our sakes. But it hardly seems fair to me or to her to continue when I don't really feel willing or able.